Something I have to say....

 

There is a reason I chose this picture to lead off an entry in this blog.  Only the person who I hope reads this will understand why it is here....

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Recently, I received  a communication from someone who will remain nameless and faceless - as desired by that person.  It was a picture that was sent in response to this post ("An acquaintance has cancer"), saying it was a favor.  The friend I was with when I received this picture interpreted this communication as something other than a favor, confirming my read on things. (I could have been totally wrong on intent.  So I hope this person understands why I felt this way.)  Without going into any more details than this, I hope this person and her friend had a great time at their gathering.

Unfortunately, my actions in the past hurt this person very much, and all I can do anymore is to say "I'm Sorry".  Sadly, I feel that it will never be enough for her. This is a place where I burnt a bridge without meaning to, and nothing I can do or say can help alleviate this person's pain.  There are only so many "Mea Culpas" one can say before one stops caring to say "I'm Sorry" to someone who has been wronged.  One can only wear a Hair Shirt for just so long....

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In regard to another person who will also go nameless and faceless, I got to thinking that this person hurt me without meaning to.  An action noted in a statement of hers  in a recent conversation echoed an action that could have originally been her way of trying to get my attention, and it backfired big time.  Again, with things playing out the way they did, I'm not sure if anything much can be done to bridge more of the gap between us.  It'd take much more work from both of us to do that, and I haven't yet seen or heard what's needed from her if she wants to take the next step towards a solid friendship.  (Yet, I can hope this happens.)

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In both cases, there was cause for a person to feel betrayed.  And in both cases, things blew up and got out of control.  In the recent case, I only saw this picture with negative intent.  It might have been better had it not been sent, as the messages exchanged afterwards brought up ill feelings for both of us.  Yet, when I think about it, this was a case of two people who didn't trust each other, both finding out that after a negative incident that relearning how to trust a person and their motives can and will take some time.  It's never easy to cut a person some slack after a lot of hurt feelings.

 

 

 

PS: I hope that both people referenced here won't get too upset at my mention of this picture and the associated text messages....

 

 

Shopping at the local mall. Boy, how things have changed!

Lately, I have needed to go inside several malls to do some shopping.  Gone are the days where the mall was busy most of the day.  Now, if you're "lucky", you might bump into a single shopper while walking aimlessly in the mall.  No, it's not that bad, but it seemed that way when I window shopped in some local malls.

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Years ago, the White Plains Galleria was busy from the moment it opened to the moment it closed.  Abraham & Strauss anchored one end of the mall, while J.C.Penney anchored the other.  At lunch or dinner time, one could not find a seat in the dining area. Each and every storefront was rented out with goods available for sale.  Today, the two anchor stores are gone, and the mall's owners are covering up vacant storefronts to keep the few people shopping at the mall from doing the rest of their shopping online.

White Plains is not alone in the decay of the modern mall.  In Kingston, NY, the Hudson Valley Mall is effectively vacant, with all of its major anchors gone.  (I don't want to include Target here, as it is off to the side, and easily severed from the rest of the mall.)  In Yorktown Heights, NY, the local mall lost its Sears, and is in danger of losing Macy's.  There is only one store that I patronize there (Ulta), and I'll bet that it may break its lease (along with other stores) if/when Macy's decides to shut down.  Danbury, CT is doing a little better, as at least two of its anchor stores survive.  But in JC Penney,  they have carefully hidden vacant space no longer being used inside the store, pruned in-store stock to the bone, and made one of the two checkout counters into a general customer service area.  This makes me think that this store may soon be gone.  Will any of the remaining tenants want to stay after that?

However, it's not just the big malls that are hurting.  Local strip malls are hurting too.  When I first started to commute to a job in Westchester, I passed by this strip mall.  All of the storefronts were rented out during the first few years I worked at the bank.  I'd stop by in the morning, pick up a buttered bagel at the bakery, a newspaper at the stationery store, and drop off my shirts/suits at the dry cleaners.  In the evening, I might pick up some fruit and veggies from the small market there and then go to the butcher shop a couple of doors down.  None of these shops are there any longer; most of the storefronts on this property have been vacant for years.  I wonder how the owner pays his taxes on this property, as I don't see the restaurant (not in photo) doing enough business to cover all property expenses.

