Often, Transgendered Life Can Be Very Mundane - but it takes some time to get there.

 

What is it about being transgender that most of us wish we could have?  The answer to that question is relatively simple: We wish to live our lives and be perceived as the gender in which we identify.  

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Let's say one chooses to live life in the gender opposite to which as one was identified as belonging to at birth.  One would then have to navigate a maze of challenges in order to be accepted in one's "New" identity and not stand out as Transgender:

• Presentation.
  - Dressing appropriately for each situation.
  - Makeup (Where, When, and How Much?)
  - Development of vocal traits appropriate to one's gender.
  - Surgeries (if needed) to live in one's authentic gender
• Social Skills.
  - Learning behaviors appropriate for one's "New" Gender.
  - Learning verbal language skills appropriate to one's "New" Gender.
  - Learning non-verbal language skills (body language) appropriate to one's "New" Gender.
•  Legal Issues.
  - Name changes on legal documents (Birth Certificate, Driver's License, etc.).
  - Financial Arrangements (updated name on bank accounts, insurance policies, etc.)
• Medical Issues.
  - Treatment for body parts part of "New" gender.
  - Treatment for body parts remaining from "Old" gender.
  - Choosing new doctors (as needed)
• Social Life.
  - Building up friendships with others of your "New" gender
  - Development of interests of your "New" gender to share common interests.

The above is not a complete list of these challenges, nor will all of them apply to every transgender person.  For example, many transgender people live in the role of their "New" gender without any intent to undergo Gender Correction Surgeries.  Others may consider this step necessary for their unique journeys. I feel that my journey depended on learning how to speak as a female, and I underwent voice training to help my voice sound more feminine.  

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Often, one has to ask a very important question:

How "Passable" do I need to become? 

This might be the most important question a transgender person needs to ask.  Ideally, I'd like to be able to have Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS), Breast Augmentation, and Hair Restoration (I hate wearing wigs!) When it comes to bottom surgery (a.k.a. Gender Correction Surgery - GCS), I can take it or leave it.  To me, the only benefit from GCS would be the ability to go into a woman's locker room and not have to hide my private parts.  Since I don't go to a gym, it's not a big deal for me.  But this could be a problem for other trans people.

Some trans people do not have a need to pass.  Instead, they simply want to blend in as much as possible, or they don't mind being seen as part of the "Queer Community".  One trans woman I know has no desire to have bottom surgery, as she feels she could lose her ability to have an orgasm.  Her voice still sounds masculine, and the nose on her face is the only visual feature that would identify her as a M2F trans woman.  Yet, she's happy with her presentation.  She participates in local women's groups, and persues her dreams in retirement.

Not all trans people can become "passable".  One trans woman I've met stands 6'6".  The lack of feminine curves combined with her height gives her away as being transgender.  Another trans woman I know still have the physical appearance of being a linebacker.  For these trans women, "Blending In" is the best that they can do.  And, hopefully, this will be enough for these trans women.

The issue of "Passing" is not unique to trans women.  I have also met trans men who are very short, and still have their feminine curves.  At work, one of these trans men (when I was last in contact with him) had to present as a Butch Lesbian at work, instead of being outed as transgender at work.  (He worked in an environment where being a Butch Lesbian did not affect "her" social standing, but being transgender would have caused people to discriminate against him.)

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Eventually, most of us are able to find a new normal in life.  Our existence becomes much more mundane, filled with activities in which cisgender people would be involved.  Their transgender identities become less and less a factor in their lives.   They have navigated through their mazes, and found ways to live within the boundaries of objective reality.  The mundane has finally become a new normal.  And, hopefully, the transgender person can live the full life s/he hoped for with a minimum of hassles.

This is how my car puts on mileage

 

Lately, RQS has been dealing with a few health issues.  Several days ago, a specialist told her that she had to go to the emergency room as one of her tests came in at ridiculously high levels. She was discharged the same evening, with new scripts for new medicines.  Given this visit to the emergency room, she has not been her normal self - the feelings of helplessness and feeling ignored by the medical professionals came back and hit her hard.  

While in the ER, the doctors rescheduled an appointment to get her to another specialist 3 months earlier than originally scheduled.  During this visit, the doctor gave her advice on what she should be eating (for example, kill the carbs) and how much exercise she should be getting.  As an aside, the 2nd specialist suggested that she should find a replacement for specialist #1, as s/he didn't pay attention to her when she wanted to discuss how treatments for her first issue would interfere/intersect with treatments for the second issue.

As you can guess, RQS was not "all there" for the second half of the week.  So, when she came up to see me, she had a "comedy" of misfortunes occur.  First, her scarf got tangled in the wheel of her suitcase.  Thankfully, her Uber driver got it untangled and tossed everything in the trunk of the car.  As she was dropped off at the subway station, her cell phone fell out of her pocket.  Luckily, she had her ID, some money, and everything needed to come to Croton with her.  But she was totally out of sync with her normal self.  While RQS was on her way up, my ex-GF Patty told me that her sister's wake would be tonight.  If I were to have gone, I'd be dressing as Mario and driving to Fishkill to pay my respects.  This would have been an awkward introduction of Patty and RQS.  Luckily, I wasn't expected to pay my respects, as they were keeping everything small.  So, I dressed as Marian, and picked RQS up at the station.

