Aloha 'Oe

 

Aloha 'Oe.  It's a song that will always remind me of Hawaii - and for good reason.  It will always remind me of places where I can relax and chill out, and not just in America's paradise.  But why do I start out with a thought about Hawaii?  Well, I've grown to realize that cruising is my favorite way to disconnect from the outside world for a while, and come out refreshed at the end of my trip.

Today ended a long relaxed weekend with RQS.  I drove her back to Croton-Harmon in the middle of the afternoon, and I killed a little time before returning home due to plumbing repairs that required water being shut off to the building.  By the time I got home, the repairs were complete, and I was able to take care of things at the apartment.

Around 6 pm, I put my dress back on and drove to Wegmans for a shopping trip.  $90 later, I had several bags in my car, and was ready to pack it in for the day.  And yet, my thoughts kept prodding me to do one more thing - plan another trip to Hawaii, and see things I couldn't see the first time around.  For example, it was too windy to visit the USS Arizona memorial when I was there, and it is a site I'd like to see.  Another thing I'd like to do is enjoy the Luau at the Polynesian Cultural Center.  I've seen the Luau on Kauai, and would want a different take on the ceremony.  And then, I'd like to get back to the Halealaka Crater and Volcanoes National Park when it isn't foggy or raining.

As I see it, going back to Hawaii with RQS in tow will be worth it.  The only question will be: How do we afford it?  

Lobster was one of many food truck selections we had today

 

RQS had a hankering for a lobster roll today, and I indulged it after taking care of some other business. But first....

Neither of us were in a hurry to get up this morning, and we took our time to get moving.  It was one of those days where I couldn't get up before noon, and RQS indulged my need for sleep.  It's just as well, as I felt more awake than usual after having an interrupted 8+ hours of sleep.  This would be my third day with RQS in Marian mode, and I wasn't going to let this opportunity pass.

When we got moving, we first went to another furniture store to look at some more choices.  And again, the salesperson was all over us looking to make a sale. This sales person didn't bother me as much as she did RQS.  But we were still not ready to buy anything.  So it was off to Dobbs Ferry and the Lobster Truck.

It took us a little while to find our way to the train station, but we were rewarded by a multitude of food trucks at the riverside festival.  As much as I wasn't in the mood to spring for a couple of lobster rolls, I knew they would be a good value and that they would make RQS happy - so they were worth busting the budget a little.  And yet, we were both hungry afterwards.  So it was time to raid the ice box and finish off the Chinese food we left there

Since RQS decided to stay until tomorrow afternoon, I had to text DS to tell her that I couldn't make it for hiking.  I know she was upset, but what could I do?  I will always put my relationship with RQS first.  She is the only woman I've met in years that accepts me for who and what I am, and doesn't care much about what I wear.  She is a blessing, and I try to make her as happy as I can....

Seeing someone off that I wish I knew better

 

A little while ago, Vicki #2's spouse passed away.  Today RQS and I went to the memorial service held in their memory.

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Normally, neither of us likes to get up early. But today was different.  I woke up before the alarm, and I took my shower before RQS got up. By the time we were ready, we had a half hour to make it to Mt. Kisco when we noticed a slight drizzle starting.  So off we went in the steadily worsening weather to the memorial service.  We arrived around 10:30, with more than enough time to find parking in the small lot.  By the time 11:00 came, we were happy to have arrived early.

Several speeches were given regarding memories of Vicki's transgender spouse, (I mention this only because this was an important part of their identity) and by the time the service ended, both RQS and I wished we had the chance to know "the captain" better.  We stayed a little while at the post memorial reception, gave our condolences to Vicki, and we were on our way to our next stop, JC Penney in Danbury.

