Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.

The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.

Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

- - - - - -

One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

 .

By the time you read this, sparks might have flown...

It seems as XGFJ has taken a new path to dealing with me.  I have no intentions of causing a scene.  But I wonder what's on her mind.  I know that she knows some of what's been on my mind - she does read this blog now and then.

- - - - - -

All of a sudden the other day, I saw that XGFJ has signed up for meetups that I was planning to attend. I never had any problem with this, I can be nice to her - even if she is unhappy that I am there.  By the time you read this, we'll know whether we can be in the same place without fighting.  I hope so - if only not to tarnish my memories of her any further.

When I found out that XGFJ had outed me to a couple of people, as well as falsely blaming me for the shutdown of "her" dinner group, I got a little angry.  But then I thought about it and sent the following email


After our last message exchange the other night, I got to thinking - we both lost. You still have your dinner group (now organized by someone else), and I have access to the other meetup groups. Why did we have all this angst between us, if we are at the same place I suggested we'd be all those months ago? Instead of having a friendship where we'd call each other and exchange highlights of the day, we virtually say nothing at all. The answer lies with your feelings about my feminine persona and nothing more.

I feel that you needed to let go of me, because my feminine persona became real to you. That is and was always your right. But you had no right to demand I not attend public groups. I feel that we could have negotiated a way for both of us to share these groups, whether or not I would have attended as a female or as a male. I could not accept your demand that I not attend any of these groups' meetings. Each time this topic came up between us, things got worse between us. Eventually, I would have confronted you in-person once, this problem would have been over between us and we could have resumed some form of friendship. Sadly, the pandemic came, and my anger was allowed to fester. Coupled with loneliness, and I decided to reach out to the one group which was having online meetups at the time. You were upset at that too - I wanted a friendly group, and you couldn't understand why I reached out to that group. This made you angry. I am sorry for that. What made things worse is that you read the blog where I was venting steam. I can't blame you for fearing what I would do. But I never lied to you in regard to caring - my bark was much worse than my bite. So you poisoned the well for me in your group.

Unfortunately, as I said earlier, we both lost in this unneeded squabble. You and I no longer have the trust in each other we once had. I threatened betrayal, and you did so out of fear. I want to apologize for my part in this affair. I could have handled things much better than I did. Maybe a phone call from you, instead of text messages would have been a better tool for us to clear the air. Who knows? This didn't happen. I'd have accepted that call. 

As I said - we both lost.... And I am sorry for my role in that.


I have no idea of what went on in her mind when she read this email, nor did I bother to find out. What is important is that neither of us make asses out of ourselves when our paths bump into each other.  If there is any anger left in me, it's not because we broke up.  (I realized that poor communication would have condemned us to a troubled breakup no matter whether I was transgender or not.)  Instead, it was her demand that I not attend meetings of any of the meetup groups she wanted to hold exclusively for herself. This was an unreasonable demand, and it was the root cause of two people destroying what was left of a nice relationship. Do I miss our friendship?  Yes.  But I doubt that she will make any of the moves (such as making a phone call) that would signal that she misses that friendship and would want a lesser version of it in the future.


Years ago, I used to hang out with Polyamorous people in the Albany, NY area.  They were nice people, and I learned something very important from them.  Healthy relationships are characterized by communication and negotiation. This does not mean that a couple will not argue.  Healthy couples argue.  They just don't frequently argue.  Unhealthy relationships are characterized by frequent arguments.  They are also characterized by the lack of arguments.  This, I think, was the ultimate problem with XGFJ and I - we did not communicate or negotiate well with each other.  Hopefully, she will find what she needs in another man, and me with another woman.  Until then, I will continue trying to find someone who can be comfortable with me exactly as I am....







PS: Long story made short.  The ex got upset when I signed up for her dinner group on dinner night, and made sure that I was expelled from the group.  C'est la Vie.  She also sent me an email which I won't go into here.  But it did trigger an exchange of messages which cleared some of the air between us.  There is still one meetup where we are both are scheduled to attend.  However, I will likely cancel both scheduled meetups I'm supposed to attend, as I may have dates on both evenings.  Why not let her enjoy these evenings?