Sometimes, I simply don't want to bother being Marian

 

I look terrible in the above picture, don't I?  the way I'm dressed makes it obvious that I am a male trying to dress androgynously.  But that's OK for me, as this was the first time I wore female clothes in public with no one giving me emotional support.  Today, I wasn't even in the mood to go this far in my presentation, as the only place I was heading was to the supermarket.

Not living 24x7 as Marian, I have the option of going out as Mario.  Given that it was already 7:00 pm when I took my daily shower, there was no way I was going to be able to go out as Marian and still make it to the supermarket on time.  So I got dressed as Mario and ran over to the Stop & Shop nearby to pick up fixings for dinner.  

If I were living 24x7 as Marian, there are so many things that would be different.  For example, I'd have lost 100 pounds off my frame, and then have gotten some facial surgery to make my face more androgynous.  I might have also spent money on a tracheal shave, as well as electrolysis to remove the remainder of my facial hair.  If possible, I'd have gotten some hair transplants to make it possible to spend time en-femme without needing to wear a wig,  Until I can do this, I have to make a decision every time I go out my door - do I want to be Mario or Marian?  And today, Mario won out....

Another day without much to say.

 

.

Today, I ended up doing absolutely nothing other than watching TV.  The weather was supposed to be terrible, and I had no reason to go outside.

- - - - - -

One of the problems of living alone during the pandemic is loneliness.  Unlike some people I know, I am not good at finding meetup groups that interest me.  Additionally, not many groups are meeting in person until after the pandemic ends.  So, I am temporarily unable to connect with new people until the end of the pandemic.

As much as I've reached out to be with new people, I know that few people are willing to open up their bubbles until they have been vaccinated.  So most of the people I've been in contact with are those women who I contact for dating.  One thing I've found is that many of the available nice women are those with special needs offspring.  Dating a person with children in his/her 30's/40's/50's is hard enough.  But when one is in his/her 60's, it can be a big problem. Who wants to take on the headaches of an adult child who can't take care of him/herself?

Since I have to be practical, I have to ask myself - can I deal with these headaches?  Could a woman accept someone like me in exchange for companionship?  Who knows? 

Sometimes, a gal has to spurge on herself.

 

This is a tale of two coffee makers.  It is a short tale, but it addresses a real need in my apartment - the lack of a quick way to have a single cup of coffee in my apartment.

Recently, I've taken to cleaning up my apartment, and one of the first areas of attack has been my kitchen.  Shortly after my late wife moved in, a storage cabinet of hers was placed in an empty corner of my kitchen.  It's ugly, but functional, and has been in the same place for almost 35 years.  In the process of cleaning up the room, I decided to place it against the other wall in the "empty" corner.  This made the kitchen more inviting, as one no longer feels cramped upon entry to the room.

In the process of moving the cabinet, I ended up relocating some appliances.  My vacuum sealer exchanged places with my toaster oven, and I temporarily moved a mini crock pot onto the top of the cabinet.  Now that I've used the crock pot to cook a meal, I can now store it in a more accessible place for future use.  In its place, I plan to place a coffee maker.  But what coffee maker should I put there?

 

I have an old coffee maker I never use. It requires me to use a filter and freshly ground coffee. Most importantly, I have to brew several cups at a time to use it.  So it has rarely seen any use.
 

A couple of years ago, my ex girlfriend gave me a French Press coffee maker.  This device doesn't require me to buy fancy filters to use when brewing coffee.  Instead, its design makes it inconvenient to use, as it requires a full clean up after each use.  This is not worth the effort when one wants a quick cup of coffee.

