If it weren't for game night, I wouldn't have even bothered getting dressed today.

 

The rainy weather has made me a bit lethargic, and I had a hard time getting moving today.  There were two things on my docket that required me to get dressed, one being laundry, and the other being game night.  So, I figured that I could take care of a couple of things while doing laundry and caused a minor issue for myself.

RQS was originally scheduled to go home on Sunday.  Fathom Events scheduled a 2-night revival of Lawrence of Arabia for Sunday and Monday at selected theaters.  I bought tickets for Sunday evening. But that creates a conflict between the time RQS expected to be home and the time she'd be in the theater.  So I asked her if she could stay another night.

The other task that I took care of was removing the nail polish from my fingernails.  I figure that I'll need to present as a male when I meet with the sleep doctor on Monday, as well as an appointment I have later in the evening for a research study.  Given that I want to look my best when I meet RQS in the city for dinner on Tuesday evening, I'll likely schedule a Mani-Pedi for the morning.

Luckily, I had only one load of laundry to take care of.  The one problem is that I usually do my sheets along with the rest of my colored laundry.  This means that I'll have to inspect the fitted sheet to make sure that nothing got caught in it while in the dryer.  That I can do in the morning when I fold the laundry in advance of RQS's arrival.

Around 4:30 pm, I showered, and went downstairs to do laundry as Mario.  This was the more convenient way to be out of the apartment when my face had yet to be made up.  But when almost ready to go out for the evening, I had switched into Marian mode. Though I started doing the Laundry at 5:00 pm, I wasn't able to get out of the apartment until 7:10 pm. This meant that I'd be in Yonkers after the first game had started.  Even so, I drove down, and found that only an abbreviated portion of the group was in attendance.  I got into a couple of games, and left before the hostess returned with her dog.  (Just as well - he is ready to bite anyone who isn't family.)  On the way home, I chatted with RQS, and picked up some stuff for dinner to be eaten tomorrow or Saturday.

I was glad to finally be back at home by midnight, as I couldn't wait to strip and get comfortable again.

 

 

It's hard to plan things these days

 

I don't know how I stumbled onto the above picture of Alfred and Alice E. Newman.  But it illustrates how the true essence of an individual will show through, no matter the gender presentation of that individual.  In my case, my true friends see me as the same person in both male and female modes, although they are sometimes surprised when I show up in the alternate presentation.

- - - - - -

Planning my gender presentation can be a hassle.  For example, I have a book at the library that I want to pick up, and that requires that I show myself in Mario mode.  Yet, RQS and I plan to get a Mani-Pedi this weekend, so I will need to present myself as Marian for my visit to the nail spa.  This is a typical scheduling problem for me, as I have to figure out ways to do some things that require Mario to be present, while I will be out as Marian later in the day.  However, once I'm wearing nail polish, I'm stuck in Marian mode for the better part of a week (or more).

I have other scheduling issues to deal with.  Having a steady relationship with RQS, I do my best to make sure that my weekends are dedicated to being with her.  This has meant that my solo social life has been limited to weekdays.  But this also poses a challenge, as many of my friends are single (or in relationships such as mine) and are still working.  It's not easy to find times where both my friends and I are available to do things in the evening.

Yet, I manage.  I use a color coded calendar to tell me which presentation to use when out for the day.  On days where both Mario and Marian need to show their faces, I make sure that Mario gets the morning shift and Marian gets the evening shift.  Even this isn't perfect.  Sometimes, I need to be Marian in the morning, and Mario in the evening.  So, I try to make sure that I don't have to switch modes more than once in a day, and then only when I'm not wearing nail polish.

As I said - it's hard to plan things when one lives in two gender presentations.

Scheduling my life

 

This is a sample page taken from my online calendar.  It shows the appointments I've made where I show myself as Marian and the appointments where I show myself as Mario.  You'll notice that most of the time, you'll find me out and about as Marian (shown in green). While at other times, I am out as Mario (shown in red).  If I didn't have this calendar, I'd screw things up and appear as Marian when people expect to see Mario.

Controlling where and when people see a selected gender presentation is essential for many transgender people who are testing the waters of being out to the world.  It is not always easy- especially when one is employed and has only so much time to present as one's authentic self.  However, my use of an online calendar makes this a manageable issue, instead of one that could blow up at any time.

