A surprise contact.

 

I've gained and lost friends over the years.  Sometimes, it's because we no longer serve each other's needs anymore.  Other times, one (or both) people screw up and say/do things which create an unbridgeable chasm between those people. So I was surprised when someone, no longer a friend, emailed me the other day. I will not mention what this person said, or anything more about the contact, save that it was a surprise. Is it an opening to bridge a chasm?  I doubt it.  So I'm going to avoid responding to this person unless I get another contact, just to avoid another awkward exchange of emails.  But it got me thinking about how people screw things up and sever relationships that should be strong.

Tonight, I had a conversation with a friend who has a family problem similar to what I was dealing with before my wife died.  In my case, my wife's death was the event that gave my brother and I the ability to bridge our chasm.  Sadly, with this friend, I don't see the friend's chasm being bridged because of accusations made of a spouse and a family's reactions to those accusations.  Given that I know everyone involved in this family disaster, I feel that it is something that could have been avoided had some of the people involved had acted rationally instead of enabling someone's behaviors.  (I side with my friend on this issue, as I think that the other person has serious issues that are not being addressed.)

With my friend, a family has been torn apart because of a false accusation.  Not even a death in the family has given the parties involved enough of an opportunity to start healing their wounds. And until the accusation is properly addressed by all parties, the key players in this saga will not be able to be in the same room at the same time.  Given the health of one of the family members, I expect that the next death in the family will make it impossible for these people to address the elephants still in their rooms.

So sad.  So very sad....

Good days end with lobster

 

 

Last night, I sent a long delayed response to someone who was expecting an almost immediate response from me. There was one big reason I didn't immediately respond - I needed to figure out what I want to say, as the elephant in this person's room was not an elephant in my room.  (Sorry to keep the details secret.  I just don't want to alienate this person in case she reads my blog.)

This person probably did not want me to feel hurt, when she revealed this something.  But I had long since let go of that part of our past.  So, I had to delay my response.  Since there was another person involved, I had to make sure that any comments about this other person were on spot and well deserved.  I don't know how many more conversations I'll have with the first person, but both of us will be talking about our present lives, and not our past lives.

- - - - - -

Now back to me....

You may have noticed me writing about a favorite food truck (Cousins Maine Lobster) that circulates all over NYC and its nearby NYS suburbs.  Today, the truck was within 5 minutes of my house, so I planned to drive there after work.  My first stop was to drop off two bags to the thrift shop.  Instead of getting an electronic receipt, as I did in the past, I received a card which I could fill in myself.  This is not as good as I'd like, as I could print my copy on standard letter paper.  However, it does allow me to enter whatever quantity of donation bags I want.  So, everything balances out in the end.  

And then it was off for some lobster.  Given that the truck was positioned on the site of a church's fair,  the parking was horrendous.  However, getting my lobster was quicker than usual, as they had lots of food ready for quick sale.  From the time I parked my car to the time I returned to it, 10 minutes had expired, and I had a 10 minute drive to get home.  You can guess what was the first thing I did after stripping off my dress and taking off my bra.  Luckily, I had nothing else to do this evening.....

When one gets tired, one can slip up....

 

I remember how Fran was when she told me about how she decided to come "out" to the world.  She couldn't keep her male and female persona separate enough to avoid having the wrong person see her in the wrong presentation.  Today, I made a smaller version of the same mistake.  Although my mistake is not "fatal" it is a potential problem, as I emailed some paperwork to my doctor's office from my "Marian" account.  This will likely cause a few questions if the receptionist asks the wrong questions.

However, I am not too worried about a worst case scenario.  It will only be a little bit of embarrassment at first, then life will go on.  But this makes me wonder how many of us let our guard down a bit too far when we are tired.  When I used to cruise with FCP, I'd occasionally slip up and use the wrong voice when tired or overly relaxed.  The wrong voice can spoil any presentation in less than a second.  So, sending an email from the wrong account is a relatively minor thing to let happen.  Doctors are supposed to keep secrets, and I expect that the people in his office can be trusted to do the same.

This is why I manage my schedule the way I do.

 

Although I had mentioned to my boss that I planned to take an unpaid week off to take a cruise, he asked whether I noted it online - which I didn't.  In addition to setting up an account on the new payroll system, I also put in a request for a week of unpaid time off.  What I didn't know was that I would need to schedule something else for when I should be working, and whether I should attend an interview as Mario or Marian.

When I got home today, I received the following email:

Good afternoon Ms. Johnson –

We (Name 1 and Name 2) left you a message last week to inform you that we are interviewing for the Clerical Assistant position in the Westchester office of Mental Hygiene Legal Service.

We will be conducting virtual interviews on December xx, 2021.  If you are interested, please contact me.

Thank you.

Name 1

Principal Attorney.

Although I found a record of this call, I did not see any evidence of a message being left on voicemail. (I'll have to talk to them about this when I meetup with them.)  But what I noticed most about this email was that it was addressed to Ms. Johnson and not Mr. Johnson, as in my application.  Considering that all the paperwork that NYS has uses my legal name, I wondered how this mistake could be made.  Even more, how could I make this work to my advantage.  So I called Vicki for some advice.

