Showing posts with label Ex-GF-M. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ex-GF-M. Show all posts

Sunday, December 1, 2024

Dreams

 

For those of you who don't know me that well, I rarely dream when I sleep.  This could be due to an inability to go into deep sleep.  Or, it could be something else I've had for ages.  As long as I feel healthy, I don't care much, as a good sleep can be quite restful.

Years ago, I fell asleep on a train and felt that I was having a conversation with my late wife.  I felt wide awake and totally aware of my circumstances, and this dream made me feel quite good - until I asked one question: How could I be having this conversation when you passed away?  Then, POOF! she was gone.  

I've changed a lot over the years, and I can say that a lot of the time I've been a total jerk without realizing it.  Other times, I realized it after it was too late and couldn't stop.  And this leads to a dream I had recently.

Now for some background.

I met this couple at an AOL widows/widowers gathering about 26-27 years ago.  They eventually got married, and the gentleman adopted his wife's son.  This son has a visual impairment which will prevent him from ever driving.  As such, he will likely live near a big city for the rest of his life, due to transportation issues.  The day that the couple adopted their other son, their house caught on fire, and they were living in temporary digs for a year while their house was rebuilt.

At the time this was going on, I was dating Ex-GF-M, a woman who was morbidly obese. We planned to go to the couple's celebration of being able to return home, but I got the date and time wrong - but still arrived at the party late.  I didn't have the self esteem to simply leave my to be ex at the time - this is a big problem when a person has an unhealthy relationship glued together by a mutual addiction (food).  But I was aware of it, and was trying to get up the gumption to leave.

Well, I mentioned this to the couple (who were both obese as well), and was later cut off from being Facebook friends.   Could this be because I was a jerk in other ways without knowing it?  Could it have been because they saw my rejection of my then GF as an insult to them?  Who Knows?

Now to the present.

I have lost contact with this couple, and wouldn't mind being in loose contact again. The other night, I had a dream involving this couple.  They hadn't been on my mind for ages.  Could my subconscious be trying to tell me something?

So I wonder?  Should I try to reach out to this couple?  Should I address the elephant in the room from the past?  Again, who knows?  For all I know, it could be a signal that something bad has happened to them - but with no real evidence that this could be so.  Yet, I'd like to get some closure on the past.   And I'd like to apologize for being a jerk when I knew them.







Saturday, September 21, 2024

Last minute packing

 

In a couple of days, RQS and I will be heading down to Philadelphia for a few days. If it weren't for the fact that we would be seeing RQS's cousin, I'd be in Marian mode for this trip.  But to be safe, when in doubt, don't come out (of the closet).  So, I'll be leaving my wig, falsies, and dresses at home for this trip.

- - - - - -

I expect that soon, RQS will enjoy the comfort of staying home - as we have 4 days in Philly and 2 7-day cruises to Bermuda coming up.  By the time Thanksgiving comes, we'll both be tired of eating rich food.  And yet, we'll both do our best when Hudson Valley Restaurant Week comes in November.

We're looking forward to our upcoming trips.  I've never had the chance to explore Philly that much, as I was there with Ex-GF-M on one of her business trips, with another ex on an overnight stay, and with XGFJ on a visit to the Barnes Foundation museum.  Seeing the Mutter museum is on top of my list of things to do, as well as seeing the 30th Street Amtrak station when we get off the train.  Of course, we'll visit all the traditional tourist sites such as the Liberty Bell and the US Mint.  Yet, I'll be looking for some of the more interesting sites, such as the Eastern State Penitentiary.

- - - - - -

But first, I have to get my bags packed, so we can head down to RQS's place for the night.

More later....

Friday, May 24, 2024

The doctor wants to run another test on me - a short post

 


I went to the doctor today, and he saw signs that made him want to have a liver scan done on me.  I've put this off for a long while, and don't relish going in for a simple scan.  Why, you might ask?  Maybe, I'm hiding from reality.  And maybe, I simply don't care.  This is why I wish I had a good therapist I could trust with both my eating issues and my gender issues.

Years ago, I broke up with Patty, then Ex-GF-M because of eating issues.  Both were good people, but they were triggering my food addiction.  Since then, I've never been able to restore the drive I once had to lose weight and live a more healthy lifestyle.  I've simply become complacent.  And I'm paying the price for being complacent.

Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call in the nick of time, as I want to stay healthy enough to live a longer life than I expect to live, now that I have someone I really care about in my life.  But it will take major changes in my life to do so.  At least, there will be one major non-health related benefit - I will be able to buy a new wardrobe that fits me well and looks better on me.

Sunday, May 5, 2024

California Vacation - Day 02 (Exploring Los Angeles)

 


What's that old song that Nat King Cole sang so well?  In the past 8 months, I've been to the two ends of the "Mother Road", historic Route 66.  From Chicago to LA, more than 2,000 miles all the way.  But I didn't drive it.  I flew....

- - - - - -

This morning, I woke up on a New York City, and not a Los Angeles rhythm.  By my watch, it was 7 am New York Time.  But it was 4 am Los Angeles time.  So, I turned my TV on to watch the talkings heads discuss the upcoming Trump trial of the week, and just as things things were getting interesting - POOF!  The TV was on, but no signal was coming to the TV.  I figured that I might try turning it off and on, but this only made things worse - the TV would not come back on.  (Reminds me of the Cable Box issue I'll be dealing with the day after I get home.)  So I called the main desk and asked them to look at things while I was out for the day.



So, with no fixed plans for the day, I decided to take the bus to the Santa Monica pier and walk around.  If I had gotten there two hours later, things would have been perfect.  But most of the places wouldn't start opening up until 10 am Pacific time, and my body was acting like it was 1 pm Eastern.  This meant that the crowds hadn't yet arrived, and I could see the place without the crowds.


