I got a call the other night about DCD

 

When I "sold" my old Honda Civic to DCD, I gave him a car in almost perfect repair.  A year or two ago, I replaced the car's exhaust system, and the car was running as quiet as when the car was first in my possession.  The other night, I found out how badly DCD is treating his car, and it made me sad.  He is not responsible enough to drive a car, much less own one.

NDC (as i called her in a prior post) called me right after I put a load of clothes in the dryer. She told me the story of how DCD screwed up the exhaust system on his car, making it sound like a convention of Harley Davidson motorcycles driving on the open road.  He lost his temper, sped through her complex, hitting a speed bump and making the exhaust system worthless.  But this wasn't all. He is now homeless and lives out of the car.  The other day, he ran out of gas, leaving his car in the middle of the street.  NDC lent him her charge card to buy a gas can and to fill his car.  But he dawdled enough, that she worried that he absconded both with the car and her charge card.  She was almost ready to call the police when he returned. NDC was livid.  DCD's car was still in the middle of the street a couple of hours after DCD called her for help.

DCD had medical appointments the following day, as part of making preparations for his upcoming cancer surgery and chemotherapy.  Without a car, he won't make it to those appointments. I expect that without the right help, he will die alone in his car - if he even gets to keep the car.  As for me, I don't want the car back when he dies - it will cost me more to fix it than it is worth.  At least, he and those around him will be out of their misery.

 

 

I inherited a dust collector. (And wish I didn't.)

 

As many of you already know, I scheduled a trip to California this past April to see my uncle, but he passed away 10 days before my arrival.  This weekend, I visited my brother to say hello and came back with the above "dust collector".

But first....

We had been waiting several days for notice that RQS's prescription had made it to the drug store.  Given all of the hassles RQS had at the hospital shortly before Thanksgiving, it made sense for her to pick up the prescription during 2024.  This would allow her to avoid the headache of getting this expensive prescription renewed by a new doctor shortly into the new year, when she'd be under time pressure to both get the prescription renewed and to pick it up.  This notice came two days after Christmas, so we scheduled our visit to RQS's neighborhood over the weekend.

It was strange driving to RQS's place on a Saturday, when there were none of the usual traffic jams that are normally endured while heading towards her place.  If we had choices, we would not have been on the roads, as the fog was so thick that one could barely see well enough to drive.  Yet, we made it to RQS's place, and took care of multiple pharmacy visits.

Next, it was off to see my brother.  It was good to see him, although things are not going well between him and my sister in law.  I won't go into details here, but I will say that he has a strained relationship with his wife that he may be making worse.  As soon as we got there, it was off to a seafood joint that my brother picked out.  Both of us picked the twin lobster dish, while RQS had the lobster roll.  All of us were filled to the gills by the time we left.

When we got back to my brother's house, I gave him a gag gift for Christmas.  This gift was a novelty takeoff on a "Magic 8 Ball", where one could get an answer of "Yes", "No", or "Maybe" by reading the message at the bottom of the ball.  My gift was a "Magic 6 Ball" that I found on Woot.com.  Unlike the 8-Ball, the 6-Ball produces only useless answers.  It'll make for a curious paperweight.  He asked me to hold on for a minute while he went inside the house to pick up something for me.  He returned with a statue that my uncle won for his work in TV.  Now, I have a dust collector that I can not sell, nor wish to give away.  However, I would have rather had the chance to meet him one last time, and to know him better....

Thinking about the year soon gone.

 

RQS and I seem to be spending most of our free time together, and we've got a routine that seems to be working for us.  This got me thinking about how my life has changed over the past few years, and how things seem to be crystalizing into something nice this past year.

- - - - - -

At the beginning of the year, I was concerned about visiting my uncle before he passed away.  Sadly, this did not happen, and I ended up taking a California Coastal Cruise by myself - one of the few times I've traveled lately without her.  (Yes, I will note that I booked my Hawaii cruise before I met her, but I did offer to have her come with me on the cruise.)  Our big trip was our Norwegian Cruise in June   And then, we took 2 separate cruises to Bermuda.  Cruising has become our favorite form of vacation, but the idea of visiting places already visited has diminished.  We want to experience new places.  And that may mean changing how we travel and where we go.

