I almost forgot my anniversary - thoughts on being widowed.

 

There are several days during the year that I make sure I have a small drink - and they are all related to significant days that I shared with my late wife.  Today would have been our 38th anniversary, and there will always be a part of me that misses her.

How would I describe my late wife?  After 27 years of being widowed, many of the little things she used to have faded into the fog of lost memories.  Yet, I can still remember her saying things such as EN-Double A-ESS-T-EYE, and letting out her inner child much more often than I could. Yes, she didn't know how to cope with things at her office, as it was a small business that didn't bother with obeying important business rules, such as having a non-smoking office.  At the end of her life, she was angry because she was the only non-smoker in the office, and the only one that suffered with cancer in that office.

I'll never be sure how much she loved me, or whether she stayed with me because she feared that she'd have no place to go if she left me. I know that her problems  with money triggered my insecurities, and frustrated me until the day she died. Yet, I find it ironic that I may have more female clothes than she did when she died - and that I gave away 12-16 bags of those clothes to a local charity when she died.  I think she would have a big laugh if she were to see me and that closet today.

The other day, I made a short mention of my late wife to Vicki #1, and she went off into a diatribe on how my wife may not have grown with me, how we might have gone into couples' therapy and failed at it, and so on.  It was not what I wanted to hear, as I wasn't in the mood to be convinced that my life is better because my wife died - I know that, and felt a little sad because it is so.  I was simply subconsciously reminded of her, and reacting to that stimulus.

Yet, I'll always wonder now and then - what would have happened if my wife had lived?  And this is where Vicki and I agree - the odds are that we would have gotten divorced, and that I would have approached new relationships with a certain lack of trust. Could this be why certain divorced women are attracted to me as a friend?  Who knows?  But I don't think I'd be able to have my relationship with RQS if I had been divorced.  I needed the assumption of goodwill that only being widowed can bring to a potential relationship.

If there is something after death, I only hope that my late wife is having a good laugh seeing how my life has progressed so far....

Catching up with my friend Maria - A Short Post

 

Maria and I have known each other for almost 35 years, me being there for her as a friend during times good and bad.  Compared to my life, hers hasn't been that easy.  She has had to rebuild her financial life after being laid off by a major firm (for which she had grounds to sue, details which I won't go into here), through a change of career, then through both divorce and widowhood.

Recently, we found time to get together in spite of her busy schedule. As usual, I met her in Marian mode, though she knows me from my days solely as Mario.  She is comfortable with me in both modes, and I'm glad I can be my true self with her. This time, I did most of the talking, telling her about my Hawaii trip, including all of the craziness related to air travel.  However, I did get to mention my Vlog/Blog idea, and she thought it made sense.  So I will continue to write up my notes to prepare for the Vlog/Blog and try ideas out on both Maria and RQS when I'm ready to go.

One of the things Maria and I discussed was travel, specifically her ability to travel.  Her dog just passed away, freeing her to do things away from home.  If I wasn't attached to RQS, Maria and I could go on trips together with me traveling as Marian all the time.  But I am attached to RQS, and I'm glad this is so.  Yet, if things change - Maria will be the first person I choose to be a new travel partner (and not as a romantic interest).

 

A story of 3 couples.

 

Recently, a conversation with a person triggered some thoughts about personalities, and Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" came to mind.  So I figured I'd start off by noting the chorus to the song and see if it fits:

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)
I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you don't you?

 

- - - - - -

Today, I got to thinking about general personality types for divorcees and widows, and I realized that much of the problems we have in choosing second (third, etc.) partners are related to how we filter our memories.  Widow(er)s will often put the late spouse on a pedestal, filtering out the bad memories.  Divorcees will often put their ex spouse in the demonic light of hellfire, filtering out the good memories. Not often enough will people see their absent/former partner in a balanced light.  The truth is usually in the middle of the extremes.

So I'll start off by relating three stories of relationships that ended and see what you think:

1. Several years ago, after breaking up with Ex-GF-M, I placed personal ads on OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.  One of the women I talked with was a pleasant looking Brunette wearing glasses.  But from the beginning I knew that this person would be wrong for me.  She was going through her second divorce, with her to be ex husband sharing a house with her.  All she could do was vent about him and her first ex, and I realized that I didn't want to be the third ex in waiting.
   