There was no way I would take RQS straight to my place, as she was ravenously hungry.  So, it was off to the diner in Peekskill for dinner.  While there, she contacted Uber and sent in a request for help. Uber didn't respond quickly, so I thought of something after dinner - calling her phone to see if anyone had found it.  Someone did!  So we are meeting him at 10 am to pick the phone up and say thanks.  But this means that we have to get up at the crack of dawn to get showered and dressed, so that we could be in RQS's neighborhood around 9:30 am, and then mosey back to Westchester to see friends (with me in Marian mode) at 1 pm.

It took until 11 pm for RQS to fully relax (or, as much as she could under the circumstances).  Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, and I'm not looking forward to the drive....

I got a call the other night about DCD

 

When I "sold" my old Honda Civic to DCD, I gave him a car in almost perfect repair.  A year or two ago, I replaced the car's exhaust system, and the car was running as quiet as when the car was first in my possession.  The other night, I found out how badly DCD is treating his car, and it made me sad.  He is not responsible enough to drive a car, much less own one.

NDC (as i called her in a prior post) called me right after I put a load of clothes in the dryer. She told me the story of how DCD screwed up the exhaust system on his car, making it sound like a convention of Harley Davidson motorcycles driving on the open road.  He lost his temper, sped through her complex, hitting a speed bump and making the exhaust system worthless.  But this wasn't all. He is now homeless and lives out of the car.  The other day, he ran out of gas, leaving his car in the middle of the street.  NDC lent him her charge card to buy a gas can and to fill his car.  But he dawdled enough, that she worried that he absconded both with the car and her charge card.  She was almost ready to call the police when he returned. NDC was livid.  DCD's car was still in the middle of the street a couple of hours after DCD called her for help.

DCD had medical appointments the following day, as part of making preparations for his upcoming cancer surgery and chemotherapy.  Without a car, he won't make it to those appointments. I expect that without the right help, he will die alone in his car - if he even gets to keep the car.  As for me, I don't want the car back when he dies - it will cost me more to fix it than it is worth.  At least, he and those around him will be out of their misery.

 

 

Doctor, Car, Co-Op and DCD (the latter two being F****d Up messes.

 

I should start out by saying that I knew that this would be a busy day.  What I didn't know was how much this day would take out of me.

But first....

My doctor visit was scheduled for 10:45.  I knew that it would be a long visit, as the doc tends to run late with his late morning appointments.  Today was no exception.  Even though I arrived at 10:45, the doc didn't see me until 11:10-11:15 or so.  Again, the doc is changing my medication mix to get things where he wants them.  However, he didn't say anything about one of the drugs he wanted me to start on a while back - before we knew that it could be covered by my formulary.

After seeing the doctor, it was off to the deli for a breakfast sandwich, and then home to rest.  One problem - I thought my car service appointment was for 2 pm, and not for 1 pm.  So I didn't have much time to rest.  Luckily, I live 15 minutes away from the dealership's service department, and got there on time.  So, I was back home by 3 pm.

I couldn't take a nap.  So I ended up watching YouTube videos until the Co-Op board meeting started. Before everyone joined in, I found out the current state of our finances - and they weren't as good as I'd like to see them.  Later on, I found out how our former management company fouled things up.  In short, their arrogance and lack of adequate communication with the board and co-op shareholders is the root cause of our difficulties. All I can say about this is that I'm glad that we have a good accountant and a good lawyer we can count on if things go bad.

And finally, I got a text from DCD's ex-girlfriend (I'll call her N for now).  He really screwed up this time, and no one's going to help him get out of his mess.  DCD has been sleeping in his car for a while, and let his car insurance lapse.  N has been giving DCD work to pay some of his bills, and she wants to be done with him.  If N's boyfriend were to find out how much she still helps DCD, he'd leave her.  So, she keeps what she does for DCD a secret from her current boyfriend.  Recently, DCD received some money from his mom and gave N a token payment for all the money he owes her.  You'd think that with the rest of the money he had, he'd bring his car insurance up to date.  Wrong.  A few days ago, he had no money, and asked N for some money to get gas.  N gave him $20, and told him to take a gas can, walk a mile or two to the gas station, and return to the car with gas.  Under no circumstances should he call AAA or similar roadside aid for help.  DCD ignored her, and called for a tow.  Someone ran his plates, and found that the car wasn't insured.  DCD's car was towed to a pound, and he was left without transportation.  He now has 30 days to bail out the car and get it insured, or the car will be gone for good.  (And with that, there goes any chances I have of getting the $2,100 he still owes me for the car.)  To make things worse, he broke into N's place, and is now squatting in her garage. 

If it were me, I'd consider being honest with my current love, and telling the truth.,  If N's boyfriend were to leave, then he isn't worth her time.  She needs to kick DCD out of her place once and for all.  He is sick, and needs help.  He still uses N's place for his mail, so that he can keep Connecticut residency.  One problem - he shouldn't be listed as living there anymore.  What would you do if you were N?  What type of help should DCD's parents give him, even if it is to steer him to a shelter and public assistance.  (Remember, DCD has had two operations on his brain, and might qualify for public assistance, being physically/mentally unable to hold a full time job,)  It's a dilemma for which I have no solutions. And I can say that I didn't depend on him paying me off for the car....