As we age, we have to worry a bit about changes in our health.  RQS has had her health problems, and I have had my issues.  I will soon need to search for a new GP, as my doctor is getting old.  He's a good doctor, but I have my issues about reaching his office, and the quality of his staff.  My sleep doctor is retiring at year end, and I need to find out who I will need to see for future follow-ups.  Luckily, the doctor who performed my colonoscopy is young, and I will likely be able to see him when I next need to have the lower part of my GI-Tract inspected.

Getting older often means that one will see his/her peers gradually die off.  Earlier this year, one of the people with whom I went to college suddenly passed away.  My cousin passed away just before RQS and I went on one of our Bermuda cruises.  And last night, I was told that the clinical supervisor for my feminine speech training at Mercy College had passed away due to a heart attack.  I live one of the more unhealthy lifestyles of people I know.  Yet, I've been lucky enough to maintain my addictions to air, water and food.  

Now that I've been out of the workforce for 2+ years, I miss work for only one reason - the social aspect of being in an office.  Towards the end of my work life, I knew that my efforts were underappreciated.  At the bank, I was no longer in the location where the company was growing, I was in a field that was quickly dying off, and I had been unable to make the transition to a new skill set in time to maintain my value to the corporation.  I was a misfit for the first job after leaving the bank .  And then, the next 2 jobs had no room for future growth.  So I'm glad that I have my days to myself.

Even with having days to myself, I'm finding that I'm attending fewer meetups.  More of them are being held on weekends, and I am no longer free on weekends.  More of my time is committed to being with RQS (and her time with me) than I ever had with XGFJ.  We stumbled into a solid relationship, and I make sure to tell her how lucky I feel that she's with me on this part of my journey through life.  Contrast this with my brother's life.  My sister in law's illness has put extreme stress on their relationship, and he stays away from the house to maintain his peace of mind.  Earlier in the year, he booked a Mediterranean cruise for August, and then cancelled it for reasons other than he wanted to mention - I think my sister in law's illness played a part in his decision.  Virtually all of his travel now is without his wife, and I feel sorry that they do not travel together to see their offspring.  I wouldn't trade my life with RQS for his life with his wife.  I prefer to spend my time with RQS when possible.

I am worried about what will happen over the next 4 years.  The president-elect is being reckless with his nominations, and will likely alienate us from the free world.  More important to me is the GOP's attitude towards transgender people.  Although I could live in stealth mode, I don't trust the powers that be not to violate my civil rights.  So I am working on getting a second passport.

So many things are in flux right now.  And yet, I feel calm.  Somehow, I'll find a way to survive and prosper - in spite of the world around me.

 

By the time you read this, I'll have returned from a cruise

 

As most of my readers know, I write blog entries between 7 and 14 days before they are made available to my readers.  Soon, I'll be posting a record of my most recent California cruise which sails from Los Angeles to San Francisco, Avalon (Catalina Island, CA), San Diego, and Ensenada Mexico before returning to Los Angeles. When I decided on taking this cruise, I had hoped to visit my uncle in his Los Angeles nursing home.  Sadly, he died 11 days before the cruise.  Since it was way too late to cancel the cruise, I decided to go on it anyway - if only to have 9+ days in a row where I could present as Marian and not Mario.  

Right now, I plan to enjoy a full day in Los Angeles, not knowing what I'll be doing.  I've found that my cell phone has NFC, so that I can use Google Wallet to pay for trips on LA's mass transit system.  So, I won't be needing to use Ubers to get around in the daytime.  (I'll still need to use them at night, as I don't want to inadvertently travel through high crime areas after dark.)  For the times I'm near the hotel, I might bring a swimsuit, so that I can get a tan near the pool.

In many ways, San Francisco is like a second home that I stayed in for only a short while.  So, if I can, I'll visit the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes before returning to the cruise ship.  Catalina Island will be new to me, and I'm not sure of what to do there.  But, I'll be visiting RQS's cousin in San Diego.  This is something I look forward to, as this will be the first of RQS's relatives to meet me as Marian,

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this trip will bring me only pleasant memories.  I'll let you know when I start writing posts upon my return.

I now wish I hadn't booked an upcoming cruise

 

Before anyone gets any wrong ideas, I am still looking forward to my cruise.  But the conditions which made me select this cruise at this time have changed, and I would have preferred to be taking a different cruise with RQS later in the year.

