Things are starting to get serious

 

Have you ever read the passage from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that reads:

 The time has come,' the Walrus said,
      To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
      Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
      And whether pigs have wings.

Well, to some degree my life has been like that as of late, as RQS and I have discussed the subject of me being transgender.  And I've let her know (in no uncertain terms) that I will not make any body changes that would get in the way of our romance.  But this sounds much more serious than the conversation we had. 

One of the things we can laugh about is my preference for presenting as a female and enjoying as much of my life as possible as one.  She is comfortable going to restaurants with me this way, as she sees the same person when I present as a male and when I present as a female.    RQS enjoys going shopping with me in female mode, as it is another activity we can share with each other.  But there is more to this relationship than laughter.  We seem to be able to read each other's mind at times.  Even with incomplete information, we seem to understand what the other is trying to say.  And, even more importantly, she is comfortable raising troublesome topics with me before they become major irritants.

Neither of us are sure of what our long term living arrangements will be.  But we are comfortable talking about arrangements for travel that will take place a year from now.  This feels much better than the relationship I had with XGFJ, as we both assume that we have a future together - and talk about it. It's a damned shame that I had to through the hell I experienced 3 years ago to get where I am now....

It's amazing how 3 years of time changed things.

 

It's hard to believe that it's been 3 years since XGFJ broke up with me. Unlike FCP, XGFJ is not angry with me, and this is a good thing.  Although FCP was at the wedding of XGFJ's son, this friendship was not meant to last long.  They only thing they had in common was me, and that was not a good enough connection for 2 people to maintain a friendship.  (I won't go into details about what each of these 2 people said about each other, but what they did say gave me the information I needed to find a sense of closure to the ending of both relationships.)

Sometimes, I find myself thinking about my past and the mistakes I made with XGFJ.  Yet, they were unavoidable - people have to effectively communicate their wants and needs in a relationship to get them.  Goodwill breaks down when effective communication doesn't occur.  Right now, XGFJ and I have goodwill, though our relationship has ended.  I can't say the same for FCP, as she can never forgive me for exposing too many of her inner feelings to the outside world.  Nor can I give her a hall pass for yelling at me, when calmer communication would have given her what she wanted much quicker and with fewer headaches.  

But I digress....

Since the end of these relationships, I have been able to establish a friendly communications channel with XGFJ.  Recently, she sent me a message that she was finally enjoying her long planned (and postponed) vacation in Greece. Although Greece is not a place I have on my bucket list, I might have gone with her if we were still in a relationship and we were able to include each other in activities with our friends.  Hopefully, the rest of her trip will go well, as I expect that we will be out of touch until I get back from Hawaii.

Rebuilding a social network takes time, especially after a pandemic.  I'm at the stage where I have to pick and choose who I want to see and how I spend my money to be with them.  Obviously, RQS is my highest priority.  I still see FH when our schedules permit.  But that's not often anymore. I'm still in loose contact with MWL, but we don't have much to say to each other either.  Although I still go to meetups, they are not as important to me as they used to be.

In many ways (but not all), RQS has it better than I do.  She is confident in herself, and actively pursues things that nurture her.  She keeps busy with her hobbies, and still finds time to be with me - as if I'm one of the (formerly) missing pieces in her life's puzzle.  It's a good thing for both of us that we have a relationship, and I hope it keeps growing as time goes on.  

Yet, I still wonder....  Will I ever need to rebuild my connections again?  And if so, will it be possible, given my age at the time?

A speed bump in the road....

 

Last night, I called RQS and Vicki had a chat with her.  This triggered some thoughts in RQS's head, and she's not yet comfortable seeing Mario turn into Marian....  She didn't realize that we'd be spending the day together with me in Marian mode while going up to a store north of here to do some dress shopping.  I told her not to worry, as I will not push her into meeting Marian until she's ready to do so.  She echoed something XGFJ mentioned after we broke up, that there were 3 people in this relationship.  In a way, she's right, and it's something not always easy for someone to be comfortable thinking about.  I told her that she doesn't have to meet me in Marian mode until she is comfortable - and that's my highest concern.  

XGFJ said several things after we broke up, some of which conflicted with each other regarding me as Marian.  (No, I won't go into them here.)  But I will say that RQS is much more articulate in expressing her concerns, and that we have a better chance of having a long term relationship. The big question is: How best to introduce me (as Marian) to RQS, so that she isn't uncomfortable.  Hopefully, I will have an answer to that question soon.

