Cleaning up is so hard to do - a quick post.

 

I couldn't help it when I thought of cleaning up a mess that I would think of a toilet.  Not just any toilet, but the most expensive one I could think of.  

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Toilets have little to do with the mess in my apartment, save that I'd like to install a new one that will match the decor of my bathroom.  When I decided to run a vacuum over my carpet, I can see how worn out the carpet is, and how much I will need to do to get ready to replace it.  And even that is the least of today's concerns.  I have to start making headway in cleaning out the mess here, so that I can finally get a cleaning lady to come in on a regular basis and keep the place looking "presentable".

Right now, I've taken a break from cleaning up to prepare for RQS's arrival for a long weekend to write this entry.  It's therapeutic for me. But I will soon renew my rush to get some of the mess out of the way, so that RQS will feel comfortable.

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Unfortunately, our country is a big mess.  Those who would overturn democracy are preparing to be in charge, and I'm afraid of what will happen if they get what they want.  The playbook has been written, and there's little I can do other than to sound an alarm.  But I'm not going to think about over the next few days.  RQS is coming over, and we're going refrigerator shopping for her apartment.

Slowly attacking the mess in my apartment

 

When I got up this morning, I knew I had to do something to start cleaning up the mess in my place.  It's been a long time since I've been able to have the cleaning lady come over, and for every 4 steps forward, I'm taking 3 steps back.  So, I figured that I'd dedicate an hour or two today for this task before RQS arrives.

Instead of attacking messes on the table, I decided to attack the mess in my dresser drawers.  I figured that I might be able to clear out a drawer or two in the process, and make space for some of the new clothes that I bought at Flax.  So, after an hour, I found that I had one large contractor bag to go to the dumpster, as well as a shredder that I thought was working when it wasn't.

One idea that is working well for me is that if I haven't used something in a long while and that I am not likely to use it,  be sure to throw it out.  To facilitate that, I started taking an old post office box used to drop off a large quantity of held mail, and turning it into a garbage pail with the use of a large garbage bag.  If I can't justify keeping the item, I turn to the side and unceremoniously drop it in the bag for disposal.  It's a lot easier to toss items when the process takes up less mental processing space.

I can't say that I'm anywhere near seeing a light at the end of a tunnel.  But I can say that I found space for the clothes I bought from Flax, as well as the two dresses I bought from Universal standard.

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Thinking of dresses and things....

Last night, I decided to wear the above dress out.  As much as I hated the countless number of buttons I had to button up, I liked how I felt in the dress.  RQS said I should keep the dress, and I will do so.

She also said I should keep the above jumpsuit, and I will wear it once I have a lightweight buttoned top I could wear with it, so that my shoulders could be covered most of the time. 
 

The other day, I saw that this dress was on sale.  Given that I like the cut of this dress more than a similar one sold by Universal Standard, I bought two of them and should receive them tomorrow.  Too bad that I don't have any journeys scheduled where I will be out and about for a week or two as Marian.  But when I do, this dress will be with me if I'm in a warm weather climate.

Now, to prune more items that I don't love from my wardrobe....

Now to clean up the mess in my apartment

 

I only wish my dining room table was still this "uncluttered".  Right now, the whole apartment (including the table) is filled with clutter.  But how did it happen? And, how can I eliminate the clutter?

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Before Covid, the clutter in my apartment was being kept to a manageable level.  The bi-weekly (then monthly) visit by my cleaning lady gave me the incentive to keep this place neat enough for her to come in on a regular basis.  However, the pandemic got in the way of everything, and I no longer bothered trying to keep the place "neat".  (With what was going on in my life then, as mentioned in my former blog, I was too depressed to bother keeping the place neat.)  Now that I am feeling much better about life, and have a solid relationship with a new girlfriend, it's still hard to get this place in order.  I no longer have the energy to do much of anything without some assistance.

Over the past year or so, I have been donating bags of clothes I no longer wear to charity.  God knows how many bags I've already donated.  But now, things have slowed down a bit.  Yet, I have much more to get rid of, and RQS will help me prune things some more.  I'm a bit embarrassed to have people come into this place, and I will have to make room for an electrician to work on every outlet.  We have aluminum wiring on our 15a circuits, and they need to make sure that the proper connectors are being used, so that we don't have an electrical fire.  I'm going to be quite busy soon!

