Rainy days and Mondays always get me down

 

I can still remember the beautiful voice of Karen Carpenter singing a song with a line in the chorus going "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down."  And on Memorial Day, it was both a rainy day and a Monday.  But I wasn't as depressed as I could be, as I had company - RQS decided not to go home in the bad weather, and stayed over an extra night.

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What could be an old adage?  "We must be married.  We do nothing together."  In our case, we are so relaxed around each other, that we don't feel the need to rush out to find things to do.  Could this be a byproduct of getting old?  Maybe.  But I think it's more that we don't need to entertain each other all the time.

As I look through online store websites, I occasionally find myself saying: "Would this look good on me?"  Just like a woman, don't you think?  Well, when we occasionally shop together, I've found that we have both asked this question of each other when shopping in-person and online.  Recently, I asked her to critique two garments I bought from Universal Standard, and she approved of them.  She's confident enough in herself to be comfortable with me as Marian, and I feel confident enough in her that I can be in between gender presentations in front of her, such as when I take off my wig at home (or some garments) and have that awkward, "Half Dressed" look about me.

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On Memorial Day, RQS and I rested most of the day, and went out just as it started to pour.  The heavy rains didn't last long, but our drive did - much of it while chatting with TCL about nothing worth remembering.  After a quick snack, we decided to drive a little more before going home for a while, then out for dinner.

To be safe, I tend to avoid places in Marian mode that usually see me as Mario, and avoid places in Mario mode that usually see me as Marian.  So, we went to a pizzeria that I usually go to as Marian and enjoyed a large pie (of which I ate too much).  After this, we had nothing to do, so we went home and were in for the night....

Date nights for Marian - a short post

 

It's a strange feeling for me to have a relationship with a woman who accepts me for who and what I am. Do we attach labels to our relationship?  No.  But it is very interesting to see us addressed as two women, and not see RQS flinch when this is done.  I am very lucky to have this woman in my life - and I know it.

Like most couples, date nights for us are both nothing special to the world, and everything special for us. These are our nights to connect with each other, whether I am presenting as Marian or as Mario. To me, it is even more special to me when RQS says that we should go out as two women.  When we do so, we do not show as much PDA as we usually might. But then, we are usually in Westchester at these times.

It is not an uncommon things to see same sex couples out in the world these days. When RQS and I were on our last cruise together, the couple in the next cabin were likely a same sex couple.  This is a good thing for us and our future plans.  Yet, I must always remember that RQS wants a relationship with Mario as well.  So, I try to make sure that Mario is always there for her when expected and wanted.

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I wonder what it will be like for us when we go on a cruise with me presenting as Marian for the entire cruise.  Will RQS be comfortable spending an entire week (or more) with me in Marian mode?  What about PDAs?  Will a cruise be a 7 night date for us?  Only time will tell.

So much time and yet, not enough - a short post.

 

This week, I would normally have enough time to get out and about as Marian.  Even though I'm retired, there are many places I'd like to go, but not enough available time to go to them.  For example, I would have liked to go to the 9/11 museum today (it's free late Monday afternoons these days), but the weather will get in my way.  Other times, conflicting schedules waste a bit of my time.  I'd like to see some of my friends, but I'm rarely free on weekends anymore.

Given that we were expecting bad weather later tonight, I decided to drive RQS back home and then park my car in a visitor's space in the co-op's parking lot.  This way, I wouldn't need to move my car to make room for the plow to pile up snow behind my parking spot.  However, I might be "stealing" a parking spot from someone who may need a spot tonight.  So I will move my car from the spot when the snow ends, and not before.

Will I have enough time to do the ever increasing amount of laundry that I have accumulated?  Yes, but....  The question should be:  Will I use my time most productively?  And for that question, I must answer by saying I'm not sure.

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As I write this, I hear snow plows outside clearing snow from our parking lot. There is not much snow on the ground, but enough to cause trouble.  If I go outside to clear off my car, I will likely do it as Mario, as I don't want to ruin anything in my feminine wardrobe.  It is one of the decisions I have to make as a transgender person.

Being a transgender person who lives in both masculine and feminine worlds, I am always making decisions about how I will present myself to the world. It's not always easy for me, as I may have to switch presentations during the day and arrange my life to do so.  This is often the case when I schedule a doctor's visit as Mario, but then have another appointment that requires my presence as Marian.  Yet, I've managed to keep my life as Mario separate from my life as Marian.  Unfortunately, there is never enough time left for me as Marian.

RQS is aware and understands my need to be my authentic self.  I am very grateful to have her in my life.  Both of us know heartbreak, and are doing our best to build up a solid relationship that will last.  Yet, there are things that scare me at times. But I am not going to let those fears get the better of me.  When one commits to a relationship, one is there in good times and bad.  The potential for bad times will always scare me a little, as no one wants to deal with hard times early in a relationship. Hopefully, luck and good fortune will always be on our side.

 

Do I really want to be a model? - A Short Post

 

The other day, I saw the above post on communications I received from Universal Standard.  Although I joked with RQS about submitting a picture of myself along with contact information, there is a part of me that would like to be fully out as a member of the TG community.

There is a transwoman who inspires me in this area: Shay Neary.  She is openly transgender, and gets a bit of publicity. Would I want to be an older version of her? What would this do to my relationship with RQS? Given the choice of having a real and healthy relationship with a cisgender woman who accepts me as I now am, I'm not sure I'd ever risk the relationship for something with so many possible negatives.

Things are starting to get serious

 

Have you ever read the passage from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that reads:

 The time has come,' the Walrus said,
      To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
      Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
      And whether pigs have wings.

Well, to some degree my life has been like that as of late, as RQS and I have discussed the subject of me being transgender.  And I've let her know (in no uncertain terms) that I will not make any body changes that would get in the way of our romance.  But this sounds much more serious than the conversation we had. 

One of the things we can laugh about is my preference for presenting as a female and enjoying as much of my life as possible as one.  She is comfortable going to restaurants with me this way, as she sees the same person when I present as a male and when I present as a female.    RQS enjoys going shopping with me in female mode, as it is another activity we can share with each other.  But there is more to this relationship than laughter.  We seem to be able to read each other's mind at times.  Even with incomplete information, we seem to understand what the other is trying to say.  And, even more importantly, she is comfortable raising troublesome topics with me before they become major irritants.

Neither of us are sure of what our long term living arrangements will be.  But we are comfortable talking about arrangements for travel that will take place a year from now.  This feels much better than the relationship I had with XGFJ, as we both assume that we have a future together - and talk about it. It's a damned shame that I had to through the hell I experienced 3 years ago to get where I am now....