So much time and yet, not enough - a short post.

 

This week, I would normally have enough time to get out and about as Marian.  Even though I'm retired, there are many places I'd like to go, but not enough available time to go to them.  For example, I would have liked to go to the 9/11 museum today (it's free late Monday afternoons these days), but the weather will get in my way.  Other times, conflicting schedules waste a bit of my time.  I'd like to see some of my friends, but I'm rarely free on weekends anymore.

Given that we were expecting bad weather later tonight, I decided to drive RQS back home and then park my car in a visitor's space in the co-op's parking lot.  This way, I wouldn't need to move my car to make room for the plow to pile up snow behind my parking spot.  However, I might be "stealing" a parking spot from someone who may need a spot tonight.  So I will move my car from the spot when the snow ends, and not before.

Will I have enough time to do the ever increasing amount of laundry that I have accumulated?  Yes, but....  The question should be:  Will I use my time most productively?  And for that question, I must answer by saying I'm not sure.

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As I write this, I hear snow plows outside clearing snow from our parking lot. There is not much snow on the ground, but enough to cause trouble.  If I go outside to clear off my car, I will likely do it as Mario, as I don't want to ruin anything in my feminine wardrobe.  It is one of the decisions I have to make as a transgender person.

Being a transgender person who lives in both masculine and feminine worlds, I am always making decisions about how I will present myself to the world. It's not always easy for me, as I may have to switch presentations during the day and arrange my life to do so.  This is often the case when I schedule a doctor's visit as Mario, but then have another appointment that requires my presence as Marian.  Yet, I've managed to keep my life as Mario separate from my life as Marian.  Unfortunately, there is never enough time left for me as Marian.

RQS is aware and understands my need to be my authentic self.  I am very grateful to have her in my life.  Both of us know heartbreak, and are doing our best to build up a solid relationship that will last.  Yet, there are things that scare me at times. But I am not going to let those fears get the better of me.  When one commits to a relationship, one is there in good times and bad.  The potential for bad times will always scare me a little, as no one wants to deal with hard times early in a relationship. Hopefully, luck and good fortune will always be on our side.

 

The search for the missing set of keys

 

Unlike most men, most women carry their essentials (e.g. Wallet, Keys, Tissues, etc.) in a handbag.  When going out as a female, I do what other women do - use a handbag.  I have humorously described a handbag as being like a black hole: It has infinite capacity, and useful things can only be extracted from its "event horizon." Once deep enough into the bag, it's hard to find anything anymore.  This weekend, I learned how deep a handbag could get.

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On Friday, RQS and I decided to spend the afternoon driving out to Paramus, NJ again, so that she could pick up a miniature roasting pan like the one I have, that she could use in her toaster oven. Since this was a day I would be presenting as a female because of a planned stop at Lane Bryant, I got shaved, showered and dressed.  Then out the door we went.  It was a smooth drive until we crossed the river into Rockland county, where we hit the expected traffic jam just West of the bridge. But soon afterwards, it was smooth sailing to Home Goods, and then to Ikea.  After buying the pan, it was off to Lane Bryant where I looked at a few blazers that were slightly too small for me, while RQS looked at a couple of dresses.

Soon, it was a short drive home, where the next day's "fun" was to begin.  On the way home, we stopped off at Trader Joe's to pick up some food and loaded 3 bags into the car.  When we got home, I opened the door, put the keys into my bag, then loaded the refrigerator with what I brought inside.

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Saturday came, and we didn't start getting ready to go outside until early afternoon.  After getting ready to go out to RQS's friend's exhibit at a Yonkers art gallery, I noticed something was missing - my keys!  There was no way I could go anywhere without them.  It was a mad search for keys, and all I could find were Mario's set of keys on my desk.  So I knew to be extra careful with this set while out for the day.

We arrived at the art gallery and chatted with RQS's friend.  I was introduced as Marian, and RQS caught up on old times.  Then it was time to go home.  Once home, we tore apart the place and found nothing.  The keys found a good place to hide from us, and they weren't coming out without a fight. After a 2-3 hour search, we gave up, and I resigned myself to paying a locksmith to cut a new set of keys, and to programming the car key - at a cost of $250 or so.  Ouch!

