I got a call the other night about DCD

 

When I "sold" my old Honda Civic to DCD, I gave him a car in almost perfect repair.  A year or two ago, I replaced the car's exhaust system, and the car was running as quiet as when the car was first in my possession.  The other night, I found out how badly DCD is treating his car, and it made me sad.  He is not responsible enough to drive a car, much less own one.

NDC (as i called her in a prior post) called me right after I put a load of clothes in the dryer. She told me the story of how DCD screwed up the exhaust system on his car, making it sound like a convention of Harley Davidson motorcycles driving on the open road.  He lost his temper, sped through her complex, hitting a speed bump and making the exhaust system worthless.  But this wasn't all. He is now homeless and lives out of the car.  The other day, he ran out of gas, leaving his car in the middle of the street.  NDC lent him her charge card to buy a gas can and to fill his car.  But he dawdled enough, that she worried that he absconded both with the car and her charge card.  She was almost ready to call the police when he returned. NDC was livid.  DCD's car was still in the middle of the street a couple of hours after DCD called her for help.

DCD had medical appointments the following day, as part of making preparations for his upcoming cancer surgery and chemotherapy.  Without a car, he won't make it to those appointments. I expect that without the right help, he will die alone in his car - if he even gets to keep the car.  As for me, I don't want the car back when he dies - it will cost me more to fix it than it is worth.  At least, he and those around him will be out of their misery.

 

 

It's amazing - Life keeps throwing curveballs, and I keep fouling them off.

 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm a woman on the home front during the war years.  Yes, I have my female friends to comfort me, but the men that remained stateside all have problems not worth dealing with.  Today, I decided to write a message to DCD, telling him how I felt about him, as well as his relationships with others.  This message reads as follows:

DCD -  

Your ex contacted me first to find out where you were one day, as she couldn't reach you for a Friday shift. She then got into telling me how you were chronically late for shifts, and that you got fired from the job at the YMCA. She noted that she's moved on with her life, and wants you gone from her place. Yet, the other day, she came home and found you curled up on her bed. I have no objective way to know exactly what is going on with you and her, but it is unhealthy for you to live at her place or to even use her house as your mailing address. 

While on the subject of mailing addresses, she noted that you have had several P.O. boxes, that you have stopped paying, and that a lot of mail never reaches you. I know that you have changed your phone numbers several times, possibly because bill collectors are trying to reach you. In one case, they tried to send a service notice at her place, but you were not there. My advice to both of you is to cut the umbilical cord that holds you two together and start living your own independent lives.

Your ex made me aware of the fact that she told you not to call for assistance when your car ran out of gas, but to walk to the gas station and get a gallon or two to fill up the car. You didn't, and the car was taken from you. Can you bail the car out? Without income, I doubt it. I guess I will be on your long list of creditors, as you are already 6 months behind in payments. And without transportation, you will likely never be able to pay me back - like others who have tried to help you.

You need to ask for help. There are public shelters in Connecticut and New York. You are likely sick - the inoperable brain tumor for which you had radiation may be affecting your judgement. Get that help now, before you start spiraling down the path of helplessness and destitution. You have a habit of ignoring people's advice and going against their suggestions to prove you have good judgement - which you don't have. A while back, I asked you why you didn't try to get your child support lessened when you didn't have a pot to piss in. You didn't have a good answer. Right now, it is more important for you to only make commitments that you are certain to keep and not make those you only hope to keep if you are lucky. You should never have bought my car unless you were absolutely sure you could pay me back. Given your history, it'll be a miracle if you ever pay me back for the car. As they say - no good deed goes unpunished.
These comments are not meant to harm you. Instead, they are a last hope of getting you on a path where you seek help and get it, to rebuild yourself for the years you have left above ground. You can continue along this path of self-destruction. Or you can get help in rebuilding your life. The choice is yours. and only yours. You have burnt too many bridges among family and friends to get help from these sources. You may need to ask one last person (not me) to refer you to adult protective services for the help you need. But if you get that help, don't waste anyone's time. Start rebuilding your life., and take responsibility for your life and the decisions you make in it.

Marian

Well, I know he's a bit defensive, as I received the following:

I appreciate your support. As with my ex and her meaning, well, I get upset at the suppositions that are made. I may have burnt some bridges but I do not believe that my ex's or your knowledge base of my life gives you enough information to state that I have burnt so many bridges that I can not get get help from those resources. 

My wanting or not wanting to involve family and friends is a matter of my privacy and how I want to be seen by others. It disturbs me to have to explain this to you and as I have had to in past to my ex.

Defensive?  Yes.  And also a little upset, as I have called him to account for his own failings.  He's gone through a lot of shit in his life.  Yet, he has to learn to "Get Over It". Or simply, to climb his mountain of problems and conquer them.  One can either be a victim or survivor in life, it's all a matter of attitude.  DCD has to find that special power inside himself, harness it, and conquer all of his demons.  This isn't easy when you're approaching 60, and haven't a pot to piss in.

Did I handle things wrong?  I'm not sure.  Reading his response made me think that he's afraid to be honest with people.  He didn't challenge my core assumptions: that he is not able to handle responsibility that well, and that he needs help.

- - - - - -

Now, why did I say that I keep fouling off curve balls?

Well, the answer is simple.  The other day, my main credit card was compromised, and I'm finding it easier than expected (so far) to attach these accounts to a new credit card account. Today, I had to run out to several stores before a major snow storm arrives.  Couple all of this with having to think about DCD just before going away on a cruise, and it seems like I'm hanging on "at bat" as best I can.

I knew that this would be a problem

 

No, that is not my old car.  It's been generations since America knew how to build cars with real style.  But it reminds me of how much of a relic I have become in my old age.

- - - - - -

Like old cars, old friendships have their costs of maintenance.  In the case of DCD, I owed him for helping me move furniture, so that my (then) new carpet could be installed.  So, I figured that I could pay him back by offering him my old car at a below market price.  And this is where the problem comes up.  DCD is not paying me the money he owes me in a timely manner.

My brother and I talked about DCD a while back, and he figured that DCD would skip out on his payments.  Although I also figured this would happen, I am not bothered too much - the old car is out of my parking spaces, and is now his responsibility.  The other day, DCD told me that he failed to get "permanent" plates put on the car because he couldn't get in for an emissions test on time.  Dollars to donuts that this is a BS excuse from him.  Instead, RQS and I both think it is because he doesn't have the money to register the car in his legal state of residence - Connecticut.  

DCD had major health problems a few years back, and maintains legal residency at his (ex) girlfriend's house.  Ideally, he should find out how to switch his legal residence to New York (where he is a de facto resident), while keeping his Obamacare/Medicaid coverage.  But he doesn't do this.  As a result, he is paying an extra tax on the value of the car so that he can legally register the car in Connecticut, not jeopardizing his official Connecticut residency. 

- - - - - -

Do I think I will ever get all of the money DCD owes me?  No.  He is not a responsible person.  He avoids awkward situations, as I did almost 30 years ago - before I was forced to grow up.  Right now, he doesn't have a pot to piss in, and in late middle-age, that's a very bad thing.  I'm grateful I don't have his life to live.