I'd have never dreamed how free I feel these days

 

Yesterday, I outed myself as a part of getting a new BJ's card.  As a Transgender person, I have a sense of freedom being able to control how I out myself to others.  In the past, I tried to hide the fact that I am transgender. Now, I use caution in outing myself.  Yet, I am often taken for a cisgender female in many interactions.  This is a good feeling.

The other day, I went to a fast food joint and used the drive up window.  Using the best female voice I could muster, I ordered my food - and was taken for a female without anyone seeing me.  My voice is getting better, but it is far from perfect. And this woman's unseen acknowledgement of my femininity made me feel good.

One of the nice things about being out in the world as much as I've been as a TG woman, the more I'm taken simply as a cisgender female.  Although I have no interest in the male of our species, it would be nice if some male found me attractive as a female.  (Mind you, with this would come risk - men often have a hard time taking NO for an answer - and even worse.)  The more that I'm seen as a female (without qualification) the freer I will feel.  

All of this makes me want to participate in more women's groups.  Sadly, my past experiences on exploring being out as a female has closed many of these doors to me in my area of suburbia.  I figure that RQS and I may need to find a neighborhood that suits both of our needs, so that I can build a better social network with people who need not have any clues that I was once someone other than the Marian they are seeing.

The bag is packed and ready to go, but not me.

 

Today's theme is: things go wrong.  They are not going wrong in a critical way.  Instead, they are going wrong in an awkward way.  

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Last Friday, I left a message for the sleep doctor asking about the next steps in the process of getting a new CPAP machine.  How did the sleep test go?  Do the results suggest that I need a CPAP machine? When should I go in to see him again?  Do I need another sleep test to determine the new settings for that new CPAP machine?  There are so many things I want to know, and do not have input from this doctor 1 week after the sleep test.  And today, I found out that the message I wrote may not have been received.  So I wrote another message and sent it out - with no answer by end of day.  This means that I'll have to call him in the morning and hope for the best.

Next, after I drove RQS home (depositing my large suitcase at her place ahead of our upcoming cruise), I decided to stop at Lane Bryant on the way home to browse a little.  No one noticed me there, which may be a good or bad sign.  I think that they were understaffed, and that I came in at the same time as another customer who needed attention.  But I digress.  Next on my list of things to do was to get a new membership card at BJ's wholesale club.  That's where the fun began.  As soon as I got to membership services, a deafening alarm made it impossible to speak.  And it took over 5 minutes for someone to come to the desk and turn off the alarm. Once the alarm was quieted, I started my interaction with the lady behind the counter, noting that I wanted a new card with a name change.  She complimented me on how good I looked, and I was gone from the desk in less than 5 minutes more.

On the way home, I found that tomorrow's driveway work has been rescheduled for Friday.  This means that I'll have trouble parking Thursday night after playing games, and then not be able to take an early train to RQS's place on Saturday.  If bad weather strikes again, I'll have to ask my brother to store my car at his place, then deliver me to RQS's place that afternoon - with a pick up a week later.

Am I ready to go on my cruise?  No.  But ready or not.....

Skipping out on a meetup and making new plans.

 

In the past, when in my "Pink Fog", I experimented with my gender presentation and went to meetups geared to women.  I was accepted, though most knew I was TG.  Yet, after a bad experience or two, I decided to skip out on a women's meetup. As much as I could be reacting out of fear, I also feel that I've been eating out way too often, and need to do something else other than meeting new acquaintances.  This means that I again had the option to go into NYC and see a play while RQS is away for the weekend.

Did I go to the play on Friday?  No. Although I woke up early enough to go out and take a 1 mile walk, I stayed inside much of the day, and went out only to buy some essentials at the local BJ's Wholesale Club.  That's where I found out that my reproduced card with my Marian picture didn't work.  (This was a planned test of the reproduction, as I had the good card with Mario's picture on me.)  Since I no longer have the card with my Marian image that works (it was stolen while I was in Chicago last year), I'll have to bite the bullet and announce that I am trans to get an official card with Marian's picture and name on it.

- - - - - -

Saturday came, and I took my time on getting up.  Although there are two full loads of laundry to be done, I've had no energy to do them.  Instead, I decided to migrate most of my full resolution photos to be backed up in Amazon Photos, so that I can make space on Google photos for new pictures.  This has been a very time consuming process, as I have to upload photo organization and information from my computer's hard drive to create albums in Amazon photos.  By midday, less than half of my photos were in organized Amazon photo folders.  At least, this is only a time consuming task that will take several days to complete.

Later in the day, I decided to go and see an Off Broadway play.  Instead of seeing "Celino v. Barnes" like I planned (the evening performance was sold out), I chose to see "Someone Spectacular" in its place.  (If I had thought more, I'd have gone to see Blue Man Group and saved "Someone Spectacular" for when RQS is back home.  But I digress....)  

