I'd have never dreamed how free I feel these days

 

Yesterday, I outed myself as a part of getting a new BJ's card.  As a Transgender person, I have a sense of freedom being able to control how I out myself to others.  In the past, I tried to hide the fact that I am transgender. Now, I use caution in outing myself.  Yet, I am often taken for a cisgender female in many interactions.  This is a good feeling.

The other day, I went to a fast food joint and used the drive up window.  Using the best female voice I could muster, I ordered my food - and was taken for a female without anyone seeing me.  My voice is getting better, but it is far from perfect. And this woman's unseen acknowledgement of my femininity made me feel good.

One of the nice things about being out in the world as much as I've been as a TG woman, the more I'm taken simply as a cisgender female.  Although I have no interest in the male of our species, it would be nice if some male found me attractive as a female.  (Mind you, with this would come risk - men often have a hard time taking NO for an answer - and even worse.)  The more that I'm seen as a female (without qualification) the freer I will feel.  

All of this makes me want to participate in more women's groups.  Sadly, my past experiences on exploring being out as a female has closed many of these doors to me in my area of suburbia.  I figure that RQS and I may need to find a neighborhood that suits both of our needs, so that I can build a better social network with people who need not have any clues that I was once someone other than the Marian they are seeing.

Often, being Transgender is very mundane.

 

There are many trans people who get lost in the pink fog, and rush into things needlessly.  Yes, they have new found freedom in being able to express their authentic selves.  But they often forget that the real world usually doesn't care whether a person is trans or not.  As a result, many things slip while a trans person explores her/his new place in the world.  Eventually, the trans person and reality have to get back in sync with each other, and the mundane things in life take over.  This is not a bad thing.  A successful transition will enable one to experience the mundane as one's authentic self.

As my loyal readers will note, many of the entries I've posted in this blog are not those where going out in the world is a novel experience, as they were in my previous blog.  Instead, my current entries are those which deal with the issues I face in life - either as a male or female.  Many of them have unusual twists, such as my travels while presenting as a female and carrying male ID.  Yet, I try to say things that might be of interest to the trans person just coming out.  It takes a lot of courage for many trans people to out themselves.  And for many, they are unable to be completely out because of their real life commitments.  For example, one trans woman I know is a doctor whose wife accepts her presenting as a female, as long as she doesn't go 24x7. (There are issues with both her career and her family that get in the way of being out to the world.)  Another trans woman I know outed herself, and lost contact with many in her family. Trans people often lose family, friends and careers in order to be their authentic selves, so I encourage trans people considering outing themselves to think things through and be careful when they do so.

At my stage of being trans, I exist in a happy medium.  Since I am not very gender dysphoric, I can live in either gender as needed.  But I must revert to being Marian for my sanity.  I am comfortable staying at this point in the transition process for romance, unlike many trans folk. And in this way, I am lucky, as I have someone who accepts me for who and what I am now.  Others are not so lucky.  Recently, I found out that one trans woman I know reverted to her male identity for romance,  and has recently returned to a female identity.  (Did romance influence either or both changes?)   

One thing I wish I could change more effectively is my voice - it is still picked up as being male on the phone.  And this is something that many M2F trans people have to deal with.  A trans acquaintance of mine had surgery to raise the pitch of her voice. But she is still perceived as a male over the phone, as her speech patterns still have a masculine imprint.  It takes a lot of work to develop female vocal mannerisms, but it doesn't get in the way for most of us in our lives.

So now, we end up dealing with the mundane.  I still have to pay my bills throughout the month.  I still have doctors' appointments for our ailments (as I will have a week from today for a GI Tract issue).  And I still need to take care of the everyday tasks of life, such as laundry.  Most of the time, a trans person's life will be mundane, as other than our gender dysphoria, we are living everyday lives.  Even when something "exciting" happens (such as having a wallet stolen in Chicago), I do what I would be doing as if I were simply a cisgender person, and am treated the same as if I were just a cisgender person.  The only difference is that I have to be on the watch out for people who hate trans people because we don't fit into their view of the world.  And that's a small price I pay for being my authentic self.....     

Wig Shopping

 

There are several keys to a good feminine presentation, and I've worked on making all of them top notch.  (Now, if only I could get my weight under control, so that I can go back to wearing Size-18W clothes.) The 3 I am most concerned with are:

1. Voice
2. Hair Style (Natural Hair or Wigs)
3. Appropriate Clothing

I have discussed all of these items in prior entries.  Today, I want to discuss wigs again.

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Wig shopping can be hit or miss.  For one's first wig, an inexpensive mail order wig will suffice until one gets serious about making an acceptable feminine presentation.  Once one is ready to graduate on to better wigs, it makes sense to go to a wig store and ask for help.  You will pay for the assistance in the price of the wig, but it is worth it to get something that fits and that is in a color and style that works with one's face and body.

In my case, I have settled on two different wigs.  One is from Raquel Welch, and the other from Jon Renau.  Both wigs are in a large cap, and they are very comfortable.  I will be switching between a darker shade of wig used for the cold months and a slightly lighter shade used for the warmer months. My problem is that each wig costs about $300-$350, and it's hard to find them on sale when both my color and size are on sale.

Many companies selling wigs are simply intermediaries.  They will take the order, send it to the manufacturer, and take a cut for the sale when it is shipped.  Others maintain their own inventory. In both cases, I have found that my preferred size and color is out of stock more often than it is in stock.  So I've decided to buy 2 wigs at a time, so that I always have a spare to use.

I'm not going to give my readers a list of reputable online wig stores.  My advice. is to ask around and see what people say about each store.  Someone I used to know swore by the inexpensive wigs she got from China.  But then, I would never trust these wigs, as there is too much risk that I'd be wasting my money.  It is better to take your time and find a couple of online stores you can trust than to take a risk on a fly by night outfit.  If possible, stay friendly with a brick and mortar store as well.  They can be quite helpful in a pinch....

Dinner with a friend

 

This is a quick entry, as I need to take care of cleaning up my bedroom.  Tonight was dinner with the former student clinician who helped me work on my feminine voice.  I hate to say it, but my face still gives me away more than my size or my voice. But this isn't much of an issue if I'm treated with respect.

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I decided to wear a unitard (body suit) with the buttoned top over it.  This would make it a little easier for me to go to the bathroom if needed.  It's a very comfortable outfit, and something I may wear (with a little modification) as the weather gets warmer.  If I'm going to live in the world of women, shouldn't I have to deal with some of the problems women deal with on a regular basis?  I have two more tops in a similar style (different prints/colors) that I can wear with the unitard, and will be doing so in the future.

My friend mentioned that she'd like to visit the women's restroom in the Borough of Manhattan's president's (title?) office during the next Open House New York weekend.  I figure that we will be going into the city together, then going to the loo together.  This time, I'll be sure to get some great pictures from the bathroom stall's river view window.

Hopefully our stars will align to do more things together in the future.  I'm also hoping that things work out for her and her boyfriend, as I'd like an excuse to buy another formal gown in a color I am comfortable wearing.