Sometimes, it can seem overwhelming.

 

Years ago, I used this tool to generate a more feminine version of my face, given the photo on the left. As of today, I'm still far from the surgery which would turn my face into a more androgynous version of the face I see every morning.  But first, I have to lose some weight.

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With that being noted, I try to focus first on the little things I can do now that will show a positive result quickly.  So I have taken this idea and started to apply it around my apartment.  Today, I started to restore the order that I destroyed when I moved media cases out of the way for the installation of my new refrigerator. By taking the CDs out of the storage containers I had temporarily placed them, sorting them back into some sort of order, and putting them back into the media shelves where they belong.  This took the better part of 2 hours, but it was worth every minute, as I gained a square yard in my living room that was formerly used by storage containers.

It'll take a long time for me to get my apartment in the shape I want.  But, by taking the approach of doing a little at a time when I can do something, I'll gradually see results.  If I focus on all the tasks that need to be done, I'll get overwhelmed and nothing will get done.  Soon, when my money supply has been refreshed, I think about more work to be done in my bathroom.  My vanity has seen better years, and I want to install both a new vanity/sink and a new toilet.  (My current toilet is in an ugly shade of yellow, and I want my new one to be in white.)  If I can, I'll ask about new electric wiring, so that I can replace the medicine cabinet (with built in lights and electric outlet) with something that looks nice and meets both my needs and the needs of current electrical code.

Once I'm done with the "easy stuff", it will be time to tackle something more difficult - redoing my kitchen.  I'm tired of 40 y/o linoleum, as well as ugly cabinets, an ugly counter top, and a poor placement of my refrigerator.  Reworking the kitchen layout could allow me to move my oven a little, and replace it with a full sized (30") unit. The only question is when this could take place, as I will not be able to live here while much of this work goes on.

I'll focus on the little things which will make this place more comfortable.  Many of those tasks will involve eliminating the clutter that wastes space.  I'll feel sad to get rid of perfectly good furniture.  But getting rid of things that no longer serve my needs will make life much more comfortable.  And isn't that what everyone should want in old age?

I still play hopscotch across gender lines

Unlike an acquaintance mentioned in a prior post, I have no intention of backsliding on my path to femininity.  Even though the AI generated picture above is only an aspirational goal, it is a good idea of what I'd look like after Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS).  And I want to look like this (as appropriate for my age) at some time in the future.

The big question will always be: How far can I go along my path and have RQS as my companion?  I'd rather stop at a point before she starts feeling uncomfortable than to go too far and lose her.  For me, having companionship at this stage of life is more important than being fully female.  The equipment between my legs is less important than how I present myself to the world.  Additionally, the ability to present myself to the world 24x7 as a female is not as important as having a partner at this stage of life.

So, where does this leave me right now?

Well, I am comfortable crossing gender lines as needed to get things done during the day.  For example, I have to do some tile shopping for repairs being done on my bathroom wall.  This is something best done while I'm in male mode.  Yet, I feel more comfortable in female mode overall.  

Yet, this can get a bit awkward when I need to be in Male mode part of the day, then Female mode for the rest of the day.  For example, I have electricians coming to my apartment several days next week. (I can't move all of the furniture out of the way to get all the needed work done on one visit.)  I'll need to be in male mode these days, then change into female mode after they have gone for the day.

For the most part, everyone in my apartment complex knows that I live a bi-gendered life.  But, I have to be careful which mode I use when I deal with the outside world.  If a mechanic sees me as a woman, they will either treat me as someone who doesn't know much about mechanical things - or worse....  Yet, presenting as a male can be just as awkward in female dominated spaces, such as makeup counters. 

Will this crossing of gender lines ever end?

I don't have a good answer to the above question.  If I didn't have to worry about RQS's feelings, I'd probably move much faster towards living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I'd still want a relationship with my family, and that would likely mean that I would either have to out myself to the rest of the family or find ways to hide it....

What difference a decade makes!