We arrived at the mall, and RQS started shopping for some things to wear on our upcoming cruise. Both of us were underwhelmed by the selection of products at the store.  RQS bought a couple of tops before we left. And then it was off to the furniture store to look at replacement sofas for my place and recliners for RQS's place.  Both of us were impressed by several sofas and recliners we sat in, but were put off by the omnipresence of the salesman.  He wanted to make a sale, and make it today.  But neither of us were willing to do so.  

Our next stop was at a Chinese restaurant that I visited with my former cruise partner.  As usual, the food was good here, and we had leftovers to eat later on.  Yum!  At least we didn't get caught in a deluge on the way home.

I almost forgot my anniversary - thoughts on being widowed.

 

There are several days during the year that I make sure I have a small drink - and they are all related to significant days that I shared with my late wife.  Today would have been our 38th anniversary, and there will always be a part of me that misses her.

How would I describe my late wife?  After 27 years of being widowed, many of the little things she used to have faded into the fog of lost memories.  Yet, I can still remember her saying things such as EN-Double A-ESS-T-EYE, and letting out her inner child much more often than I could. Yes, she didn't know how to cope with things at her office, as it was a small business that didn't bother with obeying important business rules, such as having a non-smoking office.  At the end of her life, she was angry because she was the only non-smoker in the office, and the only one that suffered with cancer in that office.

I'll never be sure how much she loved me, or whether she stayed with me because she feared that she'd have no place to go if she left me. I know that her problems  with money triggered my insecurities, and frustrated me until the day she died. Yet, I find it ironic that I may have more female clothes than she did when she died - and that I gave away 12-16 bags of those clothes to a local charity when she died.  I think she would have a big laugh if she were to see me and that closet today.

The other day, I made a short mention of my late wife to Vicki #1, and she went off into a diatribe on how my wife may not have grown with me, how we might have gone into couples' therapy and failed at it, and so on.  It was not what I wanted to hear, as I wasn't in the mood to be convinced that my life is better because my wife died - I know that, and felt a little sad because it is so.  I was simply subconsciously reminded of her, and reacting to that stimulus.

Yet, I'll always wonder now and then - what would have happened if my wife had lived?  And this is where Vicki and I agree - the odds are that we would have gotten divorced, and that I would have approached new relationships with a certain lack of trust. Could this be why certain divorced women are attracted to me as a friend?  Who knows?  But I don't think I'd be able to have my relationship with RQS if I had been divorced.  I needed the assumption of goodwill that only being widowed can bring to a potential relationship.

If there is something after death, I only hope that my late wife is having a good laugh seeing how my life has progressed so far....

I did plenty of nothing, and nothing's plenty for me.

 

Lethargy - It's something that plagues me early in the day, and keeps me from having the energy to do things until it is too late to do them.  In short, my body wants to live a life out of sync with the rest of the world, and it gets frustrating at times.

Today, I was thinking of doing laundry when I got up in the morning, and then go into the city to see the God of Carnage off-Broadway revival.  Instead, I didn't start doing anything until 2 pm, and didn't do laundry until 6 pm.  There was no way that I'd make it in time for the play, so I resumed work for another website I am developing.

The website I'm working on is travel related, and part of what I plan to do will be blog related.  Yet, I have yet to figure out how I want the site to look when I'm done with things, and I have yet to figure out how I want to handle video links on the site. And I'm glad that I was able to get back to work on the blog, as I'd like to have everything related to the project up and running by the end of the year, with content ready for people to view and enjoy.

Since I left the bank 9 years ago, I have done a decent amount of travel on a budget.  There are stories I have to tell and wisdom I have to share.  And this new site will be my medium to do so.  Hopefully, when it is ready, I'll be able to share things here as well....

I might be planning another cruise soon.

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For better part of a year, RQS and I have been talking about taking a Norwegian Fjord cruise next year. Soon, we will need to plan for this trip, else we won't be able to take it at all.