Unfortunately, the pier's carousel wasn't open for business, so I had to get this shot through the windows, rather than from the inside.  At least, I was there about 20 years ago, and the place looks as classic as it did back then.

I saw a couple feeding money into this machine and gave them some advice: Do NOT under any circumstances wish to be BIG.  This machine has a weird sense of humor, as I remember that it granted a child this wish in 1988 and all hell broke loose in his life.  Luckily, he was able to wish himself small again, and there his story ended.


Sadly, as I was walking to the Santa Monica Metro station, I saw one of the many homeless people taking up space on a sidewalk when they should be sheltered in a safe and clean space.  If you look closely enough, you see a man laying on the sidewalk - one homeless person among many that I saw near the beach. Too bad that this problem is nationwide - these people need help, and it's not being provided to them.

Now, I must interrupt the flow of this narrative to mention that I attempted to use LA's "Tap Card" app on my phone, and it worked less often than it didn't.  After having breakfast at Starbucks, I asked one of the hotel staff where I could catch the bus to Santa Monica - and he gave me the wrong bus stop location.  (LA is a suburb in search of a city, and like most people in suburbia, this person was clueless in regard to mass transit.)  Thankfully, both Google Maps and the Transit app gave me better information - I still had to walk an extra two blocks to find the bus stop - which wasn't marked well.  This is when I tried to use the Tap app - and it didn't work.  Instead of holding up the bus (as would happen in NYC) until the fare was paid, the driver told me to take a seat and not worry about it.

When I left Santa Monica, I walked to the Metro station, and voila! - the Tap app worked!  Either something I did was wrong, there was an incompatibility between my phone and the scanner, or there were a lot of bad scanners in the field.  Later on, I only had one successful use of the Tap app (with some help from a Metro system employee), with two F-it's by me and a bus driver.  Next time I visit LA, I'll buy a Tap card instead of using the app, as this is more likely to work properly.  Out of the five times I tried to use the Tap app, it worked for me only once, leaving $13.25 in my account.


After Santa Monica, I decided to go to Downtown LA and visit Union Station and the Olvera Street shopping district.  The last time I was in this area of LA, I was with Ex-GF-M, and she didn't want to go to this section of town because she felt unsafe.  (Ex-GF-M didn't feel safe unless she was in a predominantly Anglo neighborhood, and being surrounded by Mexicans must have frightened her enough to say No.)  This time, I didn't have to deal with her nonsense, and I had a nice time walking through this district and having lunch there.


While there, I stopped to visit the Avila Adobe, a free museum which shows what the oldest house in Los Angeles must have looked like,  For the most part, it reminded me of a larger place in Old Town San Diego.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get here again with RQS, as I think she'd like to have seen in person where I went today,.

All too soon, it was time to leave.  I wanted to get back to the hotel by 3 pm, as I was getting tired.  Instead of going back via Santa Monica (as I might do on another trip), I took the tram heading to Long Beach, with the idea of transferring to the tram heading to the airport.  This is not a trip to do at night, as one passes by a few industrial areas before going through Watts (you can see the towers from the tram), then transferring for another tram at the Rosa Parks Boulevard stop.  Although I felt safe (it was daytime), I don't recommend doing this at night.  Once I got to the Airport station (which is not in the airport), I had to take another bus to get to my hotel.

Arriving at the hotel, I found that my TV still wasn't working.  AARGH!  At least, after 30 minutes of fiddling with the equipment behind the TV, I had TV again, and I could consider stripping for the evening,


Thursday, February 8, 2024

Lunch with RO

 

Somehow, I always seem to find good restaurants in the most unusual places. Qin Dynasty, of Parsippany, NJ is an example of one of these finds.  This restaurant is attached to a Red Roof Inn, and nothing special would catch the eye of most people. But something about this place caught my eye (maybe the words "Dim Sum"?) and I put it on my list of places to try out - and RO and I did so shortly before one of my Autumn cruises.

- - - - - -

Recently, RO and I found the time to get together again, and we chose this place because it was halfway between our two houses.  We were both glad we did so, as we had a very tasty and filling meal for a very reasonable price.  While eating, we caught up on what was going on with each others' lives, with me running on and on about my December cruise. It's nice to know that both of us went into dating to find friends first, and then a mate.  Her body is starting that slow path to breaking down, as she can no longer walk moderate distances anymore.  I'm glad that I didn't choose her for a girlfriend, or I might have ended up like Ex-GF-M.  Luckily, RO has become a good friend, and accepts me as Marian.

When RO and I left the restaurant, we each went our own ways.  I left to see if the Lane Bryant store in Paramus had a double breasted coat I was interested in.  The first thing I did upon entering the store was to look for the coat and try it on.  Although it had a good feel, I decided to pass on it, because of how the buttons worked.  (I didn't like how the inside button was placed.)  At this point, rush hour was starting, so I drove home to spend the rest of the evening.

Thursday, August 17, 2023

A minor disaster before lunch with a friend.

 

About 15 years ago, Ex-GF-M broke the soap dish on the wall on the side of her bathtub.  Today, the same happened to me, as a result of a failure of the adhesive used when this building was erected.  Yes, there is always more to it than a simple answer.  But I was lucky to have the materials around to rig up a temporary cover that should keep this section of wall dry until I can get a handyman to fix it.

My big question is: Why did this section of tile fall off?  No, I am not looking for the simple answer.  I'm looking for the root cause of failure.  Was there a tiny leak that I couldn't see that cause damage to the drywall?  Who knows?  But fixing this will cost me a little bit of money to fix, money that I don't want to spent at this time.

After covering this area with duct tape, and over that, a construction bag to provide two layers of protection, I felt comfortable that I've bought a week or two to find a handyman and then get this job done.  Now, to find that handyman....

