A thought about a past love

 

 

I was going through my library of photos a while back. When I stumbled across this picture, I decided to scan it.  This was an act of providence, as I now have no idea where this picture was hidden by my pooka. 

The above picture of CSN was taken over 40 years ago, and it reflects an image of a woman I once loved when she was in her youth.  We were never meant to be together.  She wanted a man who could climb the corporate ladder to the top, and I wanted to climb to the top of the technology ladder.  Yet, I was poorly placed to achieve my dream, and I had no mentor to help guide me to where I wanted to go.  In short, youth did not give me the lens to understand the path in life I'd take, and I may have ignored any advice I might have received if any had been given.  This woman may have achieved more in her life. But, given what little I have found out over the years, I'm not sure if she led a happy life.

Why do I bring up this woman?  Well, our romance was one of those whirlwind things that started up quickly, and ended just as quickly.  It was zero to sixty in 3 seconds, then sixty to zero in another 3 seconds.  We had chemistry, but I was wise enough to realize that a relationship between people like us would be a train wreck.  But I digress....

The two of us were madly in love, and we had started to shop for places to live.  One day, I stayed overnight, but brought nothing to wear the next day.  This wouldn't be a problem most of the time, but she wanted to present an image - so she handed me one of her sweaters to present a new image for the day, and out the door we went.  Little did she know that this would be the first time I'd venture out in any woman's garment in public.  (Yes, I know that sweaters can be unisex, but that's not the point here.)  I wonder what she would think about me now, if she knew that I look better as a fat female than I do as a fat male. 

Occasionally, I do a Google search to see if any new information has popped up on the web about her.  In the past, I found that she sold fruit at a weekly farmer's market held at a church in Putnam county.  I also found that she once owned a small farm in Northern Dutchess county. But through it all, she has cobbled together some money teaching economics at colleges through the New York City area.  Given what I remember of her these reviews of her class fits the model of her style I have in my mind: 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECO202

😖awful

Sep 22nd, 2020

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: Yes

Online Class: Yes

I cant believe how unclear all her instructions are. Just started taking her course at DCC online during Covid. Her grammar is terrible. Even on quizzes I cannot understand sentences or questions. Directions are usually a small sentence that gives no structure, then she gives a bad grade on the assignment when it doesnt meet her standards. 2/10

Get ready to read

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON102

😖awful

May 15th, 2020

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

She's an awful professor. I didn't even sign up for her class but got put in it because of COVID. I couldn't understand a word she said and her slides were so unhelpful. None of her grading criteria made sense to me and she didn't post the homework, only that it was due. I would never take this person's class again even if it meant I can't graduate.

Graded by few things

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON101

😖awful

Nov 27th, 2019

For Credit: Yes

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Mumbles when she speaks. I promise you won't learn one thing from this class, and she has a sleepy time voice!! Very boring.

Lecture heavy

0

0

 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

5.0

ECON101

😖awful

Oct 20th, 2016

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Absolutely horrible teacher, she mumbles and you can barely understand her, doesn't thoroughly explain anything, she loses your work and your grades regularly. She plays movies and falls asleep in the middle of class. Highly recommend you stay very far away from her class.

Tough Grader LOTS OF HOMEWORK/TEST HEAVY

3

0

Yes, a person who doesn't communicate well will likely also have train wreck romances.  In my case, I found this person to be "full of herself."  I can easily believe that she falls asleep during class, as I'd bet she feels that that teaching Economics 101 is beneath her, because she feels that she should have a tenured position as a prestigious university. Yet, there is a part of me that would get a kick out of auditing her course in person after the pandemic ends, just to see what she has become since we were in contact.  Would she even recognize me after the decades?  Would the similarity of my male and female names trigger a memory for her? I doubt it....

 

 

 

 

I'm either getting forgetful, or my Pooka was getting bored.

Elwood P. Dowd and Harvey.  This is a picture of cinema's most endearing couple.  Yes, they are likely a "same sex" couple, but not a "same species" couple.  Never once was Elwood known to say anything bad about his favorite pooka.  This is better than most couples I have come into contact with over the years.

- - - - - -

When I woke up this morning, I was still sleep deprived from last night.  Yet, I had to get moving and out of the house a bit early, as my cleaning lady was likely to come today.  (It has been 6 weeks since her last visit, and I have gotten used to her missing a visit now and then.)  So, I got showered and dressed, did some last minute straightening up the clutter in my apartment, and went out the door to have lunch with Vicki #2.