There will always be some risk when one lives in both masculine and feminine spaces.  People are expected to live on one side of the gender binary or the other.  But this is not always possible for the transgender person who explores his/her authentic identity.  In my case, my neighbors do not much care which version of "Me" they see.  But I live in a "Blue State" that defends my right to live as my authentic self.  Others who live elsewhere might not be as lucky as I am.

Being retired gives me many advantages.  I do not have to worry about keeping a job.  Nor do I have to worry about rushing to change from Mario into Marian when I want to socialize as a female.  Another TG person I know has moved to a "Red State" and is often mistaken for a female when presenting as a male.  Yet, this person knows her limits and lives within them.  And we are among the lucky ones. Others live in fear of what their family, friends, and employers will do if their transgender natures are exposed.  I know of one transgender woman who flip-flopped between male and female presentations until she presented as female when her client expected to see a male.  How did things work out for her? Let's say that she still has a business and that she explores her transgender nature in public.

In the end, a schedule can be an essential tool for a transgender person.  If you haven't used one to keep track of your gender presentation for the day, you should consider using one.

My only free day this week....

 

As most of my readers know, I live most of my life as a female these days.  Yes, I'm legally male, but that isn't stopping me from enjoying most of the things that have been traditionally reserved for females.  And yet, there are still things that keep pulling me to spend more time as a male - such as romance.  For that reason, I have my daily calendar marked up with "Red" and "Green" days.  Today, I noticed that I have some "Red" events scheduled after I get home for two weeknight evenings, and have two completely "Red" days scheduled over the weekend.

A while back, Fran told me that her decision to "Out" herself to the world happened when she had a meeting that required her to present as a male, but showed up for that meeting as a female.  Since I want to control my "Outings", I've had to develop a good method of scheduling my time to retain that control. (This is part of why I was so pissed off at someone a couple of years ago.  But I won't bore you with that story now.)  I don't mind outing myself to people - there are people with whom I've outed myself, simply because I felt there was little risk in doing so.

For the next few days, my evenings are taken up by zoom meetings, dinner with a new friend, and time with RQS.  There's not much "Me Time" left.  Vicki said that's normal and OK - it's nice to know that you're spending time with someone again. The reason why one goes to meetups is that one needs to occupy empty time in one's schedule.  "Me Time" can be found by removing unneeded things from the schedule.

Right now, I have created "Me Time" by dropping weekend meetups from my schedule.  And weeknight meetups are next to come.  Yet, I will miss the meetups, as they served a purpose when I needed to be with people more than I do now....

Someone's sense of timing is way off

 

Tonight, I thought I was supposed to see CWS.  But we got our signals crossed - I thought we were supposed to meet after work, and she thought it was supposed to be tomorrow night.  So I ended up eating Burger King instead of some nice Pad Thai.

- - - - - -

It was just as well that I had changed into Mario mode to see CWS, as I ended up going to Target to buy a replacement electric shaver.  My old one has a piece which is always falling off, and I lost one of the cutting heads when this happened today.  Given that the shaver is several years old, I figured that it was worth my while to buy a better shaver and use the old one for "rough cutting" when needed.  (There are times where I want to shave off 5 a little o'clock stubble, and I don't want to get the good shaver clogged with both makeup and "beard" shavings.)

I think it will take a while to break in the new shaver.  That's good, because it has most of the bells and whistles a person could want - and I want to get comfortable with all of them.  Eventually, I think I will end up spending the money to get all my facial hair zapped from my face.  Until then, I will deal with the daily task of shaving all over my body to have a more feminine appearance.

- - - - - -

If you're wondering why I chose the cartoon at the top of the entry, it's because I will soon take the subway - and I remember the days of being a commuter all too well.  I'm grateful that this is not a regular occurrence anymore.  Now, when I trek into the city, it's for pleasure.  And I'm grateful for that.

Game night came a little early this month.

 

The above picture has nothing to do with the subject of this entry.  I just thought it nice enough to be posted, and a reminder of travels I once made before the pandemic changed everything.

- - - - - -

Normally, game night is two weeks on, then two weeks off.  This month, the host made a minor mistake in scheduling, and we ended up getting together one week early.  That is more than OK with me, as I was there in time to play a game from the beginning AND play it until it came to a natural end.