- - - - - -

Once I was done in the bathroom, I proceeded to put on my makeup, get dressed, and out the door to see a former coworker for lunch.  My fiend wanted to eat outside, and I chose the Birdsall House in Peekskill.  I remembered that they made a great bowl of chili, so I figured that this would be a nice change of pace for the two of us.

I arrived at the Gastropub shortly before my friend, and sat down at a shady table outdoors.  We ordered our meals, and then started to catch up on things.  We discussed my travels, and her travails.  Let's just say that a problem that she's been dealing with had an unexpected development in her family life that threw her for a loop. While we chatted, a couple of wasps (the flying insect kind, not the type who qualifies for legacy admissions) bothered us enough to take our plates to an inside table where we finished our meal in peace.

All too soon, we had to go.  And for me, it was time to go home and take a nap....

Saturday, July 1, 2023

By the time you read this....

 

By the time you read this, I will have both gone to a doctor to see about my persistent cough and have gone on my California cruise with RQS.  And I'll have much to report when I get back.

I'm not one who is comfortable going to new doctors, dealing with new procedures, etc. when it comes to my health.  So, it took a badly abscessed tooth to get me going to a dentist on a regular basis.  It took me almost getting pneumonia to start seeing my internist on a regular basis.  It took a former girlfriend to get me to see a sleep doctor. And it took a former friend to get me to see a dermatologist (who I should see again soon). As you can guess, I am nervous about going to the Doc in a Box today, and may write another post about it later on.

- - - - - -

Tomorrow, we'll be flying to LA for our cruise.  On our one full free day in LA, we intend to see my uncle, and then do a little of the tourist thing.  Unfortunately, many of the attractions will close at 5 pm, not giving us enough time to do more than one museum or attraction.  But then, I never loved LA.  Its sprawl befits the description, "LA is a suburb in search of a city." I prefer to be in a traditional city.

Afterward, we will go on our cruise and stop in San Francisco for a couple of days. In a way, this trip is our way of connecting with family on the West Coast. First, we'll visit the place where I scattered my late wife's ashes. RQS won't mind that, as I was with her when she scattered her husband's ashes. (Of course, we'll spend the better part of the two days in San Francisco doing the typical tourist thing.) Then we will sail off to San Diego, where we'll meet up with RQS's cousin for the day. And all too soon, we'll be home.

It's been hard to identify why I am ambivalent about taking this trip.  And now I think I've figured it out.  It will likely be the last time I see my uncle while he's alive.  It may be the last time I visit San Francisco and go where I scattered my late wife's ashes.  It may be the last chance that RQS gets to meet her older cousin.  In short, it's a trip with a set of "Lasts" that is giving me a sense of sadness before it begins.

- - - - - -   

A while back, FCP criticized me, saying that I had nothing going on in my life. (I take this slightly out of context, as I don't want to rehash old wounds.)  I think she'd now say that I have a life of my own. It's far from perfect, but it's my life and I'm living it.

RQS makes me glad that she's in my life.  Unlike Ex-GF-M, RQS is willing to try new things when with me.  She is willing to get a little lost along the way, and explore what serendipity brings to us.  Unlike XGFJ, she's willing to force the issue and make me tell her how I feel.  And unlike my relationship with Patty, our relationship is built on solid ground - we both feel secure.  It's a shame that it took me almost 25 years to find a relationship that really works for me. But as they say, "you've got to kiss a few frogs before you find a prince(ss)."  



Thursday, May 18, 2023

Seeing another friend for dinner

 

RQS knows that I have more female friends than male friends, and most of them know me as Marian, even though they know of Mario's existence. Today, I visited one of those friends.

- - - - - -

RO and I have known each other for several years.  We once dated each other, but things didn't work out. When we stumbled across each other a few years later, we developed a friendship and kept in loose touch with each other.  I had my relationship with XGFJ while RO got married to a nice gentleman.  

The last time I met RO in person was last September.  Neither of us realized how long it had been, as both of us had been busy living our lives since then.  RO has retired, while I have taken 3 cruises, as well as a trip to Washington, DC since then.  So we had a lot to catch up on over an early dinner at the same Italian restaurant we've eaten at before.  Both of us have the ailments that come with getting old, and I was reminded of why things didn't work out between us. (I didn't want to be with someone who would have similar health problems as Ex-GF-M was having, and Ex-GF-M's death proved me right.)  Yet, we could be good friends, especially given that RO is a warm and caring person.

All too soon, dinner had to end, and I had to drive home. We agreed to eat at Fuddruckers down the road a piece.  Neither of us like dropping $75 on dinner when we're living on a budget.  So next time, dinner will be much more affordable, and much more casual.  And for me, this will be the first time I will be eating at a Fuddruckers since the last of the New York State (New York City region) restaurants closed years ago.

Considering that I wanted to look at some clothes at Lane Bryant, I took the long way back home through Paramus.  While on the road, I told TCL about another dress store that RQS and I have visited: Karina Dresses. And she looked up the dress pattern that made me think of TCL when I saw it.  Sadly, the dresses were not available in her size for the fabric pattern she liked.  But she will keep an eye on the site for future dresses she might enjoy wearing.

When I got to Lane Bryant, I tried on a couple of dresses.  One was in a pattern and style I liked, and if I didn't have one being shipped to me soon, I would have bought it at the store.  The other left a lot to be desired.  So I left those dresses at the store, and went home for the evening.

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Dropping off some baggage

 

 

This is going to be a short post, as I don't have that much to say today.  RQS and I will soon be going on another cruise, and I'll be dropping my big bag off at her place.  This will make it possible for me to travel to RQS's place the day before our cruise, and then catch an Uber together to the cruise terminal the next morning.