But first....

My uncle passed away last night.  After 91 years on this planet, it was time for his soul to depart his body and travel into the unknown - whatever that might be.  He lived a long and successful life, having won more than one industry awards in a highly competitive and visible industry.  (Let's just say that you might have seen him win one of his awards 50 years ago, or so.)  He was always there for his family when he was needed, and I'll always be grateful for the assistance he offered when my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Last year, I chose to take a California Coastal Cruise, as a fallback if my uncle wasn't up to being visited.  Sadly, he had severely damaged his hip the autumn before, and it never healed enough to allow him to walk again.  (He fell trying to take care of a wife who was suffering with dementia, when his wife should have already been placed into a care home.)  When we visited Los Angeles last June, he had just been told that he'd never walk again.  With everything going on in his life at that time, I made it a point to try and visit him again while he was still above ground.  Today, I got the news that I was about a week or two too late.

Right now, the person in charge of my uncle's affairs has not made any arrangements for my uncle's memorial service/gathering.  I likely will not be able to attend this service if held before mid May, as my prior commitments preclude making any trips.  And, even if I could attend, I will not know any of the people who would be attending this service/gathering, as they are all industry insiders.

At least, there is one good thing to come out of all of this.  I will not need to bring along any male garments for my upcoming trip. (I'm sure that my uncle would have found a way to write a humorous story about this if he wasn't the person in the casket....)

The future looks scary, and not for the expected reasons.

 

Even though I am turning 67 this year, death hasn't yet scared me that much.  I still see a future ahead of me, and then - who knows?  But what does scare me is that I am transgender, and that the "religious right" in politics is targeting people like me for their pogroms.

- - - - - -

Recently, I awoke to a rerun of a program discussing how the Christian Nationalists are plotting to take over the levers of American government and take away hard earned rights from the LGBTIQ community.  This scares me, as I have been open enough to be easily persecuted if the worst happens.  Yet, I feel that I will have enough time to pack up my bags and find a temporary home if the worst happens.

But why does the fear of religious persecution keep me up at night, and not that of death?

All people die.  Why worry about something you can't control or avoid?  But being persecuted is something I might be able to avoid, and history has shown that it is possible if one is able to act early enough.  Right now, I fear that I might be living in the equivalent of Germany's Weimar Republic of the 1920's, and that we may soon enter the equivalent of the Third Reich of the 1930's.  Given that we know what happened to Germany in 1945, there is a lot for a thinking person to be worried about.

Do I have a plan for the worst case scenario?

Right now, I am working on an escape plan.  But this is not enough.  Anyone who leaves this mess may need to bring their money with them as well.  If I were in my 20's, I'd leave this country and put down roots elsewhere.  Canada might not be a good option, as I remember what happened to Austria when the Nazis had power.  The last thing that the US or Canada needs is to unify under a single government.  Ireland or the UK would be good options, but could they maintain their own independence? 

In youth, it's easy to find places where one can start life anew.  If I had to leave the US when I was in my 20's, I'd have had my choice of English speaking nations.  But 40 years later, I no longer have the skills that would make me desirable candidate to be accepted in a new country.

So, what am I doing?

For the most part, I'm speaking my truth to others, hoping they will see the dangers coming from the right.  Sadly, I think identity politics is finally going to get the best of America, and that I may find myself looking for the nearest border if the worst happens....

Summing up problems - a quick post

 

So far, I have had to cancel several credit/debit cards, as well as replace my ID.  But this is not all, as I could never remember all of what I had in my wallet at the time I lost it.

- - - - - -

Today, my one excursion out of the house was to file a dispute with one of the banks issuing my credit cards, as  a transaction I thought was cancelled wasn't.  Luckily, the person on the call when I reported the card stolen told me to report the theft to the police and get a copy of the report.  This would prove very useful in a dispute - and I probably needed it....

My friends from Texas are amazed that I got so much done over the past couple of days.  Yet, I couldn't get the messes in my place cleaned up - even with a furniture delivery tomorrow afternoon.  What bothers me is that I won't be able to return to a female presentation for another few days yet, as all the appointments I have expect me to be presenting as a male.

