There are differing degrees of being busy....

 

Later this week, I will be heading down to Queens to meet with RQS and take her to the theater.  We will be seeing Sarah Millican perform at the Beacon Theater in NYC.  From there, we will be going back to her place to pick up some luggage, and then go to my house for a couple of evenings before spending a night in New Jersey.  I'll be all over the place when I'd rather be spending time near home.

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In December 2021, I met a woman who cruises at least 3-4 times each year. Last year, she made it both to Africa and Antarctica.  This year, it's a couple of Alaska cruises, with an east coast run later in the year.  Next year, it's off to Australia and then a partial crossing of the Pacific.  I am very envious!  But then, I am trying to figure out ways that I can afford to sail more often than I do.

I've been writing notes about the things I've learned about cruising and plan to start writing a blog about my travels.  It is something that will keep my mind active, as well as give me a reason to keep up my travels.  Although I have sailed 10-11 times, I feel that I have exhausted many of the typical North American cruise experiences on the major cruise lines.  Caribbean islands all seem to have forts, shopping districts, and beaches.  The New England/Canada route tends to become repetitive after a couple of sailings.  And the Alaska route could have a "been there, done that" feel after a cruise there.  Hawaii stands out only because of the travel needed to reach these islands in the middle of the pacific.  And yet, it's not a cruise that may hold one's interest after a second trip. So, it'll be a good thing to expand my horizons and travel further afield.

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Being busy may mean different things to different people.  To me, being busy is more the idea of keeping one's mind occupied than one's body occupied.  I keep myself busy by planning trips and writing about my experiences - especially those regarding life as a transgender person.  As long as I have things to look forward to, I hope to keep myself busy by preparing for those things to happen. It should be a good time....

I received an interesting message today.

 

First, I am not going to discuss the who sent me the message, or what its contents were.  Yet, the fact that this message was sent is very interesting.  (Long time readers of this blog can read between the lines to guess who I am talking about.)

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Sometimes, one acquaintance has something to say about another mutual acquaintance.  Today's message was one of those communications.  It seems that an issue I had to deal with in regards to the acquaintance drove another person crazy.  We both have similar feelings about the mutual acquaintance.  Yet, it is interesting that in my last (or, should I say, "Final") communication with the acquaintance, that the acquaintance wanted to say that she stopped communication with the other person.

Somewhere, I have learned that there is my viewpoint, your viewpoint, and an objective viewpoint to all disputes.  In this case, I have a feeling that I know what the objective truth is regarding many things, and I'm glad that I am no longer dealing with a certain person who I now see as a lonely bully.  There is a part of me that misses this one acquaintance.  But I feel much better that I don't have to deal with this person's issues any longer.

A death of an acquaintance.

 

This picture has nothing to do with about what I am writing about today.  Yet, it was a reminder that I had to get around to writing about a death of someone I haven't seen in years.

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Years ago, I went to school with a man who joked about forming his own Klan.  (Spelling that word with a "K" is intentional.)  This man was raised by an intolerant Germanic father, and he inherited many of his attitudes from his dad.  At that time, I liked this person (I didn't have good taste in people then), and I ended up buying an insurance policy from him when he was in the insurance business.  

Over the years, we lost contact, and he went his own way with his life.  Yet, I was shocked to hear from him via Facebook, and I felt that he had the same attitudes he had in his past, as he was a Trump supporter. When he died, I decided to look at his Facebook page, and I was surprised by several things.  First, he was no longer posting stupid things on his Facebook page, and there was little trace of the Trump support he showed in the past.  Next, it appeared that he married again (he was already divorced once when I knew him), and that nothing showed up in his feed showing what this woman looked like. And finally, it looks like he had done a complete turnabout in regard to racial relations.

Sadly, I will not be in the NYC area when a memorial service is held for him.  I would like to find out what happened to him in the years since we were together.  I wonder what he would think if he were to find out that I am transgender.  Unfortunately, some things can not be known....


PS: I later found out that he was still on his second marriage.  Never trust personal data shared on Facebook.

I sent out a letter

The other day, I sent out a letter to someone I once had as a close friend.  Although I was the person who caused the rift two years ago, I was recently pissed at her for  cursing me out for no real reason.  She perceived a slight from me when I disagreed with her labeling of an action of hers as a favor when it wouldn't be considered such by most people.  I figured that I'd bide my time, and waited to send my response to her.  

