I now wish I hadn't booked an upcoming cruise

 

Before anyone gets any wrong ideas, I am still looking forward to my cruise.  But the conditions which made me select this cruise at this time have changed, and I would have preferred to be taking a different cruise with RQS later in the year.

But first....

My uncle passed away last night.  After 91 years on this planet, it was time for his soul to depart his body and travel into the unknown - whatever that might be.  He lived a long and successful life, having won more than one industry awards in a highly competitive and visible industry.  (Let's just say that you might have seen him win one of his awards 50 years ago, or so.)  He was always there for his family when he was needed, and I'll always be grateful for the assistance he offered when my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Last year, I chose to take a California Coastal Cruise, as a fallback if my uncle wasn't up to being visited.  Sadly, he had severely damaged his hip the autumn before, and it never healed enough to allow him to walk again.  (He fell trying to take care of a wife who was suffering with dementia, when his wife should have already been placed into a care home.)  When we visited Los Angeles last June, he had just been told that he'd never walk again.  With everything going on in his life at that time, I made it a point to try and visit him again while he was still above ground.  Today, I got the news that I was about a week or two too late.

Right now, the person in charge of my uncle's affairs has not made any arrangements for my uncle's memorial service/gathering.  I likely will not be able to attend this service if held before mid May, as my prior commitments preclude making any trips.  And, even if I could attend, I will not know any of the people who would be attending this service/gathering, as they are all industry insiders.

At least, there is one good thing to come out of all of this.  I will not need to bring along any male garments for my upcoming trip. (I'm sure that my uncle would have found a way to write a humorous story about this if he wasn't the person in the casket....)

Forgetfulness

 

One thing many seniors notice as we age is that we have a harder time recalling things.  I fear extreme memory loss, as I would lose many of the emotional skills I've developed since I was middle aged.  

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We all have times where a word takes time to come to mind, where other mental pathways need to be used to access the right word to communicate an idea. As we get older, many of us get up and forget for a minute why we did so.  Given that people close to me have suffered with dementia, I can say that is one of my least favorite ways that I could progress to meeting my maker.

So, what does this have to do with being transgender?

Well, if I go too much further down my path, I could be in a situation where my body doesn't match what mind tells me I am at the current moment.  In the extreme case, I could see a totally feminized version of me thinking I was male, only because that is how I identified while younger.  That would be a form of hell for me and the people who would take care of me.

These are the type of thoughts that slow me in my path towards femininity.  If I were in my 20's with years to reprogram my mind, I wouldn't worry much.  However, I am in my mid 60's, and realize how important mental imprints are when a person ages.  In senility, the oldest memories are the ones that go last.  And this is what can keep me up at night.

Forgetfulness

Retirement has done a lot to my memories for things on my schedule.  Unless something is very important to me, I seem to be retaining less and less of "trivial" matters.  For example, the president of my co-op was going in for surgery.  Although I remembered this fact, what she was going in to the hospital for completely slipped out of my mind.  As soon as it came up in conversation, the memory was easy to retrieve.  Yet, I'm bothered by this age related change in affairs.

In the past, I had a photographic memory.  I could read a computer program, and then identify a single one of the hundreds of pages of code where the bug was likely to be found.  Today, I can not absorb as much knowledge as I did in my 20's.  To make things worse, without a regular routine, I am more likely to forget semi-regularly scheduled events for which I've committed myself.  And I have been very embarassed when this has happened.

The other day, I went in for a periodic doctor's appointment, and mentioned that the one thing I am afraid of most is memory loss.  My grandmother (on my father's side) had dementia, and my aunt (not a blood relative) suffers from a form of dementia as well.  I don't think that my doctor really understands my fears in this area, as I have no one to take care of my affairs when I am unable to do so, as I don't have children who'd have an interest in doing so.

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Today, I read a NY Times article about a family who shared a genetic mutation for Fronto-Temporal Dementia.(FTD). It's sad when one knows that they have a 50/50 chance of losing one's ability to take care of one's self, to lose family because of this ailment, and to be isolated from everything worthwhile in life. Even though this is a genetic disease, many in the family wanted to live in denial.  I might have wanted to do the same.  But then, who knows?

There are so many moral issues imposed by others in the names of their faiths that get in the way of preventing diseases caused by genetic traits.  What if we could isolate sperm and eggs carrying these mutations before conception, and prevent the mutations from being carried on to future generations?  Imagine what would happen if Sickle Cell, Tay-Sachs, Hemophilia, and other genetic carried diseases were preventable.  Yet, organizations such as the Catholic Church are against "Test Tube Babies". I certainly don't think that Louise Brown would be upset that her parents used IVF to conceive her, although I think there are quite a few priests who would consider her birth an abomination.  In the case of the family with the FTD mutation, IVF with implantation of FTD-Free embryos (or aborting the fetuses with the mutation) would eliminate this disease from their blood line.  Wouldn't this be more humane than the heartbreak and suffering that will occur when this mutation is passed on to future generations.

