Missing a monthly meeting at Arts Westchester

Sometimes, I screw up things on my schedule and forget appointments.  Today was one of those days.  This was the day that the monthly Arts Westchester arts ambassadors (read: volunteers) meeting was held.  And due to the confusion that's been messing around with my life lately, I totally forgot about the meeting until mid afternoon.  AARGH!

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Last night, I put on my CPAP mask around 2 am, but didn't get to sleep until (at least) 3 am.  When I awoke at 7:45, I didn't feel as if I had enough sleep. And nothing was going to help - even if I laid in bed for another couple of hours.  So, I got out of bed without checking my schedule for the day and took it easy.

Eventually, I decided to look for my Freshly delivery - and it was not on my landing where I expected it.  So I got dressed and found it in front of the mailboxes.  I was too tired to complain, so I brought the box upstairs, loaded the meals into the refrigerator, and then went out to my car to clean it up for Thursday.  (HWV and another board member are going with me in my car to a Restaurant Week dinner.)  It amazed me that I found so much garbage in the back of my car, as I dumped three overflowing supermarket bags into the dumpster, and filled the Freshly box with stuff I planned to keep.  By the time I had the chance to look at my email, I realized that I had screwed up - I had missed the monthly meeting.  I contacted the volunteer coordinator to let her know what happened.  And then, I went inside to get ready for dinner.

GFJ and I are still talking.  Over dinner, she mentioned that something I said triggered thoughts of what the real problems are.  But I won't go into them here.  All I will say is that they are valid issues, and if I had been in her shoes, I might be feeling the same way that she is right now.  At least, we will be able to maintain communications between us, and see what happens in the future.

When I got home, I got an email from the art gallery I interviewed at last week.  They chose another candidate for the position.  And strangely, that makes me glad.  I wasn't the right person for the position, and they knew it.  But I did make a suggestion that I hope helps them in the future - they need a floater employee who can fill in when one of the other two people need to take off.  Who knows, maybe they'd consider me for the floater position if it is created.

Waking up early on a Sunday morning.

Since GFJ dropped her bombshell last weekend, I haven't been sleeping that well.  And I was very surprised that I could wake up early, chat with GFJ by text, and then go to church for the first time in a couple of years. 

But I am getting ahead of myself....

Last night, it was the "Fall Back" part of the year - just as the clock struck 3 am, my phone shifted back to standard time and now read 2 am.  And that's when I put my CPAP mask on and tried to go to sleep.  Several hours later, I realized that it was a little before 8 am, and I had the option of going to church.

Looking again at my phone, I saw that GFJ sent a message.  I figured that I would reply, and that got us into a chat.  She'd like to see me again for dinner tomorrow - and that doesn't bode well for a relationship already on life support.  So, I have to gird myself for further potential feelings of grief and lose a night out with a meetup group.  (Why couldn't her timing be better?) By the time our chat was done, I realized that I could make it to church.  So I got showered and prepared to attack the world as Marian.

Leaving the house at the same time as my neighbor, I knew that I was going to get to the church before her.  It's a nice feeling to know that people remember and accept me there, as I was greeted by one of the church's more active members when I arrived.  After the service, I had some nice chats with several people there before retreating to have lunch at an Ossining diner.

I sat down at my seat, and placed an order for breakfast - something (strangely) that was not on one of the menu pages.  (Was the menu put together properly?  Or, is there a separate breakfast menu?)  While waiting for food, I looked at my phone and noticed that my former travel partner had started her own meetup group, and scheduled meetings for Thursdays.  I took two things away from this.  First, without the ability to use me for a crutch, she was forced to do this on her own - something I'm glad she did.  Second, I feel that she chose Thursdays so that I wouldn't join her group or go to its meetups - more her problem than mine.  I sent a quick message to GFJ on this and mentioned the first point.  What I didn't say is that I was glad that I cut off contact with my former travel partner, as I didn't want to be in a codependent relationship with her - something that could easily happen given our mutual weaknesses.

On other matters....