This left me with two choices to make, both involving K-Cup brewing.  The first choice was to decide whether I would buy an off-brand coffee maker which uses K-Cups, or whether I would buy one made by Keurig.  Given that the Hamilton Beach product was simple and easy to use, I almost sprang for that device on New Year's Eve.  But I decided to defer the decision until I was in contact with Vicki.  She was willing to give me her Keurig Mini, and I needed to know why she didn't use it before accepting her offer.  Vicki then told me about her two most important complaints: (1) The Mini's water reservoir was virtually useless, only having enough water for an 8 oz. brew, and (2) The Mini did not have controls for whether one desires a mild, medium, or strong brew.  At this point, I knew enough to make my decision.  I chose NOT to use Vicki's Mini brewer, and chose to buy the Keurig Classic with a 36 oz. reservoir. 

If you shop around, you'll find that the Keurig Classic is twice the price ($60) as the Hamilton Beach coffee maker ($30) at the local Walmart.  The key difference between the two is the size of the reservoir, with the Keurig holding 6 more ounces.  This is not a major difference.  But I am familiar with the Keurig from my 10 months at the census bureau, and I don't want to learn the nuances of a new machine. 

Now to find someone to have breakfast with, so that we can have coffee together.

 

Sometimes, one has to ask an awkward question

 

A little over 7 weeks ago, I got what was likely a "butt dialed" call from my former cruise partner. I never expected a response from her when I sent her a birthday card, and I didn't receive one. So, this morning, I sent her a New Year's greeting, and noted that her lack of reply would give me the answer I needed.  But this is only an appetizer....

As loyal readers of this blog (and my prior one) will note, that I had a dispute with my ex girlfriend regarding meetup groups.  Today, I had the opportunity to pose her a question about a group that I'd attend as Mario.  Does she want me to stay away from that one as well?  This is awkward for me, as I'm not trying to dredge up our past.  But I am trying to figure out some things based on what she said in our email exchanges.  I am no longer in the mood to fight her - I'm tired of battles that do not need to be fought.

- - - - - -

Although this could have been a Marian Mode day, I decided to go out as Mario.  It was not because the weather was dreary when I went out.  Instead, I might as well get into Mario Mode a day early, so that I don't forget anything when I see FH.  

Last night, I explored the local Walmart, looking for a coffee maker that uses K-Cups.  Although there were knock-offs that could use the K-Cups, I decided to hold off buying something until I had the chance to talk with Vicki.  She had a "Mini" K-Cup brewer, and didn't like it.  It had no controls for strength of brew, and it only had an 8 oz. reservoir.  Her machine is almost worthless.  Instead of getting her machine as a hand-me-down gift, I decided to buy my own. And for $60, I got a machine with a 36 oz. reservoir capacity.  Once I've finished cooking a brisket in my slow cooker, I'll put the coffee maker in its new designated place. 

I've decided to gradually get my place into some semblance of order.  It will never be the type of place that would look presentable for a sale until I've moved out.  However, that will be the problem to whomever I bequeath my apartment.  

- - - - - -

As I write this, we have only 19 days left in Trump's mismanagement of his office.  I can't wait until he's gone.  Hopefully, we will finally start to heal as a nation.  If not, our children will have one heck of a bumpy ride as the American empire falls....

 

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?

 

 

Around this time last year, I was walking through New York City, not knowing how much my life was going to change within less than a few month's time.  If I had known what was about to happen in my life and in the world, I'd have blown a wad and taken a trip to Hawaii while it was still possible.  Sadly, too much has happened since then, and the world as we knew it is long gone....

- - - - - -

There are still some things I'd like to repair with my ex girlfriend.  Right now, I'm working on rebuilding some form of friendship and nothing more.  I won't say more, as there are limits to how close we could become based on what happened in 2020.

I wonder what my dad would be thinking had he known he was going to pass away in 2020.  Would he have blamed the lack of an adequate virus response on Trump?  Or, would he have accepted the man's bullshitting and believed the malarkey being put out by this man and his underlings?  I don't think he'd have thought about it too deeply, as my dad was a relatively simple, down to earth person.

Sometimes, I think about a former travel partner.  She was way too open with her feelings, and she often made bad decisions about people.  In many ways, I feel she was lonely and found that her pets became her way of dealing with many of those feelings.  (She spoiled her pets rotten.)  I see similar behaviors in TCL, but not to such pronounced extremes.  And I think that TCL's recent adoption of two cats a positive influence in her life.

