It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

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I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

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Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

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At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

Sometimes, you find stuff you weren't looking for.

 

It's been a little under 27 years since my late wife passed, and things related to her life still pop up now and then.  Today, I stumbled across some items related to her life and our life that I didn't expect to see. First came baby pictures of my wife in a small book related to her early life.  Then, I found our wedding certificate near the book.  It doesn't mean much, save that it is a reminder that she was an important part of my life.

Soon, it will be the 27th anniversary of my wife's death.  I was very lucky to have had her in my life when I did, and I cherish the memories of that time.  Yes, she did know that I liked wearing women's clothes (I didn't know what being transgender was) and accepted this on all but our wedding night.  But I'll always wonder, that had she survived, would she have accepted me for who and what I am?

While cleaning up the apartment, I also found something I wasn't looking for - some costume jewelry that I liked to wear, that usually hung on the knobs of a dresser near my computer desk. When the electricians were here in August, I had to move the dressers, so that they would be able to get at the electrical outlets behind them.  So, I put everything into a bag, and stuffed it into the mess sitting on a chest near the foot of my bed.

At this point, cleanup was a big "might as well" task, and I started to empty out one of my dresser drawers, so that I had a place to stash some of the mess on top of my desk. And I realized that I could start another donation bag for charity.  There were 6 sweaters in that drawer, and 3 of them went into the donation bag.  Now, I had a place where I could put my leggings, so that I knew where they were.

In the end, I still had a mess, but I was making progress towards getting this place in shape....

Black / Jew Love (don't blame me, that's what THEY called it.)

 

The other night, RQS and I went to see a one person performance (When Your Soulmate Dies) in an Off-Off-Broadway theater.  As I was led to believe, it was going to be the story of a widower talking about the loss of his wife.  But it was much, much more than that.  It was the performer's way of getting people to open their eyes and see of the injustices in our culture that we take for granted.  And it succeeded in (1) Bringing the audience to laugh until we cried, (2) Lifting the veil off many people's misconceptions of white and male privilege in our society, and (3) Making me wish I had gotten the chance to meet a woman whose life ended way too soon.

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Instead of telling their life story out of sequence (as performed), I will boil the two hours spent here into several (all too short) phrases:

• White Man meets Black Woman at work.
• The couple have a successful marriage.
• The couple develops a very funny Husband/Wife comedy act, but our culture prevents it from hitting the big time. (You'll have to hear his explanation for yourself.  I agree with him,)
• The wife is diagnosed with kidney failure, cancer and Covid-19 during the pandemic.
• The husband sees how the culture victimizes women and people of color in themedical establishment.
• The husband uses his "act" as a catharsis to help him heal

Am I doing him or his performance justice?  Not in a long shot!  Hopefully, you'll go to the Alchemical Theater at 50 West 17th street (12th Floor) in NYC (Saturday Nights at 7:30) and see for yourself.

PS: RQS gave him Permission to Cum.  (You'll have to see him to understand that.)

 

 

I almost forgot my anniversary - thoughts on being widowed.

 

There are several days during the year that I make sure I have a small drink - and they are all related to significant days that I shared with my late wife.  Today would have been our 38th anniversary, and there will always be a part of me that misses her.

How would I describe my late wife?  After 27 years of being widowed, many of the little things she used to have faded into the fog of lost memories.  Yet, I can still remember her saying things such as EN-Double A-ESS-T-EYE, and letting out her inner child much more often than I could. Yes, she didn't know how to cope with things at her office, as it was a small business that didn't bother with obeying important business rules, such as having a non-smoking office.  At the end of her life, she was angry because she was the only non-smoker in the office, and the only one that suffered with cancer in that office.

I'll never be sure how much she loved me, or whether she stayed with me because she feared that she'd have no place to go if she left me. I know that her problems  with money triggered my insecurities, and frustrated me until the day she died. Yet, I find it ironic that I may have more female clothes than she did when she died - and that I gave away 12-16 bags of those clothes to a local charity when she died.  I think she would have a big laugh if she were to see me and that closet today.

