Sad News, with more to come (eventually)

 

Today's post will be a short one.  But it involves sadness caused by a situation that I have no control over, and frustration because I have limited access to information.

As I have mentioned before, both my aunt and uncle are in nursing homes for the ailments of old age.  When RQS and I were in Los Angeles earlier this year, we were not able to see my uncle, as he was just told that he'd never be leaving the nursing home due to his frailness.  Today, I finally heard from my uncle, and he is in a bad way.

Last year, my uncle fell and broke his hips.  From what I can understand, he is not a candidate for hip replacement surgery.  All they could do is patch him up.  He has been in the nursing home since then.  When I spoke to him in December, he still had the voice of a man who would resume his life as soon as he was certified able to do so.  Of course, this time never came.  In June, I talked with him for 5 minutes, and he still had a tolerably strong voice.  But it was one weakened by circumstance.  Tonight, he could barely hear me on the phone, and his voice sounded like someone with no interest left in living.

He is depressed, in part, because he has no children, and because his nearest relatives live a continent away.  Neither my brother nor I can hop in a car to see him.  If we were to visit, he'd have to hop on a plane, spend at least one night in LA, and then fly home after the visit.  This is why I scheduled a California Coastal Cruise for this past June.  If he was unable to see us, we'd still have a great time on the left coast.

After our too short phone call, I called my brother to report on things.  My brother gave me another tidbit of information which I did not have.  And I asked him to relay my concerns to my uncle's agent, as I do not have the agent's name, nor do I want to be the point of contact for information regarding my uncle's affairs.  (Also, I feel that my brother knows more than he lets on, and doesn't trust me with anything.  But that's another story for another day.)  Hopefully, I'll get more information soon.  But I know that in the long term, it will only be bad news.  And I feel sad about things that eventually must come.

Not much to say today.

 

Yesterday, I had to leave work early.  I finally am at a point where I know it's time to retire for good.  Although I feel a little sad, I know it's the right thing to do.

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Today, I received a text from a friend I was supposed to get together with tonight for dinner.  She was feeling sick and wouldn't be able to meet.  So I figured that I'd change back to Mario a day early, and get ready to meet RQS when she arrives tomorrow for a short stay.  This meant that (among many things) I had to remove the polish from my nails that was applied last weekend, and move my ID and money into Mario's wallet.  At this point, I won't be out as Marian until next week.

I'm still not out of the funk I got into yesterday, but I'm hoping that being with RQS will help me get over it.  We will see what it's like when she arrives....

An interesting weekend - Two people for the price of one

 

This weekend was very interesting for me.  I had RQS up to my place for the first time, and next day, had the opportunity to visit my brother for the first time in months.  It was a high mileage weekend, and worth it for every mile I had to drive....

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I've been stalling RQS in having her come up for a while.  Although she was in no rush to visit, she understood how my depression of 2020-2021 would affect how I took care of the apartment, and my need to make it "presentable" before asking her to visit.  She finally made it here, and didn't not get repulsed by the state of the apartment.  Instead, she understood what I want through for the past two years, and saw the positive side in me getting things back in order.

RQS arrived in Croton at 12:30 pm, and then we went to my apartment for a bio break.  Once that pressing need was taken care of, it was off to do a Mid-Hudson valley loop.  Although it was a little dreary outside, we enjoyed a country ride with several stops along the way to New Paltz, and then back home via Poughkeepsie.  

Although Vicki wanted to meet RQS, her Mother's Day planning got in the way.  So we ended up having dinner at a local joint before going home for the evening.  Once home, I showed her some more of my wardrobe, as well as a sew swimsuit pictures like the one above.  RQS said that she wouldn't have recognized me in this photo if she didn't know me as well as she does now.

The next day, I dropped RQS off at the gym, and then went to see my brother.  We haven't seen each other in months, and this was the first time we've gotten together since last year.  (Without checking this blog, I wouldn't even remember when I last saw him.)  Things in his personal life aren't going that well, and he had the chance to share things with me that he hadn't had the chance to talk about in a while.

When I picked my brother up, I had no idea that we'd be driving out past Smithtown for a late lunch. Normally, when I lived on Long Island, I never went that far out except for a couple of drives to Orient Point.  Now, in the past 2 years, I've been out in the Riverhead area (and beyond) several times.  And I'm glad that I still remember my way around the island after living elsewhere for almost 40 years.

All too early, it was time to drop my brother off at home, and then go home myself.  I'm not looking forward to go to work in the morning, but I'll be glad I'm able to do so these days....

I never thought that I'd be saying NO to meetup groups.

 

Today's post will be a quick one, as I don't have much to say today.

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Recently, I've been saying "No" to attending meetup groups more often than I want to bother attending them.  This amazes me after all the "Sturm und Drang" I was dealing with last year.  

Right now, I'm bored with people.  Dating is a hassle, and there are times that I can't bother with the effort. Even though I feel a little lonely at times, the effort of leaving my shell often takes up more energy I want to expend in the process.  

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Could you say that I am depressed?  Maybe.  Yet, I feel like I'm still recovering from the disaster that was 2020. I was hurt by two of the people I cared about most  (In one case, I was not the innocent party.  But that's another story told elsewhere - such as in my prior blog, which is no longer available to anyone.) I spent so much energy trying to find ways to connect with people that I ignored the connections I already had.

Until things fully get back to normal, I don't know how well I can recharge.  But I know that being able to interact with the world as Marian will be part of the process.

 

Sometimes, I feel like the world is closing down on me.

 

Lately, I have been feeling down in the dumps because of a few minor things.  But I can sum it up in a simple phrase that could be worrisome if I didn't know myself: "The Thrill Has Gone."

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Since my then girlfriend and I broke up in 2019, I haven't found a new spark to ignite my passions.The woman I called FH in this blog and I stopped seeing each other this spring. The woman I call MWL and I have developed a non-physical relationship.  Given my experiences with the late Ex-GF-M, I don't think I can afford to open up too much to her - even though she is accepting of Marian AND does some exercise. Part of me wants to have a romantic relationship, but is no longer thrilled by the effort it takes to have one.  But being alone is also unfulfilling.

If my "large" apartment was as neat, tidy and organized as the one in the picture, I'd probably be able to invite people now and then.  Alas, it's messy enough to keep me from getting any value out of having a cleaning lady come over.  Sooner or later, I'll have to try to get my cleaning lady back, and see if she can take over where she left off before the pandemic set in.

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The other day, I got an email saying that an interview had been scheduled for me with the New York Court system.  However, when I needed to print a document so that I could physically sign it, my printer ran out of ink.  Wouldn't you know it - I couldn't find any of the ink cartridges I had in my apartment.  So I'll have to go out and buy new ones.  AARGH!

I talked to the hostess of my Yonkers gaming group, and told her of the Court System interview.  She advised me to go as Mario.  And this is what I already planned to do before speaking with her.  This woman is a good resource for me, as she has her finger on the pulse of what is going on in the real world.

If I were to get the job, it'll feel a little strange going to work in trousers again.  But I found that being Marian helps keep me sane; this presentation just doesn't need to be an everyday occurrence.  Too bad that some people didn't understand this....