It was my first full weekend without GFJ, and I wanted someone special to be with....

 

t was the day after Xmas and GFJ dropped her bombshell.  I couldn't say that it was completely unexpected.  But 5-6 years after leaving her husband, 1 year after her divorce, GFJ started to think about what she wanted in her life in the future.  I was just a place holder until she was ready to start thinking carefully about what she'll do for the rest of her life.

When I got home, I said some very stupid things, and I knew she had to be upset from her style of texting on the other side of the connection.  So we both decided to break away for the evening, and we connected once for a very short exchange of texts - she was still hurt and still processing her feelings.  In a way this was good - she couldn't say what she needed to say in person, and I got the chance to accidentally vent before thinking about what I was saying.  We both were hurting, and in the end, it's a good thing, as it forces us to look at any friendship we will have from a different perspective.

The big thing that frustrates me is - she knew what I am going into our relationship, and kept going with me for as long as she did.  If it was love she had, she did not give me a chance to know something was wrong when I could have slowed down my journey towards being Marian. And I had opened up my heart enough to hurt a bit when she dropped her bombshell.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

On Friday, other than the short message exchange, I did nothing all day.  If it weren't for bathroom visits and the need to eat, I'd have stayed in bed all day.  This didn't mean I slept all day.  Instead, I was reading a book due back to the library on Saturday - Good Economics for Hard Times.  It's an easily readable book that examines why people do not act as pure economic models expect they'd act.

When I looked at my face in the mirror during one of my bathroom visits, I noticed a few black hairs over my upper lip.  This means I will consider going to the laser place again to get a quick zapping for these hairs.  While looking at my face, I noticed some facial dark spots from where I had the dermatologist remove the big liver spots from my face.  Since I can no longer contact my former cruise partner and ask her for a little bit of information, I guess that I'll have to do without a long delayed follow-up visit to this doctor.  (Maybe I can call the practice in Mt. Kisco and find out whether the dermatologist on staff is the same man that I saw several years ago.  Any ideas from my readers?)

Since the news is so depressing these days, I couldn't bear to watch most of the movies on cable.  The TV Westerns have started to bore me a little.  So, for noise, I've left the shopping channel on, listening to the ladies selling women's clothing.  If you want truly forgettable media on TV, this is the stuff for you. Advertising 24x7, 363 days/year.  The only 2 days the channel isn't selling things are Thanksgiving and Christmas.   You can guess how much of a funk I was in....

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Saturday came, and I ended up barely eating anything during the day.  JS had contacted me, suggesting that we go to a movie - and I said OK.  She's feeling a bit down.  Her daughter is off her meds and needs serious help.  Her son needs to find work.  And she's killing herself with a job way too far from home.

Late last night, I sent a simple, short apology to GFJ for what I said to her the other night in that message exchange.  I haven't heard from her yet, and I doubt that I will hear from her anytime soon.  Thinking a little more about the past few months with her, I feel that she was more threatened than she'd admit about me developing as Marian.  Could she risk the possibility of me breaking a promise and going 24x7?  Once she fully realized that I was developing friendships with people like JS who saw me only as Marian, this catalyzed everything that went on in her head in the last few months of our relationship.  Too bad that I hadn't picked up on this earlier - it would have made things much easier for me to deal with, even if there is no right time to do so.

If GFJ and I are no longer friends because of my stupidity, I'll hold off from going to events where she might be present.  I certainly won't go to her "weekly group" meetings out of respect for her.  But I will consider theater groups if they are on my side of the Hudson.  She was right in one respect - she is much more of an outdoors person than I am. I won't be going to any of the hiking events that she enjoys so much. (I wouldn't even know how to start.) After seeing what a tick bite that she got on her property did to her, there's no way I want to deal with that kind of problem alone.  (At least she has a network of people who can help her out in time of need - I don't, and probably never will.)

