By the time I got to try it on, it was sold out.

 

I was trying to find this dress at Lane Bryant, so that I could try it on and make a decision whether to buy it or not. Although the blue dress is in stock, the dress above is not.  This means that I may end up buying a different dress from Avenue in a similar color, or buy this dress in a different color.

It's just as well that they didn't have this dress in stock.  If it had been, I might have bought it on an impulse.  Over a quarter century since my late wife died, I understand the allure of shopping for new clothes.  It's fun to decorate yourself in new ways - something most men do not understand.  Although I can say no to most impulse purchases, there are a few items that shout "Buy Me!" that are very hard to resist.  And I've been lucky NOT to fall prey to too many of these purchase opportunities.

Given that my closets are overflowing with clothes, I think I got lucky in NOT being able to buy this dress....

- - - - - -

On other matters, the son of someone I know just earned his medical degree.  Congratulations!   Too bad that I will forever be on the outs with his mom.  Yet, when I was coming home from the store tonight, I asked myself - what did I like about this woman?  And the one answer that came up was that I thought that she accepted me as I am.  Yes, I ruined our friendship.  But in her angry attacks over the past 2 1/2 years, I found out what she really thought of me.  We didn't have that much in common.  But I liked her anyway.

- - - - - - 

Going to Lane Bryant, I had an hour long chat with TCL.  Towards the end, I told her of a conversation I had with FH, documented in a prior entry.  TCL agrees with me about FH - and I didn't even tell TCL who I was talking about.  Sadly for FH, she will never understand why I didn't jump at the opportunity to be her "Plus 1" for a wedding she's attending next weekend.  I can't imagine having to get dressed up to go to a party where I know no one but my partner and put my relationship with RQS at risk.

Thinking of RQS, I mentioned our minor problems in Washington, DC.  TCL realized that we passed an early test of whether a relationship is good or not.  We were able to deal with a situation of moderate stress and work together well to resolve a problem.  I still keep my fingers crossed each time we may encounter another situation that could cause us some grief.  Hopefully, we'll keep passing these tests as time goes on....

It's amazing how little information I retain these days.

The title of today's entry is misleading, as it leaves out the context of how one memorizes things.  In my case, I have driven to a particular town in Jersey many times, and I could get there very easily from TCL's house.  However, since MWL takes a different way to the same town via back roads, I can't seem to remember the route because I'm not driving the route.

In the past, I didn't need to develop a form of mental muscle memory for routes from one town to another.  Now, I have to drive them a couple of times to pick up on the details my subconscious needs to know to do the route by myself.  This makes me worry a little about whether my memory is starting to betray me.  But I'm remembering enough things to make me realize that things are normal for a person my age, and that it'll take much more for me to be at risk for major or rapid cognitive decline.

There's a part of me that wishes I could selectively forget things.  Yet, in many ways, I'm glad I can't forget some things.  Forgetting things makes it possible to make the same mistakes again.  And I don't want that.  When I started going out as Marian, I needed encouragement and help to continue doing so.  For this, I will take a former friend for being there when I needed her.  Although there was one person who said I should be proud of what I accomplished, I feel sad that this person couldn't accept me for the person I became.  These are the types of memories I'd like to forget.

- - - - - -

Yet, I ask myself: "What would happen if I go further down this path?"  Would I want to forget more of my past, and manufacture a new one for public consumption?  That I will never know. All I can say that I wish I had a roadmap for the future.  And this doesn't exist yet.

 

It's hard to keep up with my friends and family, but....

 

Ever since I've been "post retirement" working, I'm finding it impossible to get together with many of the people I'd like to be with.  Last year, it was the pandemic.  This year, it's been work exhaustion.  What will it be next year?

What I find strange is that the older I get, the harder it is to meet with people.  Some of the people I know are dying off.  Some are moving away to retirement residences (in low tax states).  Then, some are taking care of others, and not able to get out to do things for themselves.  In short, everyone has a life, and we're all trying to make as productive use of our time as possible.

- - - - - -

Recently, I got together with FH after several weeks of looking for a time we could get together.  We had a nice day talking about life and catching up on things.  Of course, I wasn't going to screw up a day with MWL to spend a Saturday with her.  Vicki #2 is impossible to meet up with these days, as she has important family problems of her own that she's dealing with.  And I haven't seen my brother in what seems like ages.  We all have responsibilities that we have to manage, and I respect my family, friends, and acquaintances for doing just this.