With all the effort I'm likely to make, I expect one important thing to come of all of this - a less cluttered apartment.  Let's hope that I can keep it that way.

Cleaning up the apartment

 

This was the mess in my room from a couple of weeks ago.  When I started off the day, my bedroom still resembled this look, but with mess on the floor as well.  Today, I have cleaned up much of the mess on the floor, gotten everything in the closet that needs to be in there, loaded up a couple of donation bags for charity, and still have a lot to take care of.

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The process of apartment degradation began before the pandemic and accelerated once my cleaning lady stopped coming on a monthly basis due to the pandemic.  I never realized how bad it became until I started to face the enormous task of cleaning it up.  Every time I started to make headway, I lacked the energy to keep the process moving.  This, in part, was because I had to deal with having the energy to go to a job that is an energy suck.  It also was because I had little incentive to get the place "clean" until now.

I now have a deadline of next weekend to get this place clean enough for RQS to come up here.  This has kept me in the apartment all day creating donation bags, filling garbage bags, and doing the basic tasks of organizing things.  When RQS arrives, she knows that she will find a mess.  But she will also get a chance to see my female mode closet and my male mode closet.  Hopefully, she won't get turned off to me after she sees me turn myself into Marian for the day.

So far, I've been able to get some stuff cleaned up in both my bathroom and in my bedroom.  Hopefully, I'll get more done tomorrow, as I want for the rest of the week to be less troublesome and less of an energy suck.  Keep your fingers crossed....

What a fine mess!

 

As I write this, my bedroom is in a state of total chaos.  I've been going through several boxes in which I've dumped stuff over the past two years, and have been tossing things into a garbage bag.  However, this leaves me with a mess that I still must sort through before I can get the place back in order, have my cleaning lady return, and have people over to my apartment.  (Note: I made this mess on top of a linen chest, and hope to have it cleaned off tonight.)

The first year of the pandemic was a horrible one.  Yet, I was able to go to work as Marian for the first time.  The second year was better, as I was able to get out and about, meeting people along the way.  Through dating, I was able to meet a couple of nice people with whom I am still friends.  But depression got the better part of me, as exhibited by my apartment, and it's been taking me a long time to get any traction on cleaning things up.

A quarter of a century ago, one girlfriend helped me clean up the mess that accumulated while my wife was ill.  I can't ask anyone for help with this mess today - and I wouldn't do so if I could.  This is going to be a big project, and one that will take me a long time to finish. I've been trying to do a little bit of cleaning every day.  But, given this image of my mess, you can see that it can be overwhelming.  So I'm trying to take my project management experience and use it at home - break up the work into little pieces, schedule it, and then perform the tasks.

I just wonder - How many more people were like me, and let their residences go to hell during the pandemic....?

It's a fine day to do some house cleaning!

 

You should have seen this corner of the room before I started work on it!  There was a pile of assorted stuff where the fan is that had to be sorted through and dealt with - Keep, Donate, or Trash.  To do so, I had to make space in a second closet for the stuff I needed to keep.  So far, I'm at least $40 richer, as I found a cell phone holder that contained: (1) a $20 bill, (2) an MTA Metrocard for use on the subways, and (3) a blank check to be used for my co-pay when I visit my doctor.

At the time I wrote this, I still had the time to either go into NYC to catch a Broadway play at half price, or to visit my brother on Long Island.  So I'll talk about this (if warranted) some other day.  For now, I plan to keep up with my cleaning, then call CWS about getting together tomorrow.  At least, she understands the headaches of deferred house cleaning.

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A while back, I noted that I let things go to hell in my place shortly after the pandemic struck.  With the loss of two of the people I used to lean on for support, I had to build a new network from scratch - something very hard to do during the pandemic.  The mess that built up in this place was a direct result of the depression I was going through at the time.  Little did I know how bad this mess would grow.

Right now, my living room/dining area is a mess, and is filled with 5 large bags used for items I mean to donate to charity.  There will be more bags to go to charity in the near future, as I don't want to have storage containers (or shoes) in the other 3 corners of the bedroom.  Assuming that I were to get a new job (I'm waiting for the results of the interview.  I'm not counting on an offer, as I expect that age discrimination has already taken me out of the running), I will spend a couple of free days in a row to clean up this place.