- - - - - -

Sometime over the next few days, I have to visit a friend who is sitting Shiva.  Her mom was almost 98 years old, and had both a long and a good life.  The measure of a person is how much s/he is cared about (in a loving way) as s/he goes through life.  This woman was loved by the people who knew her.

The above gets me to think - It's been a while since I've seen Vicki #2, and I have to make the time to see her.  I might have seen her once after her spouse's memorial service.  But that's because our schedules did not permit getting together.

- - - - - -

So, to sum things up - my problems are first world problems that can be fixed with time and/or money.  Other people can and do have it worse....

Another friend bites the dust - a quick post

 

Years ago, I dated the woman above.  It turned into a simple friendship, as we were in different stages of life.  Mary was about to retire, and I was trying to stave off a forced retirement for a few years.  Sadly, thanks to Facebook and its habit of reminding people of posts they made years ago, I found out that my friend had died a couple of years ago.

Mary once wanted to become a nun.  However, that was not her calling.  Yet, she ended up serving people in her own way, running a restaurant, running an Airbnb, and even managing hospitality for a service organization's guest house overlooking the Hudson river.  When I last was in contact with her, she had moved back to the San Francisco Bay area, and had just found subsidized housing that she could afford.

I always wanted to visit Mary the next time I returned to the SF Bay area, but we had lost contact and I had other things on my mind for the past few years.  When I was in SF on my recent cruise, I had forgotten all about her.  So I was very surprised to find out that she passed away in 2021.  Could it have been Covid-19?  Who knows?  I remember that she had a blood disorder that she knew could kill her one day.  Could this have happened?  I doubt that I will ever find out, as I was never in her close circle of friends.

By my calculations, Mary was 77 years old when she passed away.  She lived a good life, and she was one of those rare people that no one would have a bad word to say about her.  I consider myself lucky to have known Mary for a short period in life, and I will miss having the chance to see her again....

Someone in one of my meetup groups passed away - a quick post.

 

 
The other day, someone from one of my meetup groups passed away.  The only reason I know this is a weekend meetup being held to celebrate this man's life.

- - - - - -

I always felt it strange that this fellow wanted his picture taken with me when we attended the same FTF meetup.  Was he interested in dating me?  Who knows?  If I were interested in dating men, he might have been on my radar, as I'm told that he was a sweet person.  Luckily, I met RQS at the beginning of last year, and I didn't have to tell him that I wasn't available to date, nor did I have to reveal to him that I am trans.

Although I would have liked to be able to find out how he died and to attend his memorial, I have a higher priority in my life - RQS.  Assuming that I'm able to attend a mid-week meetup with this group, I will ask the leader about how he died, and whether it was expected.  Until then, I will accept that there are some things I am not meant to know right now - and leave it at that.

RQS's cat stayed alive just long enough to see her one last time.

 

Cats.  Those who have them love them.  Those that don't often do not understand how these animals attach themselves to us, and how we bond to them.

- - - - - -

RQS 's cat has been ill for a while.  We didn't have a clue about what the problem was, but we knew that it was related to the cat being 18 years old.  Things started out with this cat not being able to control when it had bowel movements. Yet, after a visit to the vet, the cat seemed to be responding to medicine, and was regaining control - or, so we thought.

Recently, RQS had to put one of her cats to sleep.  It was both an emotional and financial decision, as this cat was "only" 13 years old.  When RQS was confronted by the knowledge of the treatments this cat would need, without any assurance that the cat would survive, RQS made the hard decision to put the cat to sleep.  As she said, it was her "husband's cat", a cat that never recovered from the death of RQS's husband. Putting her younger cat to sleep was a very emotional decision for RQS, and she knew that she would soon have to do the same for the older cat - "her cat", as she called it, as it attached itself to her when it was a kitten.  Sadly, today was that day.

This morning, I dropped RQS off at the train station, and she had an uneventful ride home.  Despite a very healthy appetite, the cat had been losing weight for a while.  However, she saw that this cat could not control its bodily functions any longer as she entered her apartment.  The cat was very weak.  So, off to the vet she went, and it was the day she feared.  "Her Cat" had to be put to sleep, and she was crying all the way home.

