Looking back at a long Christmas Weekend

 

RQS and I have talked about going to church together for a while.  With her, I think it's a form of curiosity about where I came from, and with me, it's a form of gaining comfort from old rituals from childhood.  So I was pleasantly surprised when she said "Yes" to going to Christmas Eve services.

But first....

It's been a while since I've been to RQS's place, so it was my turn to go to her place on Friday. Considering the frigid weather we were expecting, I didn't want to leave my car at Cortlandt station and have the engine fail to turn over when we got back there on Saturday.  The weather made my mind up for me - take a cab to Croton Harmon, and then take the train into NYC from there.  As usual, getting a cab wasn't as easy as it was before the pandemic, as no one was answering the cab service's main number.  I was lucky to find an alternate number, and then get my ride to the station.

Once at Croton Harmon, I found that I missed my train. There was a lady sitting next to me, and I chatted her up to kill time.  Seems like her Amtrak train to NYP was delayed for several hours, and that she was stuck waiting for it, as she had a linked connection to Boston.  If she took Metro North to GCT, then the subway to NYP, her second trip would be cancelled.  Hopefully, her daughter was able to make the itinerary change for her, as waiting for the tracks to get cleared between Poughkeepsie and Peekskill might take several hours more.

On the way to NYC, I saw the above "ship," and was unable to identify its purpose.  A couple of people identified it as a dredge.  But why is it being held above the water line?  Do any of my readers have an idea of what this is?

It's always a pain taking the subway to RQS's neighborhood, and on this trip it was no different.  When I got off the subway to take the bus to her place.  Boy, did I hate standing in the sub-freezing weather for the bus.  Once there, it was in for the night, and dinner came from a neighborhood pizza parlor.

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The next day, we trekked back up to my place, so that I could pick up a cheesecake from a local bakery. It was a much nicer trip going North, than it was going South.  However, I still had a minor problem getting a taxi to take us home to drop off our bags.  Usually, there is at least one cab waiting at Croton Harmon when trains come in.  This time, we had to wait about 20 minutes - and then, the driver had car problems.  AARGH!

Our next stop, after a pause for a bio-break was Homestyle Desserts in Peekskill for the Cheesecake.  This place has been here longer than I've lived in the area, and it is still going strong.  I was glad not to have left the car at the train station, as I had to clean ice off the car before driving it the 5  miles to the bakery.  After a quick stop at the bakery, then a stop at the local supermarket, we were home for a couple of hours.  Although it was tempting to stay warm and stay home, I changed into Marian mode and we went to church together.

People at the church know me only as Marian, and that's how I want them to know me.  I present as a tall, heavy 65 y/o woman, and want to be treated as such.  RQS was pleasantly surprised that this church experience was very similar to that she experienced as a child.  I chuckled that my mother would have mixed feelings about me going to church as Marian - she'd be glad to see me in a church, but be perplexed to see me as Marian.

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Christmas was special - this was the first one that RQS and I spent together, and the first one that she spent with my family.  After opening our gifts at home, we got ready to go to Long Island to my brother's place.  (I'm always in Mario mode for that.)  On the way down, I picked up a last minute gift for my step nephew.  None of us think much of him, as he's wasted his life.  But it would be a shame NOT to include him in the gift giving that took place that day.  (Thank god for Dunkin Donuts' gift cards and for CVS being open on Xmas.)  Traffic moved quickly, and we were at my brother's place in 90 minutes.  The gift exchange took place shortly after we arrived, and my brother gave me a gift for which I'll have a hard time finding a place - the Marx Brothers' Movie Poster (reproduction) above.  He loves finding things on action sites, and I'm pretty sure that he knew of my love for the Marxes' movies.  

We were at my brother's place for a few hours, and made plans to see my niece and her husband in NYC this week.  It'll be nice to see them again without other family members being present, and it will be nice for RQS to get to know them better.