- - - - - -

But back to JS.  She's the type of person who needs good friends, but is afraid of what will happen if she takes good advice.  The financial planner she once visited told her to sell the house and immediately retire to Florida.  Her son and daughter would have to fend for themselves.  The way JS is going, she'll drive herself into the grave, only postponing the day of reckoning for her kids.

By the time I made it to Ridgefield, JS had gone to the theater and found that the movie was sold out.  Instead, we changed our plans and went to the Hunan Noodle Bar for dinner.  The Thai Curry Seafood dish I had was yummy.  If I didn't have a bite on the way over to see JS, I'd have finished it all.  Instead, I had leftovers.

JS's situation is killing her. The job she has is killing her, as she's finding out that it's not a place to be.  She may know how to run a religious school, but she doesn't know how to run her life.  Her daughter doesn't bother to refill her prescriptions, and drops off her meds when they run out. And there are no consequences - JS takes care of this and other tasks that one would expect a 21 year old to manage for herself.  How else can the daughter learn, if mommy will clean up the daughter's mess every time?

On the way home from Ridgefield, I realized that I dodged a bullet.  If I had met her as Mario, I might have considered dating her because I was lonely.  And she's the kind of needy person who can suck the life out of you if you let her do so.  Until events force her to make the hard decisions she needs to make, both JS and her daughter's situation will continue to get worse.

- - - - - -

Instead of going straight home, I took the long way back home.  Thinking back on things, I think that when I found the job working for the census bureau and intended to go in as Marian, that this helped push GFJ into thinking that I can't stop my progress towards living as Marian 24x7.  What she didn't understand (if she read my old blog) was that there was one thing that made life as Mario enjoyable - the ability to have romance.  And that was worth NOT living 24x7.  But she couldn't help but be afraid that I could continue down my path and not be Mario for her.

Since GFJ has not bothered to contact me since I sent my apology message, I plan to compose and send one last message sometime early in the new year.  Since she was crying the last time I saw her, I realize that it took her a lot more emotional energy than expected to say that things were over. So instead of saying it in person, she felt that she had to finish the job in a message.

My response to her final breakup message must have hurt her to the core - in a way, I was the third person to betray her without meaning to do so.  My last message will note that she has not gotten back to me since the other day, that I will have to assume that she no longer wants any contact.  But I will also say that if she wants me as a friend, she will have to reach out - I do not want to hurt her any more than I have done so already by making another move.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday is often called "the Lord's Day" and I had to consider whether I'd be attending church in the morning. And given how I was feeling, I decided to take a pass.  I needed to get a little more sleep, given how screwed up my sleep patterns have been lately.  Since I had a brunch appointment with my former student clinician and her supervisor, I figured I could nap for another 2 hours and still be ready for 1 pm in Rockland County.

My plans were changed again by a text message - the former student clinician's best friend got into an accident and was in a hospital upstate.  So I texted that I wouldn't be going, and suggested that we reschedule for next week.  Hopefully, the supervisor got the message - she never seems to answer my texts, yet she is in contact with the student clinician.

At the same time as the above text exchange, I got a message from JS - she still wanted to see Little Woman and get together for lunch and we agreed to do this.  I started to get ready around 1 pm, and had just come out of the shower when JS called - she had broken a tooth, and wouldn't be able to make it today.  Since I really wasn't in the mood to see her a second day in a row, I was secretly happy, yet a little sad for her.  Hopefully, she'll be able to get her mouth patched up for an affordable cost. (Knowing what I know about dental costs, it'll be another $3,000 that she can not afford to spend. I feel sorry for any man who chooses to date her.)

So, at 2 pm, I turned on the movie channel and went to sleep for another 4 hours.  This is certainly not the way I want to spend my days.  It's too soon for me to seriously go out into the dating scene.  And when I do, I'll need a strategy to deal with the fact that I am transgender and currently live two lives.  I want a companion with whom I can go through life, and it doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon.


