Wishes

I wish I could look in the mirror and see this face, knowing that the body connected to is would be fully in sync with the image.  Alas, this was not meant to be.  My face, like the rest of my body, shows the wear and tear of living a different life.  But I am not complaining about that, nor am I pining for something that can not be.  Life is a path, that for most of us has its obstacles and challenges, but can have its rewards for making it through without losing your mind or your humanity.

Lately, I get up in the morning and find that I have nothing urgent to take care of.  Life wasn't this way when I had a job to go to.  Just the fact that I had a job that had to get done gave meaning to life - even when I worked at that mind numbing job with the imaging company.  Now, having people to see and trips to take gives me a reason to get up in the morning. 

The other day, I saw BXM for lunch before she had to go to work.  (She has a flexible schedule.)  And she was the happiest that I ever saw her.  When I first met her, she was taking care of a father whose mind and body were gradually leaving him.  Now, she's being energized by helping children get their lives together, as well as having a good home life with her partner.

Not everyone is doing well.  I just had a letter from an old friend, and he told me that his wife had to go through a double mastectomy.  Although she's "triple negative" and going through the 5 years needed to be labeled as "Cured", it must have been hell for her.  This is where I wish my late wife had survived, so that she could console this friend's wife in her time of need.

Another person I know doesn't know enough about how to escape her dead-end "career".  Although she has been told about paths she could take to exit the dead-end, she hasn't done so.  Over time, many of these doors will be closed to her, and she may end up regretting taking the chances she needs to take to escape from a life that is doomed to both keep her poor and without a decent person to accompany her along the path of life.

For all of my friends, I wish that their lives will improve each day, and that they will be able to grasp success from the claws of failure.  As for me, I don't ask for much, as I already have most of what I want and all of what I need....

I almost forgot my anniversary - thoughts on being widowed.

 

There are several days during the year that I make sure I have a small drink - and they are all related to significant days that I shared with my late wife.  Today would have been our 38th anniversary, and there will always be a part of me that misses her.

How would I describe my late wife?  After 27 years of being widowed, many of the little things she used to have faded into the fog of lost memories.  Yet, I can still remember her saying things such as EN-Double A-ESS-T-EYE, and letting out her inner child much more often than I could. Yes, she didn't know how to cope with things at her office, as it was a small business that didn't bother with obeying important business rules, such as having a non-smoking office.  At the end of her life, she was angry because she was the only non-smoker in the office, and the only one that suffered with cancer in that office.

I'll never be sure how much she loved me, or whether she stayed with me because she feared that she'd have no place to go if she left me. I know that her problems  with money triggered my insecurities, and frustrated me until the day she died. Yet, I find it ironic that I may have more female clothes than she did when she died - and that I gave away 12-16 bags of those clothes to a local charity when she died.  I think she would have a big laugh if she were to see me and that closet today.

The other day, I made a short mention of my late wife to Vicki #1, and she went off into a diatribe on how my wife may not have grown with me, how we might have gone into couples' therapy and failed at it, and so on.  It was not what I wanted to hear, as I wasn't in the mood to be convinced that my life is better because my wife died - I know that, and felt a little sad because it is so.  I was simply subconsciously reminded of her, and reacting to that stimulus.

Yet, I'll always wonder now and then - what would have happened if my wife had lived?  And this is where Vicki and I agree - the odds are that we would have gotten divorced, and that I would have approached new relationships with a certain lack of trust. Could this be why certain divorced women are attracted to me as a friend?  Who knows?  But I don't think I'd be able to have my relationship with RQS if I had been divorced.  I needed the assumption of goodwill that only being widowed can bring to a potential relationship.

If there is something after death, I only hope that my late wife is having a good laugh seeing how my life has progressed so far....

Seeing a friend for dinner - a short post.

 

I haven't seen my friend Vicki #2 in a while, so it was nice to get together with her again.  Vicki's spouse is living with cancer, but has no quality of life.  So Vicki has to arrange her life to take care of her spouse until the home healthcare aide arrives for an 8 pm to 8 am shift.

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It's important that key details of Vicki's life be kept private.  So I'll avoid going into fine detail here.  Like any caregiver spouse who tends for a permanently disabled spouse, Vicki's life is not her own these days.  So, when I contacted her before New Year, she suggested tonight for dinner.  But she made sure that we would meet when she knew that she'd be free.  Each time we've met lately, she feels grateful that I'm making the effort to reach out.  She has too much on her plate these days.

Vicki knows that I am TG, and has met me in both gender presentations.  However, most of the time, I meet her in a feminine presentation.  And this is how I dressed when I met her tonight at The Cube Inn, a small restaurant/bar in the heart of Tarrytown, NY.  This is not one of my favorite places to eat dinner.  But it is a nice place to go for a quiet drink with a friend or two.  I was lucky that we scheduled our get together for 8:45, as I wouldn't have been able to order a burger before the kitchen closed.  Thankfully, we could drink (if we wanted) until the cows came home.