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Several years, I wondered why someone might sell off a commercial property.  Today's real estate market has given us the answer.  In an era of informality, we don't need much formal wear or the places that service those garments.  In an era where fresh food is delivered to the house, why shop at a small market when you can either have it shipped to your door from Whole Foods, or go to Wegman's to pick out the foodstuffs yourself?  In an era where one reads the daily newspapers online, why stop into your local store for your newspapers or magazines?  

I expect that many shopping centers will be repurposed in the near future, some of them bulldozed for a small number of big box stores (as happened in Poughkeepsie), or to develop new housing projects.  What do you think is going to happen? Do you think this process was accelerated by the pandemic?

 

Sometimes, I feel like the world is closing down on me.

 

Lately, I have been feeling down in the dumps because of a few minor things.  But I can sum it up in a simple phrase that could be worrisome if I didn't know myself: "The Thrill Has Gone."

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Since my then girlfriend and I broke up in 2019, I haven't found a new spark to ignite my passions.The woman I called FH in this blog and I stopped seeing each other this spring. The woman I call MWL and I have developed a non-physical relationship.  Given my experiences with the late Ex-GF-M, I don't think I can afford to open up too much to her - even though she is accepting of Marian AND does some exercise. Part of me wants to have a romantic relationship, but is no longer thrilled by the effort it takes to have one.  But being alone is also unfulfilling.

If my "large" apartment was as neat, tidy and organized as the one in the picture, I'd probably be able to invite people now and then.  Alas, it's messy enough to keep me from getting any value out of having a cleaning lady come over.  Sooner or later, I'll have to try to get my cleaning lady back, and see if she can take over where she left off before the pandemic set in.

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The other day, I got an email saying that an interview had been scheduled for me with the New York Court system.  However, when I needed to print a document so that I could physically sign it, my printer ran out of ink.  Wouldn't you know it - I couldn't find any of the ink cartridges I had in my apartment.  So I'll have to go out and buy new ones.  AARGH!

I talked to the hostess of my Yonkers gaming group, and told her of the Court System interview.  She advised me to go as Mario.  And this is what I already planned to do before speaking with her.  This woman is a good resource for me, as she has her finger on the pulse of what is going on in the real world.

If I were to get the job, it'll feel a little strange going to work in trousers again.  But I found that being Marian helps keep me sane; this presentation just doesn't need to be an everyday occurrence.  Too bad that some people didn't understand this....

 

 

 

From what I can tell, it looks like my ship is going to sail ...with or without me

 

I've been looking for information on cruise ships scheduled to return to service, and it looks like the ship doing this 18 day cruise is scheduled to resume service soon.  The cruise line is looking to service its Alaska, Panama Canal, Coastal California / Mexico, and Hawaii routes this fall.  

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Right now, the prices are still very reasonable for the cruises given everything, and I may just drop the hammer on one of them.  Alaska is out of the question for me.  But Hawaii is still a reasonable possibility.  All depends on my employment situation.  Part of me wants to get a new job, as that will provide me with spending money without draining savings.  Yet, another part of me wants to travel as Marian, and a Hawaiian cruise would give me the opportunity to do just that.

With one of the 18 day cruises, I will have a minor headache to deal with: Traveling home shortly before Christmas, during the worst of the holiday rush.  Do I really want to do this?  If I were to drop some extra coin and do another cross country train trip, I would be in-transit on Christmas day - either on a two day leg from the West Coast, or waiting in Chicago's Union Station for my connection to New York.  

Is this the way I want to spend a holiday?

What would you do if you were me?

 

 

Makeup

 

 

 

Transgender people have special makeup needs.  Unlike many people, I have found that theatrical makeup stores have many of the products we need - as long as we think creatively.  Once we have an idea of what needs to be done to our faces to make them look reasonably feminine, theatrical makeup houses such as Alcone often have the best products for our needs.