Vicki advised me to mention that it was all right co call me "Ms." as I am transgender.  However, to clarify things, I have not yet changed my legal name, although I have worked two jobs (including the one I am in) as a female.  And then, shift the conversation to whether I am right for the job at hand.  If this person remembers me from a prior interview, I will mention that it was easier to then interview as a male at that first interview out of a desire to be overly cautious.

So now, once I hear back from this office, I will need to schedule some time off for this interview AND schedule some time off for my yearly physical.  AARGH!  At least, I have been able to keep the times I need to present male and female fully separate from each other....

 

PS:  This was too good to be true.  The next day, I received the following email.  

Good afternoon Mr. Johnson  -

This email will serve as confirmation of your interview for the position of Clerical Assistant with the office of Mental Hygiene Legal Service.  The interview will be held  ....  via Microsoft Teams.  I will send you a Microsoft Teams link prior to your interview.  Should you be unable to make the interview, please contact me at the phone number provided below.

The interview panel will consist of the following individuals: 

xxxxxxx - Deputy Director of Administration
xxxxxxx - Deputy Chief Attorney
xxxxxxx - Principal Attorney of the Westchester Offices
xxxxxxx - Secretary - Southern Westchester Office

As discussed,  this position is Contingent Permanent.  I have attached a “Status of Position” statement which further explains the “Contingent Permanent” status.  Please sign and return the form to me prior to your interview.

*In accordance with OCA guidelines, all new hires must be FULLY vaccinated against the COVID-19 virus by the date of hire, unless granted a reasonable accommodation due to disability or religion.

We look forward to meeting with you....

 
You'll note the dreaded "Mr."  at the beginning of the above email.  So I guess I'm going to attend this online meeting as Mario after all....

 

 

 

 

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.

 

The way I'm going, I'll learn to hibernate like a bear before this is over.

 

I no longer have this ID card, as my job with the census ended 2 1/2 months ago.  But it brings back good memories of a time where having a job kept me out of trouble.  Now that the pandemic is entering into a new phase of hunkering down, it makes sense for me to remember the good times while waiting for my turn to get vaccinated.

It's easy to get a little bit jealous when one sees her friends starting to get their vaccinations.  With all but one exception (my brother, a first responder), everyone who has his/her arm stuck has been a healthcare professional.  Even the woman I've been seeing is scheduled to have her arm stuck this week.

- - - - - -

You might be asking, "Why is this woman talking about hibernation?"   Well, I've been finding that I now have very irregular sleep patterns, and one day is blending into the next.  Today, it took a phone call from a friend to wake me up in advance of a co-op board meeting that I set up.  Thankfully, I wasn't too late for the meeting.  Although I'm usually awake through the night, I'm finding it easier and easier to sleep during the day. Without a job to go to, or social events to attend, it is very easy to lose track of time.  The other day, TCL had to ask me what day of the week it was - a question that neither of us would have to ask when we were both working and had social activities to attend.

The job at the census bureau was one I was thankful to have.  The tasks weren't that difficult, and the pay was good. Although I'll never have an opportunity like that again, I've started to apply to organizations for work.  Hopefully, one of them will come through, as it would be nice to have a few extra dollars coming in, as well as a reason for me to reset my circadian rhythm each week...

- - - - - -

I may have mentioned that one of my blog's readers was in bad health.  Several of us bloggers who know this reader noted that we had no way to find out whether this reader had passed away or not.  None of us knew the real name of this reader, and had no way to contact this person's wife.  Given that I'm all over certain parts of the internet, I stumbled onto this site: http://ifidie.org/learn that may be of use to our TG community. If our friend had used this site, her friends would receive an email within 30 days of her passing.  I plan to start using this site soon.

 

There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

This morning, I found an email from my former cruise partner saying all sorts of nasty things about me.  To some degree, I can see some reason for short term anger.  But after 2 1/2 months, anger should dissipate - especially when that person is no longer in your life. In this case, it looks like it hasn't dissipated, and that I'm going to be hurt by an angry woman.

The email I received is a postscript to a prior blog entry, so I won't go into it here.  I feel very sad that someone can keep up this anger as long as she has.  But it's my cross to bear.  At least, I still have other friends that I can lean on when I need to do so.

- - - - - -

Seeing this email puts a lot of things into perspective right now.  By totally disconnecting from one woman as a friend, I enabled her to get into a self fueled vicious circle of boiling anger.  And when someone is angry and out of control, they lash out in whatever ways they can.  Often, they try to sabotage others - just to cause their targets pain from sources other than the one commanding the shots be taken.

No one likes seeing themselves in a harsh light.  I am no exception to that truth.  If I had things to do all over again, I would have been a little more discreet about what I wrote in the old blog.  And that blog has come back to haunt me several times lately.  It has already cost me the friendship of someone in New Jersey.  It has cost me the friendship of a former cruise partner.  And it has catalyzed the breakup with GFJ.  Could I be too open about my life (and of others' interactions with me)?  It's possible.