We had a leisurely chat over a couple of drinks and some food, and all too soon it was time to go.  RQS and I have an invitation to drop by when Vicki is home.  So, who knows, we will be over someday soon....

How do I feel, now that I'm retired?

 

Please pardon the slightly blurred picture above.  I was looking for a more colorful picture of me to post, and this is what I could find with a limited amount of time.  But why was I looking for something with color to post, you might ask?  Well, the answer is simple.  I feel that the weight of going into a soul crushing job has lifted, and that I am looking forward to the future.

Looking forward to the future does not mean that everything will be cheerful.  For example, if I assume that RQS and I will have a long term relationship, I must also assume the likelihood that one of us could die of old age before the other.  Who needs grief?  But that's a normal part of life if one lives to old age.  Having lost a spouse over 2 decades ago, I'd hate to go through that experience again.  And yet, the reward for taking that risk is worth all the pain it could bring.

I now have the freedom to plan and do new things.  Most of the big things I want to do involve travel.  Yet, the little things in life can be the most rewarding.  For example, I can hear it in RQS's voice when she talks about her exercise sessions.  This may motivate me to finally get back into an exercise routine - or, at least, I hope so.  (Right now, I'm looking at doing some yoga.  I'll talk about that in a later post.)  I may also get back to the reading I've put off, as well as taking care of the tasks I've long neglected.  

Yet, change does not come easily to me.  And this may be one of the biggest changes I'll deal with in life.  I could have muddled on, and continued to work at the soul sucking job.  But I'm reminded of Shirley, a woman I used to work with at the bank.  Her life ended on a very sad note.  Years ago, she worked full time, even after she reached retirement age, to have the medical benefits needed to cover her ailing husband's medical expenses.  Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Her retirement was not one of joy, but of sadness, as she knew she would die with no one left to care for her husband. (Her retirement lunch was a sad ritual, as it was a formality that only made things worse for everyone involved.)  I do not want that fate.  This is why I chose to leave while I still have enough of my health to do the things I want to do.

Cancer Sucks!

 

As I was parking in my usual parking spot, I saw a neighbor walking with a cane.  Normally, he's in the best of health and able to take on an army without showing any stress.  So what gives?  Since he was having trouble getting out of his friend's car, I couldn't help but ask him "What happened?"  And the answer surprised me - he has lymphoma.  Since I don't want to give out any information which can identify him further, I will say nothing about the type of work he does, save that it requires him to be in the best of health.

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This development explains why his car hasn't moved in days.  Luckily, this form of cancer has a 92% cure rate.  But he is worried.  He wants to make it to retirement age, sell his apartment, and move to where his money can go a lot further than it does here.  While we chatted, he mentioned the board member who had been treated for cancer, then died of Covid-19 at the beginning of the pandemic.  I mentioned that my late wife died of cancer.  But I stopped short of volunteering any help.  There is not much I could do for him, save to drive him back and forth between his apartment and medical appointments.  Given that I have little energy these days, I'd be a lousy person to give him much help.

Obviously, this man has at least one friend nearby that can help him.  TCL and I have the same problem - we don't have the friends who could help us if something like this happened to us.  There is no way that I could call on FCP or an ex-girlfriend for assistance, and I don't think I'd want to even consider them even if we were still friends.  (The ex-girlfriend showed her true colors when we had our kerfuffle, and FCP would use it as a cudgel to get what she wants in one way or another.  It's better that I remember all the help I gave her with getting to hospitals, etc. than to let her say it was a one way deal in my favor.)

I'm rooting for this neighbor.  Hopefully, he'll be one of the 92% who live more than 5 years after diagnosis.

Cancer Sucks

 

Some time ago, I posted an entry about a reader of this blog who has died of cancer. This is a malady that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but would consider wishing on some politicians we all know and loathe.  Today, I had a conversation with DCD, a man who I knew through a therapy group we once attended, and he was feeling a bit down.  After 2 operations and a round of chemo (could be radiation, I don't remember for sure), I'm pretty sure that he is scared for his life.

As I've mentioned before, my late wife died of cancer, and it was 9 months from diagnosis to death.  Although this happened more than 2 decades ago, some of the memories are as fresh as if they were made last week. So I feel sorry for DCD, as I have an inkling of what he and his girlfriend are going through.  Like my situation with my late wife, DCD doesn't communicate that well with his girlfriend.  And this isn't helping things much, as DCD doesn't have many options left to him in his life.  If he survives, he'll likely be working until the day he dies.  Let's hope that isn't anytime soon.

