The doctor wants to run another test on me - a short post

 

I went to the doctor today, and he saw signs that made him want to have a liver scan done on me.  I've put this off for a long while, and don't relish going in for a simple scan.  Why, you might ask?  Maybe, I'm hiding from reality.  And maybe, I simply don't care.  This is why I wish I had a good therapist I could trust with both my eating issues and my gender issues.

Years ago, I broke up with Patty, then Ex-GF-M because of eating issues.  Both were good people, but they were triggering my food addiction.  Since then, I've never been able to restore the drive I once had to lose weight and live a more healthy lifestyle.  I've simply become complacent.  And I'm paying the price for being complacent.

Hopefully, this will be a wake-up call in the nick of time, as I want to stay healthy enough to live a longer life than I expect to live, now that I have someone I really care about in my life.  But it will take major changes in my life to do so.  At least, there will be one major non-health related benefit - I will be able to buy a new wardrobe that fits me well and looks better on me.

My checking account shrinketh...

 

Like many retirees, I am draining both my savings accounts and my checking accounts.  I made the decision to do this when I quit the job I had at the imaging firm.  As much as it pains me to see my balances go down, I know that this annoyance will end soon - when Social Security payments kick in.

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Unlike many people, I am lucky to have a pension, a reasonably sized social security payment (as of January), and a 401K which I have only touched once.  Managed properly, in an age of low inflation, I am reasonably set for life - as long as I stay tolerably healthy.  And I will be trying to stay tolerably healthy for as long as I can do so.

But what does this all mean?

In order to stay healthy, I will need to lose weight and become more active.  The older I get, the harder this is to do. There is a benefit to this - I will be able to refresh my wardrobe from more sites that I can now choose from.  It'll be much easier to buy nice clothes when I'm a size-22w than now, when I am a size-28w. 

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And now, back to checks....

I rarely write checks these days, save for those recipients to whom I don't want to make electronic money transfers.  When I was gainfully employed, I worked on machines which would process over 2mm checks per day, items moving through check sorters at 20 mph.  Now, if a bank receives a check, it is captured where it is received, and digital copies of the check are electronically exchanged between banks.  Check volume is only a small fraction of what it once was, and that is a good thing.  Yet, I miss the old way of doing things.  It was tactile (in some ways) and physical.  Today's method of moving money may be more secure, but it is too easy to lose track of where one's money is going.

Would I switch back to paper checks for most of my bills?  No.  Even I respect today's reality and accept change for the benefits it provides.  But I do miss the days when I was paid very well for a business model which is mostly obsolete now.

Catching up on chores

 

It wasn't the nicest of days today. So I opted for a day indoors, and decided to take care of 4 loads of laundry waiting to be done.  Given that it was cold and wet, I saw no point in getting dressed and going out as Marian today.  Instead, I figured that I would take care of things around the apartment and catch up on chores that needed to be taken care of.

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Unlike some TG people, I keep my male and female wardrobes separate and rarely share anything between the wardrobes excepting socks.  So this forces me to take an extra step when I do laundry.  Before washing clothes, I separate whites from colors.  After drying clothes, I separate male from female clothes and store them accordingly.

Why do I mention this?

Recently, I met an acquaintance who blends items from both male and female sides of the closet. It's hard enough for me to keep things straight when switching between gender presentations without having to worry if a garment pairing appears too masculine or feminine.  In some areas of this country, people have been beaten up for much less than an androgynous gender presentation.  So, seeing this friend reminded me of why I do not blend my gender presentations, and why I work to make my feminine presentation as authentic as possible - as if I were a cisgender woman wearing the same clothes.