- - - - - -


PS: I told my friend Vicki about GFJ, and she had the same thoughts as I did.  Our romance was simply something to tide her through the times she was dealing with being separated from her husband.  Once the divorce came through, she had to figure out what she really wanted from life, and I was never going to be in her plans, given a prior breakup 4 1/2 years ago. So I know NOT to expect too much from her if we were to reconnect as friends.

I did plenty of nothing, and nothing's plenty for me!

Today was a day that didn't lend itself to going outside.  The forecast called for a wintry mix, with about 3/8" of ice being deposited on everything.  This was not weather to drive in, and this made it a good day to stay inside - which I did.

Although I could have done a load of laundry, that would have meant getting dressed.  That's something which was not in the cards for today.  So the hamper continued to hold a load of clothes which could get done at anytime this week.  Given the choice between getting out of a warm bed on a cold day or staying comfortable, you can guess what my choice would be.

Later in the afternoon, I got an email asking me whether an 11:45 start time for speech therapy would be good for me, and I responded with a "Yes."  When I checked my schedule, I noticed a meetup I had scheduled for a Saturday afternoon in January - I had a timing conflict.  Sadly, I will miss this foodie meetup.  But I will continue on my path to developing a more feminine voice - and that's the more important thing to do in my opinion.

- - - - - -

Watching the news today, I become more and more afraid that we are heading down the path to a not so civil war.  Most of us would admit that we are in the middle of a cultural war.  America is polarized as it has been in only one other period in history, and that ended with the Civil War.  Whether or not one is a Republican or Democrat, this is not a good sign for us transgender folk.

The more I find out about what's going on in Washington, the more I worry.  In the past, I'd merely get upset at the "opposition party".  But now it gets my blood boiling.  I have to change the channel as soon as I turn it on.  And that's not good.  We are in the cross hairs of part of the GOP's base, and many of their proposed laws are aimed directly at us.

How do I deal with it?  More and more, I seek the entertainment that I grew familiar with when I was younger - shows like the original Perry Mason still make me feel that there is some form of justice in the world.  Old Westerns also serve the same function for me - the difference between right and wrong was easy to see, and one knew that good would triumph over evil.  Even though John Wayne in real life was not a man I could easily respect, I loved what his "cowboy" characters stood for - especially when John Ford was the director of the film.

- - - - - -

Like many people whose views I disagree with, I also yearn for the simplicity of the 1950's.  Unlike these people, I support the ideals which America stood for back then, and not the reality of what America was.  When I look at the old TV shows, I see part of what America could be, as well as by omission, things we need to fix for our future.

Right now, I enjoy the idea of relaxing and doing nothing.  Reality has a habit of catching up with us way too quickly for comfort....


________________________________________________________________________


And if you've gotten this far....

Merry Christmas to you and your families!

This was going to be a busy afternoon and evening

It's hard to believe that it's been over 8 years since I've seen Marilyn in proper perspective. Her fame was larger than life, but her life was shorter than she deserved.  Sadly, there is only one place this sculpture should be viewed, and I doubt it will ever make it to New York, where there are subways to give Marilyn a proper updraft....

- - - - - -

Today was the last day of this semester's speech therapy sessions, and I will miss them - even though they weren't as useful as prior semesters' sessions.  Coming off of two semesters with a mature student clinician and experienced clinical supervisor and now experiencing sessions with a pair of young ladies and an inexperienced clinical supervisor, I have become disillusioned to the process.  If I do this again, I will likely go back to having Saturday sessions, so that I can have the more experienced clinical supervisor monitoring my sessions.

Around 2:30, I drove to Mercy for the last time this semester, and had my last session with the w student clinicians.  It was pleasant but sad at the same time.  I won't go into too much detail about the session, save that they recommended full 1 hour sessions for next semester.  If this can be done at the same price I'm now paying, I'll consider it.