Packing luggage for male or female modes is still an art for me.  I usually pack way too much stuff, and have gotten away with it because I've been traveling on cruise ships or on Amtrak for the past decade. Somehow, I will need to learn how to pack much lighter if I want to do more traveling, as I don't want to get hit with overweight luggage fees when flying on vacation.  Because I am a heavy person, my clothing weighs more than the average person, and I need larger bags to carry the same number of garments.

Losing weight has never been easy for me, and I wish I had never met Ex-GF-M - if only because my food addiction would never have been triggered on a daily basis.  I had lost 70 pounds in a short period of time, and gained them back when with her.  Those pounds have stayed on long since we broke up, and I have to start eating more fruit and vegetables if I'm going to have a shot at weight loss.

But enough of that.

We all have to deal with the baggage from our past.  I have to deal with the memories of things I said to my late wife out of ignorance.  I have to deal with memories of hurting a best friend because I said too much about her life.  And I have to deal with memories of many more things than I want to discuss here.  This is the baggage I'll always have with me.

One thing that my former therapist taught me is that I have to learn how to forgive myself for my screw ups. I can ask others for forgiveness, but it often can't be given.  In the case of the former friend I used to talk about too much in my blogs, she couldn't deal with the pain from her past.  Now, she demands to be in control of people and things, as she fears being hurt by the ones she loves most.  Because of things we have said, neither of us trusts each other, and there is no way to rebuild any semblance of a friendship.  So sad.

In order to move forward in life, one had to drop off baggage in the proper places to move forward.  In the literal sense, I am dropping off a bag at her place, so that I can go on a cruise with her.  In the case of my former friend, I have had to accept the fact that I screwed up, forgive myself, and move forward to new friendships.  

Hopefully, my future will be better than the past I left behind....


Thursday, September 8, 2022

Cleaning up a mess

 

The above is not the mess in my house.  It is a picture of the mess from Ex-GF-M's place AFTER she emptied out a den where she tossed many things after her husband died.  Like me, in grief, she couldn't deal with the effort it takes to keep a place neat and tidy, and let things go to pot.  Even when the big mess is cleaned out, there are smaller messes still left to be taken care of - a process that has to be repeated until a place can be considered neat and tidy.

Lately, RQS has been helping me straighten out my place.  It's been a slow slog for me, as we seem to be taking two steps forward and one step back each weekend.  On my own, I've been trying to take care of things as well.  Today, it was another day where I find myself cleaning up the space around my computer desk.

RQS has described me as a person who can be very organized, but gets overwhelmed by the process of organizing things.  In many ways, I think she's right. Julia Child had a better way of organizing her kitchen than I do for my desk.  On one of her kitchen walls, she had a diagram for each of her kitchen tools.  If she saw the outline, she knew that the tool was either in use, or needing to be cleaned.  I wish I could be that good in organizing things.  

A perfect example of my lack of personal organization is my freezer.  I love to buy certain foodstuffs on sale.  But I never seem to plan far enough in advance to thaw out tasty food - such as strip steaks I buy on sale at Stew Leonard's.  So, by the time I think of having a steak, there is no good way to thaw it out quick enough for me to enjoy it for dinner.  Often, I end up throwing out (formerly) good food, simply because it sat in the freezer too long.  AARGH!

I find it interesting that I can clean up other people's messes, but have a hard time cleaning up my own.  I guess it is how I am wired - if I get too close to things, my ability to make sense of those things is negatively affected.  Instead, I must be disinterested in some way to work effectively.  In the case of my desk, I may be interested too much to do much of anything.  And I may not be interested enough to care much.

Who knows?  I may get this desk straightened out yet.

Sunday, June 19, 2022

A Quick Post - Scheduling dinner at a halfway point

 

Years ago, I dated RO, but dropped her for the same reason I dropped MWL - their hips were out of proportion to the rest of their bodies.  It would be hard for me to get turned on by a woman with those hips, and I didn't want to make the same mistake I made with Ex-GF-M.  However, we have remained good friends and have tried to get together now and then.  (FYI: RO is someone who knows me as Marian, has seen me as Mario, but relates to me as a female.)

Covid-19 put an end to getting together.  No one was going anywhere, and both she and her hubby did their lock down in the Poconos home.  Now that things have opened up again, we have decided to get together again, this time at a restaurant halfway between the two of us.  Since I'll be leaving straight from work, I'll have to fight rush hour traffic to see her.

It'll be nice to get together again.  And I'll be sure to wear a nice dress the day we meet again....  

Thursday, March 3, 2022

Odds and Ends for the month so far

 

Jack Benny.  There is an old joke about him getting mugged.  The mugger says: "Your money or your life," waits a long time for a response from Jack.  The mugger says "Well?" and Jack says: "I'm thinking!  I'm thinking!"  Well, I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, and want to get some off my chest.

- - - - - -

I find it amazing that shortly after I sensed that I had processed much of the grief over losing a relationship with XGFJ, that I started to sense grief welling up from the loss of FCP as a friend.  Yet, this grief was easier to manage, as I didn't have to process other grief at the same time.  There is only so much deep loss a person is equipped to deal with, and I had too much hit me in too short a time.

Things are going well with RQS.  She's far from the type of person I'd seek out.  She's not tall, she doesn't have blond hair, and she lives in an area where car ownership can be a big liability.  So seeing her becomes a scheduling issue - for my car.  Things weren't as bad for me when I dated Ex-GF-M, as her area was less densely populated.

Due to scheduling issues, I've again had to cancel going to some meetups.  Work, Co-Op board issues, and dating have gotten in the way of going to meetups - and I don't mind this too much.

I'm still ambivalent about quitting my job.  I like having new money come into my bank account, as I don't want to drain my savings accounts if I don't have to do so.  Yet, because of issues with my car, I have decided that I must soon start looking for a new car.  I hate doing this now.  But with a car that has 180k miles on the odometer, it's time to do so.  (My issues with the slow leak are the tip of the iceberg in this area.)