Once I have this place tolerably clean, and have a place inside my closets for all of my feminine stuff, I will again have my cleaning lady come.  I'll bet that she will need an extra couple of hours (or more) to get rid of the dust, etc. that has accumulated over the two years since her last visit.

Enjoying a needed lazy day doing very little.

After a large feast, one's body needs time to recover.  And today was my time to rest.  I could have gone out and run some errands.  Instead, I relaxed in bed all day until evening came.  And then, as the sun went down, I started to fill up another donation bag (or two) with clothing from Mario's side of the closet.  I feel that if I lose weight, I would be better served by buying a new wardrobe in my new size, instead of wearing clothes I haven't been able to wear in several years.

If you wonder why I might refresh Mario's side of the closet some time in the future, it's simply because I'm not sure if I want to close the door as going out as Mario now and then. Until then, I have more than enough clothing on that side of the closet to get by.

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Right now, I know of some people who are also doing this sort of house/apartment cleaning.  One person I know has a deadline to get a residence cleaned out.  Another person simply has to pack up his goods and move out of a condo he's been living in for 3 years.  And still another person I know is simply doing a declutter operation, so that her place stays clean.  This person has suggested that I hire some help (as TCL has done) to facilitate this process.  I am not yet ready for this yet.  Instead, I'm treating my cleaning task as a form of "Swedish Death Cleaning."

My current goal is to prune both Mario's and Marian's closets to something resembling a normal couple's closets. And this involves a little ruthless pruning of things that are no longer worn in either mode.  I have already pruned garments given to me by my former cruise partner.  But I have kept a few of the things which are compatible with my current wardrobe style.

Hopefully, I will get the bulk of this cleanup done before I have the opportunity to bring someone back to the apartment.  But first, this cleanup, then getting my cleaning lady in to do her magic....

Sometimes, I feel like the world is closing down on me.

 

Lately, I have been feeling down in the dumps because of a few minor things.  But I can sum it up in a simple phrase that could be worrisome if I didn't know myself: "The Thrill Has Gone."

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Since my then girlfriend and I broke up in 2019, I haven't found a new spark to ignite my passions.The woman I called FH in this blog and I stopped seeing each other this spring. The woman I call MWL and I have developed a non-physical relationship.  Given my experiences with the late Ex-GF-M, I don't think I can afford to open up too much to her - even though she is accepting of Marian AND does some exercise. Part of me wants to have a romantic relationship, but is no longer thrilled by the effort it takes to have one.  But being alone is also unfulfilling.

If my "large" apartment was as neat, tidy and organized as the one in the picture, I'd probably be able to invite people now and then.  Alas, it's messy enough to keep me from getting any value out of having a cleaning lady come over.  Sooner or later, I'll have to try to get my cleaning lady back, and see if she can take over where she left off before the pandemic set in.

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The other day, I got an email saying that an interview had been scheduled for me with the New York Court system.  However, when I needed to print a document so that I could physically sign it, my printer ran out of ink.  Wouldn't you know it - I couldn't find any of the ink cartridges I had in my apartment.  So I'll have to go out and buy new ones.  AARGH!

I talked to the hostess of my Yonkers gaming group, and told her of the Court System interview.  She advised me to go as Mario.  And this is what I already planned to do before speaking with her.  This woman is a good resource for me, as she has her finger on the pulse of what is going on in the real world.

If I were to get the job, it'll feel a little strange going to work in trousers again.  But I found that being Marian helps keep me sane; this presentation just doesn't need to be an everyday occurrence.  Too bad that some people didn't understand this....

 

 

 

I could have gone early and shopped, but....

I hate Christmas shopping.  It's a pain to find the things people really need, and even harder to find the things that people would like but wouldn't get for themselves.  When I asked the hostess of my Thursday night meetup what to get her kids, she mentioned that her son would like anything with Goldfish on it, and that her daughter would like a diary with a lock.  At this time, it looks very doubtful that the daughter will get what she wants (from me) for Christmas.  But I'll try to do so....

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One of the things I had to do for Christmas was a double gift - I usually get my dad a pair of sweatpants for his birthday, then a sweatshirt on Christmas.  There's not much he can use and safely keep in his nursing home.  So I take care of the clothing, and let my brother come up with the rest of the gift ideas.

Before I did anything today, I made sure to leave my cleaning lady's cell phone outside my door so that her son could pick it up on his way home.  This gave me the option of taking a drive to Jersey to do some clothes shopping, but would force me to do a longer drive to see Patty for dinner tonight.  Instead, I stayed in bed all day, and only started to get dressed when I had just enough time to make it to dinner on time.