Cause and effect

 

The other day, I received a communication from someone who said that I betrayed her.  That word may be a little harsh, but I never meant to hurt this woman.  She then mentioned my ex-girlfriend as a comparison, and I responded - my ex betrayed me.  In short, I was saying that almost all people should get a second chance when no evil intent was intended.  Sadly, this person will likely hold her grudge forever. 

But this got me thinking a little....

One of the things this person has in common with my ex is a connection to me.  Could she have influenced the ex to do certain things?  Possibly.  In anger, people will do the strangest things and regret them later. But I was thinking in a very different direction.  What if the ex was trying to send me a signal, and it misfired in a way she couldn't expect?  When a person says they want to break up, one shouldn't expect a newly minted ex not to think about dating - even if it's the day after the breakup.

This triggered a thought about another woman I know who was separated from her husband for years. When he died, like me, she wanted to get back into the saddle as quickly as possible.  For both of us, this approach didn't lead us in the direction we expected to go.  In my case as of late, if I didn't go out in the world as Marian, I'd have had my choice of 2 different girlfriends.

As you can guess, I've been doing a lot of thinking while working.  My MP3 player can distract me only so much.  I get a lot of ideas for this blog while screen scraping or key entering data at the office.  Yet, only some of them have any value to me these days.  I don't want to include events from others' lives as I did in the past.  Yet, I must say that the chaos I saw first hand made for interesting reading for some people - especially one person who both spoke and wrote loudly.  

Lately, I don't go into as many meetups as I used to in the past.  I'm a little bit more picky now.  One group is hit and miss due to the small group size.  The other is hit and miss due to the distance to get there and to get home.  Do I miss them?  Sometimes.  But, I no longer need that many meetups to be with people. Strangely, that's a gift that my ex, this former acquaintance, and the pandemic have given to me. 

Cancer Sucks

 

Some time ago, I posted an entry about a reader of this blog who has died of cancer. This is a malady that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but would consider wishing on some politicians we all know and loathe.  Today, I had a conversation with DCD, a man who I knew through a therapy group we once attended, and he was feeling a bit down.  After 2 operations and a round of chemo (could be radiation, I don't remember for sure), I'm pretty sure that he is scared for his life.

As I've mentioned before, my late wife died of cancer, and it was 9 months from diagnosis to death.  Although this happened more than 2 decades ago, some of the memories are as fresh as if they were made last week. So I feel sorry for DCD, as I have an inkling of what he and his girlfriend are going through.  Like my situation with my late wife, DCD doesn't communicate that well with his girlfriend.  And this isn't helping things much, as DCD doesn't have many options left to him in his life.  If he survives, he'll likely be working until the day he dies.  Let's hope that isn't anytime soon.

One of these days, we'll hear doctors say: "It's only a mild case of cancer.  Don't worry.  We can cure it with this regimen...."  Unfortunately, that day has not come yet.  But the promising developments that started while my wife was alive are slowly beginning to bear fruit.  Let's hope that it comes soon enough for our children not to need to worry about this medical issue....

Need for new word in language

 

 

The other day, I was in contact with someone who said that I always seemed to have all the answers.  Yet, due to disputes I've had with people (and others with me), I realize that we need a new word in the English language.,

- - - - - -

Years ago, I used to be a frequent viewer of the "Jerry Springer" show, and others like it.  All of the shows started to seem the same over time. People would get into arguments.  Some people had cause to be upset, and others had cause to be on the defense.  When people were called on to justify their positions, they could not communicate a good reason for their position.  They were giving up the fight, but not ceding the point that the other person had some justification for his/her actions.  Often, it was a woman who said "Whatever!" in a voice indicative of an animal skulking away with its tail between its legs. 

As an adult, I find that so many people are not able to articulate their positions well.  And they tend to get run over by people with better communication skills.  Yet, most people would never use the phrase "whatever" to express the same feeling expressed by Springer show guests.  Do you have any words that would sound respectable in "middle class" speech that express this type of defeat?  Please let me know if you know of any....

 

People are still getting used to a "post Covid-19" future

 

It's hard to believe that it has been 5 years since the above picture was taken.  I find it amazing how much I've grown being Marian, and how much I've lost at the same time.  No one can turn back the clock and relive the past.  Yet, one can learn from it, and see the shades of gray in someone else's arguments.  In my case, I've given up hoping that one person will see that I was also wronged in our disagreement, as this would mean she would accept a little blame for herself.  And this made me think a little more about FH.