Assuming that I quit my job soon, I'm looking at taking a short Bermuda cruise.  Until I make a decision on employment, I won't schedule this cruise.

- - - - - -

As Jack would say: "I'm Thinking...."

Thursday, November 4, 2021

It's Raining!


Yesterday, the weather forecast said that we would get a heavy rain starting tonight and running into overmorrow (an unfortunately obsolete English word meaning: the day after tomorrow).  Given that the forecast calls for 6 inches of rain falling between now and then, I do not plan to "dress pretty" when I go to work for the next 2 days.

- - - - - -

I had some errands I wanted to do after work today, and I was unable to do them, as I wanted to be home before the rains started.  Instead of doing these tasks, I decided to catch up with some people with whom I've been out of contact with for months.

Luckily, I saw that the closet rod in the closet holding my female wardrobe still is in place.  But leaving it in place is only a short term way of dealing with a problem - I need a new rod with a center support, so that I can't overload the rod anymore.  Right now, this is my excuse to fill another "Donation Bag."  and I'm preparing to donate clothes which no longer fit my style and taste.

When I extracted clothes for my first 2 donation bags, I found that I had clothes that I had bought almost a decade ago that I haven't worn in years.  Some of these garments are hard to let go of.  For example, I had 2 Lands End skirts that don't fit my needs anymore.  If I knew I'd be wearing them, I'd keep them in my closet.  But out they go!  The same goes for old shoes and other accessories I don't wear.  Now, I wear clothes which minimize my male pattern body, and emphasize the feminine parts that I should show off.  (Ex-GF-M always said that I have a great pair of legs, so I try to wear clothes which show them off.)

By the time I'm done, I may have 4, 5 or 6 donation bags to go to a good cause.  However, I try not to think of how much money I've spent on women's clothes which do not fit me well enough to keep.  At least, spending this money allowed me to learn what works and what doesn't work on my body.  Cisgender women learn this while they are young Transgender women usually learn this when they are older.  Thankfully, these lessons didn't break the bank....

 

Friday, October 29, 2021

It's been two years...

 


Years ago, Ex-GF-M had a thing for Starbucks Coffee.  Her late husband worked for the firm, and finally had a career that he could excel in.  Sadly for her, he passed away a couple of years before we met, and she was still dealing with her loss at that time.  I broke up with Ex-GF-M because she was a bad influence on me.  It was the toxic effect of an addictive triangle (2 people and a substance - in this case, food) that took a negative effect on me.  When I met XGFJ, I thought she'd be the one.  But it didn't work out.  I lost my former cruise partner as a friend around the same time.  That loss was my fault, and due to gross stupidity.  However, I think she hurts more than I do based on a text she sent me at the end of September.  Too bad that the one person she could once turn to in time of need is the one person she can't turn to now.

- - - - - -

But enough of talking about that part of the past.  Many things have changed, and it is very interesting to look at the past and present to see where things are headed.

For 4 years, America had to suffer with a grifter as head of state.  (I didn't "drink the Kool-Aid" as many "Conservatives" had done.)  His rabid support frightened many people then, and still bothers people today.  There was a collective disbelief that someone they believed to be successful and a great businessman was simply a con artist behind a green curtain. But many people in New York, Atlantic City, and other places where he placed his flag knew him for his questionable business practices and not for traditional measurements of business success.  It seemed like every day a new scandal was erupting, and things got progressively worse.  Relief came when he lost the 2000 election, only because he mishandled the pandemic, causing the economy to crater.

The pandemic started off as if it was a problem local to China.  Little did anyone know how much trouble this virus would cause the world.  I can still remember a meetup group acting as if the virus wasn't dangerous when America started being aware of how many people were starting to get ill and die. Within a week, not only did this group stop meeting, but most businesses shut down for in-person work.  If you could work from home, you did.  Even now, 19 months later, most businesses are not requiring their offices to be fully staffed.  After 19 months, many of us are wearing masks to help prevent disease transmission.  With vaccinations (which people lined up for 6 months ago), many people are assuming that they are safe and catching the virus.  Luckily, most of the vaccinated only experience very mild symptoms.  However, there are selfish fools who remain unvaccinated, and this is causing our hospitals to be flooded with Covid patients.  Now, it looks like Covid will be around forever, but will be managed (for most of us) with regular booster shots.

Due to the pandemic, last year's baseball season was shortened to 60 games, with few people allowed to attend the games.  (Attendance was permitted for the people on the field, the TV crews, and security guards.)  At the beginning of this season, some cities were restricting attendance to a socially distanced few, gradually allowing more and more people to attend as long as they could show proof of vaccination.  Yet, there are some athletes who still want to remain unvaccinated, and are prohibited from working out or playing with their teams in their home cities.

In the period since the pandemic started, we have suffered a series of supply chain issues which are causing prices for many goods to go up.  Last year, with poor demand for automobiles, my brother was able to snag a late model car from a car rental agency for 25% less than the same car would sell for today.  Recently, a coworker flew to Hawaii on vacation, and found out that the normal car rental places had nothing to rent - a year ago, they had sold off their inventory to pay their bills.  Now, the rental car companies can't buy enough cars to refurnish their fleets, as the car manufacturers can not get the computer chips needed to build their cars.  (This is yet another pandemic related supply chain issue....)

Before the pandemic, I used to go on a cruise one or twice each year.  Last year, the tourist industry had to slam on the brakes and shut everything down in a two week period.  People were stranded overseas waiting to be repatriated to their home countries.  With one cruise ship, our former president decided to keep it from docking at its port of origin, so that he could keep our Covid infection numbers low.  Eventually, reality set in, and this ship made it to a nearby port.  Yet, many people had stranger journeys to make it home from overseas.  MWL recounted that the pandemic hit in the middle of an overseas trip, and that returning home was a confusing mess.  

