I knew that this would be a problem

 

No, that is not my old car.  It's been generations since America knew how to build cars with real style.  But it reminds me of how much of a relic I have become in my old age.

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Like old cars, old friendships have their costs of maintenance.  In the case of DCD, I owed him for helping me move furniture, so that my (then) new carpet could be installed.  So, I figured that I could pay him back by offering him my old car at a below market price.  And this is where the problem comes up.  DCD is not paying me the money he owes me in a timely manner.

My brother and I talked about DCD a while back, and he figured that DCD would skip out on his payments.  Although I also figured this would happen, I am not bothered too much - the old car is out of my parking spaces, and is now his responsibility.  The other day, DCD told me that he failed to get "permanent" plates put on the car because he couldn't get in for an emissions test on time.  Dollars to donuts that this is a BS excuse from him.  Instead, RQS and I both think it is because he doesn't have the money to register the car in his legal state of residence - Connecticut.  

DCD had major health problems a few years back, and maintains legal residency at his (ex) girlfriend's house.  Ideally, he should find out how to switch his legal residence to New York (where he is a de facto resident), while keeping his Obamacare/Medicaid coverage.  But he doesn't do this.  As a result, he is paying an extra tax on the value of the car so that he can legally register the car in Connecticut, not jeopardizing his official Connecticut residency. 

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Do I think I will ever get all of the money DCD owes me?  No.  He is not a responsible person.  He avoids awkward situations, as I did almost 30 years ago - before I was forced to grow up.  Right now, he doesn't have a pot to piss in, and in late middle-age, that's a very bad thing.  I'm grateful I don't have his life to live.

By the time you read this....

By the time you read this post, I should be back from my cruise.  I figure that I'll have a lot to write about in the time I was gone.  Did I overcome my anxiety?  Did I really have anything major to worry about?  How did our time in London go with my niece?  So many questions, and I hope to be able to answer them here.

- - - - - -

There's a part of me that wishes that my friends could all get their acts together and live the best lives that they can live.  Unfortunately, I often meet people who can't get out of their own way (such as DCD) or who are afraid to leave their comfort zones (such as MAR).  This can be frustrating, as one invests a certain amount of emotional energy into every friendship, and it's frustrating to see people fail when success should be in their grasp.  For example, do I expect to see DCD get his car on the road?  No.  Given the screw-ups he has had in getting the car out of my parking lot and getting to DMV to register the car, I expect that the car will die of neglect.  MAR has a similar method of failure, as she is unable to follow through on advice given to her to escape her current dead-end career.  Do I expect to see her apply for a job at the post office?  No.  She'll likely make excuses for why she hasn't done so.

The key difference between me and these friends is that I eventually leave my comfort zone to grow.  Going out and about as Marian was scary at first.  But it is now second nature.  The other day, I wrote to the Bermuda board of tourism and found out that I should not have any problems with being gender non-conforming.  However, I am waiting for a response from their Immigration department to be safe. (If I don't get one, I'll ask the security people at the pier when I'm there in Mario mode.)  Growth is not always comfortable.  And by the time you read this, I'll have grown a little as a seasoned traveler..

I'll have returned from my cruise when you read this.

Although I wish I could go on a Hawaii cruise again this year, it is not to be.  The prices are right, and I could have booked airfare at a reasonable price.  (Un)fortunately, RQS and had  booked a Bermuda cruise for this time of year, and I had booked another cruise for two weeks after that.

As I write this, I am about to take a Bermuda cruise with RQS, and have started preparing for our trip.  Unlike previous cruises, we are going to the cruise terminal from my place, and we both think it will be an easier trip than taking an Uber from the middle of Queens.  This will be our first time in Bermuda, and I am looking forward to the experience.  Sadly, I will be traveling as Mario, and not my authentic self.

- - - - - -

Last night, I exchanged a set of messages with someone I've known for years, but am no longer close to.  We caught up with what was going on with our families, and chatted about what our plans were for Thanksgiving.  (I'll be eating my holiday meal on the ship, while she will be with family.)  What was of interest was that FCP was also in contact with her lately.  Rather than say too much, I noted what FCP had to say to me a few weeks ago, and that I didn't encourage or discourage future communication.

Later in the evening, I discussed this with RQS, and noted that I had a similar conversation with Vicki the night before.  Vicki has stronger feelings than I do about what happened several years ago, and feels that I have grown in ways I never could have grown had these people stayed an active part of my life. And in this regard I agree with her.

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When I cruise alone, I usually get a chance to reset what is going on in my mind and relax.  When I cruise with someone else, this process is broken.  I still relax, but my thoughts are not reset.  Yet, I am comfortable with this.  Having someone to share an experience with is important. And I'm glad that RQS will be with me on the cruise this time....