The other day, I made a short mention of my late wife to Vicki #1, and she went off into a diatribe on how my wife may not have grown with me, how we might have gone into couples' therapy and failed at it, and so on.  It was not what I wanted to hear, as I wasn't in the mood to be convinced that my life is better because my wife died - I know that, and felt a little sad because it is so.  I was simply subconsciously reminded of her, and reacting to that stimulus.

Yet, I'll always wonder now and then - what would have happened if my wife had lived?  And this is where Vicki and I agree - the odds are that we would have gotten divorced, and that I would have approached new relationships with a certain lack of trust. Could this be why certain divorced women are attracted to me as a friend?  Who knows?  But I don't think I'd be able to have my relationship with RQS if I had been divorced.  I needed the assumption of goodwill that only being widowed can bring to a potential relationship.

If there is something after death, I only hope that my late wife is having a good laugh seeing how my life has progressed so far....

Being Widowed

 

Today, I saw 2 friends I haven't seen in a dog's age.  The first was my friend Maria, and the second was my friend Vicki (#2).  My 2 friends and I share a common bond - we have all been widowed, and we have all had to deal with a great loss.  

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It has been 26½ years since I lost my wife, 3 years for Maria, and less than a week for Vicki.  We are all on the road of processing our respective losses.  And I still remember enough of the pain I felt to provide some comfort to my friends.

At lunch today, Maria and I talked about our losses and how ignorant people could magnify the pain we still feel in regard to our losses.  I mentioned that it is not uncommon for songs to trigger crying fits, for people to say things without malice that can trigger anger, and (at times) for ourselves to lose our reasons for being.   Widowhood is not easy, but the grief we feel is needed to tell us how important a person was to us.  Confronting it and processing it is the way for us to heal - even if the loss scars us forever.

All too soon, Maria had to leave, and I was off to see Vicki before taking care of errands of my own. When I arrived at Vicki's place, I was warmly greeted and we sat down to chat for an hour.  Her mind wasn't fully there, as there was similar sense of numbness to what I felt when I lost my wife.  The constant care-taking had ended, and the continual processing of new pain was over.  Now, she has to move forward with her life, process the pain she will feel because of her loss, and figure out what her next act will be.

You will note that I did not give many details about my two friends, save when they were widowed. These 2 friends share more than membership in a sisterhood of widows.  They share a common humanity - people who have been there for people until that need has ended.  And for that, I will be there for them when they need a friend.

Catching up with my friend Maria - A Short Post

 

Maria and I have known each other for almost 35 years, me being there for her as a friend during times good and bad.  Compared to my life, hers hasn't been that easy.  She has had to rebuild her financial life after being laid off by a major firm (for which she had grounds to sue, details which I won't go into here), through a change of career, then through both divorce and widowhood.

Recently, we found time to get together in spite of her busy schedule. As usual, I met her in Marian mode, though she knows me from my days solely as Mario.  She is comfortable with me in both modes, and I'm glad I can be my true self with her. This time, I did most of the talking, telling her about my Hawaii trip, including all of the craziness related to air travel.  However, I did get to mention my Vlog/Blog idea, and she thought it made sense.  So I will continue to write up my notes to prepare for the Vlog/Blog and try ideas out on both Maria and RQS when I'm ready to go.

One of the things Maria and I discussed was travel, specifically her ability to travel.  Her dog just passed away, freeing her to do things away from home.  If I wasn't attached to RQS, Maria and I could go on trips together with me traveling as Marian all the time.  But I am attached to RQS, and I'm glad this is so.  Yet, if things change - Maria will be the first person I choose to be a new travel partner (and not as a romantic interest).

 

Cause and effect

 

The other day, I received a communication from someone who said that I betrayed her.  That word may be a little harsh, but I never meant to hurt this woman.  She then mentioned my ex-girlfriend as a comparison, and I responded - my ex betrayed me.  In short, I was saying that almost all people should get a second chance when no evil intent was intended.  Sadly, this person will likely hold her grudge forever. 