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So, I go back to myself....

I don't know what I will do if I am ever given a diagnosis of early stage dementia.  But I think I will try to be like the main characters in the movie "The Bucket List" and enjoy as many valuable experiences as I can while able to enjoy them.

Seeing friends in person and via zoom.

 

The above picture has nothing much to do with today's theme.  But it has all to do with people supporting each other.  And that is what I'll discuss today.

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I had only two things on my docket (save for postponable things such as laundry).  First was having an early dinner with my friend, AR.  And then, a Zoom meeting with my friends Stephanie and Jen from Texas. But this is not how my day started.

Sometime in the morning, my aunt called me from California.  Since I know that she's suffering from dementia, I also know that the conversation would be short.  In our short chat, I found out that she still remembers who I am, but is not able to make much of a conversation.  All she could do was to say that she's coming to New York soon - something I know isn't true.  The call ended, and I realized that she has the cell phone that my uncle used to call me in Hawaii.  Instead of trying to reach my uncle, I decided to text my brother and see if he has an alternate number for my uncle on which I could reach him.  Unfortunately, my brother didn't call back, due to him being up to his eyeballs in projects.

Next, I decided to clear out many of the kitchen tools I don't use, and empty a gadget drawer.  Although I didn't clean out that much, I made more of a dent in the mess than I would have expected.  By the time I was done, I was ready to get showered and dressed - as Marian.  Since the weather outside was cold, I decided to wear a nice dress and leggings outfit which would be prefect for the day.  

I was out the door by 5 pm, and met AR at the Italian restaurant in town.  Yum!  We had a nice leisurely meal, and I had enough leftovers for a second meal.  (Too bad that I left it in my car - it'll probably be unsafe to eat when I get back to the car.)  AR knows me only as Marian, so I code switched all of my experiences to that of a female, talking about RQS as if she were a he.

Next, it was back home to chat with my friends Stephanie and Jen.  This was our first chat since I was "Out" to them as transgender, and the chat flowed as it usually does.  They are both interested in meeting me and RQS in Chicago, and we have a weekend date to plan for - as soon as RQS's taxes are done.  All too quickly, the chat had to end - we were all tired and talked out.

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Hopefully, my Chicago trip will come off as discussed.  It'll be nice to see these friends in person for a change....

I thought an apartment was empty...

 

You'll notice how empty this parking lot seems to be.  Over the years, it has gone from being overcrowded to having enough room for visitors to find parking at any time of night.  There is an ebb and flow to life in a co-op complex, and I've seen it all - or, so I've thought....

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When I moved into my apartment, there was a mother and daughter living in a 2br apartment in the next doorway over from me. They were a nice family unit when I met them, and in general conversation, I found out that the daughter had health issues that kept her at home. However, things changed for the worse over the years....

Shortly after I married my wife, we applied for and got a "double spot" assigned to us.  We'd arrange our cars so that she blocked my exit from my spot each night.  This would enable her to get out in the morning and go to work without disturbing me.  The mother/daughter combination had two identical cars parked in their spots, and rarely moved them.  Even in heavy snowfalls, they would not move their cars.  This was the first sign that something was wrong.

Over the years, there were many signs that bothered me (and others).  For example, both mother and daughter would call me because they were lonely.  In one case, the mother left a 10 minute message on my answering machine saying that she had a question to ask of me.  My machine ran out of tape with her meandering  before she could ask me the question she claimed she wanted to ask.   Another time, their new car (1 new car replaced their 2 old cars) was parked with a rear window open, and it was left that way for several weeks.  Later on, the car was left in a parking spot where a storm caused a tree to fall over the car - and they did nothing.  Eventually, the car had to be towed away, as they were no longer able to drive it.  But this is not all.  Several times, the fire department had to pay a visit to their apartment because of several fire hazards detectable from the outside.  One of these times had cooking gas escaping their apartment because the pilot light went out and they couldn't smell the gas.  Another one of these times had their air conditioner overheating due to an electrical fault, and almost causing a fire in my building.  The last time I saw the mother, she seemed to be in the middle stages of dementia, and unable to take care of herself.  Yet, adult protective services could do very little, as the mother was still barely competent enough to be allowed to live on her own.  (At this time, I felt that she needed to be in assisted living, but no one would put her there.) 

Recently, I found out that the mother had died and that the daughter is still living in the apartment.  I was very surprised, as there are never any lights on in either of the two bedrooms, and that there are no shades or blinds on these windows.  My neighbor L told me that "meals on wheels" is delivering food to the daughter, and that she is nuking the food in the one appliance she is capable of using - a microwave. Luckily for L, she is too busy with work to get sucked into the daughter's problems.....

As for me, I wish the daughter was in assisted living as well.  This would mean that the apartment would be sold and that the co-op could receive a "flip tax" on its sale....