One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is that when things are calm and I am living a mundane life, people can find me boring. Isn't this what most trans people want for their lives? Excitement and challenges are good and necessary. But, being calm and relaxed is important too. Balance is essential for a healthy life.
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When I switched to writing this blog, I lost 2/3's of my readership. I attribute this loss to not including stories about the life of my former cruise partner and the "Sturm und Drang" in her life. Yet, that's a good thing. After undergoing painful feelings of loss and grief, I came out a better person in the end. I hope she came out better as well.
In the beginning, life for a transgender person can be scary. First, we have to experiment with being partially out. Questions like "what will people think?" and "what can happen to me?" come to mind. We fear our unknowns, and we are often paralyzed by our fears. Gradually, we start tiptoeing outside and getting used to being seen. We know our appearance is far from perfect, but we're experimenting with our new social identities. At this time, we usually work towards having the skills to blend in and not be noticed (at first) as being transgender people. We are learning who we are and who we want to be by being out in the world. Yet, our identities are not yet fixed yet.
After a while, we develop confidence in our "new" selves. We have learned the unwritten language of our authentic gender, and people know us as our authentic identity. Some of us move forward to medical transition, others stay with legal and social transition, and the rest remain comfortable in gender roles that provide enough flexibility to present as their authentic selves.
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So, do I lead a boring life? In some ways, yes. In others, no. One of my friends says I have the best of both worlds. But I'm not sure of that. I can never grow close to my children as a cisgender woman can. Nor can I take advantage of male privilege in ways I find alien to me. It's as if I am an immigrant in a new world. Familiar, yes. And yet, a little bit strange. But I wouldn't change things for the world.
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