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I try to make my feminine presentation as accurate as possible, so that I will be mistaken for a cisgender female 99% of the time.  This would make it possible for me to visit my friends in Texas - if I were willing to take the chance to do so.  Right now, whenever I go on a cruise as Marian, I think that the cruise line's facial recognition technology spits out an error code when it scans my photo, triggering a new picture of me to be taken when I arrive at the cruise terminal.  It's too bad that I don't have feminine fat distribution.  I would love to have a zaftig woman's T&A - if only so that I can wear a woman's skirted bathing suit or garments that expose my cleavage, without my biological gender being revealed. 

There are many things that make it possible to blend in as a woman.  First comes confidence.  Next comes the quality of presentation. And finally, one needs to be comfortable in her own skin.  With the exception of having a large body, I think I do well enough to avoid having major problems. (At least, I hope so.)  With that being said, I'd like to have legal ID that corresponds to an ambiguous gender presentation (including name), save for my gender marker.  That would be good enough for 99% of the times I need to present an ID card in public.

One can dream....

The detrius of someone's life

 

The other day, I saw this scooter put out in the trash area for bulk pickup.  Given that the scooter likely came from the belongings of a woman who died a few months ago, I feel a little sad seeing the scooter  here to be taken out with the trash..

We all get old, and we all die.  It's just a matter of how and when that these things happen.  For many of us, it's hard to get our heads around the idea of a time in which we won't exist.  Since our lives can end at anytime, it makes sense to plan for tomorrow, but live for today.

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This morning, I came home from a doctor's appointment and met my next door neighbor.  He said that he hadn't heard any noise coming from my apartment and hadn't seen my car move in several days.  If he hadn't seen me come in today, he might have called the police to check in on me.  This got me to thinking: What if something did happen to me?  Who'd care other than distant family and friends?

Right now, my apartment is a total mess.  I'd feel sorry for the people who would be responsible if I were to die suddenly, as they would need to figure out how I arranged things in my financial life and then clean out, freshen up, and sell my apartment.  So, I will need to take care of a few things while I still have the ability to do so.  (No, I don't expect anything to happen to me.  But how many of us do?)

As my readers know, I maintain two wardrobes.  I can only imagine what my brother would think if he saw what was in one of my closets.  Whoever handles the closeout of my life will be in for some surprises.  It's too bad that I won't be around to see their reactions....

Seeing a friend for lunch

I'd love to open up today's entry with a musical phrase that had the sonic undertones of "I read the news today...."  But putting words on a video display can not properly capture how I felt when I woke up this morning.

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My alarms are usually set to wake me up around 8:30, 9:00, and 10:00 am.  The 8:30 am alarm wakes me up enough, so that if I want to watch TV at 9:00 am, I can do so.  9:00 comes 30 minutes later, and serves to being me to semi consciousness if I've fallen back to sleep. And 10:00 comes an hour later, and forces me to get up and moving if I haven't done so already.  Today, it was the latter alarm that woke me up, and I realized that I was going to be running late for lunch with SWD.  So I messaged her, and said that I'd be about a half hour late for lunch.

Once I was moving, I had to make a hard decision - what to wear for the day.  Until I started to dress as a woman does, I had no clue why many women day "I have nothing to wear" when they have a full closet.  Now, I suffer with the same problems.  So I chose a tunic length dress and a pair of leggings for appropriateness with today's dreary weather, got dressed and out the door 45 minutes later than planned.

On the way up to Beacon, I got stuck behind traffic. When I reached Garrison, WDJ called. There were things she wanted to talk about, as well as wanting to process feelings from a matter we discussed the week before.  I ended the call when I reached Beacon, and found a parking spot a short block away from the restaurant.

I arrived at the restaurant around 12:15 and saw SWD in the window.  So I went into the restaurant and sat down at her table.  We chatted about many things, most notably issues with our significant others and what is going on with our families.  This would be a shorter lunch than usual, as we were out the door within an hour or so.  But this was OK with me - I've been feeling down since Saturday, and still need time to process my feelings from that night.

When I got home, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.  So I decided to take a nap.  By the time I got up, it was 8:00, and I realized I was in for the night.  (How many Freshly meals do I have left in my freezer?)