Forgetfulness

Retirement has done a lot to my memories for things on my schedule.  Unless something is very important to me, I seem to be retaining less and less of "trivial" matters.  For example, the president of my co-op was going in for surgery.  Although I remembered this fact, what she was going in to the hospital for completely slipped out of my mind.  As soon as it came up in conversation, the memory was easy to retrieve.  Yet, I'm bothered by this age related change in affairs.

In the past, I had a photographic memory.  I could read a computer program, and then identify a single one of the hundreds of pages of code where the bug was likely to be found.  Today, I can not absorb as much knowledge as I did in my 20's.  To make things worse, without a regular routine, I am more likely to forget semi-regularly scheduled events for which I've committed myself.  And I have been very embarassed when this has happened.

The other day, I went in for a periodic doctor's appointment, and mentioned that the one thing I am afraid of most is memory loss.  My grandmother (on my father's side) had dementia, and my aunt (not a blood relative) suffers from a form of dementia as well.  I don't think that my doctor really understands my fears in this area, as I have no one to take care of my affairs when I am unable to do so, as I don't have children who'd have an interest in doing so.

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Today, I read a NY Times article about a family who shared a genetic mutation for Fronto-Temporal Dementia.(FTD). It's sad when one knows that they have a 50/50 chance of losing one's ability to take care of one's self, to lose family because of this ailment, and to be isolated from everything worthwhile in life. Even though this is a genetic disease, many in the family wanted to live in denial.  I might have wanted to do the same.  But then, who knows?

There are so many moral issues imposed by others in the names of their faiths that get in the way of preventing diseases caused by genetic traits.  What if we could isolate sperm and eggs carrying these mutations before conception, and prevent the mutations from being carried on to future generations?  Imagine what would happen if Sickle Cell, Tay-Sachs, Hemophilia, and other genetic carried diseases were preventable.  Yet, organizations such as the Catholic Church are against "Test Tube Babies". I certainly don't think that Louise Brown would be upset that her parents used IVF to conceive her, although I think there are quite a few priests who would consider her birth an abomination.  In the case of the family with the FTD mutation, IVF with implantation of FTD-Free embryos (or aborting the fetuses with the mutation) would eliminate this disease from their blood line.  Wouldn't this be more humane than the heartbreak and suffering that will occur when this mutation is passed on to future generations.

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So, I go back to myself....

I don't know what I will do if I am ever given a diagnosis of early stage dementia.  But I think I will try to be like the main characters in the movie "The Bucket List" and enjoy as many valuable experiences as I can while able to enjoy them.

Persistance in memory

 

Many of us have phone numbers in our heads that we will never forget. A number like 212-PE6-5000 will never be forgotten, as this was the oldest continually used business number in New York City.  In my case, other numbers often come to mind, such as the phone number of the church I attended as a child. Recently, a number from the past started coming up, and I couldn't be sure of why I knew the number.  So I did a reverse lookup on the number, and I found that it was the phone number used by the company my wife used to work for - over a quarter of a century ago.  Even though the firm has moved out of its original area code region, they have kept this number so that long standing customers could easily reach them in their "new" digs.

This got me to thinking: What causes us to retrieve fragments of memories from "archival storage" and bring them into "working storage", and yet not be usable for much?  In my case, I think it was an unplanned visit to a restaurant with my late wife's name that triggered recall of her former corporation's phone number.  This number was the one I'd call during lunch hours, as it was the only one that would be answered by a human in this period. So, combined with a "successful" first date with a new lady, my subconscious mind may have been trying to signal its comfort with the new lady.  Only a good shrink can say for sure....

There are so many things we file away in our memories, never (or very rarely) to be used again. For example, the phone number of the church I once attended brings back memories of their property before a medical office building was constructed on their former parking lot.  My wife's corporate number brings back memories of her and that of the buildings that made up the factory where she worked.  (She was part of office administration, but had to deal with all the headaches of NOT being part of the family that ran the business.)  Yet, not all phone numbers are easily retrievable for me.  For example, I can't remember any of the office numbers I used at work.  Yet, I can easily recall the number of my tax preparer, a number which I would only use once or twice each year.

So what makes some memories retrievable and what prevents them from being retrievable.  In my case, I think it is the importance the people connected to that number mean to me.  I can not remember the land line number of my late wife's old apartment, as she moved into my place shortly after we met. Yet, I can remember her office number, as I was calling that number once or twice each day while she was at work.  In the case of the church's phone number, I could use it to reach my mom while she worked at the church.

Sadly, I think that 212-PE6-5000 will never be as useful as it was in its heyday.  As for the other numbers, all they do is bring back old memories.

It's amazing how little information I retain these days.

The title of today's entry is misleading, as it leaves out the context of how one memorizes things.  In my case, I have driven to a particular town in Jersey many times, and I could get there very easily from TCL's house.  However, since MWL takes a different way to the same town via back roads, I can't seem to remember the route because I'm not driving the route.

In the past, I didn't need to develop a form of mental muscle memory for routes from one town to another.  Now, I have to drive them a couple of times to pick up on the details my subconscious needs to know to do the route by myself.  This makes me worry a little about whether my memory is starting to betray me.  But I'm remembering enough things to make me realize that things are normal for a person my age, and that it'll take much more for me to be at risk for major or rapid cognitive decline.

There's a part of me that wishes I could selectively forget things.  Yet, in many ways, I'm glad I can't forget some things.  Forgetting things makes it possible to make the same mistakes again.  And I don't want that.  When I started going out as Marian, I needed encouragement and help to continue doing so.  For this, I will take a former friend for being there when I needed her.  Although there was one person who said I should be proud of what I accomplished, I feel sad that this person couldn't accept me for the person I became.  These are the types of memories I'd like to forget.

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Yet, I ask myself: "What would happen if I go further down this path?"  Would I want to forget more of my past, and manufacture a new one for public consumption?  That I will never know. All I can say that I wish I had a roadmap for the future.  And this doesn't exist yet.