Throughout the day, I exchanged messages with JS.  Her daughter has lined up a job, but with no way to get there and back from where they live.  It's a shame that Mother and Daughter don't make a move to a more mass transit friendly community, so that the daughter can get a job and establish herself as an independent entity.  JS is killing herself with her long commute and is not doing what needs to be done to see that her daughter can make it on her own.

If I don't get together with my niece next weekend, I'll end up accompanying JS to see a psychic in Massachusetts.  Do I really think this person will be of help to JS?  NO!  But I want to see the scam for myself.  JS is an emotionally weak person, and I fear that she will get preyed on by an unscrupulous person - and many psychics are unscrupulous by the nature of their "profession".

Wish me good luck.  I think I'll need it.

They've paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.

I think it was Joni Mitchell who penned the line "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone." And she is so right!  I lost my wife over 20 years ago, and I didn't appreciate her presence in my life until she was gone.  No, I don't beat myself up over ignorance and mistakes in my past.  Instead, I do my damnedest to avoid making the kinds of mistakes that I'll regret in the future.


So why am I referencing the line from a classic song?

Lately, I have been thinking about the impermanence of life and the people I miss.  There are times that I want to visit my friend Barbara in Cape Cod, and then I remember that she isn't with us any longer. Not all of the friends that I miss have passed away. But some are just too far away to be in regular contact.  For example, YGM now lives in Florida, and it is very inconvenient for us to keep in contact.  She has a job, two kids to care for, as well as a mother and a husband.  I can only imagine what she has to deal with, and keeping in touch with her friends is not high on her list of priorities.

It's been ages since I've heard from my friend, WDS.  He gave me the present of a fully loaded iPad when I got the job with the payments firm in NYC.  Sadly, I lost that job due to my own inadequacies for that job.  But in many ways, it was the best thing that could happen to me.  I didn't know the freedom I'd have when I decided not to work on a full time basis anymore.  And I didn't realize what I lost when I had to start watching my pennies again.

Change is an ever present constant in our lives. The older we get, the more we lose from the lives we once led.  Yet, this gives us new opportunities - if we're lucky to see them.

A visit to the doctor and more

Today, I had only two planned things on my plate - a visit to the doctor, and a volunteer stint at the LGBT Center.  I had already postponed my stint at Arts Westchester to Tuesday, so that I could have enough energy for the LGBT Center, and thought that this would be the end of my day.  Instead, I ended up seeing GFJ for dinner and had a mixed ending to a good day.

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Yesterday, I called my cleaning lady and arranged for her to visit my apartment today.  After 6 weeks, things were getting in need of her magic - and she said she'd be visiting this afternoon.  So I was very lucky to have a 9:30 appointment with my doctor, giving me enough time to change from my masculine presentation to my feminine presentation for the rest of the day.

The doctor's visit was booked to be my yearly physical.  Instead, it ended up being a "follow up" visit from July, as my last yearly physical was in December, not November as I had remembered.  Of course, this made the visit a quick one, and I was back in the house before 11:00 - enough time for me to change into my female presentation before going out to volunteer.

Shortly before noon, I left my apartment and took the slow road to the LGBT Center.  On the way down, I returned WDJ's call from yesterday, and we chatted for about a half hour about things I won't mention here.  And then I arrived at the LGBT Center for my weekly stint.

Today's task was simple - verify all entries on the published event calendar on Meetup against that in the center's flyer.  Catching an error or two, I fixed them without doing too much thinking.  But then, two other people came in - and they disturbed my short train of thought.  One person was an older woman who needed to talk with someone - and I was that person.  Then the other person came in, a young man, and got involved in the conversation that I was really not in the mood to have at the moment.  By the time I was finished with the event calendar, two hours had passed - and it was time to leave.

On the way home, I received a call from GFJ.  She wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner tonight.  So it was off to my apartment, then to change, and then to drive to Newburgh.  Of course, I had to change back to a male presentation for dinner before going out again.  I made it to the Flaming Wok Buffet at 7:00.  As usual, GFJ was a little late.  And for the next hour, we chatted about unimportant stuff. (One of those topics was the shutdown of my old blog and my relationship with my former travel partner.) Then, it was time to discuss "the elephant in the room" - our relationship.  Neither of us are sure where it's headed, but I figure it best to give her the time she needs to be sure of what she wants.  (I have ideas, but won't taint her decision process by mentioning them before her decision is made.)  She's a good person to have in my life.  But I have the kind of love that knows that I may have to let her go to have the happiness I want for her to have.  Hopefully, that won't need to happen.

