Recently, I talked with my brother. He has had a troubled marriage for a while. Every time a major milestone in his life is about to happen, it seems as if his wife tries to sabotage things. The older they get, the worse the damage she cause to herself and to my brother. He is at the breaking point, and is considering a legal action from which there is no return.
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About 31 years ago, my brother got married because his wife-to-be was slightly pregnant. (You can barely see her baby bump in their wedding pictures.) From the beginning of their marriage, in retrospect one could see that they were sailing into stormy waters. There were the expected problems for a 25 year old man without a college degree on Long Island trying to make his way back then: jobs that didn't pay well enough to take care of his family, a career in a dead end industry, and real estate costs that were starting to go through the roof. But the worst problem was one that was not under his control - his wife's first son, his stepson.
My step-nephew is best described as a ne'er-do-well who got good at being a leech. He is intellectually lazy, and his work ethic is less than nonexistent. Even when given a job that paid well just to show up at the front door, he screwed that up. He is an addict, and has hurt every one of his friends and family as a result of his addictions. Every family member and friend who agreed to give him a place to live had to kick him out because he was stealing from them to feed his addictions.
During the course of their marriage, my sister in law developed her own addiction, and had to deal with the consequences of her actions. Until recently, she was clean and sober for over a decade. This is not an easy thing to do. And then she took on the "responsibility" to house her eldest son again....
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You'll note that I have glossed over a lot of details. If I stated too much, a casual reader might be able to identify my brother's family - and I want to respect his privacy.
This summer, GFJ and I went to a small gathering at my brother's place, and my sister in law did not show her face all day. Supposedly, she was feeling sick, and needed to stay in bed. With what I know now, I'd bet that she was nursing a hangover.
A few weeks ago, I'm visiting my dad in the nursing home and he tells me that there was trouble between my brother and his wife. When I saw my brother afterwards, he opens up to me and says the same thing and more. He's in a position where a divorce would ruin them both financially, and he's trying to avoid it.
My sister in law's addiction resulted in familial problems that have scarred my brother and his two children. In talking with my brother and my niece (in separate conversations), I have found that the love of a man for his wife and the love of a daughter for her mother has effectively been snuffed out. My brother planned to do the "until death do us part" thing, because it was the right thing to do. And later on, he planned to do it, so that both he and his wife could avoid financial disaster. My nephew went to the other side of the continent to escape his parents. And my niece's choice of husband may have been a conscious way to live as far away from the fighting going on in the family homestead. But now, I doubt the marriage will last more than another year or two.
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Divorce in late middle age is not something to be done on a whim. GFJ knows this from her divorce settlement. There was enough money saved and property owned to take care of 2 people together as they grew old. But divided, those assets would provide for a less comfortable existence for each of the former partners. GFJ's financial status will likely be a concern for the rest of her life. So when my brother mentioned divorce as a serious option, I knew that he was close to his breaking point.
My sister in law is destroying herself, and will take my brother down with her if he lets it happen. I'll be there for my brother no matter what happens. But I can't help but feel sad for my sister in law - her maternal instincts got in the way of her sobriety. As for my step-nephew, he's a person better lost than found - and may he stay that way forever.
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