Now, my recent letter wasn't nasty.   No longer was I going to be apologetic for what I did, now that 2 years have passed. If we hadn't found a way to rebuild a burnt bridge, then why keep trying?  Instead, I simply needed to get some things off my chest other than my falsies.  Sadly, she is the type to anger easily, and never consider a form of reconciliation.  (No, I'm not looking for a friendship.  Instead, I just wanted to say a couple of things I felt she needs to hear.)  Nor is she the type to listen to what someone else has to say when she feels slighted.  Thankfully, there never was any sexual chemistry between us - I'd hate to have lived with her "Sturm und Drang" under the same roof.

Do I miss this ex-friend?  Sometimes, but not often.  I miss her even less now after she tried to make me feel bad for not having her in my life. There are times that I want to share something, then realize that this person is no longer in my life and not available for sharing. (I scattered the ashes of that former friendship months ago.)  Luckily, I have enough people in my life with whom I can share things, and I don't need this person anymore.

This ex-friend once thanked me for introducing her to another of my acquaintances, but did it in a way which felt like she was trying to rub salt into old open wounds. (This acquaintance now knows of what happened at the end of summer, and of this letter.) It would be nice if this ex-friend would think of how other people would think of her words and actions before doing anything, instead of speaking or acting on impulse.  Maybe, she might get the happiness she wants and deserves in life.  I hope she finds this happiness soon.  I just won't be there to see it.

 

 

Looks like a last meetup for a while

 

Years ago, Peter and Gordon sang about "A World Without Love."  It was a great tune penned by two great artists you might have heard of: Lennon and McCartney.  As I write this, tomorrow will likely be the last day that I attend a specific meetup.  I'll be glad that Vicki will be in tow, as we want to enjoy a good meal after hanging out at the HV Live Music Meetup.  (I have written about this meetup group before, so I won't bother talking about my history with the people in it now.)  It'll be a bittersweet thing for me, as I will miss getting together with the people there, but failed to develop the friendships I wanted there.

Lately, I've been going to fewer and fewer meetups, save for my Yonkers Gaming Group which is no longer on Meetup.com.  This is just as well, as I am feeling much more exhausted from this job I'm in than any job I've had before. I don't have as much need to present myself as Marian.  Instead, I simply have a need to be me - no matter how I present myself at the time.  

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The other day, I received another post from my acquaintance in Philadelphia, and forwarded it to a former friend.  She's been silent as of late, and this is much better than the last time we communicated with each other.  Every so often, I look for a response from her in a specific email account that I know I will never receive.  I hope to be able to see this acquaintance soon,  as I don't expect her to be around at this time next year.  (Hopefully, I'll be proven very wrong in the future.)  To do so, I may have to wrap a day or two around a 3 day weekend to do so, as I would also want to take the train to DC to see another acquaintance or two.

Once I leave my current job, I will be free to travel as much as I'd like.  However, I have to make sure that I have enough income coming in to afford my travels.  There is a bucket list trip or two that I plan to take in the next 2 years, and this means both time and money.  Ideally, I'll be able to work part time as needed.  But as I get older, the less I want to do so. Instead, the older I get, the more I want to get on a cruise ship and relax.  Hopefully, I will make new friends when I do so, unlike the last time I cruised....

 

 

Sometimes, it's too easy to delete voicemails

Lately, I've gotten so much spam voicemail that I've forgotten that sometimes I person I want to hear from will leave me a message.  This is what happened to me this weekend.

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Recently, a woman at work and I have struck up a friendly acquaintanceship.  When I mentioned that I might need help sorting out all of the medicare options available to me, she volunteered to put her friend in contact with me.  One problem - I accidentally deleted the voicemail, and I don't remember the woman's name.  So I'll have to go back to my friend, mention the situation, and hope I can get the information I need.

Most of the time, dealing with voicemail spam is easy. One swipes to the right to delete the spam.  But when there's lots of spam in the voice mail folder, performing this task can be tedious.  Yes, there are ways to highlight each bad message and then mass deleting them.  But the process is not intuitive.  So I tend to do this one message at a time, and often delete messages I want to keep.

Yet, I'm willing to clean up the mess on my phone, as it's a lot easier to deal with the mess on my computer or in my apartment.

 

 

Something I have to say....

 

There is a reason I chose this picture to lead off an entry in this blog.  Only the person who I hope reads this will understand why it is here....