Next, was a trip to white plains for the Arts Westchester holiday party.  On the way up, I had the chance to speak with my brother before he flew to England.  Hopefully, he'll have a great time, because life in New York these days is becoming a disaster.  The holiday party was a pleasant diversion, as I got to meet several people I don't usually meet on a monthly basis.  However, I made sure to mention the possibility of getting the Census Bureau job to the volunteer coordinator, as I didn't want her not to know why I might not be attending meetings next year.

Once done there, it was down to Yonkers for some game playing.  Today, we played 2 rounds of Code Names.  It's not my favorite game, but it's nice to play once in a while. Again, I had the chance to relate my latest news to my friends there, and they are also keeping their fingers crossed for me.

On the way home, I chatted with GFJ.  We will probably fo into NYC on Saturday.  But the way she wants to go there precludes us resuming any closeness.  I feel she has made her decision regarding the two of us, and is waiting until after Christmas to drop the final bombshell.  It's sad.  If we had argued and got angry at each other now and then, I'd have been aware of her feelings and showed her how special she is.  But it looks like that ship may have sailed, and that I'd better soon get on with the process of experiencing my grief for something lost that shouldn't have been so.

The last Speech Therapy session before Thanksgiving

There is only so much one can do with a cisgender male's vocal equipment to generate a feminine sounding voice.  One has to train to speak in a pitch either in the androgynous range or (if lucky) be able to reach into the lower ends of the feminine range. And then, one has to develop the proper feminine prosody - something much harder to do the older a person gets.  This is what I've been trying to do in the last few years, and what I expect to be working on for the rest of my life.

- - - - - -

Getting up this morning, I had 3 things on my schedule: Lunch with Vicki #2, Speech Therapy at Mercy College, then Game Night in Yonkers.  So I got moving around 11, and was in Dobbs Ferry to meet Vicki at 1:30.  We chatted about Thanksgiving plans as well as various family problems in both of our lives.  She made me grateful NOT to have a child, as she's worrying that her son will not be able to achieve to his maximum potential.  (I phrase it this way, as I don't think she'd want specific details about her problems coming out.)  And yet, I wouldn't mind living this part of my life over and having had the challenges of child raising with what I know now.

Once done with Vicki, it was over to Mercy for my weekly speech therapy session.  As much as the 2 ladies see a lot of improvement in my voice, I don't see it.  But then, I'm hypersensitive to my voice's imperfections, and want to eliminate them for the time (if it ever comes) that I can live 24x7 as Marian.  (I'd hold off from doing this for the sake of a healthy romantic relationship.  But I won't go into that topic right now.)  I noted that the next time we meet will be the last time the 3 of us get together.  I wish them the best, as they were earnest in their attempts to improve my voice. Yet, I feel that they have a lot of maturing left to do before they can project a sense of authority in their clinician-client relationship.

Then, it was time to go home.  After nuking one of my Freshly meals from the freezer, I decided to bake a double batch of brownies for a Pre-Thanksgiving game night treat.  So I took out the mixing bowl, found 2 disposable baking sheets, mixed everything together, then baked the brownie mix for 45 minutes.  If the brownies tasted as good as the remaining batter in the bowl, then I knew I'd have a hit later on. 

Around 7:30, I packed up the brownies and headed to Yonkers.  As usual, I lost the one game I played.  But I had a good time.

It's amazing how much mess I made and had to unmake.

No, this is not my bedroom.  Mine was much more messy than this when my cleaning lady called yesterday to tell me that she was coming over today.  So I made even more of a mess before cleaning things up at 3 am.  But I got a lot done, as 3 baskets of laundry that were in the chest in front of my bed were condensed into a half basket - all ready to be sorted out and put into the correct places.

- - - - - -

I often dread the days that my cleaning lady is expected, as I can never be sure of when (or if) she will come.  She is supposed to come here no earlier than lunch time.  But sometimes, things are cut way too close for my comfort.  Luckily, I was able to get her to limit her visits to either Thursdays or Fridays, as Thursday was my scheduled day to volunteer at the LGBT Center. This allowed me the security of knowing I could sleep late on the other days, and take "Jammie Days" whenever I need to take them.

