Planning for the future

 

I am a male with gender non-conforming presentation, or I am a transgender woman with very mild gender dysphoria.  In either case, I have to think about my future, and my potential needs as I grow old.  This means I may need to find senior care facilities which accommodate and cater to people like me.  I don't think I'll feel comfortable if I'm forced to present as Mario for the rest of my life.  And I don't think I'd feel comfortable if I'm only able to be with queer people like me.  I need to be in a place where I can mix between both worlds - something which may not be possible for a baby boomer like me.

Although there are services for the senior LGBT community, such as senior housing and senior centers, I will try to live on my own for as long as possible.  Yet, I will eventually need to find housing that fits the needs of an older version of myself, and I expect that there will not be enough of this type of housing when I need it.  So what will I do?  I have no children.  My niece and nephew live far enough away that they might as well not exist.  Having a spouse/partner in old age may help for a while, but she will also be suffering the slings and arrows of old age at the same time as I do.  If I were to dwell on it much, I'd be scared.  But I look at things like this as they come and address them when they come.

Yet, I wonder - what will the future bring?

As I see it, it's very important for me to build up a social network now, so that I have people I can ask for help as I need it.  For example, my tax preparer, an enrolled agent, has retired, and I have been asking around for references.  Hopefully, I will find one soon, as I would prefer to use someone other than the person I could use as a fall back.  I can only imagine what it will be like when I can no longer drive or go up/down stairs and have to move.  Who will be there to help me handle my affairs?  (Maybe I can ask my uncle about this when I visit him this spring.)  This is only the tip of the iceberg that is "growing old in today's America" and I have yet to find the answers I need.

Any ideas?

How do I feel, now that I'm retired?

 

Please pardon the slightly blurred picture above.  I was looking for a more colorful picture of me to post, and this is what I could find with a limited amount of time.  But why was I looking for something with color to post, you might ask?  Well, the answer is simple.  I feel that the weight of going into a soul crushing job has lifted, and that I am looking forward to the future.

Looking forward to the future does not mean that everything will be cheerful.  For example, if I assume that RQS and I will have a long term relationship, I must also assume the likelihood that one of us could die of old age before the other.  Who needs grief?  But that's a normal part of life if one lives to old age.  Having lost a spouse over 2 decades ago, I'd hate to go through that experience again.  And yet, the reward for taking that risk is worth all the pain it could bring.

I now have the freedom to plan and do new things.  Most of the big things I want to do involve travel.  Yet, the little things in life can be the most rewarding.  For example, I can hear it in RQS's voice when she talks about her exercise sessions.  This may motivate me to finally get back into an exercise routine - or, at least, I hope so.  (Right now, I'm looking at doing some yoga.  I'll talk about that in a later post.)  I may also get back to the reading I've put off, as well as taking care of the tasks I've long neglected.  

Yet, change does not come easily to me.  And this may be one of the biggest changes I'll deal with in life.  I could have muddled on, and continued to work at the soul sucking job.  But I'm reminded of Shirley, a woman I used to work with at the bank.  Her life ended on a very sad note.  Years ago, she worked full time, even after she reached retirement age, to have the medical benefits needed to cover her ailing husband's medical expenses.  Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Her retirement was not one of joy, but of sadness, as she knew she would die with no one left to care for her husband. (Her retirement lunch was a sad ritual, as it was a formality that only made things worse for everyone involved.)  I do not want that fate.  This is why I chose to leave while I still have enough of my health to do the things I want to do.

I am getting tired of all of this.

 

Who'd have thought 2 years ago that we'd still be feeling the effects of the pandemic on society?  Over the past few months, most of us have been living "normal" lives.  Yet, there have been sporadic shortages which have affected our lives in ways we'd have never expected - such as the lack of computer chips creating a shortage of cars on dealer lots.  Although most people I work with don't fear catching the virus (we're all vaccinated, and the Omicron wave hasn't been as painful as expected), we still cringe if we see people who aren't wearing masks.

In 2020, I felt energized to go to work as Marian.  This year, it's normal - but the work exhausts me.  I still enjoy wearing a dress, and I'm much more comfortable wearing women's trouser like garments than I was in the past.  Yet, I'm likely going to call it an end of a career soon, as I'm simply tired of feeling tired most of the time.  I'll likely be in trousers more often, as I have reasons to spend more time as Mario these days.

Does this mean I'll be giving up my dresses?  Absolutely not!  It means that I again have a life that calls for the presence of Mario.  I have not changed.  My circumstances have changed.  And this will mean that my scheduling of Marian and Mario time will get more complicated, as I will be doing more switching back and forth between the genders, as I did years ago.

So what am I tired of?  It's not of being Marian.  I'm much more comfortable as Marian than I am as Mario.  But that doesn't mean I'm uncomfortable as Mario.  I'm simply tired of all the other energy sucking factors in my life that make it hard to enjoy the place in life I've worked hard to achieve.

I never thought I'd be feeling this way many years ago.  Is this what being old is all about?