Car Shopping - Weekend #4

Knowing me, I'd buy the above car again if it were available.  No, it's not practical by today's standards.  But it was fun to drive and a great first car.  Those days are long gone, and I have to think about what I need in a car, as I'll be using it for a long time.

Right now, my choices are a toss-up between the Honda HR-V and the Subaru Crosstrek.  Although I could see myself in the Mazda CX-30, I've ruled out that car due to the sparse dealer network in Westchester county.  (One of those dealerships ignored me when I visited, and I don't want to schlep to lower county for service.)  Surprisingly, I am leaning towards the Subaru, only because it was the one car in which I didn't bump my head getting into the car.

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Car shopping is a pain in the ass. Dealers want to haggle, as they know that customers do not know the true value of cars, nor do they have the tools/skills to strike good bargains with the dealerships.  As a result, most people would rather have a root canal than shop for a car.  I have found that when one is able to use emails to prod dealers' internet sales people to supply prices, they will do so - especially when one stands firm and refuses to come into the dealership and haggle with a professional haggler.

A couple of years ago, we were in the middle of the pandemic, and dealers could name the prices they wanted to make a deal.  It was easy for them to lie, adding fake line items such as "****** Complete" (thieving dealer name left out to avoid libel) to add $1000 profit to an MSRP deal.  Today, there is a surplus of cars on dealer lots (such as in the Yonkers lot of the dealer that ignored us).  So they are much more willing to make deals if (and only if) the potential customer controls how much information is given to the sales person at the dealership.

So, what information MUST you keep away from the salesman, and what information should you supply?  I've been going by these rules this time around:

• Do your research before going to any dealer for a test drive, so that you can specifically state which car model/trim level/options you want to test drive.  (Trim levels do not mean much in most test drives.)
• Do identify similar models/trim levels/options from other car brands, so that you can test drive those cars as well.
• Do ask for an "Out the Door" price for the desired vehicle with all costs itemized.  This should cover the car, all charges, documentation fees and registration fees for the car.
• Do NOT tell the salesman your budget for the car.  
• Do NOT tell the salesman how much you plan to pay for a car on a monthly basis.
  
• Do NOT tell the salesman whether you will finance the car or not.
• Do NOT tell the salesman whether you want to trade in a car or not.
• Do NOT tell the salesman what it would take for you to buy a car right away if asked.

Giving the salesman any information from the "Do NOT's" above will give him tools he needs to work a deal to extract as much profit for the dealership as possible, leaving less money in your pocket at the end of the day.  Ideally, one avoids salesmen altogether, as they are experts in reading body language. Thus, my preference for using emails as negotiating tools.

Will I get the car I want at the best possible price?  Who knows?  But I'm doing better this time around in getting a price I want....

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

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All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?