One friend of mine said to me recently that she's glad she didn't meet a former close friend of mine.  She doesn't want to deal with people who could hold onto anger for a long time. And I can't blame her.

- - - - - -

So when I finally got moving for the day, I decided to drive out to Paramus, where I could get a dress regularly selling for $79 for only $18 on clearance.  This was too good to be true.  So I made the drive, tried on the dress, and helped it into the trunk of my car.  (I'll try to get a picture of me in the dress soon.)  Next, I drove over to Catherine's to see if they had an "all in one" body briefer in my size.  Unfortunately, they didn't have it in a size 48.  So I did without.  (You can guess what I'll be looking for in the confines of my apartment before the New Year's Eve parties.)

PS: Lane Bryant corrected their pricing, and marked the same dress $10 higher 24 hours later.  I'm even more glad that I made the drive to Paramus when I did!

Christmas Eve started with an unwanted conversation.

I knew today was going to be a little strange from the moment I checked my first emails.  There was a message from a friend telling me that our links on social media were being severed.  Without any explanation, it felt like a slap in the face.  Did I do something wrong?

- - - - - -

We've all had to learn our way around social media.  Although I won't go into any of the "Who, What, Which, Where, When, of How" of it, I can say that the email conversation that followed from the earlier message made me feel a little better - the issues were on the friend's side and not mine. But what if a person just dropped a bombshell like this on you and gave you no clue in follow up conversation.  How would you feel?

Our children are confronted with this and other social media issues every day.  Social media is used and abused.  It is both a news source about our friends and about the world as a whole.  And there is a lot of misinformation being spread which is meant to hurt people.  Due to the nature of tools like Facebook, slander can be spread instantaneously without the person being slandered having a clue to what is happening. There is even less time than before for a person to mount a defense.  Not having children, I can only imagine what they are dealing with these days.

- - - - - -

By 9:00 am, I had fully awakened due to the above mentioned conversation, and I had the pleasure of watching an episode of Perry Mason that I've been waiting a while to see.

Years ago, Raymond Burr was out from work on Perry Mason, and had several guest stars (as guest lawyers) taking on cases with the typical Perry Mason style.  Today's rerun, "The Case of Constant Doyle" guest starred Bette Davis, and she filled in the role perfectly.  If this wasn't Burr's series, I'd have thought it was Davis's series.  She was that good in her role. And it made me wish that the network could have done a spinoff series starring Bette Davis.  Sadly, few movie stars at the time considered TV acting as a craft as respectable as acting on stage or in the movies.  So we only have that one instance of Bette Davis in her prime doing what she does best on TV - being a strong, confident woman who could not be pushed around by anyone.

- - - - - -

Now back to the Christmas season....

One of the blogs I read discussed the masculine difference in Christmas Shopping:

1. Men get less satisfaction out of gift buying
2. Men don’t want to buy the gifts that women want to receive 
3. The thought of buying and receiving presents makes us anxious 
4. Gift buying isn’t men’s way of expressing love 
5. Men love the challenge of a one-day hunt (my favorite)

In regard to gift buying, I am much more like the typical male than the typical female.  I get little satisfaction about gift buying. Yet, I want to buy the type of gift that a person wants to receive. The thought of buying gifts makes me anxious, as I don't to get it wrong.  And it certainly isn't my way of expressing love.  Unlike the typical man, I don't relish the challenge of a one day hunt - I prefer to have my shopping done days or weeks in advance.

Shopping for GFJ this season posed me some interesting issues.  How do I send the right signals with my gifts?  I have to get her size right if I'm buying clothing, yet I can't buy anything that would not be her style.  Luckily, I knew GFJ's size range, so I was able to buy her a sweater that would fit (and if not, was from a store "semi convenient" to her).  The other gifts were easier for me, as I had ideas of what she could use and something that others had advised me to give her.

But if you think GFJ was an issue, what about my brother and his wife?   I was constrained by the requirement not to spend too much on him (we only exchange inexpensive gifts) and something that could be used by both my brother and his wife (I didn't want to give anything that would be too personal, as they are currently having problems with their marriage.) So I ended up giving them a popcorn maker.

- - - - - -

Lately, when I get a text from JS, one of the first things she wants to know is have I been able to fix things with GFJ.  (She doesn't know that GFJ is a female.  But that's another story that I've mentioned in my prior blog.)  And I've had to deflect these questions.  My big question is: Why is my romantic relationship so important?  But then, JS would like for me to help her write a personal ad for her.  There are several reasons that she could be looking for a man.  First is romance.  Second is a financial security blanket.  If she's open about herself and her issues, I have no problem helping her.  But if she's looking for a sugar daddy to take care of her (due to her own weak financial resources), then I have some reservations.

This got me thinking of my former travel partner.  She had cravings for companionship which bordered on addiction.  She'd put up with a man who'd mistreat her, instead of waiting (possibly in vain) for someone who'd treat her with love in the way she deserves.

- - - - - -


Since I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, I don't want to end this post on a down note.  Instead, I'd rather wish my readers a happy and prosperous time in the new year.




Happy New Year!!!!!



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