Sometimes, I think about what I lost and gained.

 

I haven't played with the above toy in ages, and I don't want to spend the money on a monthly subscription.  Yet, if I were an artist, I'd subscribe in a heartbeat.  And with what I did on this run, I have an idea of what I want if I go for Facial Feminization Surgery sometime in the future.

Why do I bring this up now?

After seeing Amy Schneider on Jeopardy, I can imagine myself living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I have no need to do so. This group of pictures simply reminds me of the options available to me if I really desire them.

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But thinking of what could be also got me into thinking of what I gained and lost over the years.  For example, I gained and lost FCP's friendship.  She was very helpful in allowing me to grow as Marian. But she would likely have held me back from further growth.  I was lucky to stumble into a technology career that kept me well employed for 40 years.  Yet, losing this career due to obsolescence may have been one of the better things to happen to me.  It gave me the time and freedom to develop that part of myself that is Marian.  And even being married, then widowed, taught me that I could love and be loved - something I never would have dreamed of when I was young.

When I was young, I had all the options in the world.  Now, I'm playing out my cards.  With this being said, I appreciate what I have even more than I once did, because of what I've gained and lost through life's experiences.

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One of the transgender people I've met took advantage of her remaining male assets well into her transition - at least, until she had her bottom surgery.  To me, if one has enough gender dysphoria to need full transition, one should be very comfortable living with all the sacrifices one makes to have that transition.  Everyone has to make tradeoffs, and that transgender woman realized what she was losing in order to gain a life as a functioning woman.  I have to give her a lot of credit, as she had vocal surgery in addition to bottom surgery to be the woman she now sees in the mirror.  Another transgender woman has gone in the opposite direction, deciding to keep her "equipment", as she doesn't want to give up the ability to enjoy an orgasm.  These two women are playing out their cards the best way they can, and I wish them the best lives they can lead.

Looking at myself, I have lost potentially good relationships because of who and what I am.  Some of these women had no idea of what they really wanted when meeting me, and stayed around for much longer than they should have done if they had their acts together.  Yet, with romance out of the way, I have developed a better relationship with a couple of women, than had we clicked romantically.  Go figure....

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Life is a matter of tradeoffs, and we all make them.  We gain a lot, and lose a lot from these tradeoffs. I'm hoping that the choices I will be making in the future give me more gains than losses....

I wish I had hips....

 

One of the problems that I have with my body is that I don't have the hips to wear certain garments.  When the above dress was new, I looked OK from the top up.  But my hips left a lot to be desired.  I had no natural curves.  This dress has long since been retired, and yet, I'll always have the same problem as I did several years ago - my hips are not wide enough to meet the proportions of a typical woman of my age and size.

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Over the years, I have learned to dress appropriately for a woman my age.  And that includes wearing more traditionally masculine garments such as trousers.  But I prefer to wear the feminine versions of these garments.  Over time, for example, I have grown to feel much more comfortable carrying a handbag and not looking for items in my pockets.  So it has now become strange for me to wear any garments with pockets, save when I'm in Mario mode.  And, about the only time I've been in Mario mode these days is when I see my internist, my dates, and my family. On these days, the feeling of male garments is noticeably different that what I normally wear during the week.  

The other day, one woman started to ask me about the women in my wife - as if she needed a scorecard to keep them straight.  But then, I am very unusual, as I am a genetic male who finds females more interesting to have as friends than to have as bed partners.  And, if I had my choice, I would have been born as a cisgender female, so that I could partake of the richness of emotional experiences open to women.  This comes at a big price, and no one should forget it.  Females are often ignored because of their gender.  They are bullied (or worse) by males, as they have less body and muscle mass.  And they have all the major headaches of reproduction. Cisgender males have no idea how easy it is for them....

With all that being said, right now, I simply wish I had nice hips, so that my clothes would look better on me.