One of these days, we'll hear doctors say: "It's only a mild case of cancer.  Don't worry.  We can cure it with this regimen...."  Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.  But the promising developments that started while my wife was alive are slowly beginning to bear fruit.  Let's hope that it comes soon enough for our children not to need to worry about this medical issue....

The first snow of the season

 

I wasn't in the mood to go to work today, and the snowstorm gave me the perfect excuse to stay home.  Yes, I could have gone into work.  But that would have gotten in the way of catching up on some much needed rest.  And I wasn't going to let that happen.

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The plow had come a couple of times during the night, and there was 4"-5" of snow on the cars in the parking lot.  Instead of getting up earlier than usual to both get dressed as Marian AND clean my car of the snow on top of it, I decided to stay in bed an extra couple of hours and get dressed as Mario for the task of car cleaning.  Luckily, the snow was still fluffy, and I could easily brush it off without trouble,   So, off I went to get a late breakfast (or early lunch, as it might be called), and then back to the homestead.  But I wasn't inside for long before the plow came one last time to clean out the parking lot.  So, it was back into the car, and off to an already plowed visitor's spot.

When I finally looked at my email, I received an email from my pen pal in Canada.  Seems like life isn't going that well for her.  Her mom is ill, and needs surgery.  And if she survives the surgery, they don't know how well she will function.  Afterwards, I decided to see what was doing with my former cruise partner's niece, as she was dealing with stage 4 cancer.  Sadly, her niece passed away before I had the chance to visit.  I sent a message to my former friend to tell her of Becky's death - and have not heard from her.  Just as well.  She'll never get over her hatred for me, and there is no longer any chance to patch things up.  There is one last message I have to send her, and I plan to do so in a couple of weeks. At least, no sane person can say that my last messages were nasty or those of a nasty person....

An acquaintance has cancer.

 

The following is from an acquaintance in our TG community that I only had the pleasure of meeting once....

Ok so I guess it’s finally time to tell the whole story.

 

Let’s get the big thing out of the way first: About two and a half weeks ago, I found out that I have stage 3 lung cancer. That means it’s treatable. Stage 4 means get your affairs in order and say your last goodbyes. I’m hoping I get through this but really who knows?

 

What it means in the immediate practical sense is that my new full-time job is seeing doctors, I mean like basically daily. It also means I have very little income. Not a great combo as you can imagine. To top that off, I managed to blow out my voice last week so talking on the phone isn’t easy, bordering on the near-impossible. It’s starting to come back but soooo slowly. 

 

I’m fortunate enough to qualify for some social programs but juggling all the appointments isn’t easy. On top of all that, I thought I’d lost my debit card so I ordered a new one, and am now waiting for a replacement. While I wait, I can only pay for things with PayPal. Also not easy.

 

In some ways, I’m lucky. I have good friends who check up on me to make sure their friend is not only still alive but not cracking under all the pressure, which I’ve come much too close to more times than I’d like recently. The people at the hospital and my regular doc and therapist have been wonderful and an incredible help in helping me learn what I need to know to deal with all this. 

 

It’s so hard, and thus far I’m not doing that great a job of it. Sometimes, it gets a bit overwhelming, and if you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve seen what I’m like when that happens. 

 

The truth is that I still don’t know how to deal with all this, though I am learning. Today was my first and I’m told the worst day of radiation treatment. Chemotherapy begins Wednesday. That’s gonna suck.

 

I’m not exactly living on Xanax but I am taking it more than I used to, to a point where I’m becoming a little concerned about becoming dependent. I know I won’t OD. I know this drug backward and forward. I do, however have an addictive personality and was a pill popper back in my punk days. I use Xanax when I need it. It just seems like I’m needing it a little too often right now.

 

It’s just not a good time for me right now. The treatment will be six weeks, five days a week. Like I said literally a full-time job. I can’t shake the feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better, and I’m not even sure they’re going to get better. To merely say it’s fucking scary would be putting it mildly.

 

Now that my closest friends and family know, I figured it was time to tell everyone else, you, my extended family. I have no idea how this is going to shake out, other than I’m going to do my best to try to keep my shit together and get through this somehow. 

 

I know what comes next and yet I don’t. This is hard.

 

This acquaintance showed me that if one has a will, she can find doctors who will perform her Gender Confirmation Surgeries at a low price. She suffered a lot of discrimination because she is transgender.  Her personal style may have isolated her from some of her family - our mutual connection mentioned that this acquaintance didn't keep up with her correspondences.  (This forum is not the place to discuss that issue.)  But I will say that our mutual connection seemed thankful that I forwarded this message on to her.

 

I would have liked to know this person better before she moved away from the NYC area.  Hopefully, she will recover, and be a stronger person on the other side of this adversity.  Until I know more, my thoughts and prayers are with her....

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

                   

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.