- - - - -

About a week ago, I was out on a date with FH.  She got lost in her own frustrations when I was having troubles paying for parking using the machine which was provided for this purpose.  Not caring how I felt, she continued to make comments about the machine when I needed peace and quiet to gather my thoughts and figure out what to do next - before my frustration started to control me.  So I asked her to be quiet for a minute, and she said that she'd talk as much as she wanted - as if my issues were of no concern.  Eventually, we were told that we could pay at the exit gate (something I didn't know at the time), and we went to my car to go home.  In the car, I missed the turn for the exit, and she decided to give me a hard time when I said something to myself. She was obviously angry and looking to make me feel bad.  Once we finally exited the lot, she started to make a big deal about things, bringing up the Marian side of me, just to fight dirty in our argument.  So I was quite relieved when I dropped her at her apartment, never to see her again.

It seems like some women like doing this to men they no longer want in their lives.  Instead of saying that things are not working out, and I don't want to see you near my circle of friends, they sabotage things to make this happen.  They also do many other things instead of stating their needs.  In the case of FH, this looks orchestrated, as she first made a big deal of me "stalking her" on Facebook (I only left an active chat window open, and never bothered looking at her Facebook page - all she does is post photographs of herself there) when she unfriended me.  Even though she apologized, and said that she was loopy from a sleeping pill (I know that the pill was an anti-depressant, as I picked them up at the drug store for her once), she never looked to refriend me there.  I wasn't going to make the first move, as I knew something was up.  Then, when she asked me to come down on a Friday night and go to dinner where she knew things were crowded and problems would likely occur, this should have been another sign she was up to something.  When the argument happened it was no surprise - she simply looked for an excuse to achieve something she was too uncomfortable asking for.  She couldn't say that she simply didn't want me around, now that the Covid-19 pandemic restrictions had been eased off.

- - - - - -

There are so many people who can't communicate well.  And we're going to see a lot of strange behavior from people now that the pandemic restrictions are easing off.  Last night, I made a comment to someone that said simply - I hope you enjoy your evening.  And I got back a response that reflected some of the awkwardness I saw in FH.  What is it about people who can not see shades of gray?  More importantly, what is it about the pandemic that brought out the worst in people?

As things open up, people will struggle to find a new normal. Yes, vaccinated people will continue to wear masks for a while. This will also ease off over time. But what about the anti-vaxxers and anti-maskers? Will they freeload off of our immunizations? Today, I saw this message coming from a person in my gaming group:

I know how kind hearted you both are, but are visitors allowed to ridicule adults who refused to get the vaccine without any rational reason?  If this is prohibited, can we at least use "veiled" insults, like, "What's with the mask indoors, Count Maskula?" Or, "Hey, you do know the Earth is round, riiiiiiiight?"

Asking for a rage filled friend who has problems keeping quiet on certain subjects.

I'm vaccinated.

Sincerely,

Xxxxxx Xxxxxx

Although I know this friend is being a little humorous, there is a cynicism implicit in his email.  I'm pretty sure that I know who this person is talking about.  But I'm going to keep my mouth shut unless someone makes an inappropriate statement, and will criticize the person for coming to a place where only inoculated people are welcome.

Tomorrow, I'll be going out to dinner with Vicki and going to the first indoor HVRW dinner since before the pandemic started.  Hopefully, it will be a pleasant night to remember.

PS: On the Monday after I wrote this entry, I received a message from FH. She wanted to say hello and to see how I was doing.  I mentioned that I was cleaning out my bedroom so that a contractor could reset an air conditioner sleeve.  She complained that we hadn't spoken in a week, and all I could do is talk about my AC.  Then, normally, you ask "how are you?" or say "nice to hear from you."  Kvetch, Kvetch, Kvetch.  I meant what I said about not calling her again.

A quick post about a long chat

I just finished chatting with the ex.  A lot was said about two people who were too stupid to communicate well and tossed away a good relationship.  Can I say a lot about it?  No.  But I do know that a conversation I had with someone else has triggered me to return a gift - and that will cause a fit. 

More to come....

 

 

PS: I later decided not to send the gift back to the former friend.  I'll send a letter to the former friend, and regift the gift to the friend I hike with. At least, she can use that gift (or she can regift it herself).

A thought about a past love

 

 

I was going through my library of photos a while back. When I stumbled across this picture, I decided to scan it.  This was an act of providence, as I now have no idea where this picture was hidden by my pooka. 