Chatting afterward, RQS sadly noted - "We won't have any scheduling problems anymore with our cruises."  To me, that's a sad byproduct of a heart wrenching loss....  Both of us would prefer to deal with the problems associated with this very lovable cat....

I miss my former boss - a short post

 

Here is the face of a good man who meant a lot to people outside his family.  His life was cut short by a drunken hit-and-run driver,  But you may wonder, why am I making note of him here?

Well, this good man was a voice of calm in a sea of confusion.  When I first met him, the bank I worked for went through a nasty hostile takeover battle, and he was one of the people who had to earn the trust of the new people he supervised.  Over the years he worked for the bank, he did just that and was respected by all that knew him.

What most people didn't see is that he was quietly able to preserve (for a while) the careers of several people who worked for him when the next corporate merger occurred.  He made sure that the people taking over our area knew the value of a handful of key employees (myself included) that were needed to keep the technology infrastructure running.  He could have survived as well, but he didn't want to relocate himself again, this time to a city he hated.

Since that time, we stayed in contact over the years, and we met for lunch on the day that I was laid off from the bank.  (That was a weird coincidence!) We'd get together at the Cheesecake Factory in West Nyack, a place which was equidistant from our houses. And when Covid hit, we'd meet via Zoom.  Who knew that when I tried to set up the next Zoom meeting, I'd find out of his passing?

I was lucky to meet this man's family sitting Shiva.  I only wish I could have met them while he was alive. I told the family about things I knew about him, and they shard things they knew about me and the office. And all too soon, we had to part ways.

As much as I am not much of a believer in the afterlife, I do believe that if there is one, he will be a good place.  At least, I hope so....

The detrius of someone's life

 

The other day, I saw this scooter put out in the trash area for bulk pickup.  Given that the scooter likely came from the belongings of a woman who died a few months ago, I feel a little sad seeing the scooter  here to be taken out with the trash..

We all get old, and we all die.  It's just a matter of how and when that these things happen.  For many of us, it's hard to get our heads around the idea of a time in which we won't exist.  Since our lives can end at anytime, it makes sense to plan for tomorrow, but live for today.

- - - - - -

This morning, I came home from a doctor's appointment and met my next door neighbor.  He said that he hadn't heard any noise coming from my apartment and hadn't seen my car move in several days.  If he hadn't seen me come in today, he might have called the police to check in on me.  This got me to thinking: What if something did happen to me?  Who'd care other than distant family and friends?

Right now, my apartment is a total mess.  I'd feel sorry for the people who would be responsible if I were to die suddenly, as they would need to figure out how I arranged things in my financial life and then clean out, freshen up, and sell my apartment.  So, I will need to take care of a few things while I still have the ability to do so.  (No, I don't expect anything to happen to me.  But how many of us do?)

As my readers know, I maintain two wardrobes.  I can only imagine what my brother would think if he saw what was in one of my closets.  Whoever handles the closeout of my life will be in for some surprises.  It's too bad that I won't be around to see their reactions....

Birth and death

 

Today is RQS's birthday.  We celebrated it last weekend, as I wasn't going to be at her place during the week.  But she will be getting her birthday card when I see her next weekend.

Why do I mention this?  Well, our conversation covered the usual topics, as well as the death of some people one step away from me.  For example, the mother of an ex-girlfriend died last week.  An acquaintance from college died at the same time.  And now, my boss's wife died today.  This explains why he's been out of the office so much as of late.

I remember how it was for me when I lost my wife. And I feel sorry for my boss, as he will soon be going through the same type of grief experience I did 26 years ago.  Although I don't know much about the man, I know that he must have cared for his wife as much as I did mine.  

Sadly, death is an important part of life.  It gives us an impetus to get things done if we are smart.  We realize that life won't last forever, so smart people don't waste any time in achieving their goals.  Not so smart people waste much of their time, and accomplish very little.  And yet, that's not a bad thing. If everyone had what it took to accomplish great things, we'd all be in conflict with each other and nothing would get done.  

Would I have liked to have lived a different life, knowing what I do now?  Yes!  Many of the major things would still be the same in a revised life, save that I would have gotten therapy much earlier, put more energy into getting an education, and invested my money better.  Yet, as the adage goes: We have two lives. The first is where one makes the big mistakes.  And the second is where one uses what one has learned in the first life to make the second life precious.