Once the tourist doors were slammed shut, only a limited few people were allowed to make their way across borders.  For example, there were Canadian doctors and nurses who worked in the USA - they were allowed to cross.  But there were other essential people crossing the border, such as truck drivers making deliveries across borders, and Americans doing a land transit through Canada to reach Alaska.  The loss of the tourist trade hurt people on both sides of the border, Alaska and Canada's Maritime Provinces lost out on over a year's worth of tourist money - and the affected people will likely be affected for years.

However, things are returning to a new normal.  The US has allowed foreign flagged ships to sail to Alaska from Seattle, so that Alaska doesn't lose two years of tourist business.  Long delayed movies are finally making it to theaters.  I just saw the new James Bond flick, and can't wait to see the new Ghostbusters flick when it comes out.  I've started going out as Marian much more often, and feel comfortable traveling in both presentations.  I guess it's because I've been able to live much of my life as Marian over the past 19 months, and have a better idea of how much Marian (and Mario) means to me....



Sunday, October 17, 2021

I'm Tired!


"I'm Tired."  It's hard to believe that this song still makes me chuckle in the decades after "Blazing Saddles" was released.  It's tame enough that it could be played on broadcast TV.  Yet, the best gags are adult in nature.  

- - - - - -

If I weren't working a full time job, I'd be able to go to sleep late at night, and wake up when I feel rested.  This is not the case.  I have to be in at 8:00 am, and then make it look like I'm fully conscious until I leave for the day.  Today was a little worse than usual.  I had an interrupted sleep the night before, and I was finding it harder than usual to stay reasonably conscious.

When the day ended, I had to rush home to deal with a problem with my cable bill/payment, and rushed home to change before going to the cable store.  And even then, I couldn't get the problem resolved....  I may have made things worse by issuing a second payment on the account to bring it somewhat current, as the fellow at the store gave me an issue about this second payment.  

Payments: 

09/20 - $275 (not processed by cable)
10/04 - $300 (not processed by cable - I wasn't sure of exact amount and wanted to overpay.)
10/07 - $275 (processed by cable, not yet recorded at the bank.)

The first two payments were issued from my main bank's portal. The third was made from the cable company portal, drawn on a second bank.  

So now, I have to bring records from the 2 banks, plus a screen print from the cable company's site to the cable store to see what can be done.  This is going to be a big pain in the ass for me tomorrow, as I have to go to Mavis for car service, to a vaccination center for a Covid booster shot, and then to the cable store.  And after all of this, I go to see MWL!  

- - - - - -

Why do I mention MWL right now?  Tonight, we were far from the same wave length when I wanted to talk about this problem.  She wasn't trying to over analyze the problem as TCL does.  But she was being fatalistic in ways that bother me.  (I'm having a hard time trying to describe her "ethnic" style of communication, but it's a style that bothered me with Ex-GF-M.)  When I see her, I'll have to apologize for being a little testy when talking with her, as I was not in the best of moods....


 

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Sadness about a poor investment of time - and more.


The other day, I decided to let go of my past. Specifically, I decided to treat my past with XGFJ as a bad investment of 5 years of my life, and to make sure that I move on without any further comments from this peanut gallery. To do this, I sent the following email:

I just wanted to let you know that I was going to do you one last favor. Instead of going to the meetup on the 18th that you bailed out on, I was going to change my plans and go elsewhere to have a good time. I'd rather remember you for the person I thought you were, then the person you became in my eyes. Seeing you there would have only made me feel that I wasted 5 years of my life caring for someone who couldn't bear to let go of me earlier than she did. I was in your position once, and it took me 8 years to let go of Ex-GF-M. I only wish I could have done that sooner, and not caused Ex-GF-M as much pain as I did when I let go of her. Strangely enough, Ex-GF-M and I ended up becoming friends again towards the end of her life. That is something I can be happy about.

Earlier this month, I wrote to you to say that I'm sorry for my part in our dispute regarding meetups. Your response, perfectly timed to upset me on my birthday, showed a lot of unresolved feelings about our past. I feel that upsetting me was your plan, even though I tried to bury the hatchet one last time. For the past several months, if I thought of you, it was only in the present tense and in regard to the meetup groups. I no longer feel anything (save infrequent sadness and loss) for the 5 years we were together. In order to finish my process of letting go, I forgive you for causing me pain and discomfort. Forgiveness will help me move on to a much better relationship than the one we had.

It might surprise you to hear me say that you were right - we must come to an agreement in regard to the meetup groups. In the unlikely event that I choose to go to your dinner group, I will go as Mario as you wanted. However, that leaves the other groups open. Marian will choose to go to those groups as she sees fit, as I am known as Marian in these groups. My attempts to register for a meeting of any shared group was simply to get in while there was still room, and not have to be on the wait list. I was not out to prevent you from going to these groups' meetings - they are open to the public upon registration.. Right now, I certainly don't want to see you when I go, and you certainly don't want to see me. If there is a good way to do this while sharing the groups, I'd like to hear of it.

No response regarding our past is needed or wanted. I miss the friendship part of our relationship, and I'd bet that you do too. Sadly, that chapter in our lives was over and done with when we couldn't come to an agreement about the meetup groups. I will always treat you with respect if/when our paths happen to intersect.