The above picture of CSN was taken over 40 years ago, and it reflects an image of a woman I once loved when she was in her youth.  We were never meant to be together.  She wanted a man who could climb the corporate ladder to the top, and I wanted to climb to the top of the technology ladder.  Yet, I was poorly placed to achieve my dream, and I had no mentor to help guide me to where I wanted to go.  In short, youth did not give me the lens to understand the path in life I'd take, and I may have ignored any advice I might have received if any had been given.  This woman may have achieved more in her life. But, given what little I have found out over the years, I'm not sure if she led a happy life.

Why do I bring up this woman?  Well, our romance was one of those whirlwind things that started up quickly, and ended just as quickly.  It was zero to sixty in 3 seconds, then sixty to zero in another 3 seconds.  We had chemistry, but I was wise enough to realize that a relationship between people like us would be a train wreck.  But I digress....

The two of us were madly in love, and we had started to shop for places to live.  One day, I stayed overnight, but brought nothing to wear the next day.  This wouldn't be a problem most of the time, but she wanted to present an image - so she handed me one of her sweaters to present a new image for the day, and out the door we went.  Little did she know that this would be the first time I'd venture out in any woman's garment in public.  (Yes, I know that sweaters can be unisex, but that's not the point here.)  I wonder what she would think about me now, if she knew that I look better as a fat female than I do as a fat male. 

Occasionally, I do a Google search to see if any new information has popped up on the web about her.  In the past, I found that she sold fruit at a weekly farmer's market held at a church in Putnam county.  I also found that she once owned a small farm in Northern Dutchess county. But through it all, she has cobbled together some money teaching economics at colleges through the New York City area.  Given what I remember of her these reviews of her class fits the model of her style I have in my mind: 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECO202

😖awful

Sep 22nd, 2020

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: Yes

Online Class: Yes

I cant believe how unclear all her instructions are. Just started taking her course at DCC online during Covid. Her grammar is terrible. Even on quizzes I cannot understand sentences or questions. Directions are usually a small sentence that gives no structure, then she gives a bad grade on the assignment when it doesnt meet her standards. 2/10

Get ready to read

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON102

😖awful

May 15th, 2020

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

She's an awful professor. I didn't even sign up for her class but got put in it because of COVID. I couldn't understand a word she said and her slides were so unhelpful. None of her grading criteria made sense to me and she didn't post the homework, only that it was due. I would never take this person's class again even if it meant I can't graduate.

Graded by few things

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON101

😖awful

Nov 27th, 2019

For Credit: Yes

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Mumbles when she speaks. I promise you won't learn one thing from this class, and she has a sleepy time voice!! Very boring.

Lecture heavy

0

0

 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

5.0

ECON101

😖awful

Oct 20th, 2016

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Absolutely horrible teacher, she mumbles and you can barely understand her, doesn't thoroughly explain anything, she loses your work and your grades regularly. She plays movies and falls asleep in the middle of class. Highly recommend you stay very far away from her class.

Tough Grader LOTS OF HOMEWORK/TEST HEAVY

3

0

Yes, a person who doesn't communicate well will likely also have train wreck romances.  In my case, I found this person to be "full of herself."  I can easily believe that she falls asleep during class, as I'd bet she feels that that teaching Economics 101 is beneath her, because she feels that she should have a tenured position as a prestigious university. Yet, there is a part of me that would get a kick out of auditing her course in person after the pandemic ends, just to see what she has become since we were in contact.  Would she even recognize me after the decades?  Would the similarity of my male and female names trigger a memory for her? I doubt it....

 

 

 

 

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?

Thoughts related to several conversations I've had over the past few days

I've documented issues related to the loss of a friendship, the breakup of another, and thought's I've had about things in general.  Yet, I've never tied everything together for general consumption.  This is my attempt to put things into perspective.

- - - - - -

I've been dating GFJ for a little over 5 years. And we have hit some problems in our relationship. Since I'm writing this entry before Thanksgiving, I am making the assumption that both of us will be with our own families during holiday season. (This is now true.)  I'd have been happy to have had the same kind of relationship that Vicki #1's dad had with his girlfriend - two people in love with each other, but not sharing a common living space.  Each of us would have had the freedom to live our lives as we see fit, but would have had the knowledge that each of us would be there for the other.  I do not know where this will end up, nor do I know if this situation is permanent.  But I do think that we were better off with each other being in our lives, and I think that separating on a good note leaves us many more options than I have with my former cruise partner.