Hawaii Vacation - Day 07: Volcanoes National Park

It's hard to believe that my vacation is more than half over.  But it is.  And so far, I've had a relaxing time going out and about as Marian, leaving Mario behind when possible.  People who need to see my identification tend not to bat an eye when I'm presenting paperwork that identifies me as being Mario, when I'm out as Marian. 

 

Why is this so important?  Not having to worry about what people will think of me has allowed me to grow as a person.  The woman inside me has been freed to explore the world on her terms.  

But I digress....

I have had to present both my cruise ID card and my passport card (I could have used my drivers license instead) almost every time I have come back from a shore excursion.  Being transgender is not a big deal - especially in Hawaii.  On this ship, I'm being seen as the female I'm displaying to the world.  And this is a great experience for me.

With my face, I always have to go out with my makeup on.  But once applied, people are seeing me as female.  But I am still forced to do code switching, turning my relationships with women to relationships with men when discussing my past in general conversation.  If people see me adjusting my wig, I mention that I have alopecia, but never mention that it is male pattern alopecia.  Ideally, I will get partial facial feminization surgery, so that I can go out and about without makeup as long as I have my wig on.

Yet, I still digress....

Today was an excursion to the Volcanoes National Park.  Like yesterday, weather played a part in how I would enjoy this trip.  It was in the high 70's when we left the ship, with more than a significant chance of rain.  And it did rain on the way to the park.  One bus had to get unstuck from the mud on the road, and we ended up passing that bus so that we could get to the park on time.

I had forgotten my rain poncho before I left my cabin, so I ended up buying a cheap poncho at the park's visitor center.  When I put it on, I realized I was going to deal with one problem many transgender women have: Keeping my wig in place while putting the poncho on is where I had to be careful, as I didn't want to advertise that I was wearing a wig.

 

 

Once my poncho was on, it was off to the Sulfur Springs Trail.  It was much more comfortable to walk in the drizzle when wearing the poncho, and I made it halfway on the trail.  It was interesting to see sulfur on the rocks, along with the steam coming from the vents with a distinctive sulfur smell.  

 

 

 

Next, we were off to see the volcanic crater pictured in the video above.  Although we couldn't see much, it was an interesting sight.  I only wish that it wasn't raining so that I'd have had a better view.

This was the second time where the weather got in the way of enjoying a view of nature.  I guess this means that I will need to come back to Hawaii again to see these sights.....

Thoughts on a past lost to time

 

 
Something got me thinking about my former travel partner.  I'll admit that it was because of my stupidity that I lost her as a friend. Yet, I'm not really sure about the quality of the friendship we once shared.  Thinking back on it, there may have been a codependency factor involved that made the dissolution of the friendship more painful for the two of us.

I'm very glad that FCP has had two happy events occur in her life in the past few months.  And I'm sad that I couldn't be there to share them with her.  Yet, she's not with me as I explore things with RQS, building up a shared set of happy experiences..  We both lost a lot when the friendship ended, but this is a part of life.

One of the things that FCP said to me in the process of cutting off communications was that I did not betray XGFJ, and that she is glad that I am communicating with her again.  What she doesn't want to see is the fact that XGFJ betrayed me.   Although I have forgiven XGFJ for her actions, I doubt that we'll be any closer than we are now - two people with a shared past that have less and less to talk about as time pulls us away from each other.

- - - - - -

But enough about FCP and XGFJ.  There are other things that time has erased from my life.  For example, the older I get, the harder it gets for me to remember many of the details of my late wife.  She had a habit of saying "N double-A s t i" for "Nasty".  There were many more quirks that she had, but most of them have moved into inaccessible areas of my memory.  I miss those memories, yet it is a good thing that most of them are inaccessible.  It would be a bad thing to bore RQS with things about my late wife's life, and for her to bore me with things about her late husband's life.  We are only able to share the most important things about our late spouses' lives, and we understand the losses that the other has felt....

There's a part of me that mourns the loss of the career I enjoyed (for the most part) for the better part of 40 years.  The opportunity to work as a programmer again is tantalizing, as it was the type of work I most enjoyed.  Yet, I'm way past my prime, and I would not gain much from retooling for work best done by a younger person. Yet, I could sacrifice some of the time I have left to me to end my working career doing the type of work that gave me pleasure when I started in the workforce.

- - - - - -

One of the things I miss since I've been employed at my present job is reading for the enjoyment of it.  By the time my day ends at the office, my mind is fried.  I've made so many micro decisions that I have no energy left to make any of the big ones.  This has resulted in an inability to clean up my apartment, and an inability to do much of the reading I enjoy so much.  Hopefully, by the time I get to take my next long vacation, I will have recharged my energy enough so that both my apartment has finally gotten cleaned up and that I've regained my ability to enjoy a long book.  I'd hate for these things to have gotten lost with time.