As for me, I'm enjoying that second life.  Coming out as a Transgender person has allowed me to be the person I want to be - even if I can't be that person full time.  A little bit of something good is much better than having nothing.  And I have a lot of something good these days....

Odds and Ends after breakfast

 

I didn't know what I was going to say when I started writing this entry.  And I realized that notes I've taken at work for blog posts are often needed by the time I get around to writing anything for public consumption.  So, I might as well write about some miscellaneous odds and ends in my life.

- - - - - -

It's hard to believe, but I haven't seen my brother since Thanksgiving. I realized this when I was talking to RQS about the situation at my brother's house, trying to recall which holiday we spent together with takeout food.  Since I was away cruising at Christmas, I figured out that the holiday was Thanksgiving. But this made me a little sad.  My brother does not have a happy home life, and it seems to have reached a constant low.

Last year, I felt it important to find a way to restore communication with XGFJ.  Over the past year, I realized that as much as I'm glad that we were able to resume communications in a friendly way, I no longer am hurting from our breakup.  Would I have preferred it if we had never broken up?  Yes.  But, I'm not sure if I'd want to revisit that past.  I like where I am now, and do not miss having to guilty about fulfilling commitments I made for myself appearing in a feminine presentation.

Work is a constant soul suck. But I have a set of target end dates for which I will end employment at this place.  My nest egg is large enough to get me through retirement.  Yet, I want to find ways of preserving it as long as possible. So I've kept working.  One of my target dates is for when I've officially been employed by my firm for 12 months. Another target date is the beginning of the month I turn 65. And the last target date is just before my Hawaii cruise.  So far, I'm leaning towards the latter date.  This will allow me to preserve enough savings, so that a 1 time distribution from my 401k will get me through to when I turn on Social Security payments.

The mother of a girlfriend I had from before I was married just passed away.  Even though I haven't seen this woman in years, I'll soon be sending a condolence card to my friend. In addition, an acquaintance from college passed away recently, so I'll be sending a condolence card to his widow as well.  The older I get, the quicker people seem to be passing away.  Although this is a normal feeling for people my age, I am still saddened by this fact.

Since I'm writing this post on a Saturday, I am looking forward to seeing RQS again.  The big question is: When the bloom is off the rose, will it still bring back warm feelings?

A death of an acquaintance.

 

This picture has nothing to do with about what I am writing about today.  Yet, it was a reminder that I had to get around to writing about a death of someone I haven't seen in years.

- - - - - -

Years ago, I went to school with a man who joked about forming his own Klan.  (Spelling that word with a "K" is intentional.)  This man was raised by an intolerant Germanic father, and he inherited many of his attitudes from his dad.  At that time, I liked this person (I didn't have good taste in people then), and I ended up buying an insurance policy from him when he was in the insurance business.  

Over the years, we lost contact, and he went his own way with his life.  Yet, I was shocked to hear from him via Facebook, and I felt that he had the same attitudes he had in his past, as he was a Trump supporter. When he died, I decided to look at his Facebook page, and I was surprised by several things.  First, he was no longer posting stupid things on his Facebook page, and there was little trace of the Trump support he showed in the past.  Next, it appeared that he married again (he was already divorced once when I knew him), and that nothing showed up in his feed showing what this woman looked like. And finally, it looks like he had done a complete turnabout in regard to racial relations.

Sadly, I will not be in the NYC area when a memorial service is held for him.  I would like to find out what happened to him in the years since we were together.  I wonder what he would think if he were to find out that I am transgender.  Unfortunately, some things can not be known....


PS: I later found out that he was still on his second marriage.  Never trust personal data shared on Facebook.

I'm sad tonight...

 

This is going to be a quick post tonight.  I had a very good day today and would like to talk about it right now.  But I am sad.  Two people I knew from my days hosting the AOL Widows and Widowers chat room passed away recently.  

I had a wonderful day with RQS, and I was able to being up the issue of being both Mario and Marian with her.  She's not yet completely sure how she feels, but she wasn't in a hurry to give me the bum's rush. When I eventually left her this evening, I drove home very carefully, as they were spreading salt for tomorrow morning's expected snow.  In NYC limits, they spread enough salt in some places that I first thought some other substance (think of loose gravel) had been dumped on the roads.  In Westchester, they had only started to spread salt, and I was stuck behind a salter truck for a few minutes before I was able to get around him and get home while I was safe to drive.