Although XGFJ sent me a curt response to tell me that her mom may have been exposed to COVID and that I sent a quick, one sentence reply to wish her mom a speedy recovery, this may likely be my last communication with her.  In order to move on, I had to accept that it was a poor investment of 5 years to care for a person who didn't have the sense of ethics I needed in a love interest. If you were to read both my short term blog (which is not accessible to the public) and some of this blog, you'd have seen that I was angry at XGFJ due to her refusal to share several meetup groups. The isolation of the pandemic made things much worse for me.  Although I never betrayed XGFJ, I did make her aware that I would do so if needed after her threat to betray me in a Facebook chat.  So she acted first, and betrayed me twice, by outing me to several friends in her circle.  It is due to this lack of ethics that I consider the 5 years we spent together as wasted time.

Recently, I talked with one of the one of the two Clinical Social Workers I've dated recently.  When I discussed the note above, she mentioned that XGFJ must have at least one of the "3 S's" to have such an extreme aversion to Marian - Sad, Scared, and Shamed.  I know she must have been sad at one point.  And I know that she was ashamed to be associated with Marian.  Even more, I'd bet that she was scared that others would find out about our connection.  When we first met, I introduced XGFJ to the polyamorous people who taught me that good communication and honest negotiation was essential for healthy relationships. Sadly, I had grown over the years that I dated XGFJ, but she didn't grow along with me. And this conversation with a friend only confirmed this feeling.

I doubt that I will have anything more to say about XGFJ in future posts.  I'll be surprised if she were to respond to the above email with anything worth reading. Her recent emails lead me to think that she had many repressed complaints about me that she never brought up properly while in our relationship.  I was only aware of one or two - only after it was way too late to change things while in the relationship.  In many ways, her complaints about our relationship were too little, too late.  And now, they only can serve as things to watch out for in future relationships.

- - - - - -

One of the things XGFJ brought up in her laundry list of complaints was that I had already started dating before the pandemic locked things up for a while. Although the first woman I dated was a nice person, it didn't work out. She knew up front that she couldn't deal with my nature. And I respect her for letting me know this up front, instead of taking several years to figure this out.  Now that I've dated someone nice, I'm hoping I won't have the same reaction when I tell her about the other side of me.  But I'll always wonder - in her heart, did XGFJ feel that like a previous pause in our relationship, that we'd still be friends long enough to reawaken a romance?  There were several things she said in our message exchanges that lead me to believe that this could have been the case.  Sadly, once we had our arguments over the meetup groups, this could no longer be the case - I had to move on with my life and only hope that we could be friends someday.  My romantic needs would have to be filled elsewhere, and reopening my dating site accounts would be something I needed to do.

The pandemic is getting in the way of socialization.  Many people may be scared of dating, knowing how bad COVID is, and would rather stayed hunkered up at home until things pass.  Others are afraid to have outdoor meals with small groups of friends, much less with meals eaten inside restaurants running with 50% of indoor capacity due to COVID restrictions. Many churches have not reopened for public services, nor have many non-profits opened for in-person business.  Until there is a vaccine, or that the virus has been subdued nationwide to the degree it has been subdued in upstate New York, people will rightfully be scared to associate with others in person.  

Right now, I am feeling a little sad, as my life is not firing on all of its cylinders. I am glad that I know that things will get better for me in the future. I hope that the COVID scare regarding her mom is a false alarm.  If not, I hope that she recovers and lives to be 100. But I will not bother to find out more. The friendship with XGFJ was over the day she made a big stink about the meetups, and I wish her the best. Most of all, I hope to find someone who can accept me in my bi-gendered nature and appreciate what we have in each other.  It would be nice to have someone who loves me for who I am, and not for an idealistic image of a person I could never be.   

 .



Friday, December 6, 2019

Thanksgiving - And nothing got in the way to mar it except traffic.


I'm not sure of what I can and should say about today.  Nothing bad happened.  But part of me would rather have stayed in Westchester and taken advantage of an invite I had to spend the day with my friends from Game Night.

- - - - - -

Not sleeping well last night, I set the alarms to get me moving around 11 - and slept through my favorite TV show of the day.  I prefer the fictional courtroom drama of Perry Mason to the real life political drama going on today.  There is a part of me that always wants to see justice done, and real life doesn't provide enough of that for my taste.  By the time I finally got out the door, it was 1 pm, and I was about an hour late.

My drive to Long Island was uneventful until I reached the Bronx.  From there, traffic slowed to a crawl, and I was forced to get on side streets to make it to the bridge.  Once I was across the bridge, I went back onto side streets again to make it to my brother's place, arriving there at 3 pm, when I was expected at 2.  This was not a problem, as my brother had already picked up my dad from the nursing home, and the turkey was almost cooked.

We chatted about many things, and brought my dad back to the nursing home around 8.  One area of discussion covered addiction, choice of mate, and how relationships flounder. And that gave me an opening to discuss my criteria for choosing my late wife, my issues with Ex-GF-M, and some of the issues GFJ and I are having with each other.  (By my mention of complacency in the relationship, I avoided the need to talk about my transgender nature.) He touched on similar issues he had with his wife.  And we both (at different times) brought up our problems with my niece to make sure that she knows when to cut and run from a dysfunctional relationship.

Eventually, it was time to go home. And I hit only one small traffic jam on the way home.  On the whole, it was a good day - especially, since my brother was able to open up to me and that I didn't have to see my sister in law as expected.  (Nothing against her, save that her presence would have gotten in the way of my chat with my brother.)


Monday, October 21, 2019

A busy Middle of the week.


The day of the dead is coming up, and it gave me the inspiration to use this picture taken at a recent meetup to start the post.    Next time I'm in the place, I'll get a better shot of the painting....

- - - - - -

Tuesday was a busy day for me.  Not only did I have a LGBT Career Fair in NYC that I planned to attend, but I also had dinner with the Beacon Dining Meetup group.  I'd be putting in a lot of miles on the car by the time I was home for the night.