The drive to Mamaroneck was god awful.  The rain and the headlights made the road hard to see, and I was wishing I had cancelled dinner for safety's sake.  But Patty and I made it to the restaurant on time and we spent 3 hours chatting about anything and everything.  It's too bad that her husband had the flu - it would have been nice to see him too.  We talked about New Years' plans, and she is going to the place that GFJ and I went a couple of years ago.  I made a joke about showing up as Marian, and she felt that no one would recognize me outside the context in which they knew me.  That's a good sign of how far I've come along in my path towards the feminine.

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All too soon, Patty and I had to part ways.  I decided to call GFJ on my way to Target in Mt. Kisco - but she was either asleep, or enjoying herself in South Jersey.  Again, I was wishing I had stayed at home.  But at least, I found sweats for my dad's year end presents.

It's all a matter of timing and location.

Softball and baseball.  Both are sports played with a bat and a ball.  And both depend very much on the speed of the ball in motion and the location of that ball.  If the subject ball is thrown to the catcher in the right location, it is a strike.  If not, it is a "ball".  But if the subject ball is thrown at the wrong speed in the wrong location, the batter can hit the ball in a way that disadvantages the pitcher's side.  Timing and location of the pitch become quite important in a game that is not played with a clock governing the game.

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Why am I opening up with "Timing and Location" today?  Well, almost everything in today's activities could have been a disaster if the timing and location were different.  For example, today was my monthly visit from my cleaning lady.  I was leaving the house at 12 noon to see BXM.  If I had waited any longer, my cleaning lady might have seen me leave the apartment in my feminine presentation.  Instead, she might have seen me in a feminine presentation, but she didn't see me come out of my apartment.  So she may not have put 2 and 2 together to get 4.

I reached BXM's place around 12:45, and had to wait a long while before she came out.  This habit of hers is frustrating now, because she doesn't have to care for an ailing father.  When we finally got moving, we drove to a little venue near her house, and then went to her favorite thrift shop to do some shopping.  And this is something that, in retrospect, was a total waste of my time.  There is a good reason why a lot of goods make it to the thrift shops - many garments are not stylish enough to keep in a woman's closet after a wearing or two.  Often, the garments are old enough that their style has gone in and out of fashion several times.  I was not impressed with the garments I saw there - my time is much more important to me than inspecting about 6 linear feet of hanging garments to find only 1 or 2 dresses I might consider trying on for size, much less buy for my closets.

Around 4:00, BXM and I left the thrift shop, and she decided to pick up some food at the market around the corner from the thrift shop.  She told me that she'd be 5-10 minutes, and it took her over a half hour in the place.  While waiting for her, the deliveries to the thrift shop started coming in, and I vacated my parking spot instead of being blocked in by the delivery trucks.  So I drove around the corner and across the street to wait for BXM.  After 20 minutes or so, I tried to ring BXM to no avail.  Another 5 minutes later, I tried to ring her again.  No luck.  A few minutes later, I saw her come out of the store.  But I was not going to yell in my male voice to get her attention.  Instead, I'd drive back to the parking lot (but not enter), letting her see that my car was not there.  (She had 5-6 bags of groceries in her hands.)  I figured that I could give her a taste of similar medicine by not being there where and when she expected.  She texted me after a few minutes, and I told her where I was.  When I brought up the 2 phone calls I made to her, she claimed that she has hearing loss (a possibility), but her excuse doesn't fully ring true to me - she was talking with her cousin before I arrived, and she didn't bother to cut that chat short to be on time for me. 

Once I dropped BXM off, I killed time before going to game night.  I had a fun time there, and expect that I will have good news to report to "the gang" next week.  As usual, I ate too many snacks, and this is something I'll have to learn to manage in the future.  Hopefully, I won't eat too many snacks next week, as I'll have a doctor's visit the next day for my yearly physical.

Arriving home, I found 2 messages on my machine.  The first was from the census bureau, looking to find out if I could make it in for a training session on Tuesday.  I'll give the person a call sometime in the morning to say "yes", as I expect that my tenure with the bureau will officially start that morning.  The second call was from my cleaning lady.  She left her phone on my dining room table, and she reached out to find out if she left the phone here.  Only one problem - she gave an 11 digit phone number, not repeating the number  for me to be sure that I got it right, or that she spoke it right.  So I'll wait for her to reach out again, so that I can get her phone back to her as quickly as possible.