Then, it was time to go home.  I was more alert on the way home than I was on the way to Newburgh.  That was good fortune.  I'm not sure I'd have made it home had I been as tired as I was in the afternoon.  I have mixed feelings after tonight's dinner, and so does GFJ.  But I won't let them get in the way of doing what has to be done in my life.

I'm either getting forgetful, or my Pooka was getting bored.

Elwood P. Dowd and Harvey.  This is a picture of cinema's most endearing couple.  Yes, they are likely a "same sex" couple, but not a "same species" couple.  Never once was Elwood known to say anything bad about his favorite pooka.  This is better than most couples I have come into contact with over the years.

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When I woke up this morning, I was still sleep deprived from last night.  Yet, I had to get moving and out of the house a bit early, as my cleaning lady was likely to come today.  (It has been 6 weeks since her last visit, and I have gotten used to her missing a visit now and then.)  So, I got showered and dressed, did some last minute straightening up the clutter in my apartment, and went out the door to have lunch with Vicki #2.

It normally takes me about a little over a half hour to reach Hastings on Hudson. So I took it slow, and overshot the town a little on the way there.  Yet, I still made it to the place with time to spare.  Vicki sent me a message, asking if we were still on for today, and I messaged her to let her know where I was.  So she rushed from her place, and met me about 15 minutes later.

Wild Culture Waffles is a little shop set in the rear of Hastings' former movie theater.  It's a pleasant place to pick up a specialty waffle with a cup of coffee to wash it down.  It is not a place for a "real" lunch, and it is not a place likely to do well in the winter.  There are no tables inside the building where one can sit.  The only tables are outside, exposed to both cold and heat. This is why other coffee shop like places tended to fail before in this location, and why I expect this business to fail once the weather gets a little colder.

Vicki and I talked about many things.  But I dominated the chat today, talking about issues and events I've reported in this (and my previous) blog.  Thankfully, she didn't shut me down.  I needed someone not too close to me to tell me that I wasn't getting crazy myself - and she did just that.

Around 2:45, Vicki noticed the time, and said that we should get going.  I barely had enough time to get to Mercy for my weekly session.  Before I left her, she mentioned that she was usually free at this time of day, and that we could make this a regular occurrence when I am in her area.  And then, I was on the road.  I took a little bit of a chance driving to Dobbs Ferry, as I had to get around a bus (not a school bus) that I knew would have a very slow acceleration time.  Although nothing happened, it was a little too close for comfort if I had thought about things.  At least, I made it to Mercy on time.

Arriving at Mercy, I couldn't find the check I usually have in hand to pay for my session.  I spent some of the time I saved in driving there to find a missing check.  So I told the center that I'd make a two week payment the following week.  After 45 minutes, my session was over, and it was time to go home.  Little did I realize it then, I was in for the night, as I took a needed nap, waking up around 7:30.  At least, I found out that my pooka had played a mind trick on me.  I looked at my checkbook and found that I didn't write a check for this week's session.  And now, I was much more at ease....

A Job Interview as Marian

I think I look better now than when I first wore this dress, or its sister in teal.  And I wore it to a 11 am interview at a not-for-profit art gallery.  This is a dress that makes me feel good, even though I might not buy it today because of its hemline.

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Unfortunately, I couldn't get to sleep until the middle of the night.  When I awakened this morning, I knew that I would likely fall out before dinner time.  So I took a little time to get ready, making sure that everything was in the right place and put together well.  And it was off to Larchmont for the interview.