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Boxing Day was one of relaxation.  However, we decided to make an unannounced run to Pat's place to take her out to dinner.  As usual, things aren't always as expected when seeing her.  She has latched onto the one available man at the care facility, and made sure to invite him to dine with us.  So RQS and I cleaned out my car to make the back seats available for 2 passengers, then met them at her place.  Pat suggested that we eat at a place that I was unprepared to pay for.  (I could afford pizza and beer for 4 people, but not a white linen tablecloth dinner for 4.)  So I headed to a local pizza parlor (not the place she wanted) and we had a nice dinner for a very affordable price.

After dropping Pat and her friend back at her place, it was time to go home.  As usual, the Tappan Zee was jammed, so we crossed at Bear Mountain.  And then it was time for bed.....

It's hard to believe that after 30+ years, it may come to this.

Recently, I talked with my brother.  He has had a troubled marriage for a while.  Every time a major milestone in his life is about to happen, it seems as if his wife tries to sabotage things. The older they get, the worse the damage she cause to herself and to my brother.  He is at the breaking point, and is considering a legal action from which there is no return.

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About 31 years ago, my brother got married because his wife-to-be was slightly pregnant. (You can barely see her baby bump in their wedding pictures.)  From the beginning of their marriage, in retrospect one could see that they were sailing into stormy waters. There were the expected problems for a 25 year old man without a college degree on Long Island trying to make his way back then: jobs that didn't pay well enough to take care of his family, a career in a dead end industry, and real estate costs that were starting to go through the roof. But the worst problem was one that was not under his control - his wife's first son, his stepson.

My step-nephew is best described as a ne'er-do-well who got good at being a leech.  He is intellectually lazy, and his work ethic is less than nonexistent.  Even when given a job that paid well just to show up at the front door, he screwed that up.  He is an addict, and has hurt every one of his friends and family as a result of his addictions.  Every family member and friend who agreed to give him a place to live had to kick him out because he was stealing from them to feed his addictions.

During the course of their marriage, my sister in law developed her own addiction, and had to deal with the consequences of her actions.  Until recently, she was clean and sober for over a decade.  This is not an easy thing to do.  And then she took on the "responsibility" to house her eldest son again....

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You'll note that I have glossed over a lot of details.  If I stated too much, a casual reader might be able to identify my brother's family - and I want to respect his privacy.

This summer, GFJ and I went to a small gathering at my brother's place, and my sister in law did not show her face all day.  Supposedly, she was feeling sick, and needed to stay in bed.  With what I know now, I'd bet that she was nursing a hangover.

A few weeks ago, I'm visiting my dad in the nursing home and he tells me that there was trouble between my brother and his wife.  When I saw my brother afterwards, he opens up to me and says the same thing and more.  He's in a position where a divorce would ruin them both financially, and he's trying to avoid it.

My sister in law's addiction resulted in familial problems that have scarred my brother and his two children. In talking with my brother and my niece (in separate conversations), I have found that the love of a man for his wife and the love of a daughter for her mother has effectively been snuffed out.  My brother planned to do the "until death do us part" thing, because it was the right thing to do. And later on, he planned to do it, so that both he and his wife could avoid financial disaster.  My nephew went to the other side of the continent to escape his parents.  And my niece's choice of husband may have been a conscious way to live as far away from the fighting going on in the family homestead.  But now, I doubt the marriage will last more than another year or two.

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Divorce in late middle age is not something to be done on a whim.  GFJ knows this from her divorce settlement.  There was enough money saved and property owned to take care of 2 people together as they grew old.  But divided, those assets would provide for a less comfortable existence for each of the former partners. GFJ's financial status will likely be a concern for the rest of her life.  So when my brother mentioned divorce as a serious option, I knew that he was close to his breaking point.

My sister in law is destroying herself, and will take my brother down with her if he lets it happen.  I'll be there for my brother no matter what happens.  But I can't help but feel sad for my sister in law - her maternal instincts got in the way of her sobriety.  As for my step-nephew, he's a person better lost than found - and may he stay that way forever.