It's amazing how much mess I made and had to unmake.

No, this is not my bedroom.  Mine was much more messy than this when my cleaning lady called yesterday to tell me that she was coming over today.  So I made even more of a mess before cleaning things up at 3 am.  But I got a lot done, as 3 baskets of laundry that were in the chest in front of my bed were condensed into a half basket - all ready to be sorted out and put into the correct places.

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I often dread the days that my cleaning lady is expected, as I can never be sure of when (or if) she will come.  She is supposed to come here no earlier than lunch time.  But sometimes, things are cut way too close for my comfort.  Luckily, I was able to get her to limit her visits to either Thursdays or Fridays, as Thursday was my scheduled day to volunteer at the LGBT Center. This allowed me the security of knowing I could sleep late on the other days, and take "Jammie Days" whenever I need to take them.

You might ask, why do I keep this lady in my employ?  The answer is simple - she is honest.  The only thing I find missing in my apartment is garbage.  Other people have to keep an eye on their cleaning ladies, as many have sticky fingers.  I was lucky to have a friend refer this lady to me, and I still employ her over 20 years later on.

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This semester, Thursdays also have me attending speech therapy sessions.  The two students are trying our new ideas every week.  Last week, they gave me a carry over assignment eared to have me mimic the vocal and body language used in a couple of video clips.  However, it's hard for me to do so, as I react very differently than the main characters in the clips.  For example, I never would have reacted as Lucy would in her show - I'd have never knowingly let someone hold me down.  But then, I am not a woman of the 1950's. And I am thankful for that. 

Doing the carry over exercise this morning, I realized that my voice is a little lower than I would have wanted this morning. Is it because I am not exercising my upper range enough?  I don't know.  But as long as I can stay in the androgynous pitch range and continue developing feminine vocal inflections, I'll be happy where I'm going with my voice.

- - - - - -

I was very tired when I left the house, and thought my problem could be either one of two things: sleep deprivation or lack of food energy.  So I decided to go to a Chinese Buffet near White Plains to have a bite to eat. However, the food didn't help much.  Driving over to Mercy, I went through a construction zone, got distracted outside the zone, and hit a curb.  Although I don't think I did any serious damage to the tire or rim, I will bring this incident up when I go to Mavis for my oil change and tire rotation- just to have a more learned eye look at things.  Arriving at Mercy about 90 minutes early, I looked for a parking spot where I could rest for a while before going in for my session. Backing into a spot I found, I tapped the car behind me - something I rarely do.  At that point, I knew that I needed to take a nap, and that's what I did for an hour or so.

This week's speech therapy session went well.  But when I hear my voice, I feel I sound like a teenage boy whose voice hasn't cracked.  A comment I made about my voice is that I find it easier to speak with feminine prosody when I speak with an accent - especially, a southern accent.  They understand (even if they don't speak the language of cognitive psychology) that I have to overcome 62 years of male speech patterning and replace it with speech patterns appropriate for a 62 year old female.

- - - - - -

After the session, I drove home to relax and change into something more appropriate for a casual evening. A little more than 90 minutes later, I drove back to lower county to play games.  For a change, I won a game of San Juan.  Yay!  But the next game, Dixit, was a losing effort.  I couldn't get a clue, even if everything was explained to me as a child.  Yet, I had fun, and that's the important thing.

It always seems as if I'm getting interrupted during my favorite TV show.

I can't help but wish I could trigger the tune "Park Avenue Beat" to play on the speaker when this entry gets opened.  It would only be fitting given the picture above.

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Today, I was fully awake when my favorite morning TV show came on.  And about 40 minutes into the show, I received a call that I didn't answer.  Seems like my cleaning lady wants to come 2 weeks early, as her next visit would coincide with Thanksgiving.  AARGH!  I have yet to pick up the cleaning supplies she requested on her last visit.  Luckily, I have a change of bed linens ready for her to put on the bed.

Around noon, I ended up going to the dentist, and I got some bad news.  A tooth that my former dentist was monitoring was about to fail, so my wallet will be $2500 lighter sometime next month.  OUCH!   At least I can plan for this expense, as well as another tooth that is likely to fail next year. Once done with the dentist, I went to a local pizzeria to get some lunch before going home to change into a female presentation for tonight's dinner. 