But this got me thinking a little....

One of the things this person has in common with my ex is a connection to me.  Could she have influenced the ex to do certain things?  Possibly.  In anger, people will do the strangest things and regret them later. But I was thinking in a very different direction.  What if the ex was trying to send me a signal, and it misfired in a way she couldn't expect?  When a person says they want to break up, one shouldn't expect a newly minted ex not to think about dating - even if it's the day after the breakup.

This triggered a thought about another woman I know who was separated from her husband for years. When he died, like me, she wanted to get back into the saddle as quickly as possible.  For both of us, this approach didn't lead us in the direction we expected to go.  In my case as of late, if I didn't go out in the world as Marian, I'd have had my choice of 2 different girlfriends.

As you can guess, I've been doing a lot of thinking while working.  My MP3 player can distract me only so much.  I get a lot of ideas for this blog while screen scraping or key entering data at the office.  Yet, only some of them have any value to me these days.  I don't want to include events from others' lives as I did in the past.  Yet, I must say that the chaos I saw first hand made for interesting reading for some people - especially one person who both spoke and wrote loudly.  

Lately, I don't go into as many meetups as I used to in the past.  I'm a little bit more picky now.  One group is hit and miss due to the small group size.  The other is hit and miss due to the distance to get there and to get home.  Do I miss them?  Sometimes.  But, I no longer need that many meetups to be with people. Strangely, that's a gift that my ex, this former acquaintance, and the pandemic have given to me. 

A story of 3 couples.

 

Recently, a conversation with a person triggered some thoughts about personalities, and Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" came to mind.  So I figured I'd start off by noting the chorus to the song and see if it fits:

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)
I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you don't you?

 

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Today, I got to thinking about general personality types for divorcees and widows, and I realized that much of the problems we have in choosing second (third, etc.) partners are related to how we filter our memories.  Widow(er)s will often put the late spouse on a pedestal, filtering out the bad memories.  Divorcees will often put their ex spouse in the demonic light of hellfire, filtering out the good memories. Not often enough will people see their absent/former partner in a balanced light.  The truth is usually in the middle of the extremes.

So I'll start off by relating three stories of relationships that ended and see what you think:

1. Several years ago, after breaking up with Ex-GF-M, I placed personal ads on OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.  One of the women I talked with was a pleasant looking Brunette wearing glasses.  But from the beginning I knew that this person would be wrong for me.  She was going through her second divorce, with her to be ex husband sharing a house with her.  All she could do was vent about him and her first ex, and I realized that I didn't want to be the third ex in waiting.
   
   
2. When I was an active member of the AOL Widow/Widower chat room, I befriended a couple that were widowed before they met.  They married, but broke up (in part) because the husband put his late wife on too much of a pedestal.  That's not the loss I'd want to experience if I were to remarry.
   
   
3. One of my friends (who has passed away) stayed on good terms with her ex, and she (with current husband) and her ex (with current wife) would go on vacation together.  I never heard her say a bad word about her ex, but never did she go out of her way to praise him either.  He was a decent man, but someone she couldn't live with.
   

What I see is that in the case of the nasty divorce, one partner has no empathy for anyone but herself.  In the second relationship, the husband put too much of himself into his relationship with the late spouse, and didn't have enough left for his current spouse.  And in the third case, everyone found a happy medium.  Although the third couple must have had some nasty spats, they didn't label the other partner as evil or backstabbing.  They simply agreed that their relationship didn't work out and moved on from there.

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Friendships can end in the same way as couples #1 and 3.  For me, I'd rather be like the 3rd couple, than either of the other 2.  Sadly, this is often not the case.

Just before the pandemic hit last year, I received an email from the ex-wife of my former therapist.  Although she was divorced from her ex, she still loved him.  She just couldn't live with his demons.  She had nothing bad to say about him.  And, having met me in New York, she invited me for lunch at her ex's favorite restaurant.  Too bad that this place is in Hawaii - I'll have to make an extra effort to take her up on her offer....