 

I have been traveling as Marian for about a decade and much has changed in my life.  For example, the woman who took this photo is no longer my friend.  My long term career in computing ended, I survived a couple of breakups, and a few people close to me passed away.  But the one thing I have gained is confidence. In this decade, I feel much more confident in my ability to blend in as a female. Often, people don't notice much, save for my size, when they meet me - until I let my guard down.  Over time, I have become more comfortable in telling people that I am transgender, and will do so if someone asks.

- - - - - -

However, I am not completely happy with my current situation.  Recently, I got my ears pierced so that I could wear a greater selection of earrings  But this may not be enough for me.  I have made a promise to RQS that I will keep - no significant body modifications while we are in a relationship.  I will trade progress on my path towards living as a female for the love of a caring woman.

But what can I do that this woman could accept?

Right now, I'm thinking of either getting hair transplants to deal with my male pattern alopecia. Maybe some partial facial feminization surgery after that. And then, I'd want to get my name changed so that my official id would have a picture of me with an androgynous hair style.  This way, people who need to do a casual inspection of my id wouldn't notice much if I were dressed as a male or female.  The big issue is what to do with my chest.  Do I want to deal with having breasts and risk a relationship?  If I were to go to that next step, I'd get "permission" from a partner, as she'd have to live with me and my new "rack".  This and more would be subjects for thought as I get older.

- - - - - -

This path of feminization has been a long one, and I wonder what the next decade will bring me....

 

I'm officially an old geezer - a short post

 

Sooner or later, I'll have to deal with getting old.  No, I'm not trying to avoid being seen as a 65 y/o woman.  Instead, I'll have to deal with long term care plans.  Given my age and health, long term care insurance will be very expensive.  But I will need to have some money held in reserve, so that I can be cared for in my final years.

With that being said, how does this T-Girl want to live?  Do I want to take the next step and get facial electrolysis, removing traces of beard as needed?  (I think so.)  But what about the steps after that?  Can I afford electrolysis on other areas of my body? (I'm not sure.) And further along this path (after losing a lot of weight), what about facial feminization surgery (FFS) on the lower part of my face?  I want my face to look as feminine as possible when out as Marian, but be masculine enough when out as Mario.  An androgynous face would be perfect for me - but I have to get to work on losing weight to do this.

I will always have most of the body shape of a male, even if I go on hormones.  But I have to consider RQS's wishes if I want romance - and I sure do.  Unlike most older women, I'm not in the mood to spend the rest of my life alone.  And I'm not about to risk what I have with RQS to have a future without someone to love....

Before & After - How I would like to look if I could go for Facial Feminization Surgery

 

On her blog, Stana provides a link to a site (Wondershare) that will take a male image and convert it to a  female image using Artificial Intelligence.  The more I look at the image on the right, the more I want to look like that woman.

Just looking at the images, I noticed several things:

• The AI remover the barrette from my hair.
• The AI changed the frames of the glasses I wear.
• The AI gave me a bigger smile.
• The AI narrowed my jaw line.
• The AI gave me a narrower nose.
• The AI gave me a little more fat on my cheeks.
  

There may be more changes that the AI would generate using another picture.  But I was amazed at how good (if not beautiful) it made my face look.

Given what I see above, I now have even more reasons to lose my extra weight, so that when I get excess skin removed from my body, that I can justify partial Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) at that time. Hopefully, by doing only the lower part of my face, I will retain the ability to switch between gender presentations and look authentic in both.  Yet, assuming I am still in a relationship with RQS, I would look to get her OK before taking this next step.

And Damn!  I could get used to seeing the face on the right in my mirror every morning.  Not bad for a 65 y/o gal!!!!

I wish I had a picture of me without glasses.

NCL notified me that I had to check in for my cruise.  Although I was ready and willing to do so, I did not have a picture of me available that was suitable - all of the shots I've saved on this computer in female presentation have me wearing glasses.  So I will need to wait until the next time I'm dressed as Marian before I can take a photo of me without glasses.

Getting all the paperwork in order before a trip is a pain in the ass.  This time, I have to take care of airline check-in procedures in addition to cruise line check-in procedures. Although taking care of things isn't that difficult, more can go wrong and cause me trouble when at the airport or in Hawaii.  So I want to be sure that I have gotten things right before leaving home to go on my cruise.

