Dreams

 

For those of you who don't know me that well, I rarely dream when I sleep.  This could be due to an inability to go into deep sleep.  Or, it could be something else I've had for ages.  As long as I feel healthy, I don't care much, as a good sleep can be quite restful.

Years ago, I fell asleep on a train and felt that I was having a conversation with my late wife.  I felt wide awake and totally aware of my circumstances, and this dream made me feel quite good - until I asked one question: How could I be having this conversation when you passed away?  Then, POOF! she was gone.  

I've changed a lot over the years, and I can say that a lot of the time I've been a total jerk without realizing it.  Other times, I realized it after it was too late and couldn't stop.  And this leads to a dream I had recently.

Now for some background.

I met this couple at an AOL widows/widowers gathering about 26-27 years ago.  They eventually got married, and the gentleman adopted his wife's son.  This son has a visual impairment which will prevent him from ever driving.  As such, he will likely live near a big city for the rest of his life, due to transportation issues.  The day that the couple adopted their other son, their house caught on fire, and they were living in temporary digs for a year while their house was rebuilt.

At the time this was going on, I was dating Ex-GF-M, a woman who was morbidly obese. We planned to go to the couple's celebration of being able to return home, but I got the date and time wrong - but still arrived at the party late.  I didn't have the self esteem to simply leave my to be ex at the time - this is a big problem when a person has an unhealthy relationship glued together by a mutual addiction (food).  But I was aware of it, and was trying to get up the gumption to leave.

Well, I mentioned this to the couple (who were both obese as well), and was later cut off from being Facebook friends.   Could this be because I was a jerk in other ways without knowing it?  Could it have been because they saw my rejection of my then GF as an insult to them?  Who Knows?

Now to the present.

I have lost contact with this couple, and wouldn't mind being in loose contact again. The other night, I had a dream involving this couple.  They hadn't been on my mind for ages.  Could my subconscious be trying to tell me something?

So I wonder?  Should I try to reach out to this couple?  Should I address the elephant in the room from the past?  Again, who knows?  For all I know, it could be a signal that something bad has happened to them - but with no real evidence that this could be so.  Yet, I'd like to get some closure on the past.   And I'd like to apologize for being a jerk when I knew them.

Powerball. It's a hope and a dream for many.

 

As I write this, the Powerball Jackpot is at the $1.4b payout level (if taken as an annuity).  Given that the odds of winning are roughly 250M to 1, it is almost always a sucker bet, and an easy way for states to pick peoples' pockets instead of levying taxes.  But once taxes and the current value of money are factored in, any jackpot in the $900M+ range is a rational bet, as the after-tax payout in present value dollars is commensurate with the risk taken to win that money.  So, I will likely spend a tenner to buy 5 quick picks and indulge in a poor person's dream.

When my dad was alive and living at home, he would give both my brother and I several scratch-off tickets on our birthdays.  Yes, it was a waste of his money.  But it was cheap entertainment for us.  Once, we had the pleasure of taking him to the Connecticut casinos and spending a day together.  No, it's not how I'd normally spend a day.  But it made my dad happy, and that's all that counts.

Do I think of what I'd do if I won the lottery?  Sometimes.  But it would simply allow me to own a small home where I had a two-car garage, two cars in the garage, one of them electric and the other gas powered, and convenient to mass transit for my long term needs.  If I won it today, I'd probably travel more than I do now.  My life wouldn't change much.  But I wouldn't advertise that I got lucky, as all the "distant relatives and lost friends" would come out of the woodwork for a handout.  

What would you do if you won a big jackpot?

A thought about a past love

 

 

I was going through my library of photos a while back. When I stumbled across this picture, I decided to scan it.  This was an act of providence, as I now have no idea where this picture was hidden by my pooka. 

The above picture of CSN was taken over 40 years ago, and it reflects an image of a woman I once loved when she was in her youth.  We were never meant to be together.  She wanted a man who could climb the corporate ladder to the top, and I wanted to climb to the top of the technology ladder.  Yet, I was poorly placed to achieve my dream, and I had no mentor to help guide me to where I wanted to go.  In short, youth did not give me the lens to understand the path in life I'd take, and I may have ignored any advice I might have received if any had been given.  This woman may have achieved more in her life. But, given what little I have found out over the years, I'm not sure if she led a happy life.

Why do I bring up this woman?  Well, our romance was one of those whirlwind things that started up quickly, and ended just as quickly.  It was zero to sixty in 3 seconds, then sixty to zero in another 3 seconds.  We had chemistry, but I was wise enough to realize that a relationship between people like us would be a train wreck.  But I digress....

The two of us were madly in love, and we had started to shop for places to live.  One day, I stayed overnight, but brought nothing to wear the next day.  This wouldn't be a problem most of the time, but she wanted to present an image - so she handed me one of her sweaters to present a new image for the day, and out the door we went.  Little did she know that this would be the first time I'd venture out in any woman's garment in public.  (Yes, I know that sweaters can be unisex, but that's not the point here.)  I wonder what she would think about me now, if she knew that I look better as a fat female than I do as a fat male. 

Occasionally, I do a Google search to see if any new information has popped up on the web about her.  In the past, I found that she sold fruit at a weekly farmer's market held at a church in Putnam county.  I also found that she once owned a small farm in Northern Dutchess county. But through it all, she has cobbled together some money teaching economics at colleges through the New York City area.  Given what I remember of her these reviews of her class fits the model of her style I have in my mind: 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECO202

😖awful

Sep 22nd, 2020

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: Yes

Online Class: Yes

I cant believe how unclear all her instructions are. Just started taking her course at DCC online during Covid. Her grammar is terrible. Even on quizzes I cannot understand sentences or questions. Directions are usually a small sentence that gives no structure, then she gives a bad grade on the assignment when it doesnt meet her standards. 2/10

Get ready to read

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON102

😖awful

May 15th, 2020

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

She's an awful professor. I didn't even sign up for her class but got put in it because of COVID. I couldn't understand a word she said and her slides were so unhelpful. None of her grading criteria made sense to me and she didn't post the homework, only that it was due. I would never take this person's class again even if it meant I can't graduate.

Graded by few things

0

0

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

4.0

ECON101

😖awful

Nov 27th, 2019

For Credit: Yes

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Mumbles when she speaks. I promise you won't learn one thing from this class, and she has a sleepy time voice!! Very boring.

Lecture heavy

0

0

 

Quality

1.0

Difficulty

5.0

ECON101

😖awful

Oct 20th, 2016

For Credit: Yes

Attendance: Mandatory

Would Take Again: No

Textbook: No

Absolutely horrible teacher, she mumbles and you can barely understand her, doesn't thoroughly explain anything, she loses your work and your grades regularly. She plays movies and falls asleep in the middle of class. Highly recommend you stay very far away from her class.

Tough Grader LOTS OF HOMEWORK/TEST HEAVY

3

0

Yes, a person who doesn't communicate well will likely also have train wreck romances.  In my case, I found this person to be "full of herself."  I can easily believe that she falls asleep during class, as I'd bet she feels that that teaching Economics 101 is beneath her, because she feels that she should have a tenured position as a prestigious university. Yet, there is a part of me that would get a kick out of auditing her course in person after the pandemic ends, just to see what she has become since we were in contact.  Would she even recognize me after the decades?  Would the similarity of my male and female names trigger a memory for her? I doubt it....