When I finally made it home, I read a text from a long ago girlfriend telling me that two people had died.  One I met on a date (it was only curiosity), and we became friends for a couple of years before she retired and moved to Florida.  Her death was sudden and unexpected.  If I lived in Florida, I'd have driven to her services and the shiva afterwards. But in New York, I don't even have her daughter's address to send my condolences.  The other lady I only met at W/W gatherings, but she was a good person for whom I wished the best.  With her, cancer finally took her life, and she will be missed by many.

So, instead of feeling happy for the good day I had, I feel sad because of the message that ended my evening.

Cancer Sucks

 

Some time ago, I posted an entry about a reader of this blog who has died of cancer. This is a malady that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but would consider wishing on some politicians we all know and loathe.  Today, I had a conversation with DCD, a man who I knew through a therapy group we once attended, and he was feeling a bit down.  After 2 operations and a round of chemo (could be radiation, I don't remember for sure), I'm pretty sure that he is scared for his life.

As I've mentioned before, my late wife died of cancer, and it was 9 months from diagnosis to death.  Although this happened more than 2 decades ago, some of the memories are as fresh as if they were made last week. So I feel sorry for DCD, as I have an inkling of what he and his girlfriend are going through.  Like my situation with my late wife, DCD doesn't communicate that well with his girlfriend.  And this isn't helping things much, as DCD doesn't have many options left to him in his life.  If he survives, he'll likely be working until the day he dies.  Let's hope that isn't anytime soon.

One of these days, we'll hear doctors say: "It's only a mild case of cancer.  Don't worry.  We can cure it with this regimen...."  Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.  But the promising developments that started while my wife was alive are slowly beginning to bear fruit.  Let's hope that it comes soon enough for our children not to need to worry about this medical issue....

The first snow of the season

 

I wasn't in the mood to go to work today, and the snowstorm gave me the perfect excuse to stay home.  Yes, I could have gone into work.  But that would have gotten in the way of catching up on some much needed rest.  And I wasn't going to let that happen.

- - - - - -

The plow had come a couple of times during the night, and there was 4"-5" of snow on the cars in the parking lot.  Instead of getting up earlier than usual to both get dressed as Marian AND clean my car of the snow on top of it, I decided to stay in bed an extra couple of hours and get dressed as Mario for the task of car cleaning.  Luckily, the snow was still fluffy, and I could easily brush it off without trouble,   So, off I went to get a late breakfast (or early lunch, as it might be called), and then back to the homestead.  But I wasn't inside for long before the plow came one last time to clean out the parking lot.  So, it was back into the car, and off to an already plowed visitor's spot.

When I finally looked at my email, I received an email from my pen pal in Canada.  Seems like life isn't going that well for her.  Her mom is ill, and needs surgery.  And if she survives the surgery, they don't know how well she will function.  Afterwards, I decided to see what was doing with my former cruise partner's niece, as she was dealing with stage 4 cancer.  Sadly, her niece passed away before I had the chance to visit.  I sent a message to my former friend to tell her of Becky's death - and have not heard from her.  Just as well.  She'll never get over her hatred for me, and there is no longer any chance to patch things up.  There is one last message I have to send her, and I plan to do so in a couple of weeks. At least, no sane person can say that my last messages were nasty or those of a nasty person....

Thinking about my friend, WDS

(If you look carefully, WDS is reflected as behind his dog.)

The other day, I wrote about WDS's latest response to an email of mine.  So I responded with another email of my own:

WDS, 

1. I understand that there are no promises. And I'm not a person who deals in false hopes.
2. I'm glad you are not in a care home. Do you have anyone looking in on you now and then? I have similar values as you do regarding the quality of life. It was important to me that I was there to support you in your time of need, and would do that again.
3. Can you take care of any paperwork that comes your way? Do you have someone who will contact your friends and family (I only know of a half sibling of yours) when the time comes?

Remember that I will support you in the decisions you make. If you need someone to come down for a short while to help, I will do so.

Please keep me up to date on things.... Although we haven't been in the same place in years, I still consider you among my best friends.