Right now, I have started to arrange both my carry-on bag and my toiletry kit for my outbound travel. Even though I may not need to take off my shoes or pull out my electronics and liquids (I have trusted traveler status), I still have to follow the rules for passing through a security checkpoint.  In short, I have to be prepared for the random "SSSS" printed on the bottom of my boarding pass, whether or not I am actually subject to special screening. And then, I have to wait to get on the plane. Once I'm finally on the plane, I must be ready to be uncomfortable for the next 12 hours.  I'm lucky that I paid for confirmed seats on the aisle, as I may have a little more room to stretch out now and then. And I won't be disturbing anyone as I get out of my seat to go to the loo.   

When I last contacted Kim (Traveling Transgender), she didn't have much advice for me.  So I will likely need to talk to the TSA agent before going through the security checkpoint and ask for appropriate screening.  After I have successfully done this once, I expect I will have little trouble on the return trip.  (I'll be sure to keep emergency information on hand, lest I get stuck at the airport.)  This will be a new experience for me - Flying Pretty.  Kim has done this many times, and has written about it in her blog.  Sadly, she doesn't write much anymore, as her job now keeps her "down on the farm" much more now than in the past.

If I felt it were right for me at this time, I'd do several things.  First, I'd change my name to use the familiar version of my first name (works for both genders).  Then, I'd get partial FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) to make my face androgynous. And finally, I'd get some electrolysis done to remove my beard, and to eliminate the hairs on my back that I can't shave off by myself.  (If I had the time and money, I'd remove all the hair below the neck, save maybe my pubic hair.  But that's an expensive proposition.)  With these changes, I could get a wig styled in a way that I could go out as a female one day, and then use another wig (a toupee) for use when I want to present as a male.  Then, I could present my ID, and people would be looking at my face, and not the gender marker on the ID.

Compared to many other transgender folk, I still have it good.  I've found that most people don't give a damn about how ugly a female I am, or how fat a male I am when I present in the associated gender.  I have a girlfriend who says she loves me, and I will do what it takes to preserve the relationship - even if I slow down my journey on this transgender path....

 

Thinking of things that were, things that are and things that could be.

The above picture was taken about 3 years ago - just before the beginning of the epidemic.  As much as I thought I had a decent female presentation, I realize that 50 years of testosterone have taken their toll on me.

Turning 65 makes me think that I must start losing weight by cutting back on caloric intake and by being more active. RQS has done so, and it shows.  She could gain a lot by one of the surgeries that FCP had - a skin reduction.  I hope that I can get to that point as well.  But once I do so, I will then consider partial facial feminization surgery (FFS).  According to one TG writer, having FFS on the lower face allows her to be seen as a female while wearing a wig, and as a male when the wig is off.  This is something I'd like to do if possible.

I have no plans to push RQS to accept any more than cosmetic changes to my appearance, save for those changes that make me more healthy.  If I get to the stage where partial FFS is an option for me, she will have a say in how far I go with it - if I go with it at all.  She's too good a person to risk losing for this dream of mine - especially when she is accepting me for who and what I am.

Eventually, RQS and I will need to discuss living arrangements.  But this assumes that we continue to get along as well as we do now.  Whatever place we live in must be near convenient mass transit, must have adequate parking for my car, and be appropriate for two people in their later years.  Most of all, this place must have enough room for 3 wardrobes - RQS's, Mario's and Mine.  Only one problem: Will we be able to find such a place at an affordable price?

Sometimes, I think about what I lost and gained.

 

I haven't played with the above toy in ages, and I don't want to spend the money on a monthly subscription.  Yet, if I were an artist, I'd subscribe in a heartbeat.  And with what I did on this run, I have an idea of what I want if I go for Facial Feminization Surgery sometime in the future.

Why do I bring this up now?

After seeing Amy Schneider on Jeopardy, I can imagine myself living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I have no need to do so. This group of pictures simply reminds me of the options available to me if I really desire them.