I purchased my ticket online, then headed down to NYC with only a few minutes to spare.  The 4:52 pm train gave me 2 hours in which I could find something to eat, then make it to the theater.  Normally, I would have no problem leaving Grand Central at 7:00 pm, taking a crosstown bus to make an 8:00 pm performance.  So I went downstairs for a bite to eat, then listened to a busker perform "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" on his horn.  However, the bus I took was overcrowded and took almost 45 minutes to make it to 10th avenue from Grand Central (4th Avenue/Park Avenue).  For those not familiar with New York City, that's a speed of 1.33 miles per hour!  NYC should be ashamed for rushing the extension of the Flushing line (the #7 train) to Hudson Yards without having a 10th Avenue stop.  In the rush to get the job done "on time" for political purposes only, we lost a much needed stop on the West Side that would serve some Off Broadway theaters and get people onto faster subsurface transit.

Eventually, I found myself in front of the theater and picked up my ticket.  A few minutes later, and I was seated for the play.  Now, the opening 10 minutes has the cast fiddling around, moving chairs and things, killing time before their grief therapist is to arrive.  But the therapist never arrives, and here the real play truly begins.  If one has been to group therapy, especially Grief therapy, then the situations of each of the characters will seem very familiar.  So when the play starts having the characters start baring their souls, the play becomes both funny and serious at the same time.  I'm not going to spoil this play by giving out any more details.  But I highly recommend seeing this play if you are in the NYC area.

When I got out of the theater, I noticed that the crosstown buses were running every 15-20 minutes or so.  Instead of waiting and missing my train to Croton, I walked the 2 long blocks to 8th Avenue, where I made the big mistake of entering the subway system to walk the last block over to 7th Avenue where I could catch the shuttle to Grand Central.  I must have walked up and down stairs equivalent to that of a 4-5 story building while walking that last block.  (But I did get my workout for the day!)  Luckily, I made it to Grand Central with 15 minutes to catch my train.

On the way home, I had a texting conversation with RQS regarding the party she attended in Boston.  I won't go into too much, save that I am concerned about RQS being in a car when her friend is driving due to her questionable judgement.  Hopefully, RQS can find polite ways to tell this friend NOT to drive when she's partied for too long....

The only reason I got dressed was to go to the library.

 

Normally, I can wait until I've received a text from the local library that tells me that a book I want to read has arrived, and ready for me to pick up.  This week, the system broke down, and I was lucky to find out that two books I want to read were ready for me, and would be held for me until the end of the day.  So, it was at 4:00 pm that I finally got dressed (as Mario) to go to the library and pick up my books.

Now that I was moving, it was time for me to go to the library for my books.  Once done there, I was off to BJ's to check on some things.  First, I wanted to replace some reading glasses which had broken over the past few months.  Then, I wanted a large box of garbage bags, as my current supply will soon run out.  So $100 later, I escaped from BJ's, and back home to change into Marian mode for a Zoom meeting with RQS and my Texas friends.

Around 8:00 pm, I opened up the Zoom meeting and we chatted for almost 2 hours.  For a good part of the Zoom call, RQS and I were showing off our Norway photos and monopolizing the chat.  But our Texas friends got in their share of the chat as well.  I started to feel tired around 10:00 pm, so I signaled that it was time to end the chat for  this month, and to schedule something for early next month.

Hopefully, one day in the future, I'll feel safe enough to risk seeing my friends in their area.  However, as long as ultra conservatives are in power, I doubt that they will respect my rights as a TG person due to their current political stance.

Visiting a friend sitting Shiva, then spending more money.

 

This morning, I was supposed to have brunch with SJM.  However, we postponed it, as the place we planned to go to was closed - as in no longer in business. (Or, so my friend said.)  And this was just as well for me, as I didn't have the energy to get showered, dressed, and made up as Marian until later in the day....

- - - - - -

When I finally got up and moving, it was well into the afternoon.  This was the last night my friend would be sitting Shiva, so I knew that I had to be there tonight.  So around 5 pm, I shaved, showered, and dressed - and was out the door by 6 pm.  Since I knew I was going to buy a new wallet and not use the one I bought through Amazon, I packed my license, money, and a couple of credit cards into my handbag and went to my friend's place.  It was perfect timing, as I got to spend some one on one time with my friend before people started coming over for the zoom service.  This gave me a good opportunity to leave, as I still had a couple more places to go to yet.

My next stop was Micro Center in Yonkers, where I bought a 30W USB-C charger, so that I could fast charge my phone when needed.  After that, I went to Target to pick up a woman's wallet - and found one that was close to fitting my needs.  So I bought it. 

Next, I went home to take care of things.  I transferred the replacement credit cards into the new wallet, but will not use them until I record them in my data base of card information.  And then, I cloned my BJ's card, so that I can scan it when shopping for less than 10 items.  (Larger purchases will require me to present as Mario and use the legitimate card I have.)  Hopefully, I'll be able to get a BJ's card which doesn't have a picture on it (I saw one when I was last there), and I'll put that in my female wallet for use.

