What difference a decade makes!

 

I have been traveling as Marian for about a decade and much has changed in my life.  For example, the woman who took this photo is no longer my friend.  My long term career in computing ended, I survived a couple of breakups, and a few people close to me passed away.  But the one thing I have gained is confidence. In this decade, I feel much more confident in my ability to blend in as a female. Often, people don't notice much, save for my size, when they meet me - until I let my guard down.  Over time, I have become more comfortable in telling people that I am transgender, and will do so if someone asks.

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However, I am not completely happy with my current situation.  Recently, I got my ears pierced so that I could wear a greater selection of earrings  But this may not be enough for me.  I have made a promise to RQS that I will keep - no significant body modifications while we are in a relationship.  I will trade progress on my path towards living as a female for the love of a caring woman.

But what can I do that this woman could accept?

Right now, I'm thinking of either getting hair transplants to deal with my male pattern alopecia. Maybe some partial facial feminization surgery after that. And then, I'd want to get my name changed so that my official id would have a picture of me with an androgynous hair style.  This way, people who need to do a casual inspection of my id wouldn't notice much if I were dressed as a male or female.  The big issue is what to do with my chest.  Do I want to deal with having breasts and risk a relationship?  If I were to go to that next step, I'd get "permission" from a partner, as she'd have to live with me and my new "rack".  This and more would be subjects for thought as I get older.

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This path of feminization has been a long one, and I wonder what the next decade will bring me....

 

Hawaii Vacation - Day 10: Waimea Canyon & the Na Pali coast

 

Waimea Canyon - when the weather is clear, it is stunningly beautiful.  However, I got there on a less than perfect day.  And it was still well worth the visit.

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This was a day that started by me waking up an hour earlier than desired.   This wasn't a problem, as I spent the time organizing my big suitcase for my return trip home.  If I do this trip with RQS, I will pack less stuff and flip a coin as to which gender presentation I use on the trip.  (When I get home, I'll say of word of thanks to Kim (of Travelling Transgender) for effectively telling me that I should have no problems presenting as female, but carrying male id.)

After leaving the ship, I was directed to an incorrect waiting area.  In a way, I was lucky this happened because I was one of the first on the bus and was able to choose a good seat.  But I felt a little sorry for the fellow who waited next to me, as little special care was taken to make it comfortable to get to and on the bus.

 

Once we got moving, we went to a small state park for a bio break.  While there, we could go to the fenced in area to view the blowhole associated with the park. Every few waves, we'd see the blowhole spout and this justified using the park for a bio break.  Before I go on, this was the first time I went to a stall in a women's room that did not reach 6 feet above the floor.  So I tried to be very careful about adjusting myself before leaving the stall.  Fortunately, I have developed enough confidence and skills in my feminine presentation (even in rest rooms) that I do not draw attention to myself.  So, I was in and out quickly, leaving enough time for the other ladies in the queue to take care of their needs. 

 

 

Next, it was off to Waimea Canyon state Park.  After an hour of driving we reached the park - and the views were well worth the time and effort to get there.  Of course, it was time for another bio break. And again, the stall only extended up to shoulder height.  I wasn't comfortable doing my business there, and was glad I was leaving my stall before the next woman entered the place.  So, I went up the "zig-zag" path to both viewing platforms, and I was impressed by the views of the canyon.  Although it was not as colorful as in the picture at the top of this entry, it was still impressive.

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I hate to contrast Waimea Canyon with the Na Pali coast.  However, I couldn't help but think that leaving port to view the coast today was a waste.  No, it was not because the coast isn't magnificent.  Instead, it's because it rained the whole time we cruised along the coast.  The few pictures I took weren't worth the electrons used to record them. This coast is best appreciated in clear weather, like most of the Hawaiian sites.  On this cruise, my enjoyment was marred by bad weather at the Haleakala Crater, Volcanoes National Park, and the Na Pali Coast.  If I can, I'll try to make it back here in the next 5 years or so.  

And now, back to packing as I leave the ship early in the morning....

On Easter, some people must be blind

The above picture was taken on Easter, when I drove an hour to get together with the Fun Time Friends.  The fellow in the picture went out of his way to get another picture taken with me.  I wonder what he sees, and I wonder what's on his mind.  But, if he were to invite me out, I'll politely decline.  I'll make up some story about seeing some gentleman near me that I've known from childhood, and hope that he backs off.

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This is the first time that I've looked into a picture taken by someone else and started to see something resembling a feminine form.  The more I live a good deal of my life as a woman, the more that I'll experience both the good and bad sides of what cisgender women experience every day.  Sometimes, it can be something as simple as having to wait for a restroom stall to free up.  And at other times, it may be something as risky as having to be on a poorly lit street waiting for a bus to come by.  There are so many good and bad scenarios I can think of, that I won't even try to make a list of them here.

One thing I can say when I look at my face in the picture is that this is the face of a confident woman. In a sense, I can understand why the ex girlfriend broke up the relationship - she was afraid of what this path of life would do to me.  When given a choice between courage and fear, I chose courage while she chose fear.  But enough of her already, as I mention her only in passing.

Does the above picture of me show someone who can exude confidence?  I'm not sure, but it is the picture of a person who hasn't yet developed her own style.  Over the past 8 years, I know what I want to look like when I go out the door, and I know what I need to look like to blend in with other women.  Yes, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am in life.  But, in certain ways, I feel better now than I did a decade ago.  (This is not true in all areas of my life.  It is my growth as Marian that is helping to give Mario reasons to have hope.)

As I like to say, when the Easter Bunny brings you some eggs, make sure that you ask:

Chicken Eggs or Cadbury Eggs?

And then act accordingly....

 

A quick note

The above picture is from one of those "you should have been there" moments.  Several years ago, I went to "Burlesque by the Beach" with YGM, and had a great time.  The lady in the picture was doing a pantomime of woman getting dressed while almost naked and the audience was having a great laugh.

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If I could turn back the clock, I'd probably turn it back to a time when YGM was here - and take advantage of the chance to be with this friend more often.  Now that she's in Florida, there's little chance we can get together at will.  That's OK, as she's been doing well down there.  But up here, I miss the days before Covid-19 struck the land.  And when "Normalcy" comes back, my normal will be very different from that I had several years ago.

Soon, I plan to publish a post about a friend who was never able to get out and about as the person she was inside.  She always lived in the shadows.  Even though I lost a lot over the past year or so, at least I had the chance to live as my authentic self.  And I have learned from my past, unlike many people I know.

It takes a lot to be able to withstand the attacks of people who don't understand you.  My friend was unable to do that.  She had to worry about a wife who didn't accept this part of herself, and couldn't break free of her cocoon.  I did.  Yet, I sometimes wonder if this has been worth what I lost in the process.  Given what I know about people, I think the people I lost in the process weren't secure enough in themselves to understand and accept someone like me.  

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Recently, I got a job working as Marian.  Several people I know wondered whether I was working as Mario or as Marian.  The big question is: "Why should it matter?"  I'm the same person no matter how I'm presenting at the moment.  If I were to get a different job, I might take it as Mario. (I know one job opening where I will apply as Mario.  But I'm not saying where for now.)

Looking back at the time I went to the show with YGM, I realized that the performer in the picture was more sure of who she was than most people I know.  One has to have confidence to perform almost naked in front of a group of people.  And she had that.  I wish more of us had the same....