- - - - - -

But thinking of what could be also got me into thinking of what I gained and lost over the years.  For example, I gained and lost FCP's friendship.  She was very helpful in allowing me to grow as Marian. But she would likely have held me back from further growth.  I was lucky to stumble into a technology career that kept me well employed for 40 years.  Yet, losing this career due to obsolescence may have been one of the better things to happen to me.  It gave me the time and freedom to develop that part of myself that is Marian.  And even being married, then widowed, taught me that I could love and be loved - something I never would have dreamed of when I was young.

When I was young, I had all the options in the world.  Now, I'm playing out my cards.  With this being said, I appreciate what I have even more than I once did, because of what I've gained and lost through life's experiences.

- - - - - -

One of the transgender people I've met took advantage of her remaining male assets well into her transition - at least, until she had her bottom surgery.  To me, if one has enough gender dysphoria to need full transition, one should be very comfortable living with all the sacrifices one makes to have that transition.  Everyone has to make tradeoffs, and that transgender woman realized what she was losing in order to gain a life as a functioning woman.  I have to give her a lot of credit, as she had vocal surgery in addition to bottom surgery to be the woman she now sees in the mirror.  Another transgender woman has gone in the opposite direction, deciding to keep her "equipment", as she doesn't want to give up the ability to enjoy an orgasm.  These two women are playing out their cards the best way they can, and I wish them the best lives they can lead.

Looking at myself, I have lost potentially good relationships because of who and what I am.  Some of these women had no idea of what they really wanted when meeting me, and stayed around for much longer than they should have done if they had their acts together.  Yet, with romance out of the way, I have developed a better relationship with a couple of women, than had we clicked romantically.  Go figure....

- - - - - -

Life is a matter of tradeoffs, and we all make them.  We gain a lot, and lose a lot from these tradeoffs. I'm hoping that the choices I will be making in the future give me more gains than losses....

Sometimes, I simply don't want to bother being Marian

 

I look terrible in the above picture, don't I?  the way I'm dressed makes it obvious that I am a male trying to dress androgynously.  But that's OK for me, as this was the first time I wore female clothes in public with no one giving me emotional support.  Today, I wasn't even in the mood to go this far in my presentation, as the only place I was heading was to the supermarket.

Not living 24x7 as Marian, I have the option of going out as Mario.  Given that it was already 7:00 pm when I took my daily shower, there was no way I was going to be able to go out as Marian and still make it to the supermarket on time.  So I got dressed as Mario and ran over to the Stop & Shop nearby to pick up fixings for dinner.  

If I were living 24x7 as Marian, there are so many things that would be different.  For example, I'd have lost 100 pounds off my frame, and then have gotten some facial surgery to make my face more androgynous.  I might have also spent money on a tracheal shave, as well as electrolysis to remove the remainder of my facial hair.  If possible, I'd have gotten some hair transplants to make it possible to spend time en-femme without needing to wear a wig,  Until I can do this, I have to make a decision every time I go out my door - do I want to be Mario or Marian?  And today, Mario won out....

Working as a woman

This picture was taken shortly before the pandemic.  The lady in the picture was one of my closest friends at the office.  And now, she's in the process of moving into the smaller apartment of her two family house. Her (and her husband's) dream is to live the RV life, pulling up stakes, and travel where and when they want.  Hopefully, they will be able to do it.

- - - - - -

Going in to the office as a woman was hard at first, when everyone in the office knew I was transgender.  There was no way to hide this fact, as all my correspondence had my male name on it.  Over time, I was accepted as just one of the girls - if not a vary large one.

It still feels a little strange to put on make up every day before leaving for the office.  If I were to have FFS, I would have an easier job of appearing as a female without makeup.  That will only happen if I were to decide to go full time.  By then, I'll have had to have lost about of a third of my body mass before doing this.  And that kind of weight loss will be a great effort for someone who has over eaten for all of his/her life.

- - - - - -

I figure that it'll be much harder for me to get my next job working as a female because of the now high unemployment rate. But I may just float a few resumes out there to see whether I get any bites.  If I do, I'll go to the interview and hope for the best.