Often, Transgendered Life Can Be Very Mundane - but it takes some time to get there.

 

What is it about being transgender that most of us wish we could have?  The answer to that question is relatively simple: We wish to live our lives and be perceived as the gender in which we identify.  

- - - - - -

Let's say one chooses to live life in the gender opposite to which as one was identified as belonging to at birth.  One would then have to navigate a maze of challenges in order to be accepted in one's "New" identity and not stand out as Transgender:

• Presentation.
  - Dressing appropriately for each situation.
  - Makeup (Where, When, and How Much?)
  - Development of vocal traits appropriate to one's gender.
  - Surgeries (if needed) to live in one's authentic gender
• Social Skills.
  - Learning behaviors appropriate for one's "New" Gender.
  - Learning verbal language skills appropriate to one's "New" Gender.
  - Learning non-verbal language skills (body language) appropriate to one's "New" Gender.
•  Legal Issues.
  - Name changes on legal documents (Birth Certificate, Driver's License, etc.).
  - Financial Arrangements (updated name on bank accounts, insurance policies, etc.)
• Medical Issues.
  - Treatment for body parts part of "New" gender.
  - Treatment for body parts remaining from "Old" gender.
  - Choosing new doctors (as needed)
• Social Life.
  - Building up friendships with others of your "New" gender
  - Development of interests of your "New" gender to share common interests.

The above is not a complete list of these challenges, nor will all of them apply to every transgender person.  For example, many transgender people live in the role of their "New" gender without any intent to undergo Gender Correction Surgeries.  Others may consider this step necessary for their unique journeys. I feel that my journey depended on learning how to speak as a female, and I underwent voice training to help my voice sound more feminine.  

- - - - - -

Often, one has to ask a very important question:

How "Passable" do I need to become? 

This might be the most important question a transgender person needs to ask.  Ideally, I'd like to be able to have Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS), Breast Augmentation, and Hair Restoration (I hate wearing wigs!) When it comes to bottom surgery (a.k.a. Gender Correction Surgery - GCS), I can take it or leave it.  To me, the only benefit from GCS would be the ability to go into a woman's locker room and not have to hide my private parts.  Since I don't go to a gym, it's not a big deal for me.  But this could be a problem for other trans people.

Some trans people do not have a need to pass.  Instead, they simply want to blend in as much as possible, or they don't mind being seen as part of the "Queer Community".  One trans woman I know has no desire to have bottom surgery, as she feels she could lose her ability to have an orgasm.  Her voice still sounds masculine, and the nose on her face is the only visual feature that would identify her as a M2F trans woman.  Yet, she's happy with her presentation.  She participates in local women's groups, and persues her dreams in retirement.

Not all trans people can become "passable".  One trans woman I've met stands 6'6".  The lack of feminine curves combined with her height gives her away as being transgender.  Another trans woman I know still have the physical appearance of being a linebacker.  For these trans women, "Blending In" is the best that they can do.  And, hopefully, this will be enough for these trans women.

The issue of "Passing" is not unique to trans women.  I have also met trans men who are very short, and still have their feminine curves.  At work, one of these trans men (when I was last in contact with him) had to present as a Butch Lesbian at work, instead of being outed as transgender at work.  (He worked in an environment where being a Butch Lesbian did not affect "her" social standing, but being transgender would have caused people to discriminate against him.)

- - - - - -

Eventually, most of us are able to find a new normal in life.  Our existence becomes much more mundane, filled with activities in which cisgender people would be involved.  Their transgender identities become less and less a factor in their lives.   They have navigated through their mazes, and found ways to live within the boundaries of objective reality.  The mundane has finally become a new normal.  And, hopefully, the transgender person can live the full life s/he hoped for with a minimum of hassles.

Often, a mundane life can be boring

 

One thing I have noticed over the past few weeks is that when things are calm and I am living a mundane life, people can find me boring.  Isn't this what most trans people want for their lives?  Excitement and challenges are good and necessary.  But, being calm and relaxed is important too.  Balance is essential for a healthy life.

- - - - - -

When I switched to writing this blog, I lost 2/3's of my readership.  I attribute this loss to not including stories about the life of my former cruise partner and the "Sturm und Drang" in her life.  Yet, that's a good thing.  After undergoing painful feelings of loss and grief, I came out a better person in the end.  I hope she came out better as well.

In the beginning, life for a transgender person can be scary.  First, we have to experiment with being partially out.  Questions like "what will people think?" and "what can happen to me?" come to mind.  We fear our unknowns, and we are often paralyzed by our fears.  Gradually, we start tiptoeing outside and getting used to being seen.  We know our appearance is far from perfect, but we're experimenting with our new social identities.  At this time, we usually work towards having the skills to blend in and not be noticed (at first) as being transgender people.  We are learning who we are and who we want to be by being out in the world.  Yet, our identities are not yet fixed yet.

After a while, we develop confidence in our "new" selves.  We have learned the unwritten language of our authentic gender, and people know us as our authentic identity.  Some of us move forward to medical transition, others stay with legal and social transition, and the rest remain comfortable in gender roles that provide enough flexibility to present as their authentic selves.

- - - - - -

So, do I lead a boring life?  In some ways, yes.  In others, no.  One of my friends says I have the best of both worlds.  But I'm not sure of that.  I can never grow close to my children as a cisgender woman can.  Nor can I take advantage of male privilege in ways I find alien to me.  It's as if I am an immigrant in a new world.  Familiar, yes.  And yet, a little bit strange.  But I wouldn't change things for the world.