You might ask, why do I keep this lady in my employ?  The answer is simple - she is honest.  The only thing I find missing in my apartment is garbage.  Other people have to keep an eye on their cleaning ladies, as many have sticky fingers.  I was lucky to have a friend refer this lady to me, and I still employ her over 20 years later on.

- - - - - -

This semester, Thursdays also have me attending speech therapy sessions.  The two students are trying our new ideas every week.  Last week, they gave me a carry over assignment eared to have me mimic the vocal and body language used in a couple of video clips.  However, it's hard for me to do so, as I react very differently than the main characters in the clips.  For example, I never would have reacted as Lucy would in her show - I'd have never knowingly let someone hold me down.  But then, I am not a woman of the 1950's. And I am thankful for that. 

Doing the carry over exercise this morning, I realized that my voice is a little lower than I would have wanted this morning. Is it because I am not exercising my upper range enough?  I don't know.  But as long as I can stay in the androgynous pitch range and continue developing feminine vocal inflections, I'll be happy where I'm going with my voice.

- - - - - -

I was very tired when I left the house, and thought my problem could be either one of two things: sleep deprivation or lack of food energy.  So I decided to go to a Chinese Buffet near White Plains to have a bite to eat. However, the food didn't help much.  Driving over to Mercy, I went through a construction zone, got distracted outside the zone, and hit a curb.  Although I don't think I did any serious damage to the tire or rim, I will bring this incident up when I go to Mavis for my oil change and tire rotation- just to have a more learned eye look at things.  Arriving at Mercy about 90 minutes early, I looked for a parking spot where I could rest for a while before going in for my session. Backing into a spot I found, I tapped the car behind me - something I rarely do.  At that point, I knew that I needed to take a nap, and that's what I did for an hour or so.

This week's speech therapy session went well.  But when I hear my voice, I feel I sound like a teenage boy whose voice hasn't cracked.  A comment I made about my voice is that I find it easier to speak with feminine prosody when I speak with an accent - especially, a southern accent.  They understand (even if they don't speak the language of cognitive psychology) that I have to overcome 62 years of male speech patterning and replace it with speech patterns appropriate for a 62 year old female.

- - - - - -

After the session, I drove home to relax and change into something more appropriate for a casual evening. A little more than 90 minutes later, I drove back to lower county to play games.  For a change, I won a game of San Juan.  Yay!  But the next game, Dixit, was a losing effort.  I couldn't get a clue, even if everything was explained to me as a child.  Yet, I had fun, and that's the important thing.

Another out to dinner, this time with HWV and another board member.

Today started out with three things on my docket, but I could only deal with two of them.  I wasn't up to having lunch with Vicki #2, as my GI Tract was giving me problems.  But I was up to going to my weekly speech therapy session, then to dinner with HWV and another board member (let's call her HWJ for now).  There was only so much I was willing to take on today, and I figured that I could postpone lunch with Vicki until next week.

- - - - - -

I wasn't feeling that great when I got up this morning - I was sneezing a lot, as my nose was running the 4 minute mile.  No, I did not have a cold.  Instead, I have suffered with my usual autumn allergy season problems.  Once things settled down, I texted Vicki to tell her that I wasn't going to make it today, asking to postpone until the following week.  This allowed me another, much needed, hour in bed,  And then it was time to get ready.  I was lucky to be home, as my GI Tract started to rebel on me. Then it was time to get showered, shaved, etc. before driving to Mercy College.

Arriving at Mercy a few minutes early, I paid my bill.  And I wish I had had more time, as my GI Tract was again telling me that it was in a rebellious state.  So I went into my session, and within 5 minutes it was off to the restroom.  AARGH!  Luckily, I wasn't long there, and I was able to complete a compressed session.