It normally takes me about a little over a half hour to reach Hastings on Hudson. So I took it slow, and overshot the town a little on the way there.  Yet, I still made it to the place with time to spare.  Vicki sent me a message, asking if we were still on for today, and I messaged her to let her know where I was.  So she rushed from her place, and met me about 15 minutes later.

Wild Culture Waffles is a little shop set in the rear of Hastings' former movie theater.  It's a pleasant place to pick up a specialty waffle with a cup of coffee to wash it down.  It is not a place for a "real" lunch, and it is not a place likely to do well in the winter.  There are no tables inside the building where one can sit.  The only tables are outside, exposed to both cold and heat. This is why other coffee shop like places tended to fail before in this location, and why I expect this business to fail once the weather gets a little colder.

Vicki and I talked about many things.  But I dominated the chat today, talking about issues and events I've reported in this (and my previous) blog.  Thankfully, she didn't shut me down.  I needed someone not too close to me to tell me that I wasn't getting crazy myself - and she did just that.

Around 2:45, Vicki noticed the time, and said that we should get going.  I barely had enough time to get to Mercy for my weekly session.  Before I left her, she mentioned that she was usually free at this time of day, and that we could make this a regular occurrence when I am in her area.  And then, I was on the road.  I took a little bit of a chance driving to Dobbs Ferry, as I had to get around a bus (not a school bus) that I knew would have a very slow acceleration time.  Although nothing happened, it was a little too close for comfort if I had thought about things.  At least, I made it to Mercy on time.

Arriving at Mercy, I couldn't find the check I usually have in hand to pay for my session.  I spent some of the time I saved in driving there to find a missing check.  So I told the center that I'd make a two week payment the following week.  After 45 minutes, my session was over, and it was time to go home.  Little did I realize it then, I was in for the night, as I took a needed nap, waking up around 7:30.  At least, I found out that my pooka had played a mind trick on me.  I looked at my checkbook and found that I didn't write a check for this week's session.  And now, I was much more at ease....

I started the day with some bad news

Last night, I sent an email just to touch base about the job interview I had a month ago.  This morning, I received my reply - I was no longer being considered for the position.  Since I didn't absolutely need the job, it shouldn't bother me much.  However, I do feel a little bit of a sting due to the feeling of rejection.  Whether I was rejected because I was transgender, or if they found a better candidate shouldn't be an issue.  But I'd love to know that answer if it was appropriate for me to ask it.

- - - - - -

Misplacing things has always been a problem for me.  I have often dealt with it by buying extra stuff, so that I can find what I need when I need it - without having to organize my environment beforehand. Now that I don't have "excess" money coming in, one of the things I have to do is develop better habits for where I temporarily store things that I bring into the house.  The other day, I brought in a prescription I took home from the drug store, and do not remember what became of it.  Did I combine the pills with the ones remaining from my old prescription?  Or, did I misplace them in one of my rooms?  If the former, I'll have no evidence that I did so.  If the latter, the pills will show up some time in the future.

Just before I left for my weekly speech therapy session at Mercy, I found the pills that "My Pooka" hid from me.  (I'm always joking about a mischievous pooka when I'm missing something I know I have in my apartment. Just don't call him "Harvey".  Harvey hangs out with Elwood P. Dowd.)  And I was able to leave for Dobbs Ferry with a more relaxed attitude.  While on the way down, I remembered that I had to schedule my yearly physical with my doctor.  Since his office closes at 3:00, I pulled off at a highway exit, made the call, and got back on the road, losing only a couple of minutes.

Arriving at Mercy a little after 3:00, I worked with the two student clinicians.  If my voice is recorded on the iPad they use, much of my masculine vocal resonance is captured and magnified.  But if recorded on a cell phone's voice mail, my voice almost sounds feminine.  There is still a lot of work that has to be done.  But I know that a reasonably feminine voice can come from my voice box, given the voice of a famous transgender woman who was well known when I was young.

I drove back to my apartment to kill a couple of hours, and then drove down to Yonkers for the weekly round of board games.  For once, I won a game - a round of "Exploding Kittens".  And I didn't do too badly in the other games either.  But my mind was elsewhere - I was checking the news and email quite a bit on the phone.  (It didn't help that the host's daughter wanted to join in a couple of games, and she was another distraction to deal with.)  Yet, I enjoyed myself, and will miss the camaraderie of the group for the next 3 weeks.  While playing games, I had a quick message exchange with JS.  Seems like our daytime get together this weekend is off - she is seeing a couple of real estate agents on Saturday.  I guess financial reality is catching up with her after all....