The host and hostess of game night are good people, and I have signed some papers which should benefit their children if something bad were to happen to my family before I die.  Hopefully, this situation will never come to pass.  But it if does, I know of two people who will remember me even more fondly than they do now.  And this couple accepts me as Marian, not caring that my legal identity is still Mario....

- - - - - -

I've been going to game night for the better part of a decade now, and am considered one of the core group of people they will invite into their house to play games.  It's nice to be considered someone people wants to have around. 

The first part of the day was a dud....

 

Yes, a rainy morning puts a damper on doing things outside.  Given yesterday's activities, I only had enough energy to do laundry on a dreary day.  So that's what I did.

- - - - - -

After I had the chance to wake up, one of my newer acquaintances gave me a call, and suggested that we meet for an early dinner. And that we did, out in Jersey.  Too bad that I couldn't stop by TCL's place afterwards. But that's another story.

I hope that I will be able to see my new friend again.  We have similar ideas about what is needed in a good relationship.  However, there are drawbacks which could get in the way of things.  So we'll see what happens in the long term.

- - - - - -

Later on, I received a text from FCM.  She wanted to get together again. So I'll have to figure out some time that I can squeeze her into my schedule.

It's hard to keep in touch with people when you're tired all the time

 

It's hard for me to keep in touch with people when I'm tired all the time.  No, others do it with a schedule like mine.  I'm just a bad time manager these days.  I can't imagine how I did it when I worked in the city and had two or three less hours in my life each day to work with.  But I did.

Part of me is trying to juggle too many things at one time.  I want to see as many of my friends as possible, and schedules often don't work the way they need to work to make this a reality.  For example, one friend, MW and I were supposed to get together this weekend.  She forgot that it was going to be Easter, and that she'd be having her dad, her boyfriend and his daughter over that day.  Additionally, she had to help out her ex, who had to go to the hospital for emergency surgery.  Another example is KOL.  LK and I make time for her, but she has a nasty habit of letting things in her life get in the way.  (I won't go into KOL's family issues here, but they are likely to be complex at the present from what we know.) And then, there are all the other people circling around my life who never can seem to stop for a while.

Of course, not getting enough sleep doesn't help.  I used to take the ex girlfriend's issues with sleep a little bit lightly.  She'd go to sleep with her cellphone in hand, and then wake up a couple of hours later, unable to go to sleep for another 4 hours or so. She was always overtired, and now I've fallen into a similar pattern.  AARGH!

At least, I found the time to polish my nails last night.... 

Will I be able to keep up this pace?

 

I seem to be burning the midnight oil lately, not going to sleep early enough and waking up too early.  Work is not easy for me these days, as it's hard to stay awake and do a mind numbing job.  

- - - - - -

Last night, I figured that I was going to go home, relax a little, and enjoy my Zoom meetup with my Texas friends.  Yet, it seemed like Grand Central station to me, as I did not manage my time well.  This is a skill that I think I've lost in the years since I had to work a 9 to 5 job.  (The census had a schedule, but it was not one of these jobs.)

The big question is: Will I get used to a schedule where I have to be up by 6 am?  I need to do all the things required of me to present as a female when at work.  In many ways, I am living the life of a woman with a body that was born with the wrong equipment.  And this keeps getting in my way in subtle things such as having to shave every morning. 

Yet, there are only a few things I'd change, one of them is living half and half, so that I could have a woman in my life who accepts me warts and all.  Being Marian gives me energy.  But being Mario can give me companionship.  It's hard to find a middle ground, but it's a place I need to find to have optimal happiness....

Three Dogs and a Dinner

 

Well, I started off the day with scheduling issues, and things got worse from there.  No, not "worse" in the meaning of getting closer to a train wreck that's going to happen. But worse, in the idea that things had to drop so I could have dinner with a friend.

- - - - - - 

I don't get the chance to see my friend Maria up in the Kingston area.  She's the type of friend who accepts me as Marian or as Mario - and has always been good to me in the short time that I've known her.  So, when she invited me for dinner, I knew I was going to drop several balls. First, I was likely to be late in calling FH to confirm our plans for tomorrow. Second, I was not going to be able to make my Zoom meeting with my Texas friends.  Lastly, I was likely to be late to chat with a new online friend in Wappinger's Falls. It was worth the schedule disruption to have dinner.