After I had changed, I performed a couple of errands before driving up to Fishkill for dinner. And at 5:45, I was on my way.  GFJ had called me while I was getting ready to leave, so I called her back.  She was on her way to her dining meetup - at the Culinary Institute of America, while I was on my way to the Dutchess Biercafe.  What was most unusual about our chat had nothing to do with its content.  Instead, we were able to keep talking, even though I drove through an area that I usually lose phone service along Route 9.  (T-Mobile has many more dead spots than Verizon, and I am still thinking of changing carriers almost a year after I started on their network.)  Both of us reached our destinations at the same time, so we agreed to call each other back after dinner.

Our meetup group had the whole of one room to ourselves.  It was very noisy, but it was fun.  WDJ sat at the table behind me, and we didn't get the chance to talk much.  Luckily, there were other ladies at my table with whom I enjoyed some nice chats.  Although the Biercafe had a restaurant week menu, I chose to order a dinner sized appetizer off the main menu - "The Best of the Wurst".  (I love German style sausages!)  And this was more than enough food for me.

On the way home, I stopped at Walmart to pick up cleaning supplies for my cleaning lady to use.  Since she will be coming tomorrow afternoon, I figured that I needed to pick up these supplies tonight.  Once out of Walmart, it was time for another phone call to GFJ.  She had still not prepared for her trip.  Hopefully, she'll do a load of wash, then dry it tonight, as she'll be very busy in the morning before she gets on the road....

A visit to the doctor and more

Today, I had only two planned things on my plate - a visit to the doctor, and a volunteer stint at the LGBT Center.  I had already postponed my stint at Arts Westchester to Tuesday, so that I could have enough energy for the LGBT Center, and thought that this would be the end of my day.  Instead, I ended up seeing GFJ for dinner and had a mixed ending to a good day.

- - - - - -

Yesterday, I called my cleaning lady and arranged for her to visit my apartment today.  After 6 weeks, things were getting in need of her magic - and she said she'd be visiting this afternoon.  So I was very lucky to have a 9:30 appointment with my doctor, giving me enough time to change from my masculine presentation to my feminine presentation for the rest of the day.

The doctor's visit was booked to be my yearly physical.  Instead, it ended up being a "follow up" visit from July, as my last yearly physical was in December, not November as I had remembered.  Of course, this made the visit a quick one, and I was back in the house before 11:00 - enough time for me to change into my female presentation before going out to volunteer.

Shortly before noon, I left my apartment and took the slow road to the LGBT Center.  On the way down, I returned WDJ's call from yesterday, and we chatted for about a half hour about things I won't mention here.  And then I arrived at the LGBT Center for my weekly stint.

Today's task was simple - verify all entries on the published event calendar on Meetup against that in the center's flyer.  Catching an error or two, I fixed them without doing too much thinking.  But then, two other people came in - and they disturbed my short train of thought.  One person was an older woman who needed to talk with someone - and I was that person.  Then the other person came in, a young man, and got involved in the conversation that I was really not in the mood to have at the moment.  By the time I was finished with the event calendar, two hours had passed - and it was time to leave.

On the way home, I received a call from GFJ.  She wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner tonight.  So it was off to my apartment, then to change, and then to drive to Newburgh.  Of course, I had to change back to a male presentation for dinner before going out again.  I made it to the Flaming Wok Buffet at 7:00.  As usual, GFJ was a little late.  And for the next hour, we chatted about unimportant stuff. (One of those topics was the shutdown of my old blog and my relationship with my former travel partner.) Then, it was time to discuss "the elephant in the room" - our relationship.  Neither of us are sure where it's headed, but I figure it best to give her the time she needs to be sure of what she wants.  (I have ideas, but won't taint her decision process by mentioning them before her decision is made.)  She's a good person to have in my life.  But I have the kind of love that knows that I may have to let her go to have the happiness I want for her to have.  Hopefully, that won't need to happen.

Then, it was time to go home.  I was more alert on the way home than I was on the way to Newburgh.  That was good fortune.  I'm not sure I'd have made it home had I been as tired as I was in the afternoon.  I have mixed feelings after tonight's dinner, and so does GFJ.  But I won't let them get in the way of doing what has to be done in my life.