Due to a minor glitch on their website, my favorite store for makeup accidentally sold me a product from Ben Nye that was discontinued.  Since I use theatrical makeup for beard coverage and for jaw line contouring, this could have been a disaster for me.  In my response, I asked if they could recommend a similar product to Ben Nye Creme Shadow Natural contour compact, they promptly made several suggestions.  Mehron Cream color -Med Dark 4 came closest to what I needed, and I asked them to ship me a container to try out.  Hopefully, I'll be able to recommend this product to my TG readers.  I already recommend Alcone for specialty makeup, and will continue to do so in the future.

Don't be afraid to order from these businesses.  They were hurt during the worst of the pandemic, and they appreciate any and all business they get.  Almost all of them take internet orders, as many supply remote movie production, regional theaters and television stations across the country.  Although I highly recommend Alcone, I am biased - I have bought products at their NYC store when I worked in NYC.  Now, all my business is conducted through the internet - and they still meet my needs.  I expect that they can meet your needs as well.  

 

 

 

 

Originally, my plan was to post one or two entries per week.

 

Lately, I feel too exhausted to do much of anything after work.  Yet, I feel I have something to say every day of the week.  Go figure.

A critical reader made a comment that I now have something to write about other than air conditioners. Well, I have more to write about.  But I plan to keep details of many conversations private - if only because I've hurt several people in the past with my posts.

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Common themes that I will likely write about are: family, work, travel, health, and future full retirement.  At the age of 64,  these are common topics for people of my age.  And there are sub-topics that only transgender people will likely face.  These are the things I hope to be writing about in the future.

There are people who have made comments about what I've written about, with one person making suggestions that would please only her.  (I doubt she reads this blog anymore.)  Since this blog is mostly about things I experience, I would not be able to fulfill that person's request.  With that being said, I encounter a lot of things in my small life and I like sharing them.  I do not intend to change the theme of this blog to write about things that don't have meaning to me.  Yes, in the past, it hurt someone without me meaning to do this.  But I'll be trying to filter out details which could cause others pain or embarrassment. 

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With that being said, I have an interview scheduled for a potential new job.  If I get that job, I will be going as Mario and then consider socially transitioning on the job. Yet, if I were with the right person, I'd stay as Mario - and live life in both genders, but with less time spent as Marian.

Wish me luck....

 

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Things may be looking up - albeit several years late.

 

Although I haven't been happy on my job, I haven't been looking hard to find a new one.  Today, something popped up from out of the blue - an interview with the NYS Office of Court Administration.

Please be advised, you have been scheduled for a Clerical Assistant
interview with the 9th Judicial District. Details are as follows:

*_Date_*

mm/dd/yy

*_Time of Interview_*

hh:mm

*_Location_*

Westchester County Courthouse

111 Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. – 9th Floor

White Plains, NY 10601

When you get to the 9th floor please advise the front desk that you are
there for the interview.

This floored me.  I had once thought I was totally forgotten by NYS-OCA, as I had taken the Civil Service Exam for this position several years ago.  However, I guess that they extended the time for this list due to the pandemic.  Who knows?  However, I received some paperwork a few weeks ago asking me if I were still interested in working for the court system - and I said yes.  The last few times I received letters like this, I was never called for an interview.  But this time, I was called.

Although I am living my life as Marian these days, I would take this job (if offered) as Mario, then socially transition (professionally) while on the job.  If asked to start this job this year, I would not be able to take any of the cruises I want to take.  However, I would likely be able to go to work and present as my authentic self, and not as Mario.  And if I enjoyed this job, I'd probably stay on the job until I am 70.

What would you do if you were in my shoes (2" heels)?  Would you retire with the resources I have?  (My 401k plus future Social Security will give me a nice income in a couple of years.)  Or, would you work to the age of 70, not being able to take the time to travel as desired.  (I like the idea of working as Marian, and wish I could have done it years ago.)  One way or another, it'll be a hard decision for me....

 

 

PS: I just checked one of the civil service tests I took.  It's 4 years, almost to the day.