- - - - - -

All of us have friends and family we have lost over the years. Many of us have had to reinvent ourselves to live with a purpose in life. As for me, I live to learn - about myself, about others, and about the world in which we live.  From each loss comes an opportunity to grow.  And I intend to use those opportunities to grow instead of being burdened by them....

 

It's 13 o'clock!

 

One TG person I know describes her height as 5' 13 1/2".  It's a fun way of saying that she's 6'1 1/2".  Of course, 1 foot has only 12 inches, but most people will understand the joke and make the translation without much thought.  Today, I was in a situation where one person said that it was 1:12 pm, and I responded that it was 12:72 pm - and this caused another person to defend his reality that it could only be 1:12 pm.

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I have mentioned that we have a motley crew of diverse employees where I work.  As much as I'll joke that they could train monkeys to do our jobs, but PETA would sue them for animal abuse, I respect the firm for giving all the people working here an opportunity to earn a needed salary.  It is a good place for people who are not able to climb the corporate ladder (for whatever reason), but it is not a place for an ambitious young person to spend more than a year or two earning money to pay for college expenses. Some of the people we have hired are on the autism spectrum, and it was one of these employees who protested that it was 1:12 pm when we were joking that it was 12:72 pm.  The other person in on this joke was having fun with me, as he was comfortable with my response to him giving the time.  After 30 seconds or so, I found myself explaining to the fellow with autism that the two of us were joking with each other, knowing that we were breaking the rule that an hour only has 60 minutes.

Strangely enough, I wonder what goes on in this man's mind.  Does he need the certainty of having only ONE way of describing the world to function effectively in it?  What does this mean at a larger social level?  Could conservatism and adherence to religious dogma be related to this trait that has manifested in this person in this way?  Could the need for religion be a result of our species need to have a single explanation for everything that happens in the universe?

I remember a conversation with TCL where she was asking a lot of questions as to why something was going on.  It was frustrating, as the answer to many questions like this may only be: "it just is, because random chance may have made it this way."  And in the case of myself, I think growth came because I didn't have to accept either a fixed dogma or an unanswered question for what it provides me.

A death of an acquaintance.

 

This picture has nothing to do with about what I am writing about today.  Yet, it was a reminder that I had to get around to writing about a death of someone I haven't seen in years.

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Years ago, I went to school with a man who joked about forming his own Klan.  (Spelling that word with a "K" is intentional.)  This man was raised by an intolerant Germanic father, and he inherited many of his attitudes from his dad.  At that time, I liked this person (I didn't have good taste in people then), and I ended up buying an insurance policy from him when he was in the insurance business.  

Over the years, we lost contact, and he went his own way with his life.  Yet, I was shocked to hear from him via Facebook, and I felt that he had the same attitudes he had in his past, as he was a Trump supporter. When he died, I decided to look at his Facebook page, and I was surprised by several things.  First, he was no longer posting stupid things on his Facebook page, and there was little trace of the Trump support he showed in the past.  Next, it appeared that he married again (he was already divorced once when I knew him), and that nothing showed up in his feed showing what this woman looked like. And finally, it looks like he had done a complete turnabout in regard to racial relations.

Sadly, I will not be in the NYC area when a memorial service is held for him.  I would like to find out what happened to him in the years since we were together.  I wonder what he would think if he were to find out that I am transgender.  Unfortunately, some things can not be known....


PS: I later found out that he was still on his second marriage.  Never trust personal data shared on Facebook.

Recently, I heard something through the grapevine.

It's not easy being transgender.  Do we out ourselves to make general conversation?  Do we hide things about our lives? Or, do we talk about our lives, flipping genders as needed to eliminate some cognitive dissonance with people we may meet?

Recently, I heard about one person who attended a recent meetup of one of my groups that had negative words to say about me.  (I won't say anything about this person or how I heard this information for privacy purposes.)  But it got to me a little.  It's not because I was pegged as being transgender that bothered me.  Instead, it was this person's attitude towards me and others.  This person is a social bully who dominates every conversation he gets into (from what I've seen from a meetup I attended), not paying any attention to cues given by the people he is with.

When something bothers you, do you ask why it bothers you?  Well, I've learned that we tend to see in others those things that we dislike about ourselves.  In my case, it was a reminder that I was not born as a cisgender female, that I am not thin, and that I still have far to go regarding my social skills.

In life, we can either use these emotional hits as tools to grow, or we can allow them to diminish us.  I choose to grow, and not be harmed by one person's unthinking actions and words.  And I hope that my readers can do the same as well.