- - - - - -

To check whether I was going nuts or not, I described the situation with my former cruise partner to several of my other friends.  Several of these friends would have liked to see me find a way to patch things up with her, as she was a close friend for several years. However, other friends noted that this woman's actions were abnormally controlling, even though they could be viewed as simple caring from another perspective.

I react very poorly to being controlled by others, and I would push anyone away who'd try to do this to me.  I guess this goes back to childhood, when my mother didn't respect that other people (especially her children) had opinions that differed significantly from hers.  I can still remember being on the phone with a friend, saying that the fancy service at one Chinese restaurant we went to was a little off putting to me.  My mom got very upset at this, as my opinion was very different from hers, and started an argument which resulted in my dad telling her off for one of the few times that I remember him doing so.  Incidents like this created a situation where neither my brother nor I have any pleasant memories of her.  Nor do either of us miss her, almost 20 years after her death.

My former cruise partner is a control freak, but this never got to me until a series of incidents on our last cruise together (documented in my previous blog).  Describing these incidents in detail to my friends, the one I consider my main reality check told me that she was now very glad that she never met my cruise partner.  The little incidents would have been driven her nuts!  Then, this friend said that she understood why I severed contact the way I did - the relationship could no longer nourish me the way it once did, and I didn't want to cause either of us any more pain.

- - - - - -

I also related these events to HWV (in passing) when we went out for dinner the other night. She and HWJ started asking me about romance and my transgender nature - intimate questions that I have no problems answering, when asked by people I've gotten to know a little.  It's amazing how little the average person knows about gender dysphoria, gender presentation, gender identification, and gender preference.  For most Cisgender people, it's way too easy to take many things for granted.

This was an educational conversation, as much for me as it was for them, as I was in the proper setting to talk about things.  Could I have talked this way with GFJ?  Probably not.  This is the kind of conversation which would have her walking away to give me more space to live as Marian - even when I gladly make the trade-off to share my life with someone I love.  (Thankfully, my dysphoria is very mild, as it allows me to live in both genders as needed.)  In a way, I am very envious of one of my Facebook friends I met at Fantasia Fair. She has a healthy relationship with her wife, a relationship which would only break up if she decides to transition completely, both socially and medically.

- - - - - -

Now we get to my recent conversation with Pat.  As I've mentioned, she's an idealist who thinks she is a realist.  She's a person who believes in leftist conspiracy theories, and will only accept the idea of impossibly large changes without plans, and not the incremental changes that realists like me promote.  There are serious problems with the world right now, climate change being one of them.  Although I believe in climate change/global warming, I still consider it an incompletely proven theory - the same way Einstein's theory became useful, even if not proven completely.  Pat is the type of person who will get involved in every Liberal cause, including Black Lives Matter, and then think she is "Woke".  Often, she doesn't have much of a clue about what is really going on, as she seems to always be looking for her Lefty Gold Medal to be pinned on her chest.  This will never happen, as she has no clue about how to affect any change, because she doesn't know how to convince people that change is needed.

Years ago, I learned that politics is a skill of making possible things happen, and knowing what things are possible and what things are not.  To break down the idea of "Separate but Equal" in the courts, many smaller cases had to be brought before the Supreme Court, building up a foundation to overturn prior court rulings.  Pat has no clue about this technique, and would have blown it by putting everything together in a single court case - and then losing it.  Society needs time to process major changes, it needs a plan to implement those changes, and it needs time to sell those changes to a large enough population who will support it.  Pat would destroy the world we live in with her ideals, as she would not pay enough attention to the details or planning needed to get any meaningful changes done.

With all of this, Pat understands why I severed contact with my former cruise partner.  I've grown enough to live without an important crutch in my life.  Yet, she doesn't understand that my growth also allows me to see her for what she is, and accept her as such.  At the age of 78, I doubt that she ever will grow any further - her mind is set in its ways, she distrusts everything the world has been built on, and she can provide no meaningful or effective steps that will make this world a better place.  All she can do is tilt at her windmills and bask in her "wokeness".

- - - - - -

As with everything I write about, it all comes back to me.  Years ago, I searched for any romantic interest that would have me for a partner.  I settled for my wife, a good woman, someone who deserved someone better than me.  It took me years after I lost her to cancer to then be able to appreciate a good woman when she came into my life.  And yet, I wasn't able to read GFJ's mind and give her the relationship security she needed. (No, there is no way I could have read her mind.  But this is a problem with many relationships - not enough quality communication.)  Whatever happens with GFJ and I, I feel I have learned something I might be able to bring into another relationship (if I ever decide to pursue one again.)