On the way home, I chatted with GFJ.  As much as I'm interested in going to a comedy club meetup (and having dinner with her beforehand), there's a part of me that would rather spend the day as Marian.  (Just don't say that to her right now.)  Soon, she'll be going to Florida with her friend, and I hope she has a great time there.

As for me, I figured that I had about an hour to get ready for dinner with HWV and HWJ.  Tonight's restaurant week dinner was scheduled for the Red Hat Bistro in Irvington.  Vicki and I chatted about this place, and she warned me about how high prices are carefully bypassed when wait staff mentions specials on the menu. 

Around 6:15, HWV and HWJ arrived and we drove to dinner in the rain.  Arriving around 7:00, we got out of the car and found that the winds were gusting at 30+ mph, and it wasn't worth bothering to use our umbrellas.   Once inside the restaurant, we sat down and enjoyed a nice dinner from the restaurant week menu.  I was asked about my transgender nature, and I told both ladies that I wish I had been born with the correct plumbing, and that if it weren't for romance and family considerations, that I'd already be living as Marian 24x7.  (We went into this in much more detail than what I'm doing here.)  But I noted that until I am 24x7, I won't be attending co-op board meetings as Marian.  Why confuse people?

A little after 9:15, we left the restaurant and drove home on local roads.  I was not in a rush, and I didn't trust the conditions on the highways.  Getting home, we agreed that we must do this again soon - and I hope that it is much sooner than later.

I'm either getting forgetful, or my Pooka was getting bored.

Elwood P. Dowd and Harvey.  This is a picture of cinema's most endearing couple.  Yes, they are likely a "same sex" couple, but not a "same species" couple.  Never once was Elwood known to say anything bad about his favorite pooka.  This is better than most couples I have come into contact with over the years.

- - - - - -

When I woke up this morning, I was still sleep deprived from last night.  Yet, I had to get moving and out of the house a bit early, as my cleaning lady was likely to come today.  (It has been 6 weeks since her last visit, and I have gotten used to her missing a visit now and then.)  So, I got showered and dressed, did some last minute straightening up the clutter in my apartment, and went out the door to have lunch with Vicki #2.

It normally takes me about a little over a half hour to reach Hastings on Hudson. So I took it slow, and overshot the town a little on the way there.  Yet, I still made it to the place with time to spare.  Vicki sent me a message, asking if we were still on for today, and I messaged her to let her know where I was.  So she rushed from her place, and met me about 15 minutes later.

Wild Culture Waffles is a little shop set in the rear of Hastings' former movie theater.  It's a pleasant place to pick up a specialty waffle with a cup of coffee to wash it down.  It is not a place for a "real" lunch, and it is not a place likely to do well in the winter.  There are no tables inside the building where one can sit.  The only tables are outside, exposed to both cold and heat. This is why other coffee shop like places tended to fail before in this location, and why I expect this business to fail once the weather gets a little colder.

Vicki and I talked about many things.  But I dominated the chat today, talking about issues and events I've reported in this (and my previous) blog.  Thankfully, she didn't shut me down.  I needed someone not too close to me to tell me that I wasn't getting crazy myself - and she did just that.

Around 2:45, Vicki noticed the time, and said that we should get going.  I barely had enough time to get to Mercy for my weekly session.  Before I left her, she mentioned that she was usually free at this time of day, and that we could make this a regular occurrence when I am in her area.  And then, I was on the road.  I took a little bit of a chance driving to Dobbs Ferry, as I had to get around a bus (not a school bus) that I knew would have a very slow acceleration time.  Although nothing happened, it was a little too close for comfort if I had thought about things.  At least, I made it to Mercy on time.

Arriving at Mercy, I couldn't find the check I usually have in hand to pay for my session.  I spent some of the time I saved in driving there to find a missing check.  So I told the center that I'd make a two week payment the following week.  After 45 minutes, my session was over, and it was time to go home.  Little did I realize it then, I was in for the night, as I took a needed nap, waking up around 7:30.  At least, I found out that my pooka had played a mind trick on me.  I looked at my checkbook and found that I didn't write a check for this week's session.  And now, I was much more at ease....