   
2. When I was an active member of the AOL Widow/Widower chat room, I befriended a couple that were widowed before they met.  They married, but broke up (in part) because the husband put his late wife on too much of a pedestal.  That's not the loss I'd want to experience if I were to remarry.
   
   
3. One of my friends (who has passed away) stayed on good terms with her ex, and she (with current husband) and her ex (with current wife) would go on vacation together.  I never heard her say a bad word about her ex, but never did she go out of her way to praise him either.  He was a decent man, but someone she couldn't live with.
   

What I see is that in the case of the nasty divorce, one partner has no empathy for anyone but herself.  In the second relationship, the husband put too much of himself into his relationship with the late spouse, and didn't have enough left for his current spouse.  And in the third case, everyone found a happy medium.  Although the third couple must have had some nasty spats, they didn't label the other partner as evil or backstabbing.  They simply agreed that their relationship didn't work out and moved on from there.

- - - - - -

Friendships can end in the same way as couples #1 and 3.  For me, I'd rather be like the 3rd couple, than either of the other 2.  Sadly, this is often not the case.

Just before the pandemic hit last year, I received an email from the ex-wife of my former therapist.  Although she was divorced from her ex, she still loved him.  She just couldn't live with his demons.  She had nothing bad to say about him.  And, having met me in New York, she invited me for lunch at her ex's favorite restaurant.  Too bad that this place is in Hawaii - I'll have to make an extra effort to take her up on her offer....

 

 

 

It's hard to believe that after 30+ years, it may come to this.

Recently, I talked with my brother.  He has had a troubled marriage for a while.  Every time a major milestone in his life is about to happen, it seems as if his wife tries to sabotage things. The older they get, the worse the damage she cause to herself and to my brother.  He is at the breaking point, and is considering a legal action from which there is no return.

- - - - - -

About 31 years ago, my brother got married because his wife-to-be was slightly pregnant. (You can barely see her baby bump in their wedding pictures.)  From the beginning of their marriage, in retrospect one could see that they were sailing into stormy waters. There were the expected problems for a 25 year old man without a college degree on Long Island trying to make his way back then: jobs that didn't pay well enough to take care of his family, a career in a dead end industry, and real estate costs that were starting to go through the roof. But the worst problem was one that was not under his control - his wife's first son, his stepson.

My step-nephew is best described as a ne'er-do-well who got good at being a leech.  He is intellectually lazy, and his work ethic is less than nonexistent.  Even when given a job that paid well just to show up at the front door, he screwed that up.  He is an addict, and has hurt every one of his friends and family as a result of his addictions.  Every family member and friend who agreed to give him a place to live had to kick him out because he was stealing from them to feed his addictions.

During the course of their marriage, my sister in law developed her own addiction, and had to deal with the consequences of her actions.  Until recently, she was clean and sober for over a decade.  This is not an easy thing to do.  And then she took on the "responsibility" to house her eldest son again....

- - - - - -

You'll note that I have glossed over a lot of details.  If I stated too much, a casual reader might be able to identify my brother's family - and I want to respect his privacy.

This summer, GFJ and I went to a small gathering at my brother's place, and my sister in law did not show her face all day.  Supposedly, she was feeling sick, and needed to stay in bed.  With what I know now, I'd bet that she was nursing a hangover.

A few weeks ago, I'm visiting my dad in the nursing home and he tells me that there was trouble between my brother and his wife.  When I saw my brother afterwards, he opens up to me and says the same thing and more.  He's in a position where a divorce would ruin them both financially, and he's trying to avoid it.

My sister in law's addiction resulted in familial problems that have scarred my brother and his two children. In talking with my brother and my niece (in separate conversations), I have found that the love of a man for his wife and the love of a daughter for her mother has effectively been snuffed out.  My brother planned to do the "until death do us part" thing, because it was the right thing to do. And later on, he planned to do it, so that both he and his wife could avoid financial disaster.  My nephew went to the other side of the continent to escape his parents.  And my niece's choice of husband may have been a conscious way to live as far away from the fighting going on in the family homestead.  But now, I doubt the marriage will last more than another year or two.