The other day, I found out that a cruise I was thinking of taking was sold out. As a result, I realize that I now have an opportunity to see some people I haven't seen in years.  The first is a transwoman I know who has cancer.  I know her through a woman who once was a close friend.  If I see this transwoman, it will have to be soon, as I know what cancer can do to a person.  In better times, I'd offer a seat to this former friend on my trip. It's doubtful that the two of us could be civil long enough to visit my acquaintance - so I will not even suggest it. (Neither of us were pleased by our last communication, and I don't want a repeat of this incident.)  Since it doesn't make sense to gamble on being in this city just for the sake of visiting this acquaintance, I'll make sure that I'll visit the usual tourist spots and get together with someone I met on one of my cruises.  The second person I'd meet is a train buff who reads this blog.  It'd be nice to catch up with her in Baltimore when I finally get to visit the B&O Railroad museum.  If I was lucky on this part of the trip, I'd also get to meet a transwoman (and her wife) who I haven't seen since my only trip to Fantasia Fair.

- - - - - -

Several people I know have moved to Florida over the years.  I am not in a rush to go there.  But when I do, I will try to visit them.  Yet, assuming I do, I will need to make sure that my trans identity doesn't get in the way of doing things.  It'd be nice to see YGM again....

- - - - - -

Years ago, my wife and I went to the wedding of the daughter of my late uncle once removed.  (That is, my grandmother's brother's daughter, my cousin once removed.)  I don't remember much about that day, save that we didn't get to the church on time.  Since then, her dad, then her mom passed away.  My brother and I talked about going to visit her, but never did.  Hopefully, I will get the chance to see her soon.

 

 

 

An acquaintance has cancer.

 

The following is from an acquaintance in our TG community that I only had the pleasure of meeting once....

Ok so I guess it’s finally time to tell the whole story.

 

Let’s get the big thing out of the way first: About two and a half weeks ago, I found out that I have stage 3 lung cancer. That means it’s treatable. Stage 4 means get your affairs in order and say your last goodbyes. I’m hoping I get through this but really who knows?

 

What it means in the immediate practical sense is that my new full-time job is seeing doctors, I mean like basically daily. It also means I have very little income. Not a great combo as you can imagine. To top that off, I managed to blow out my voice last week so talking on the phone isn’t easy, bordering on the near-impossible. It’s starting to come back but soooo slowly. 

 

I’m fortunate enough to qualify for some social programs but juggling all the appointments isn’t easy. On top of all that, I thought I’d lost my debit card so I ordered a new one, and am now waiting for a replacement. While I wait, I can only pay for things with PayPal. Also not easy.

 

In some ways, I’m lucky. I have good friends who check up on me to make sure their friend is not only still alive but not cracking under all the pressure, which I’ve come much too close to more times than I’d like recently. The people at the hospital and my regular doc and therapist have been wonderful and an incredible help in helping me learn what I need to know to deal with all this. 

 

It’s so hard, and thus far I’m not doing that great a job of it. Sometimes, it gets a bit overwhelming, and if you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve seen what I’m like when that happens. 

 

The truth is that I still don’t know how to deal with all this, though I am learning. Today was my first and I’m told the worst day of radiation treatment. Chemotherapy begins Wednesday. That’s gonna suck.

 

I’m not exactly living on Xanax but I am taking it more than I used to, to a point where I’m becoming a little concerned about becoming dependent. I know I won’t OD. I know this drug backward and forward. I do, however have an addictive personality and was a pill popper back in my punk days. I use Xanax when I need it. It just seems like I’m needing it a little too often right now.

 

It’s just not a good time for me right now. The treatment will be six weeks, five days a week. Like I said literally a full-time job. I can’t shake the feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better, and I’m not even sure they’re going to get better. To merely say it’s fucking scary would be putting it mildly.

 

Now that my closest friends and family know, I figured it was time to tell everyone else, you, my extended family. I have no idea how this is going to shake out, other than I’m going to do my best to try to keep my shit together and get through this somehow. 

 

I know what comes next and yet I don’t. This is hard.

 

This acquaintance showed me that if one has a will, she can find doctors who will perform her Gender Confirmation Surgeries at a low price. She suffered a lot of discrimination because she is transgender.  Her personal style may have isolated her from some of her family - our mutual connection mentioned that this acquaintance didn't keep up with her correspondences.  (This forum is not the place to discuss that issue.)  But I will say that our mutual connection seemed thankful that I forwarded this message on to her.

 

I would have liked to know this person better before she moved away from the NYC area.  Hopefully, she will recover, and be a stronger person on the other side of this adversity.  Until I know more, my thoughts and prayers are with her....

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

                   

I found out that someone reads my blog on occasion

 

 

  

Ever have someone pop back into your life, pull their typical nasty shit then pop out again? Boy, it seriously makes me want to play wack-a-mole. 

- - - - - -

But seriously....

Recently, in response to one of my posts, a former friend wrote a nasty comment which I will not display here.  Any mention of her that I have made in this blog does not mention her name, show her picture (with a discernible face), or say anything about her personal life.  I will freely admit that I talked a little too much in the past about things that shouldn't have been mentioned. So, do I erase her existence from my past?  To answer my own question, I will not erase the fact that she existed, but I will reference the past if only to note my mistakes in life - especially regarding her.  And if she doesn't like it, she can send an email directly to me to tell me what objections she has. If her complaint is reasonable to me, I will perform some edits to the blog. Although we will never be friends again, I will do this as a courtesy, and nothing more than that.