Maria's house is in an old section of town.  Her house was built with materials you can't get anymore: 12" wide wood plank floors, exposed wood crossbeams supporting the upper floor, stone outer walls, and other things that I can't remember off hand.  From what she told me, the house was started in the 1700's, and expanded at least twice in the 1800's.  It's one of those old houses on which one should do as few alterations as possible, as one doesn't know what other intermediate projects will be needed to achieve a desired result.  Yet, much of the interior looks modern because of the minor changes she made to make the place more comfortable - mostly in the kitchen and bathrooms, with new paint jobs in all of the rooms.

My original plan was to get to Maria's by 5 pm, and leave by 7.  This would allow me to attend my Zoom meeting (audio only), and then be in contact with both FH and my new online friend.  Since I was running a little late, the sun was going down when I arrived.  Once I opened the gate to her yard, I was greeted by 3 overly friendly dogs.  Maria was a little apologetic about the dogs, but I was very happy to have their attention.  (I love pets, but not the responsibility of having them.) Both dinner and our conversation lasted longer than expected.  I was glad of that, as we rarely get the chance to talk due to conflicting schedules. FH rang me at 9 sharp (she has a nasty habit of being too punctual), and I called her back around 9:30.  She showed some concern that I skipped out on my Zoom meeting to be with a friend.  But I think it's more because of the pandemic than anything else.  And she has good reasons for that.  She is less comfortable with the risks of being with people during the pandemic than I am.

Hopefully, I'll be invited back again soon.  Maria is a good cook, and it is nice to enjoy a home cooked meal now and then.  (Maybe, I'll also get to see her boyfriend one day soon.)

 

 

  

 

How do I maintain my schedule?

 

At this point, I'd like to keep my readers up to date on what's going on in my dating life.  For the most part, I've been seeing two ladies, and have had a hard time making a decision between the two.  The woman known as MH has largely gone by the wayside, as I think she has made enough excuses to signal that I am not dating material.  But that's OK, as I couldn't juggle schedules enough to see more than two women on a regular basis.  Yet, this doesn't mean that I won't consider seeing a new woman.

Before I met my last girlfriend, I stumbled into one of the women who I regularly met in a women's meetup group on OK Cupid.  Recently, she swiped right on my ad where I'm in a masculine presentation.  So I responded to her.  If she were to be interested in me, I'd have to reveal myself quickly. But this person is not someone I'm really interested in meeting right now.

Recently, I swiped right on a retired woman lawyer's ad who lives Manhattan.  She seems like a person who would normally be out of my league.  But we'll see what happens when I see her this week.  As much as I don't need more complications in my life, I figure that I should see what chemistry could exist between us before I make the hard decision choosing between FL and FH.

You'll note that I haven't written too much about these two ladies.  Both know about me going out in the world as Marian.  But FH has yet to encounter my feminine presentation in person.  Given that she lives with an adult daughter, I'm not sure how much of an emotional risk she's willing to take.  FL, on the other hand, seems to be willing to take a risk.  However, she is juggling too many things in her life, and I can't be sure that there will be room for me as things settle down.  

I'll keep my readers informed as things develop....

 

 

 

 

.

Scheduling My Life

Most of my life these days depends on a schedule I make online.  I use one color for my events which I must attend as Mario, and one color for my events that I must attend as Marian.  And I've considered using a third color for events I can attend in either mode.  Things are complicated, but not as much so as when I was working full time as Mario.

- - - - - -

Over the years, I have met other transgender people (like Fran) that while living lives split between male and female presentations, they have had an almost impossible time keeping their male and female lives separate.  Living as one gender made things many times easier, as in the case of Fran, when she finally chose to be "out" to the world.

I am not yet at that stage, and I might not ever get there due to the priorities in my life.  I'd rather have a romantic relationship which limits my ability to live life fully in my preferred gender than to live as Marian 24x7. (Too bad my most recent relationship didn't understand this.)  Not many people want to be alone towards the end of their days.  And when that time comes for me, I hope I will have someone by my side.  But if I don't, I intend to live my life "My Way" and not how others think I should live it.