- - - - - -

Divorce in late middle age is not something to be done on a whim.  GFJ knows this from her divorce settlement.  There was enough money saved and property owned to take care of 2 people together as they grew old.  But divided, those assets would provide for a less comfortable existence for each of the former partners. GFJ's financial status will likely be a concern for the rest of her life.  So when my brother mentioned divorce as a serious option, I knew that he was close to his breaking point.

My sister in law is destroying herself, and will take my brother down with her if he lets it happen.  I'll be there for my brother no matter what happens.  But I can't help but feel sad for my sister in law - her maternal instincts got in the way of her sobriety.  As for my step-nephew, he's a person better lost than found - and may he stay that way forever.

Thinking about an old friend

I first met WDS when I was 16.  That was about 46 years ago.  He lived around the block from the college we once attended.  In many ways, he was the smarter of the two of us.  Yet, he was the one to praise my intelligence.  He never graduated from the school. Yet, he had a more successful technical career than I had.  He had the drive to keep up with changing times and provide for his own security, where I was secured by the bronze handcuffs of the firm I once worked for.

WDS was born in South America, and immigrated to the US at a young age.  I don't know much about his pre-college years, as we never discussed that part of his life.  At the time I met him, he was playing around with experimental music.  But the thing we had most in common was an interest in programming computers.  He saw me as the young kid who'd sneak into computer centers to have his programs run. (I was the type who'd hack security to do what I wanted to do, but never had the wish to cause others any harm.) He was the more pragmatic one of our motley pairing. Education was to serve a purpose, and when formal education was no longer needed, he dispensed with it.

There is a several year difference in our ages, and he was the one who first found a full time job.  A year later, I followed suit, and left the world of day-time studies.  (I finished my undergraduate degree at night, taking 4 calendar years to finish my last year of studies.)   Eventually, we ended up in the same firm - for about 2 weeks.  And then, our career paths never crossed again.  However, we did take advantage of the fact that we were young, had high incomes, and no responsibilities.  I can still remember going into Greenwich Village for a French Dinner that cost each of us $100 - almost 40 years ago.  (Could you imagine what I could have done had I been more frugal with my money?)

As with most cisgender males, women have a "nasty" habit of coming into our lives.  I never was that successful in dating. But WDS was, and got married to a woman who couldn't stand my presence.  So we lost contact for several years.  And then, out of the blue, WDS reestablished contact after getting a divorce and our friendship was renewed.  A few years later, WDS met another woman and married her.  This time things were better - the two of them got along well, and his wife was able to tolerate (if not feel comfortable with) my friendship with WDS.

During this era, I got a job with the bank, and was there for 30 years.  I also met my wife, and WDS was best man at our wedding.  But our lives grew further and further apart - we had very different interests, and WDS had the social polish that I could never have.  (His father was a successful man in South America, and made sure that he had the social skills to travel in any social circle.)

My friend was there for me when my wife took ill and when she died.  And I was there for him when his wife committed suicide. Sadly, she suffered from the same type of cancer that took my late wife, and didn't want to spend the last 2 months of her life doped up and unable to have rational thought. Almost a decade later, I can still remember the basic details of that evening as if it were yesterday.

The last time I saw WDS was at a local pizzeria.  He came up to meet me and Ex-GF-M.  We had a nice lunch, and I always thought that I would see him again.  That hasn't happened.  However, about t years later, he sent me a gift - a fully loaded iPad Air 2, with LTE for when I don't have WiFi access.  This must have set him back a nice penny.

In the years since then, we have communicated exclusively by email.  I neither have a mailing address or phone number for him.  He does work for the local "Agility" (competitive dog training) circuit where he lives, but there is little trace of him otherwise.  I know that he kept busy doing very technical things - software technology that I don't even understand.  He has suggested that I get back into programming.  But I wouldn't know how to get back in and make a buck from it.  So I decided to take down my technology shingle and let youngsters with more energy stay in that rat race.





WDS does not yet know that I am trans.  I just wonder what would happen when or if he finds out....