Arriving in Larchmont, I had to park my car in a 2 hour lot located on a side street off the main business corridor.  This allowed me to walk by the house of a former boss.  Looking at his driveway, I figured that all was probably well with him as he had a new looking car in his driveway. If you're thinking that this could be anyone's car, I'd beg to differ.  My ex boss (who retired about 20 years ago or so) had a habit of buying new Cadillac Coupe De Villes every few years, whether or not he needed to do so.  In fact, I'd bet that he had less than 20k miles on each 10 year old car that he may have traded in since his retirement.  (His former commute was about 5-10 miles per day, and all of his trade ins were very low mileage cars.) Hopefully, he's enjoying his retirement and is still very healthy.

When I arrived at the gallery, I was greeted by 4 people.  (Unfortunately, I can't remember their names, or I'd have sent them all thank you emails.)  I would be one of two paid employees of the gallery, responsible for keeping the center open Tuesday-Friday (my shift) and Saturday (the other shift).  This means that I would not have the freedom to schedule my vacations any longer, as they only close down in August.  That is not the time I like taking vacations, and it would crimp my style.  With this being said, I feel I was a strong candidate in office skills, but not in retail skills.  They need someone who can run a store by herself, and I doubt I am that candidate.

As I was getting up to leave, I had an experience that only women can appreciate - my hosiery failed, and a hole formed on my inner thigh.  There went my original plan to go straight from the interview to the LGBT Center to do my weekly volunteer stint.  Instead, I went straight home and got comfortable for a while.

Later on, I got a call from an old friend.  Joanie had free tickets to a play, and thought of me. So I cancelled my attendance at tonight's dinner meetup and drove back to lower county to catch a train into NYC.  I met Joanie in Times Square, then enjoyed the play - even though we were seated on opposite sides of the theater.  After the play, we went to Shake Shack to grab a burger, and gabbed until midnight. 

Noticing the time, I said that I had to make a train. Knowing that the last trains leave Grand Central around 1:30, I still had a couple of trains I could still take home.  But I wanted to get out of town by 12:30, so that I could get home by 2:00.  While on the train, I had a quick message chat with GFJ.  (She had to get up early in the morning, otherwise we may have chatted more.)  And then, I was in Pelham.  Arriving at my car around 1:15, I got a message from Joanie.  She wanted to let me know that if I got stuck in the city, I could always stay in a spare room at her place.  That's always nice to know.  By 1:45, I was home in spite of the rain.  So I figured that I'd write this entry before collapsing for the evening - and did.

Seeing a friend for lunch

I'd love to open up today's entry with a musical phrase that had the sonic undertones of "I read the news today...."  But putting words on a video display can not properly capture how I felt when I woke up this morning.

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My alarms are usually set to wake me up around 8:30, 9:00, and 10:00 am.  The 8:30 am alarm wakes me up enough, so that if I want to watch TV at 9:00 am, I can do so.  9:00 comes 30 minutes later, and serves to being me to semi consciousness if I've fallen back to sleep. And 10:00 comes an hour later, and forces me to get up and moving if I haven't done so already.  Today, it was the latter alarm that woke me up, and I realized that I was going to be running late for lunch with SWD.  So I messaged her, and said that I'd be about a half hour late for lunch.

Once I was moving, I had to make a hard decision - what to wear for the day.  Until I started to dress as a woman does, I had no clue why many women day "I have nothing to wear" when they have a full closet.  Now, I suffer with the same problems.  So I chose a tunic length dress and a pair of leggings for appropriateness with today's dreary weather, got dressed and out the door 45 minutes later than planned.

On the way up to Beacon, I got stuck behind traffic. When I reached Garrison, WDJ called. There were things she wanted to talk about, as well as wanting to process feelings from a matter we discussed the week before.  I ended the call when I reached Beacon, and found a parking spot a short block away from the restaurant.

I arrived at the restaurant around 12:15 and saw SWD in the window.  So I went into the restaurant and sat down at her table.  We chatted about many things, most notably issues with our significant others and what is going on with our families.  This would be a shorter lunch than usual, as we were out the door within an hour or so.  But this was OK with me - I've been feeling down since Saturday, and still need time to process my feelings from that night.

When I got home, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.  So I decided to take a nap.  By the time I got up, it was 8:00, and I realized I was in for the night.  (How many Freshly meals do I have left in my freezer?)