- - - - - -

Right now, I'm trying to live as much of my life as possible as Marian. I am making a choice to go to work as Marian while at the Census Bureau, so that I can have as much of my life in a female presentation as possible.  I do not have to rush home after work on a weeknight to strip off my male clothes, apply my makeup, put on a dress and jewelry, and rush out the door to my next destination.  I'd only have to be in a male presentation to see my doctor, and then I'd be close enough to work to change into female presentation for a half day as Marian. And in the opposite direction, I could strip off my female presentation, get dressed as a male, then out the door to see whoever I need to see in that mode.  But most of the days, I would not have to be "half and half".

Unlike Fran, I don't want to get caught being in one mode when expected to be in another mode.  So I have to schedule my life to require the minimum number of intra-day presentation changes as possible  And for now, I think I can do this without much trouble.  But anything can change - it all depends on the demands of my schedule....

I woke up early this morning, and started to write.

Today was going to be an unscheduled day in the middle of days where lots of things were marked on my calendar.  So I decided to write another entry to be made public on a weekend, so that I'd have the freedom NOT to write about anything and yet have something for people to read that day.

Unlike my last blog, I don't intend to have 20 canned entries waiting to be published on days I can't write anything of interest.  Often, I let many of these pre-written entries go stale, and then had to perform major surgery on them to bring them up to date.  Then, still more were unfit for publishing because what was true at the time was made false by events that happened after the entry was written.

- - - - - -

Although my alarms woke me up at the usual time, I didn't start to get moving until after noon.  Remembering that I expected a package from Amazon today, I looked out my door to find it was delivered as expected.  So I opened the package, and wrapped the locking diary for Thursday night.  I expect that both parents and the girl receiving the diary will be very happy to see this Xmas gift.  As for their son, he'll get a gift card from Barnes and Noble, along with a package of Goldfish crackers.  (He said, "anything with goldfish", and his mom said my idea was perfect.)

Very soon, I'll have to shift my alarms to wake me up 2 hours earlier than they do now.  I expect that the census job will keep me busy, and that I'll want to keep working when this job ends.  So I'll make sure that I keep a record of what I'm doing, but make sure to reveal none of the data which I will be prohibited from revealing after I'm gone.

- - - - - -

Since this is the season where I know that I'll both overeat and have excess food around the house, I had to develop a plan to keep from gaining too much weight.  After my uncle sent his yearly Xmas gift of fruit and snacks, I knew that much of the snack stuff would have to leave my apartment, lest it go to my stomach.  So I separated the fruit from the snacks, and packaged the snacks to go to this Thursday's game night meetup. 

When I finally got around to eating something other than snacks today, I ended up cooking some frozen lasagna.  Finally getting around to cooking this freezer staple allowed me to put some larger pre-made meals (for more than one person) in the freezer, so that they do not go to waste (or waist).  Thankfully, I had suspended my Freshly subscription until January 2020, or I'd not have the space in my freezer for the 2 packages.  I'm trying to have healthy food and snacks available to me when I want to nosh on something, and to have everything else inconvenient enough for me, so that I think twice before eating anything.

Weekends aren't what they used to be.

No picture can do this artwork justice - it is too large to be captured in a single picture.  To appreciate it, one has to get close to these giant pieces of rolled steel, walk around them and inside them to appreciate them for what they are.  As much as I think the artist (Richard Serra) is an asshole for his reaction to people who rejected his work (Tilted Arc) because it interfered with with their movement in a congested area of Manhattan, I will give him credit for having made interesting, engaging art with large pieces of steel.

You might be asking: why am I starting off with this picture?  It's because my weekend started off with a museum visit with GFJ.  And it's something we used to do more of in the early days of our relationship.

- - - - - -

GFJ and I planned to take the same train into NYC.  That meant that she had to make it to Beacon by 11:00 for an 11:10 train, and I would have to make it to Cortlandt 30 minutes later.  GFJ was expecting that I would meet her in Croton, and was very surprised that I got on the train 1 stop earlier.  We had a pleasant conversation on our way into NYC, with me making commentary on the little things I've noticed in my countless number of commutes into the city.