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As I might have mentioned elsewhere, 2024 will be the last year that conventionally powered cruise ships will be allowed to cruise the Norwegian Fjords.  This is a classic bucket list cruise, ranked up there with Alaskan cruises, Panama Canal cruises, Hawaii cruises, and Atlantic crossings on a classic ocean liner. I know that this is a "budget buster" item, something that RQS will have a hard time affording with all the traveling we are doing this year and will likely be doing next year. So we have to think carefully as we plan this trip out.

 
Right now, I'm looking at options from 4 cruise lines: Holland America, MSC, Norwegian, and Princess.  The big problem is choosing a cruise with the right price point and length with an acceptable itinerary. This is something we have to discuss.  There are some 7-day cruises out there that look good to me.  But there is one 14-day cruise that I'd really like to take, a Princess cruise that sails out of Southampton and goes to both Norway and Iceland. But I'm not sure that we'll be able to take this cruise, given RQS's finance and scheduling concerns.

Assuming that we take the Norwegian Fjord cruise, this will be the first time I have left North America and the first time that I will need to present my passport for travel.  There is a big part of me that is afraid to take this trip, as it takes me well out of my comfort zone.  But everyone has to have a first time, and this might be mine.

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Unlike the Bahamas cruise that I'll be booking soon, this cruise will be taken as Mario.  There would be way too many complications for me to take this cruise presenting as Marian to risk making a mistake. However, when I eventually take my British Isles cruise or do the Atlantic crossing on the Queen Mary 2, I hope to take it presenting as a female.   Unlike many British Isles cruises, the above cruise does not stop in France.  To me, this is a bonus - I do not need to worry whether someone I come into contact with will be able to (or bother with) speaking my language when on a shore excursion.  

As you can guess, I'm working on checking off bucket list trips while I'm still healthy enough to do so.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get through most of this list while I'm still in decent shape for my age and weight.

 

What I fear most as a transgender person

 

When I started this entry, I thought I could make it as long or as short as I wanted.  But life has a habit of throwing me curve balls, and I have a nasty habit of trying to hit them.  Luckily, I have hit enough of them to still be around to play again and again.

Lately, we've seen the governor of Florida attempting to censor both business and educational entities because they believe that all people have a right to be treated with dignity, and that we should not be watering down our history to avoid showing a past which is still uncomfortable for many to confront. This man, someone I consider as evil as our 45th president, has attacked his state's largest economic driver simply because the Disney corporation believes in treating the LGBT community with respect. Although I am not a fan of Disney or most of its products, I have to stand with the corporation as it fights this evil man.

Sadly, the governors of Florida and Texas reflect the feelings of a large part of the American population, and show how dangerous it can be for members of the LGBT community.  We've again seen a growth in "Bathroom Bills", laws which are specifically aimed at the transgender community.  We are often easy to pick on, as we usually stand out from the crowd by our appearance. M2F transgenders often have a masculine body build (facial features, hair/beard patterns, hands, feet, waist and hip development), speak in a deeper voice than cisgender females, and often wear wigs to deal with male pattern alopecia.  F2M transgenders tend to be smaller than typical cisgender males and have similar issues with body development as well.  Gender dimorphism is a problem for transgenders because it makes us easier to identify by intolerant people.

I've been careful NOT to travel in states where intolerant people are in charge.  But what happens if someone like Florida's governor becomes president?  I expect that America will become a much more intolerant nation, and that people like me will need to go into stealth mode.  People like Fran (who I've talked about in other blog entries) will be the first people to suffer.  But this will not be the end of things..  I will have it easy compared with people like Fran unless they take intolerance to its next step - using computers to sort through business records to find people ordering goods not conforming with one's assigned gender.  At that point, I will be leaving the USA, as to avoid the possible herding up of us "undesirables" into camps.  And if you think this won't be done, ask any Japanese-American (or his/her descendants) about the camps set up by our own government during WW2.

Yes, I have my fears.  And I don't think they are unreasonable.  We have a chance to stop this from happening. And I'm going to do what I can to help stop these people from gaining any more power than they already have.