In regard to another person, I felt that any mention of a dispute that we had was fair game, as long as I stated things from my point of view.  At least, with this person in this blog, there is no mention of her name, no showing of her picture, no identification of her business.  But I was asked not to talk about our conversation in this forum, and I complied for reasons I will not discuss here..  (This may be the only time I reference the discussion here - for obvious reasons.) 

- - - - - -

Today, I went to the office knowing that I'd be directly hired by the firm to do the job I'm already doing through an agency.  I would now become a direct employee, eligible for benefits.   But to do this, I'd have to show my male ID in a place where I've always presented as female.  So, I went into the office with an almost unnoticeable nervousness (if you could even call it that) regarding the unknown.  But I needn't have had any concerns - I was treated professionally by the lady in HR.  

As I get older, the more I find that people in the Northeast will generally treat a transgender person with respect, as long as that person exudes a sense of self confidence.  Yes, your mileage will vary, as old commercials used to say. But a smile at the right person, a kindly word at the right time, and a helpful gesture can go a long way towards being accepted.

A while back, I met another trans person at the LGBT center in White Plains.  This person came up to me and said I was an inspiration that helped this person with the first stages of transition.  (I avoid citing gender here, as I don't remember which direction of transition this person was on.)   At least, I can say that I made a positive contribution to one person's life.

- - - - - -

But I still wonder. Is there anyone else that I inspire?

 

There's a part of me that wants to write an email

 

Today, I arranged to meet someone (as a friend, not a date) in the area that my ex girlfriend lives.  We decided to go for a walk on the nearby rail trail, and I'm hoping it's cool enough for me to be walking in Marian mode.

If things had worked in the way we could have stayed friends, I'd have found a way to stop by and say hello to the ex. But this did not happen.  Instead, there's a part of me that thought I could twist the knife a little and tell her that I was in the area and not wanting to bother with someone who was no longer a friend.  However, I thought better of it - why bother dealing with someone whose memory no longer has any value to you?

Thinking a little bit more, I would have a big laugh if we were to encounter my ex on the rail trail.  Of course, I'd have to ask my new friend to play it up a little - as I would want for her to see that someone in better shape than she is could find a transgender person like me interesting enough to date.

What do you think of this?

 

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

- - - - - -

I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

- - - - - -

This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

- - - - - -

As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life. 

My day started with a chat while listening to Perry Mason

The one routine I try to keep every morning is to turn the TV to an "Oldies TV Station" and watch Perry Mason.  Occasionally, I'll sit at my computer desk and read my email wile the show is playing.  But I try to never get into a conversation while the show is on - it's a moment of sanity in the insane world I have to deal with.

- - - - - -

This morning, I was responding to email and messages while the show was on. And I got into an online chat with a friend while "my show" was playing.  I was not yet awake enough to chat on the phone, so I deferred the chat until later on.  And then, I went back to bed and rested for a while.Later on, I got moving and had a bite to eat.  Part of me wishes I didn't, as my scale says that I've gained a bit of weight since Thanksgiving and that I must get back in the habit of eating normally.

In the online chat, the subject of my former cruise partner (FCP) came up.  I mentioned that the main reason I cut off all communication with her was that I do not like being ordered to do things, and that she was trying to order me around as if I were her child.  You might recall (from my previous blog) that I got annoyed when she started to tell me how to cut a piece of steak. Well, I grew up in a household where my mother knew no limits of privacy nor where her limits of control were.  It is no coincidence that I moved over an hour away from my parents.  Unlike my brother, I never had to endure any unannounced visits from my parents, nor did I have to worry about my mother going into my closets, cabinets, or drawers when I was not around.  FCP pushed my buttons, and when she went too far, I knew that I would never go on another cruise with her again.

- - - - - -

I got delayed in doing laundry this afternoon, as I got into a conversation with our co-op's superintendent.  He's a good fellow, and we found out that some information regarding his employment wasn't transferred to the new managing agent from the old agent.  This put the co-op in an awkward situation, as we were not aware of this issue before our end-of-year meeting.  So we will be addressing this issue next month, in order to resolve the issue in an appropriate manner.

Once my laundry was done, I drove to Beacon for the dining meetup.  I was 15 minutes late, and was not able to sit with the main group of people.  Instead, I ended up sitting with one lady, her husband, and a couple of their friends.  This was the first time I got the chance to speak to this lady without her brother being around, as well as the first time I've gotten the chance to speak with this woman's husband.  It might have been fortunate circumstance that I arrived at the restaurant a little late after all.

- - - - - -

On the way home, I stopped at Walmart to find some sweats for my dad.  Unfortunately, the Fishkill store was sold out of everything near my dad's size.  So I may have to order some sweats online and hope they get here before Xmas....