Knowing that things would be over with my ex, I think I'd have become a regular at the church I irregularly attended.  No, I am never going to be a religious person.  Instead, it would have been more of a place to socialize now and then.  We all need social outlets, and I would have made sure to develop more of my own - even while dating the ex.

Should I totally forget about the ex?  What about the former cruise partner?

- - - - - -

As I write this entry, it's New Year's Eve.  There are things I want to accomplish this coming year, one of which is finding a new job.  That is a realistic resolution.  Getting out to exercise more (and losing weight) is another resolution, one that I plan to do more on this coming year. Improving both my wardrobes is important, as I want to look nice in either presentation. Finally, I'd like to find someone I can love (and be loved by in return).  FH will likely not be that person, and none of the other women I've been with so far meet my criteria for someone to be with in the long term. 

 

PS:  For those of you who care about The King - Today is Elvis's Birthday.

If I only could have gotten to sleep

 

 

If I had been lucky, I'd have been able to fall asleep last night.  Vicki was scheduled to come over here in mid afternoon, and we were supposed to enjoy some take-out food instead of going to one of our usual restaurants.  It's been forever since I had anyone in this place, save for FL coming into my apartment, so that she could make use of the bathroom.  Other than the cleaning lady (who hasn't been here since February), the last person other than me inside this place was my ex girlfriend.

Around 3 am, I turned off the lights and turned off the TV, but couldn't get to sleep.  So I wasn't surprised to find me still awake around 7 am.  Even more surprising, I received a Facebook chat request from her.  (I sent her a skit from the comedienne Sarah Millican and sent it to her, hoping she'd get a laugh out of it.).  Given the time of the day, I don't think she was trying to reach me.  Instead, she accidentally tried to reach me (from what I could tell), and I decided to let her get on with her day without a conversation which could stir up feelings in both of us that would not be of use this early in the morning. At this point, I decided to make breakfast, and consider going back to bed for a couple of hours.  Of course, I went back to bed - and woke up around 11 am.  This meant that I wasn't going to get the place straightened up as much as I'd like to have done before Vicki arrived.  So, as I was taking garbage out to the dumpster, Vicki arrived with lunch.  

Before I go on too far, Vicki and I used to enjoy a local sushi/hibachi place in Croton.  This place has been closed for indoor dining since the pandemic started.  And this was our first opportunity to enjoy their food (especially their seafood soup) for a long time - and it was as good as I remembered.  Eventually, we got around to one of the purposes of her visit - giving me some "hand me downs", now that she has lost a bit of weight.  Sadly, my screwed up sleep got in the way, and I was struggling to stay awake (failing miserably) while we were chatting. So I was glad when Vicki left, allowing me to take a quick nap which lasted longer than expected.  And then, after a couple of hours of being awake, I fall asleep again. 

Why do I mention sleep so much?  My body clock is out of whack these days, and I found this happening during the early days of the pandemic.  Could there be a connection here?  Is this related to the lack of social stimuli due to the pandemic?  Who knows?  But it's something I'll have to deal with until I can find external stimuli to keep me awake during "normal" hours.

Somewhere nearby, someone is using a power saw.

 

 

I've talked about my apartment looking like a disaster area.  But the apartment downstairs from me was much worse the last time I saw it.  The above picture is one of several I took which shows how its last resident left the place - and it is not good.  So I was surprised today when I heard the sound of a power saw coming from a nearby apartment.  Could the bank that owns the place finally be preparing the place for a sale?  Who knows?  But it may be nice to have someone living there again after several years of being empty.

- - - - - -

After lounging around all day, I decided to do some more clean up of my apartment, then go outdoors as Marian - for the first time in a while.  Even though I ended up shopping for groceries at Trader Joe's, it was nice to get back into Marian mode again.  

I really don't have that much to say for the day.  I still have to get the place cleaned up for Vicki's upcoming visit.  And morning comes way too quickly these days.