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The clocks changed, but I couldn't get to sleep until 4 am or so.  Sunday morning arrived, and I only had 4 hours of sleep - for 2 days in a row.  But this time, I had an idea.  My bag has front and back zippers.  The front zipper opens a small section of the bag where a woman can put her lipstick, etc. to be accessed easily.  The back zipper opens a section of the bag (along with a bottom zipper) which can be used to attach the bag to a luggage handle for travel.  I've misplaced my keys in that pseudo-compartment before.  So I'd check this area again when I got up.  Lo and behold, the keys were there.  What a relief.  What a way to start the day!

An unplanned early visit with RQS

 

I chose the above image for no particular reason.  It just fit my mood for the start of the day.  Yet, it fits how I felt on waking up - tired, semi-conscious, dry-eyed, and stumbling to the loo.  It was time to go back to sleep, but I didn't....

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Due to reasons I won't post here, RQS came up from the city a day early. This meant that we could have dinner together and go to game night together.  (RQS usually has a compressed day on Thursdays, as she takes care of things that nourish her soul, as well as things to prepare for her visit the day after.)  So, it was nice to be able to have her up here and share an experience that XGFJ wouldn't share with me because I'd be in Marian mode.

Upon arrival, RQS and I went to the local Mexican restaurant down the hill from us.  Unlike the last time we were there, the place was relatively empty and we had a nice meal with decent service.  Because the place was empty, there was little reflected noise from the hard walls, and we were easily able to hear each other speak, unlike the last time we were there.  (This has been my big complaint about the place, not the restaurant, since it was rebuilt years ago.  The walls reflect and amplify sound, making it hard to hear conversations when the place is crowded.)  As much as I enjoyed the fish tacos I ordered, I wouldn't order them again unless I wanted to make a mess of myself - they were overloaded with filling!

Our next stop was game night, where I got into a game which required a little bit of experience before playing well.  Mistakes I made early on caused me to lose the game.  But I'd play it again later on.  At least, we were able to get RQS into a simpler game afterwards - Qwirkle.  It's a simple game where one tries to match colors or patterns (in rows) for points. (Don't ask me to explain the simple rules of the game at this time of day.)  

All too soon, game night was over, and we had to go home. 

All I did today was bake brownies and launder some clothes - a short post

 

This is the way I felt today.  I was not in the mood to get up and get dressed, much less leave the house. Yet, I ended up doing a couple of loads of laundry and bake a tray of brownies for tomorrow's game night.

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The good and bad thing about doing laundry in my building is that I must go up and down 2 flights of stairs a minimum of 3 times on laundry days.  This means I get a little bit of exercise (very little) each time I take care of this chore.  Yet, it seems to get harder and harder over the years, as I still want to carry two full baskets up and down the stairs, and feel less comfortable (safe?) doing this.  This is one chore I usually do in Mario mode, as I do it on days I don't feel like putting on my make up and going out in the world as Marian.

Once I was done with laundry, I started on the task of baking brownies.  A while back, I found a recipe for 2-ingredient Nutella brownies.  Tonight, I took out my mixing bowl, my hand blender, a baking pan I could put in my toaster oven, Nutella and 8 eggs.  75 minutes later, I had some tasty goodies I'll be bringing to game night/

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One possible bit of good news for me - due to a change of plans, RQS may be joining me for game night tomorrow.  I'd have rather had her enjoy herself throwing some clay and honing her pottery skills. But this change of plans was not one either of us would have chosen.  We've been given some lemons, and we're trying to make some lemonade.

Even though winter is almost over, it still seems very cold.

 

This is a view of Provincetown, MA that I've never seen in person - snow along Commercial Street.  Part of me would love to be there in the winter, when Summer's denizens have long been gone.  Yet, I'm glad I'm not there, as none of the things I love about the town are available without its Summer visitors.

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I've been in P'town during the other 3 seasons of the year, and love the vibe there.  This is when the artist community is in residence, and when one can enjoy the town to its fullest.  Years ago, I went there with my late wife, and stayed at a hotel at the far end of the main drag.  After she died, I stayed in the heart of town with Patty, my ex-girlfriend. And I've been there with other people close to my heart.

