I think I know why RQS and I click, while my brother and I don't....

 

OK - To help understand things, I care about my brother very much.  But he's not the tyoe of person I'd associate with if we weren't related.  He's impulsive, and doesn't like to explore ideas before taking action.  He gets stuck thinking inside the box, while I think from the outside in.  For example: I'd consider secretly giving nukes to Ukraine (only for use if Kyiv were to fall to Russian forces, or if Russia were to be the first to use nukes in their war), as well as doing the same for Taiwan (for use only if invaded by the mainland).  When I said this, my brother shifted and said - then what would happen if China then sent nukes to Iran?  Then shut off the exploration on the topic.  He may see danger, but he can't explore ideas which when explored might result in a realistic solution to a problem.  He is very fixed in his way of thinking, and I'd never trust him with knowing about my life as Marian.

Now that I have discussed my brother and his narrowness of thought, I can pleasantly turn to RQS.  She's a blessing, as I've said many times.  Well, the other day, she let something slip (probably as a joke) about an interest in females.  We were looking at a couple of VLoggers and I said that if I were 30 again, I wouldn't turn her out of bed - and she said something similar about the woman.  Maybe that's how she can accept me presenting as Marian.  Who knows?

There are many types of love, and some of them are very strange.  I may not have the passion I imagined having for a "next girlfriend" when I'm with RQS.  But I care for her very much.  She's a good fit for me, and I'm glad that I have the love appropriate for a senior citizen for her, instead of the short lived passion of youth.  Hopefully, we will have many good years together. 

 

RQS had to go home today.

 

RQS was up here for a long weekend. It's always nice to have her here.  But it's also nice to see her go home, if only because we both need to recharge our batteries for the following weekend.  We long for each other and are energized when the weekend comes, and we are re-energized when we part.  I think it's because we both have gotten used to having our own nests, and are re-energized by being able to retreat into our own spaces to do the things we would have done on our own before meeting each other.  Simply put, love in one's senior years is more complicated than when we were young.

- - - - - 

Yesterday, the high point of our day was a trip to Stew Leonard's to buy food for the week.  Today, it was the 1-mile walk we took by the Hudson River before it got too hot to do anything outside. It was nice being able to wear my exercise dress again.  RQS noted that she saw another woman wearing her exercise dress.  So I guess I didn't look out of place, save for my height and size.  By the time we were done with this walk (shortly before 11:00 am), all energy was drained from us.  I was glad that we set a limit of 20 minutes to be exposed to the hot and humid weather outside.  After this walk, we went to a deli that I used to frequent daily when I worked for the census bureau.  Four years later, I am still remembered there. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon resting in my apartment.  Unfortunately, I had to wake her up so that she could make her train back to the city.  So, we both got dressed in lightweight dresses, and out the door we went.  After dropping her off, I drove to Poughkeepsie and stopped off at Walmart on the way back home to pick up some makeup remover towelettes and Pointed Tip Swabs. (Think of Q-Tips with a pointed head - perfect for cleaning the area where my ear piercings were done.)  Once home, I was done for the day - and almost ready to go to sleep again.

I won't go into details, but....

 

In the past, I found out that one of my acquaintances' children is a member of the LGBT community.  Thinking little of this, I put it into the back of my mind.  Today, I found out that this girl (for now) is identifying as a male, prefers to use he, him, and his pronouns, and goes to a LGBT group affiliated with the LGBT center I used to volunteer at.

It's going to be hard for me (at first) getting used to using the new pronouns, as this youth is already going through a female puberty.  S/he has already developed breasts, and is at an age where puberty blockers should be used if  s/he doesn't want to develop other female characteristics, such as widened hips.  But, should I tell the parents what to look out for?  I'm of mixed mind, as I don't want to get involved unless I am asked to get involved.

Right now, the parents may think that she is going through a phase that she'll grow out of.  I hope they are right.  If not, I know this youth will be loved whatever gender s/he identifies as being....

An Anniversary - a quick note

 

It's hard to believe that today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary.  And I've been widowed for over twice as many years as we were married.  Do I miss my wife?  Yes.  There are only two other women who got that much of my heart, and both of those relationships were failures.

Would my wife have accepted this side of me?  Who knows?  But I can say that she accepted me wearing my feminine frills at home.  So there was a good chance that she might have accepted the Marian side of me as long as I presented myself well.

- - - - - -

It is acceptable in our society for a woman to present herself in a "masculine" way.  But it is generally not acceptable for a man to present himself in a "feminine" way.  For the life of me, I'll never understand this with the rational side of my mind.  But I can understand it with the more primitive side of my mind, as it has over 60 years of social programming to reinforce these views.  Hopefully, this will change for today's youth....