My alarm woke me up around 8:00, but I didn't bother getting up quickly.  Yet, I was catching up with things on my computer when the second alarm rang 30 minutes later.  So when I turned off this alarm, I dismissed all waiting alarms for the day, went back to the computer, and sat at my desk until 10:00.  Then and only then did I relax for about 45 minutes before I started to get ready to go into NYC.

I wasted a lot of time preparing for the career fair, and didn't have that many dresses available to me that I'd want to wear on an interview.  And I settled on a black dress that, accessorized correctly, could be worn formally or casually depending on the nature of the occasion.  So, shortly after 11:00, I started in to NYC, and arrived at the LGBT Center a little after 1:00.

This year's career fair was more crowded than in years before.  This time, it was even more focused for the needs of young adults (which is what I'd want if I were running things) and not old ladies trying to reenter the workforce.  My old employer was there, and I was tempted to stop by and chat.  But, given that if I were to end up getting a job with them (an extremely unlikely event), I'd lose my pension benefits.  And that's not going to happen if I can help it.  Unfortunately, this visit to NYC was a waste of time, save for something unrelated to job searches....

If I decide to take the subway into NYC, I usually try to park near Ex-GF-M's place.  The neighborhood is safe (as far as I can tell), and nearby parking is usually available.  When I returned from Manhattan, I decided to look inside the windows of her old place.  Inside, I saw that the old oak floors had been torn up (3 dogs not walked enough did a lot of damage), and plywood was laid where solid oak floors once were.  Ex-GF-M's brother was right when he said that the entire building had to be gutted - the place was a disaster with I last saw Ex-GF-M alive, and I can only imagine the problems that he and his sister are having dealing with the estates of Ex-GF-M's mother in law and Ex-GF-M.  I'm glad that this is not my headache!

Next, it was home to get comfortable for an hour, and then to make it to the Meetup.  I was lucky enough to be seated near two new members, and had an opportunity to speak a bit with one of them.  This lady (who I'll call R for now) is a divorcee and attends a few meetups, one of them being GFJ's dining meetup.  I'll have to be very careful about what I say when with her, as I don't want to relate GFJ's story in any way - for her privacy and mine.  The second lady (who I'll call D for now) and I chatted on our way to our cars.  Hopefully, both ladies will be back soon.

All too soon, it was time to leave.  I tried to reach GFJ again, but her phone must have been in use.  If my former friend and I didn't have our blowout, I'd have given her a call.  But I'm not going to do that.  Instead, I'll remove her number from my car's speed dial, and then find a way to block her calls if she tries to call me.  I don't need her drama, and she doesn't really want my friendship on reasonable terms.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Wednesday came, and I didn't bother going to the bank in the morning as I planned.  Instead, I didn't wake up until 11:00, and dillydallied until 2:00.  Then I got dressed and went to the LGBT center to do my volunteer stint.  This week, it was checking out the prices of books, so that the center could sell the "valuable" ones via Amazon.  I've done this before, and it's a time consuming, mindless task.  But it does help, as they make a few dollars each time they sell a book.  Every dollar helps....

When I was done at the center, I went home and took care of some long neglected laundry.  By the time I was done, it was a little after 9:00, and I laid down to rest.  GFJ called me around 10:00, and we chatted for a while.  I mention this, as she will be going away tomorrow morning, and it'll be much harder for us to chat while she's away attending a wedding in North Carolina.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

I was already awake for a couple of hours when GFJ called me on Thursday morning.  She called at the wrong time - just as Perry Mason was about to reveal "who did it."  But I was not annoyed.  Instead, I was glad that she thought of me before spending another 6-7 hours on the road with her sister.

Eventually, I started getting ready to go out.  Around 12:30, I got moving and took my shower for the day and started getting dressed.  However, I had to start the day out as Mario, as I had to visit a bank branch to take care of a matter that required face to face contact with a service representative.

I was dressed and out the door by 1:15 or so.  Since the bank is down the hill from me, I figured that I'd be back home with more than enough time to change into Marian mode and make it to speech therapy - and I was right.  I met with the platform officer, and the bank paperwork took me about 15 minutes. I had everything ready to go, and all I had to do was answer the usual KYC (Know Your Customer) questions used to make sure I'm on the up and up (no money laundering allowed) AND to get marketing information so that they can sell me new products.

After a quick change, I was out the door as Marian around 2:30, and down at Mercy at 3:00.  No matter how much I mark 3:00 in my schedule, I'm likely thin that the session starts at 3:30, as that was the original schedule for the start of the weekly session.  This week, the session used a computer, a microphone, and some software to help show me where my voice was going.  I was well into the androgynous pitch range, reaching some tones that typical cisgender males don't reach.  So I have gotten much better since I first started down the path to have a feminine voice.

- - - - - -

Once done at Mercy, I decided to drive over to Central Avenue to see if the Yonkers Avenue store was still in business - it was not.  So I went over to the bookstore to get a cup of coffee and to kill time.  While there, I got into a conversation with a lady at a neighboring table, and our chat was going very well until her son called.  That was my cue to leave for game night.  So I bid her a fond adieu, and trekked over to Stew Leonard's to pick up something for the gang to nibble on. And then, it was over to play games.

As usual, I did poorly with the games.  But, I enjoyed myself.  Once done playing games, I chatted with the hostess about my recent interview and about my low-key job search.  She gave me some ideas of what to say in a cover letter, so that my resume would be seriously examined, in order to get me an interview.  If I could get that, I'd have a shot at getting the job.  After telling the hostess that I'm now interviewing as Marian, she noted that in many non-profits, that my transgender status would not be a problem.  Hopefully, she's right.  It'd be nice to get a job working as Marian on a regular schedule.





It might be the last sample sale for Universal Standard in Manhattan

  The other day, I received an email from Universal Standard saying that they would be holding a sample sale this weekend.  Given that the f...