I started the day with some bad news

Last night, I sent an email just to touch base about the job interview I had a month ago.  This morning, I received my reply - I was no longer being considered for the position.  Since I didn't absolutely need the job, it shouldn't bother me much.  However, I do feel a little bit of a sting due to the feeling of rejection.  Whether I was rejected because I was transgender, or if they found a better candidate shouldn't be an issue.  But I'd love to know that answer if it was appropriate for me to ask it.

- - - - - -

Misplacing things has always been a problem for me.  I have often dealt with it by buying extra stuff, so that I can find what I need when I need it - without having to organize my environment beforehand. Now that I don't have "excess" money coming in, one of the things I have to do is develop better habits for where I temporarily store things that I bring into the house.  The other day, I brought in a prescription I took home from the drug store, and do not remember what became of it.  Did I combine the pills with the ones remaining from my old prescription?  Or, did I misplace them in one of my rooms?  If the former, I'll have no evidence that I did so.  If the latter, the pills will show up some time in the future.

Just before I left for my weekly speech therapy session at Mercy, I found the pills that "My Pooka" hid from me.  (I'm always joking about a mischievous pooka when I'm missing something I know I have in my apartment. Just don't call him "Harvey".  Harvey hangs out with Elwood P. Dowd.)  And I was able to leave for Dobbs Ferry with a more relaxed attitude.  While on the way down, I remembered that I had to schedule my yearly physical with my doctor.  Since his office closes at 3:00, I pulled off at a highway exit, made the call, and got back on the road, losing only a couple of minutes.

Arriving at Mercy a little after 3:00, I worked with the two student clinicians.  If my voice is recorded on the iPad they use, much of my masculine vocal resonance is captured and magnified.  But if recorded on a cell phone's voice mail, my voice almost sounds feminine.  There is still a lot of work that has to be done.  But I know that a reasonably feminine voice can come from my voice box, given the voice of a famous transgender woman who was well known when I was young.

I drove back to my apartment to kill a couple of hours, and then drove down to Yonkers for the weekly round of board games.  For once, I won a game - a round of "Exploding Kittens".  And I didn't do too badly in the other games either.  But my mind was elsewhere - I was checking the news and email quite a bit on the phone.  (It didn't help that the host's daughter wanted to join in a couple of games, and she was another distraction to deal with.)  Yet, I enjoyed myself, and will miss the camaraderie of the group for the next 3 weeks.  While playing games, I had a quick message exchange with JS.  Seems like our daytime get together this weekend is off - she is seeing a couple of real estate agents on Saturday.  I guess financial reality is catching up with her after all....

Doing the scales

Doe, a deer, a female deer....   Most of us know that song from "The Sound of Music".  But most of us never have to think of what has to be done to hit a note perfectly, all the time, at will, without thinking about it.  My feminine voice has been a work in progress for several years. And I am now on the cusp of breaking out of the habitual way that males sound like males, even when speaking in a pitch more associated with females.

As normal for this semester, my Thursday schedule called for me to visit the Speech and Hearing Center at Mercy College for my weekly speech therapy session.  Although the two student clinicians say that my voice has improved a lot and that I am consistently speaking in a feminine pitch, I am far from happy.  I do not have that melodic prosody that a typical female uses in everyday speech.

The latest "take home" exercise I have been given is to record myself doing the "scales" (by humming and singing the notes). I'm not exactly sure of what this will do for me, but I am game to try anything.  In the past, I have recorded myself reciting the full text of the poem "Jabberwocky".  And I still sounded like a male speaking the words.  Vowels were not extended enough, and the tone of my voice didn't vary as much as a normal female's would when speaking the same words.

My voice is still a work in progress. At least, it's not the dead giveaway for me being transgender as it used to be when I started down this path towards an authentic feminine self.