Mario

I'm hoping that WDS understands all of what I'm trying to say.

WDS is an atheist. So saying like "my thoughts and prayers are with you" would be an insult, as he thinks that religion and worship are worthless. The fact that he is in his rented home is important to me, as it means he can control his destiny to some extent. However, I am concerned about his ability to handle paperwork, as he lost part of the brain which controls speech and language. It has also affected to use the right side of his body. Since I remember him being right handed, the effects of the stroke would be enough to make me want to take a long dirt nap. So, I can only imagine what a fitness conscious person like WDS must be feeling right now.

I'll miss WDS, although we haven't seen each other in years.  When I got the short term job at the payments firm, WDS gifted me a top of the line iPad. He made sure I couldn't refuse his gift.  There are many more things I might want to enumerate, but I won't do so right now.  Instead, I only want for him to go into the dark unknown in the way he chooses to go.  Hopefully, he'll be able to do that.  From what I can tell by the following reply, I think he'll get what he wishes.

A former member of the dog club calls me daily or twice daily and comes once a week.
Yes, I can take care of paper work.

Thank you

This is all I need to know.  I asked if he wanted me to call him, but I think he'll say No.  So in many ways, I think this will be the last communication I have with my old friend.

 

 

I miss my friend.

 

I was thinking of a good person today.  She was a member of our community, but we didn't lose her due to Covid-19 itself.  Instead, we lost her because nearby hospitals were overloaded with Covid-19 patients and were unable to diagnose or treat her cancer before it was out of control.

My friend's last communication with me was an email which I've edited for both brevity and for privacy. The following email was her acknowledgement that death was soon to come.

Things were not supposed to go this way. I had planned two more years of working and then get going on my bucket list. I have been fortunate beyond belief being blessed with the best wife and family any man could have. I have had a good career and have fought many battles but those days are behind me.

I am sad that I will not likely complete some of the plans I had. I figured I would reach 70 in two years and retire and then start living my life and doing all the things I could not do while working. There are many of you that I planned to see and visit but unless something good happens that will not occur. Right now any movement is exhausting and talking is difficult. I wish I could breathe or even walk from one room to the next. I will continue to fight one day at a time but the current prognosis is depressing.

I am thankful for the life that the Lord has given me. It has been a good run with good friends and a great family. In June I would be married 48 years. My goal was to make it at least until 50 years married. I would love a few more rounds of golf and a few more runs down a ski hill but now it is hard to move from the recliner. I had planned to take my wife across the country to meet some of my friends but if the doctor is right that is not in the cards.

I thank you for your support and prayers. I may not have the ability to write again since getting on the computer is a strain. I will look to see you all again on the other side.

I wish you all health and happiness.

I do not think she would mind if I shared this last message as well as showing her picture.  This is the person she always wanted to be, but had to keep in a closet.  When she got too sick to have realistic hope of recovery, her wife disposed of her female clothing because she was afraid of what others may think.

Life is way too short to worry about what others may think.  One must live authentically.  For me, it is currently a life split between two worlds.  But for my friend, it was a second life mostly led in secret.  She could never take the risk that other people would find out about this side of her, nor could she share the beauty in her soul that this side of her represented.  Yet, she helped make it possible for me to be the person I am.

My friend and I met in person only once.  She could only treat her female side as part of a fantasy because the reality of coming out would be way too risky.  If I could have advised her to do one thing, I'd have advised her to be brave and share this part of her soul with others.  Yes, it would have come with big risks. I lost someone special because she couldn't deal with this side of me, or couldn't talk about her feelings about this side of me until it was too late.  But the rewards may have been worth the risk.  Sadly, only my friend would know if this is true - and by now, she has likely passed away. 

I would have liked to say my goodbyes in person while she was alive.  It would have been nice if her wife had sent out an email with wake/funeral information, so that we could pay our respects after her death.  (This is one time I'd choose to wear a dark MEN'S SUIT, as the wife did not approve of my friend's need to express her femininity.)  There were so many things that could have been better that were not to be.

It's hard to believe that I don't even know my friend's last name, or where she lived.  Several years ago, she gave me advice that helped me break down the wall of fear that prevented me from going out and about as Marian. She later gave me more good advice when I needed it - all while she was suffering with her cancer.  I miss my friend.