You'll note in the above picture, that the sign for the Museum of the American Gangster is almost an afterthought in the picture.  This is by design.  The museum is in a small part of the building which houses a Theater, a Bar, and a group of residences.  Who'd suspect the history that this building has unless s/he has taken the museum tour.

The museum of the American Gangster is a small museum with few artifacts.  If you were to go there and look at the main exhibit floor, you'd think you were being ripped off for the $20 admission fee.  And I wouldn't blame you for feeling this way.  I've been to museums which have had many more and better artifacts related to the American Mobs and Prohibition. (For example, one museum I visited has the car that Bonnie and Clyde were in when they were gunned down.  Another had bricks of grape juice, which when "improperly" stored and handled according to cautionary warnings on the box, would "accidentally" turn from grape juice into wine. And the Museum of the American Constitution in Philadelphia had a "Whiskey 8" motorcar on display.)

There are two redeeming things about this museum.  The first is that the is housed in a former brothel, and the tour walks you from the brothel area, through the speakeasy (now a legal bar), and ends in the ballroom of the speakeasy where the "Swells" danced the night away.  The other thing about the museum was the tour guide.  She gave a reasonably comprehensive history of the American Mob up to the 1970's in a 60 minute tour, and provided tidbits that my readings on the subject did not cover. (I love reading about vice in America, and enjoy visiting places such as "Miss Dolly's" (in Ketchikan, AK) for their immoral history.  (BTW - I missed "Miss Dolly's" on my trip to Alaska because of my then ignorance, and will go to that museum if I get there again.)

- - - - - -

Once we were done with the museum, we went to Chinatown, ending up at the Nom Wah Tea Parlor.  And that's where we gorged on Dim Sum.  YUM!   By the time we finished our meal, we had a single "meal sized" egg roll left, and I asked for it to be put into a doggie bag to go.  However, I wasn't really into bringing this treat home with me, nor was GFJ into doing it due to the length of our trips home.  If I had seen a trash receptacle, I'd have deposited the egg roll there.  But I ended up doing something that someone was grateful for.  There was a homeless person on the street begging for money - and he was very glad that I gave him that egg roll.  I guess providence was guiding me today without me knowing it.

Next, GFJ was interested in seeing Rockefeller Center's Christmas Tree.  So we took the train to Times Square, and walked to 50th street and over to 5th avenue.  The area was jam packed with people, and it was almost impossible to get a view of the tree.  But we were able to get a couple of pictures before moving on.  When we reached 5th avenue, we couldn't move any further.  Saks 5th Avenue's store Christmas Light display was causing people to pack themselves in like sardines to watch the animated display of lights.  When the active display ended, we could barely get into a position to make it to St. Patrick's Cathedral.

The last time I was at St. Pat's, the place was under renovation.  Tonight, I can appreciate why so many people consider the cathedral a special place (from a non religious viewpoint). It is a beautiful building.  But it is not a church I'd want to attend - if one were to attend services there, one is merely a face in the crowd.  This is not the feeling I want when I go to church.  About 20 minutes later, we left the church and went back to Grand Central for our train home.  We got there with about 10 minutes to spare before the train left - and had a relaxing ride up the river with nothing serious being said.

All in all it was a pleasant day, and it was the type of thing we should have done more often to keep things special between the two of us.

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

Sunday came early, and I didn't.  I should say that the sun came out, and I turned off all of my alarms then slept until the afternoon.  This, I expect, should screw up my sleep patterns for the next week or two.

There was a basket of clothes to be washed, a basket of clean clothes to put away, and a pile of folded clothes on the other side of the bed waiting to go into dresser drawers - all waiting for me to take care of them.  Since my cleaning lady would be expected to come this Thursday for her monthly visit,  this would be the perfect day to straighten things up, pick up a Christmas gift or two, and make some productive use of my time.  But did I do most of this?  Nooooooo!

For the most part, I lounged around all day until 6:30 pm or so.  Eventually, I made it to BJ's where I didn't find what I was looking for (a pair of sweats I could give to my dad on his birthday and on Xmas), but still ended up spending $90 or so.  On the way home from there, I chatted with GFJ, and then picked up stuff at the supermarket before going home for the night.