The only time I've been there towards the end of the season is when I once attended Fantasia Fair.  Even though I was there for only 3 days, I made some acquaintances I'm still in contact with to this day.

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Over the past few days, it was cold enough for some patches of snow to survive on the ground.  But it felt colder than that because of the wind chill.  If it were warmer, I'd have tried on some new tights from Sheertex to see how they feel.  Unfortunately, I will have to wait for a while - just like the people of P'town will need to wait for the tourists to come back.

Once the weather gets a little warmer, I will be back in dresses and enjoying the world outside.  I look forward to taking a day or two outside of peak season and take RQS there for a short stay.  Maybe she'll understand why I love this area - especially outside of peak season.

Now that I'm part of a couple....

 

RQS and I.  It seems like we're always together these days.  Not bad for a transgender woman who knows her limits.  And I hope that it keeps going as well as it has been so far.  But this post is not directly about RQS.

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Before I met RQS, I was thinking about getting more involved with the church I have sporadically attended. It would have been nice socializing with the other ladies of the church, and gradually perfecting my feminine persona.  But I would have felt a void, as an area for socialization was taken away from me due to the craziness between myself, XGFJ, and FCP.  This is not the place to rehash the past, so I'll skip all of the details.  Now that RQS is in my life, I no longer have the time or inclination to hang out with the FTF meetup group in Connecticut.

Life for me is very different than I envisioned a year ago.  For example, I haven't shared a dinner table on a cruise since meeting RQS.  And sometimes I miss the random element that chooses my dinner companions.  It was nice to meet people and find out new things from people not in my circle of acquaintances.  Even when I met a GOP couple from Louisiana (dining at a shared table) on a trip with FCP, I enjoyed the conversation as a single - until FCP got there and turned a learning experience into a debate.  People change their positions slowly, and a smart person avoids controversy when there is no gain to be had. 

Yes, there are times that I couch my words so that phrases I'd use in the past do not upset RQS.  This is a reasonable thing to do, as we come from very different social groups.  Yet, we are very much alike, and have developed a sense of trust that doesn't usually come as quickly as it has.

- - - - - -

Today, I drove RQS back home, so that she could go to the gym and do her exercises.  Why did I do that when there was a train that could be taken?  Well, RQS bought a large volume (space, not count) of paper goods and needed to get them to her house. So, we put them in the trunk of my car, and proceeded to her house.  In all the confusion when in her neighborhood when we arrived, we were rushing to get her luggage out of my car before the bus came by.  Of course, we forgot the paper goods in my trunk!

Luckily, we can smile at things like this.  To have a person in my life who makes me feel good, that accepts me for who and what I am, and communicates in sync enough with me that we have yet to have a major disagreement is some sort of miracle for which I am thankful.

I just booked another cruise!

 

I saw this itinerary the other day, and said that I have to book it.  The best man at my wedding lives near one of these ports, and I would like to see him one last time.

But first....

Yesterday, RQS and I paid for our next cruise and decided to take this cruise early next year.  Both of us get to see people important to us, and both of us will be spending money that could have gone to a cruise in Marian mode.  This is not as much of an issue as it seems, as RQS is warming up to the idea of spending life with me, more and more in Marian mode.

I wish I could take the above trip in Marian mode.  Without knowing how any of the foreign ports deal with transgender people, I do not want to risk getting off the ship with government issued id that differs from my current gender presentation.  Hopefully, I will be able to rectify this at some future date. Sometime soon, I plan to research how many foreign ports look at transgender people, especially those who are either in the middle of physical transition, or those whose gender presentation disagrees with that on their government issued id.  In my case, I tend to play it safe with my travels, only getting off of a ship when I know my rights are protected by the locality.  When I have any doubts, I stay onboard and stay safe in my bubble until the next port.

Is it right that we should fear to live full lives?  No!  Sadly, we are not able to force others to treat us fairly.  But our money can do so.  Greed is an important motivator for many people.  If they can see profit in treating people with respect, they will do so.  For us to be free, it will be our money that has to do the talking.  In the future, I hope that it will be our money, and the size of our community that will make the difference for us when we travel to places on the route above.