- - - - - -

One thing of note.  I wasn't able to stay asleep last night.  So I decided to catch up on co-op work and write up two sets of meeting minutes.  It's enough to bore someone to sleep, and it helped to put me into the right frame to go back to sleep....

A dreary day where I had to stay in the neighborhood

 

I had 2 things I had to take care of today (Friday), and both went in directions I couldn't expect.  Both of them required me to present as a male, and I couldn't wait to get back in my dresses again.  One problem, I won't feel comfortable being in a dress until I have a wallet I am comfortable carrying again....

- - - - - -

The first thing on my docket was transferring money for the co-op, so that we could begin work on a long needed project.  However, I didn't have a good way to prove my identity without a legal ID with a picture on it.  How could I make the transfer without photo ID to prove who I am?  Well, the teller was sharp, and understood the problem.  Since my personal account is with the same bank, they could look up my cell phone number and text me.  One problem - my cell phone has problems receiving signal in some buildings.  Again, the teller came to the rescue - the bank's guest Wi-Fi.  Finally, I could make the transfer - but I made it to the wrong account.  (Guess where I am going tomorrow morning - three guesses, first two don't count.)  AARGH!

Next was waiting for the furniture delivery people to arrive and replace my old sofa.  They came on time, and found that my problem was caused by the first delivery people screwing up the setup - they couldn't plug in the final connector to get the recliner mechanism working.  But these guys did, and I didn't need a new sofa after all.

At this point, I took a nap.  

Later on, I looked for furniture sliders for carpets, but didn't find them in the stores.  Yes, I know that I should have found them.  But it's another item I'll be ordering from Amazon soon.  (It's amazing how much business I give them each month.  But it's better than dealing with Walmart.)  The one thing I'll miss about shopping is that I no longer have my (altered by me) BJ's card which listed my name as Marian and had my female image.  Sooner or later, I'll have to find a way to get a card in my female name....

The day started off with a visit to the doctor

 

I hate doctors' visits - especially when I receive bad news.  Today, I found out that my blood pressure spiked, and that my doctor wants me to do daily monitoring.  AARGH!   It's hard enough for me to remember to take my medications in a timely manner....

But enough of that.   After leaving the doctor, I went to BJ's to do some shopping, followed by a visit to Trader Joe's to buy some food for the week.  And then, I had time to kill before this month's co-op board meeting.

- - - - - -

Tonight's board meeting would be the first one with the site manager in training, and I was hoping that we could start off on the right foot. First, we had to interview an applicant to buy an apartment, and that went quickly.  And then, we met with the new site manager.  This time, things went quickly, as he understood what we were trying to do, and we understood what he was trying to say to us.  What a change of tome from our prior meetings!  After he left, we took care of some remaining co-op business, and ended the meeting in record time.

Next on my list of things to do would be applying for social security.  As much as I expected that I'd have problems with the process, it went smoother than expected.  For example, when I had to enter data in regard to my late wife, the application form made it easy for me to bypass data that I don't have anymore - such as her social security number.  Now, I have to wait until money starts flowing into my checking account.  Then, I'll deal with fixing the tax withholding on both my pension payments and my social security payments.

- - - - - 

As I've said in other posts: Most of what goes on in a transgender person's life has nothing to do with being transgender.  We still put our trousers on one leg at a time.  But we also have to deal with other issues which would not have been expected for us if we were cisgender.

Eleanor Roosevelt - Val Kill

 

The last time I was at Val Kill (Eleanor Roosevelt's home), I was with XGFJ and we enjoyed the visit to the place.  This time, it was a bit warmer, and the "tour" shorter.  I guess with "Large" crowds, they prefer to give their presentations outside and tell people what to look for as they make their quick passes through the building.  Luckily, we didn't have to pay for the visit, and we enjoyed the chance to see grounds that appear much like they would back in the time that she and FDR loomed large in American politics.

- - - - - -

But first....

RQS and I took our sweet time in getting up.  First on our list of things to do was a trip to the tailor to pick up a pair of trousers the man had hemmed for me.  Next, we went North to Val Kill with a slight diversion to pick up some items at the store.  By the time we made it to Val Kill, I knew that I was going to have GI tract issues.  So I was very glad that the tour was short, as I was indisposed for about 30 minutes.

On our way back to the car, we were able to get a few pictures by the pond - and this was one of the highlights of our visit.  The above picture does not do the site justice.  It's a place where one can take a lot of beautiful pictures.

- - - - - -

We left Val Kill around 3:30, and went to BJ's so that RQS could pick up a Chromebook just like the one I have.  She loves it as a backup machine, and for $120, it's a steal.  No, it's not a great machine.  But it is the type of machine I think should be given to all students upon entering school, so that they can do their computer based work with a machine which is kept up to date without the help of a school's "Technology Department".  After BJ's, we went for tacos at the Mexican take-out joint in Croton. And then we made it home for the night.