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Recently, I received  a communication from someone who will remain nameless and faceless - as desired by that person.  It was a picture that was sent in response to this post ("An acquaintance has cancer"), saying it was a favor.  The friend I was with when I received this picture interpreted this communication as something other than a favor, confirming my read on things. (I could have been totally wrong on intent.  So I hope this person understands why I felt this way.)  Without going into any more details than this, I hope this person and her friend had a great time at their gathering.

Unfortunately, my actions in the past hurt this person very much, and all I can do anymore is to say "I'm Sorry".  Sadly, I feel that it will never be enough for her. This is a place where I burnt a bridge without meaning to, and nothing I can do or say can help alleviate this person's pain.  There are only so many "Mea Culpas" one can say before one stops caring to say "I'm Sorry" to someone who has been wronged.  One can only wear a Hair Shirt for just so long....

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In regard to another person who will also go nameless and faceless, I got to thinking that this person hurt me without meaning to.  An action noted in a statement of hers  in a recent conversation echoed an action that could have originally been her way of trying to get my attention, and it backfired big time.  Again, with things playing out the way they did, I'm not sure if anything much can be done to bridge more of the gap between us.  It'd take much more work from both of us to do that, and I haven't yet seen or heard what's needed from her if she wants to take the next step towards a solid friendship.  (Yet, I can hope this happens.)

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In both cases, there was cause for a person to feel betrayed.  And in both cases, things blew up and got out of control.  In the recent case, I only saw this picture with negative intent.  It might have been better had it not been sent, as the messages exchanged afterwards brought up ill feelings for both of us.  Yet, when I think about it, this was a case of two people who didn't trust each other, both finding out that after a negative incident that relearning how to trust a person and their motives can and will take some time.  It's never easy to cut a person some slack after a lot of hurt feelings.

 

 

 

PS: I hope that both people referenced here won't get too upset at my mention of this picture and the associated text messages....

 

 

An acquaintance has cancer.

 

The following is from an acquaintance in our TG community that I only had the pleasure of meeting once....

Ok so I guess it’s finally time to tell the whole story.

 

Let’s get the big thing out of the way first: About two and a half weeks ago, I found out that I have stage 3 lung cancer. That means it’s treatable. Stage 4 means get your affairs in order and say your last goodbyes. I’m hoping I get through this but really who knows?

 

What it means in the immediate practical sense is that my new full-time job is seeing doctors, I mean like basically daily. It also means I have very little income. Not a great combo as you can imagine. To top that off, I managed to blow out my voice last week so talking on the phone isn’t easy, bordering on the near-impossible. It’s starting to come back but soooo slowly. 

 

I’m fortunate enough to qualify for some social programs but juggling all the appointments isn’t easy. On top of all that, I thought I’d lost my debit card so I ordered a new one, and am now waiting for a replacement. While I wait, I can only pay for things with PayPal. Also not easy.

 

In some ways, I’m lucky. I have good friends who check up on me to make sure their friend is not only still alive but not cracking under all the pressure, which I’ve come much too close to more times than I’d like recently. The people at the hospital and my regular doc and therapist have been wonderful and an incredible help in helping me learn what I need to know to deal with all this. 

 

It’s so hard, and thus far I’m not doing that great a job of it. Sometimes, it gets a bit overwhelming, and if you’ve been reading my recent posts, you’ve seen what I’m like when that happens. 

 

The truth is that I still don’t know how to deal with all this, though I am learning. Today was my first and I’m told the worst day of radiation treatment. Chemotherapy begins Wednesday. That’s gonna suck.

 

I’m not exactly living on Xanax but I am taking it more than I used to, to a point where I’m becoming a little concerned about becoming dependent. I know I won’t OD. I know this drug backward and forward. I do, however have an addictive personality and was a pill popper back in my punk days. I use Xanax when I need it. It just seems like I’m needing it a little too often right now.

 

It’s just not a good time for me right now. The treatment will be six weeks, five days a week. Like I said literally a full-time job. I can’t shake the feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better, and I’m not even sure they’re going to get better. To merely say it’s fucking scary would be putting it mildly.

 

Now that my closest friends and family know, I figured it was time to tell everyone else, you, my extended family. I have no idea how this is going to shake out, other than I’m going to do my best to try to keep my shit together and get through this somehow. 

 

I know what comes next and yet I don’t. This is hard.