- - - - - -

I don't feel bad about today's inactivity because I have a busy week ahead of me.  Tomorrow, I'll have an Arts Westchester meeting followed by a Fun Time Friends meetup. Tuesday will have me seeing people for a Census Bureau position, then attending the last co-op board meeting of the year.  Wednesday will be relatively free, as I only have dinner with the Beacon Dining Meetup Group on my schedule.  Thursday is dedicated to Lunch with BXM, followed by games in Yonkers.  (I may use the gap between these two events to either see a movie or to pass my my brother's place to check on things.) And Friday will likely be my weekly stint at the LGBT Center, followed by dinner with Patty.  Now, if only I could find some time to see about applying for Global Entry (and scheduling an in-person appointment), so that I can get a TSA Trusted Traveler number and expedited customs clearance when I return on an international flight.










  

The last month of the year tends to be the businest month for me.

December.  It's the best month to visit New York City, as all the store Christmas decorations are on display, and it's not too cold to enjoy walking around the neighborhoods.  But it's also the busiest time for people like me, as we use this period as an excuse to excessively schedule our time to meet as many people as possible.

- - - - - -

As most of my readers know, GFJ and I have broken our routines for the last 5 years.  Whether we will go back to where we once were is up to her.  All I can do is be available. Therein lies an interesting conundrum for me.  Given what happened about a month or so ago, I have started to book my weekends independent of her.

Since the beginning of September, our schedules have grown a little out of sync with each other.  I've had my cruise, she's had her vacation in Florida, she will be spending an upcoming weekend going to a baby shower and to see her son, and we will likely be apart for the holidays.  Do I want to invest time in her without assurance of a positive return?  It's a hard question for me to answer, as I'm afraid of opening up my heart again only to have it broken. 

Recently, she hinted that she wanted to get together on a specific weekday, and I said that I wasn't too sure of what I had going on.  This was true - I didn't bother to check my calendar. I knew that I had a couple of things to take care of, but I wasn't sure about having dinner. And I knew that both of us would be busy for the next two weeks, save for a weekend day when we were free from family duties.  So we had dinner together and another long talk.

Throughout the rest of the month, I expect that there will be even more conflicts in our schedules.  My brother is going to England soon, and will be there for two weeks.  Since I have to be in the NYC area for my Dad while my brother is away, there is no way I could accompany GFJ to see her son even if I were asked to go. The rest of December will be very busy, as my meetup groups and other gatherings are filling up most open days and evenings up to the end of the year.

Given where I am in life, the problem of being Marian vs. having Romance has reared its ugly head, and I have no clean solution that allows me complete happiness.  All I can do is muddle through, and look for a solution which provides a reasonable amount of happiness. I've been honest about the trade offs I am willing to make, and I hope that they are enough to maximize my potential return on romantic investment.

And the week started to get busy....

Last night, I saw GFJ for dinner to talk about the problems in our relationship.  Some of you can guess what they are.  But for now, I won't discuss them here.  I want to give her enough room to process her feelings - and discussing them here may not help things.

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Waking up this morning, I felt rested, but lethargic.  Checking my blood sugar levels, I knew why - they were a little bit lower than usual for this time of morning, and I knew that it was time to have something that would pass for breakfast.

Once I took care of this, I figured that I'd check my email.  I received a notice from a TV show filming in NYC that I had a confirmed ticket for tomorrow.  This was no good anymore, as I had dinner scheduled with Vicki #1. So I sent a response cancelling my ticket, and continued checking my emails.  It's amazing how much low-priority email is getting tossed into the spam folder.  Since I see them on my cell phone before they are folder-filed, I know that they have little value.  So I decided not to change my filters for now.

And then, I looked at my schedule....

The rest of my week looked like this:

Tuesday:
1. Volunteering at Arts Westchester
2. Dinner with the Beacon Meetup Group

Wednesday:
1. Volunteering at the LGBT Center
2. Dinner with Vicki #1 (Hudson Valley Restaurant Week)

Thursday:
1. Speech Therapy
2. Dinner with HWV (Hudson Valley Restaurant Week)

Friday:
1. (Possible) Volunteering at Arts Westchester
2. (Possible) Visiting MoMA with my niece.

Saturday:
1. (Possible) Visiting JS and seeing her Psychic.

Of course, many things end up filling in the gaps.  Chores such as laundry, shopping, etc. take up a lot of time when one has the time to burn.  And I burn it well....

