I'd have never dreamed how free I feel these days

 

Yesterday, I outed myself as a part of getting a new BJ's card.  As a Transgender person, I have a sense of freedom being able to control how I out myself to others.  In the past, I tried to hide the fact that I am transgender. Now, I use caution in outing myself.  Yet, I am often taken for a cisgender female in many interactions.  This is a good feeling.

The other day, I went to a fast food joint and used the drive up window.  Using the best female voice I could muster, I ordered my food - and was taken for a female without anyone seeing me.  My voice is getting better, but it is far from perfect. And this woman's unseen acknowledgement of my femininity made me feel good.

One of the nice things about being out in the world as much as I've been as a TG woman, the more I'm taken simply as a cisgender female.  Although I have no interest in the male of our species, it would be nice if some male found me attractive as a female.  (Mind you, with this would come risk - men often have a hard time taking NO for an answer - and even worse.)  The more that I'm seen as a female (without qualification) the freer I will feel.  

All of this makes me want to participate in more women's groups.  Sadly, my past experiences on exploring being out as a female has closed many of these doors to me in my area of suburbia.  I figure that RQS and I may need to find a neighborhood that suits both of our needs, so that I can build a better social network with people who need not have any clues that I was once someone other than the Marian they are seeing.

Right now, I'm glad I have my job

 

If it weren't for having a job, I would be raiding my savings account for much more money than I've needed to do this year.  It's not the job I want to keep forever.  Instead, it's the kind of job to keep until I have something better to do.

It's nice being able to go to work as Marian on a regular basis.  Yet, this job does not allow the social engagement I would like.  Yet, I can't complain.  The job is exactly as was presented to me.  And I'll do it to keep from draining savings.  If a travel opportunity opens up to me, I may leave the job so that I can take my trip.

There's not much I can do to make my job more interesting.  I think of it as a form of electronic "whack a mole".  It lulls me to sleep when I'm tired, and I need to make sure I have my coffee before starting work.  By the end of the day, my body clock is waking the body up, so that it can go home safely.  My boss could put me in a different area.  Yet, I think he's trying to be nice to me by giving me an easy job to do.  No complaints will come from my area of the peanut gallery.

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The other day, FH wondered why I don't buy a new car.  The answer is simple.  I hate draining my savings accounts when I am living on an artificially low income.  TCL understands this quite well, even though she's on a tighter budget than I am.  I expect that by this time next year, I'll be looking at buying that new car.  Will it be a used car, like Vicki might get?  Or, will it be a new car, like I usually get?  Either way, I will need reliable transportation while working and while dating.

This job gives me way too much time to think.  I have to remind myself to focus on other things when my thoughts go where they would likely make me sad or angry.  Here, I'm glad that I've been listening to a series of TV shows dedicated to Meditation.  I've found that they relax me enough to fall asleep AND that they teach me certain coping skills I need to short circuit the cycle of anger and sadness.

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Now that the pandemic is easing off, too many people will be rushing to get out and about.  This is the time that I may be avoiding the growing crowds, as I still expect another wave of the pandemic to cause many of us grief.  Instead, I'll stay inside, work as hard as possible, and possibly save some money for future travel.