 

This acquaintance showed me that if one has a will, she can find doctors who will perform her Gender Confirmation Surgeries at a low price. She suffered a lot of discrimination because she is transgender.  Her personal style may have isolated her from some of her family - our mutual connection mentioned that this acquaintance didn't keep up with her correspondences.  (This forum is not the place to discuss that issue.)  But I will say that our mutual connection seemed thankful that I forwarded this message on to her.

 

I would have liked to know this person better before she moved away from the NYC area.  Hopefully, she will recover, and be a stronger person on the other side of this adversity.  Until I know more, my thoughts and prayers are with her....

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

                   

It was the day before Wednesday, and all through the house....

 

I miss being able to get out to the California coast, as it holds many memories for me.  My late wife always wanted to live in San Francisco, and I scatted her ashes there.  If there's something that lives on after we die, I hope she's happy with the choice I made....

Sadly, the pandemic has put a damper on many of the plans people had made for 2020 and early 2021 (so far).  Things will start returning to a new normal during the summer. Until then, I'm finding it hard to write something new every day.  And this means that I sometimes play "catch-up" in writing new entries for this blog. Today's entry was a slight case of playing catch-up.

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The other day, I chatted with an acquaintance from Manhattan. The more I talk with her, the more that I think that I'll be culling her from my contacts.  She's one of those left wing liberals who have no understanding of how our political system got as screwed up as it is, and is as hard set in her conspiracy theories as her equivalent from the right.  This the attitude that upsets me when Pat and I get into our political discussions, as it ends up in a feeling of resignation that they have already lost their battles with the world.

Lately, my sleep patterns have been screwed up.  Often, I have been falling asleep in the late afternoon, and losing much of the early evenings to do things.  Then, I've been falling asleep before midnight, and waking up too late to do much of anything without risking not being able to wake up at a reasonable morning hour.  At least, I've been able to be conscious by 9 am - if I want to make the effort to do so.

For the most part, things have been quiet around here - and I hope it stays that way.

 

 

 

Sometimes, I find people amazing. Today was one of these days.

Without mentioning names, someone from my past called me today.  No, it was not an ex of any type.  Instead, it was someone who dropped out of contact for reasons connected to exes of one sort or another.

Chatting with this acquaintance reminded me of why I found chatting with this person to be awkward.  This person is not that sensitive to social cues, and one has to perform abrupt conversational breaks to get words in edgewise.  But I wonder why this person came out of the woodwork now.  And I have my guesses that I won't publish here.

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I got to exchange messages with the 3 women I've dated recently.  Let's call them #1, #2, and #3 for now.  I've dated #1 several times, and she has commented on my lack of PDA.  Thinking back, I don't remember seeing my dad hold my mom's hand, and I think that's where I get part of my awkward style with women. There is one potential show stopper - she doesn't drive, and would need to use mass transit to reach me. I've dated #2 twice, and it looks like we'll get together again next week.  This is the woman who has met me while I'm presenting as female.  She's a decent woman, and I haven't detected any show stoppers - save that she has had dental problems.  Lastly, I dated #3 once, and she would normally have the most promise in a world where I were not transgender. She's pretty goal oriented in dating me (for lack of a better expression) and I think she might be OK when finding out about my nature.

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This week, I've been going to work in the evening, taking Friday off to take TCL to the hospital for a minor procedure.  While at work, I had the chance to chat with one of my coworkers, and she mentioned the possibility of working from home with the folks from her primary job.  Would I be interested?  Probably.  But it's all a matter of how much work I want to do.  And therein lies the question - how much work do I really want to do?

While at the office, I decided to take a break and go outside to connect with my friends in Texas.  I haven't been able to participate in the Zoom meetup for a while, and figured that things were slow enough to spend 15 minutes chatting with the group.  And, of course, I was in rare form.  Too bad that one woman I dated could never see this side of me bloom.

I figure that my current publishing schedule works for me right now.  No longer do I need to rush to the computer to write my daily posts - I know that my most recent ex was a little peeved at me spending as much time as I did near a computer.  And I'll bet that whoever is next in my life will want to be a little more touchy-feely than I was in my prior relationships.  (This is one of woman #1's complaints she voiced to me this morning.)  So, cutting back on blog posts may be an inexpensive part of the price I have to pay to have a better relationship than I had for the past few years.

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As much as I find people strange, I accept most people for what they are - flawed, and a little insane - just like me.  I miss a few of the people who have passed through my life. But I don't miss the "Sturm und Drang" that I had to deal with to get to this point in life.