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Around 1 pm, I drove to Arts Westchester to do a volunteer stint.  Today's task was to slice and dice information collected on a spreadsheet, and separate each organization's visitors into separate row entries, so that further analysis of that information could take place.  Unfortunately, the instructions given to me was a little flawed, as well as my understanding of those instructions. So I ended up wasting a little time (as well as having to do some rework) because of mutual misunderstandings.  But I got enough done correctly, so that I'll be coming back next week.

After this, I drove to the dining meetup in Fishkill, with a stop at BJ's Wholesale Club.  I figured that I'd pick up some plastic cups and paper plates I often use, killing time before the meetup. Once done at BJ's, I drove to dinner and found a parking spot near the restaurant without any problem.  (Sometimes, it pays to be a little bit early.)  Then I sat down across from a new member, next to one of our regulars, and across from WDJ.  Although it was noisy, I had several good conversations. And all too soon, dinner was over. 

Driving home, I tried to reach GFJ - but her line was busy.  She was chatting with her son about Thanksgiving issues, and called me back as soon as she was off the phone.  It seems like the big family Thanksgiving dinner may be called off due to family complications I can't go into detail here.  Instead, she may end up spending the holiday with both her sons at her youngest son's place.  Although she was originally planning on renting a car and driving 600 miles each way, I suggested that she look into Amtrak.  She could leave her car at my place, hop on the Lake Shore Limited, and reach her son's place about 16 hours later. (That should be enough information to guess where he lives.)  We ran the numbers for the trip, and doing this will cost less than the car rental.  Hopefully, that fare will still be available if she needs to use it.

- - - - - -

Once I got home, I turned on the political news.  And I found that the Democrats won big in the State of Virginia.  Of course, my curiosity was piqued.  Did my favorite Virginia politician win?  YES!!!!!

Danica Roem
Member of the Virginia House of Delegates from the 13th district

On November 5, 2019, Roem defeated Republican challenger Kelly McGinn, becoming the first openly transgender state legislator to be re-elected.

On the whole, this was a very good day - even though I found out that a job application I sent in was rejected.  (I didn't really want to work in a call center.  But it was a full time position in a firm which makes sure that transgender individuals are protected. So, why not email a resume?  It couldn't hurt!)

Missing a monthly meeting at Arts Westchester

Sometimes, I screw up things on my schedule and forget appointments.  Today was one of those days.  This was the day that the monthly Arts Westchester arts ambassadors (read: volunteers) meeting was held.  And due to the confusion that's been messing around with my life lately, I totally forgot about the meeting until mid afternoon.  AARGH!

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Last night, I put on my CPAP mask around 2 am, but didn't get to sleep until (at least) 3 am.  When I awoke at 7:45, I didn't feel as if I had enough sleep. And nothing was going to help - even if I laid in bed for another couple of hours.  So, I got out of bed without checking my schedule for the day and took it easy.

Eventually, I decided to look for my Freshly delivery - and it was not on my landing where I expected it.  So I got dressed and found it in front of the mailboxes.  I was too tired to complain, so I brought the box upstairs, loaded the meals into the refrigerator, and then went out to my car to clean it up for Thursday.  (HWV and another board member are going with me in my car to a Restaurant Week dinner.)  It amazed me that I found so much garbage in the back of my car, as I dumped three overflowing supermarket bags into the dumpster, and filled the Freshly box with stuff I planned to keep.  By the time I had the chance to look at my email, I realized that I had screwed up - I had missed the monthly meeting.  I contacted the volunteer coordinator to let her know what happened.  And then, I went inside to get ready for dinner.

GFJ and I are still talking.  Over dinner, she mentioned that something I said triggered thoughts of what the real problems are.  But I won't go into them here.  All I will say is that they are valid issues, and if I had been in her shoes, I might be feeling the same way that she is right now.  At least, we will be able to maintain communications between us, and see what happens in the future.

When I got home, I got an email from the art gallery I interviewed at last week.  They chose another candidate for the position.  And strangely, that makes me glad.  I wasn't the right person for the position, and they knew it.  But I did make a suggestion that I hope helps them in the future - they need a floater employee who can fill in when one of the other two people need to take off.  Who knows, maybe they'd consider me for the floater position if it is created.