Retirement can be the life of some people and the death of others

 

A little under 11 years ago, I was laid off by the bank I worked at for 30 years.  Before this happened, I was in total fear of what would happen next.  Today, I think of this as a great blessing.  Before being laid off, I was worried about what would happen if word of Marian got back to the bank.  Afterwards, I felt free to explore this part of myself and grow as a person.

Being retired has given me the freedom to be my authentic self.  I have traveled as Marian, and I have grown because I've done so.  When my legal identity is not revealed, I am able to call myself Marian, and people accept me as such.  I've found that people accept me more as Marian, in part, because I am more open as my authentic self.  Yes, some people clock me as transgender.  But I am usually treated with respect, as I live in a state which expects that people like me will be treated with respect.

At first, being retired meant that I had an excess of free time.  But this only meant that the ways I use my time and energy would change.  Now, I find that it takes me longer to get many things done, but I am much more relaxed in doing so. My time is no longer ruled by the clock and calendar, instead, it is managed by them.  There will always be events that take place on fixed times and days (such as going to church services), but most tasks can be done at my convenience.  If being employed is like classical music with fixed structures and tempos, then retirement is like jazz, where one has freedom to improvise around a known theme.

But this freedom isn't good for all people.  My former therapist was an alcoholic in recovery who always seemed in control of his life.  The structures he built in sobriety (exercise routines, AA meetings, and client appointments) weren't there in retirement.  As soon as he left his practice in White Plains for retirement in Honolulu, his life fell apart.  Within 5 years, his son was in danger of repeating his father's life, he had divorced his wife, and he finally passed away.  It is no secret that a large number of men tend to die within 3 years of retirement - employment gave these men a structure needed to live as long as they did.

So what do I recommend for people, especially men, for whom retirement is in the near future?  To be direct - social engagement in late middle age is hard for most men, and it is much harder for them to connect with others and befriend them.  This is where women tend to have it much easier - their lives are built around the social glue that keeps society together.  Who tends to take care of babies?  Women.  Who tends to take care of household responsibilities other than physical upkeep of property - Women.  Who tends to dominate the nurturing jobs in society, such as Nurses and Teachers?  Women.  And to do this, they tend to build up networks that most men wish they could do.  When a woman approaches another person (especially other women), sexuality is not part of the equation.  Only when she deliberately sends out signals of interest does sex come in to play.  Men tend to be much more isolated, as their connections are usually built around their careers and not about their families' connections with other families.

For us transgenders, we send out more awkward messages - especially when we first come out.  What women learn over a lifetime of being female, we have to learn in  a crash course in femininity.  So, finding new friends is much harder for us than for cisgender people.  I am lucky that I was laid off from the bank when I was 57, and had time to develop myself into a person ready for full retirement.  Yes, making new friends is still awkward for me.  Yet, at least, I have done so.....  

 

Often, being Transgender is very mundane.

 

There are many trans people who get lost in the pink fog, and rush into things needlessly.  Yes, they have new found freedom in being able to express their authentic selves.  But they often forget that the real world usually doesn't care whether a person is trans or not.  As a result, many things slip while a trans person explores her/his new place in the world.  Eventually, the trans person and reality have to get back in sync with each other, and the mundane things in life take over.  This is not a bad thing.  A successful transition will enable one to experience the mundane as one's authentic self.

As my loyal readers will note, many of the entries I've posted in this blog are not those where going out in the world is a novel experience, as they were in my previous blog.  Instead, my current entries are those which deal with the issues I face in life - either as a male or female.  Many of them have unusual twists, such as my travels while presenting as a female and carrying male ID.  Yet, I try to say things that might be of interest to the trans person just coming out.  It takes a lot of courage for many trans people to out themselves.  And for many, they are unable to be completely out because of their real life commitments.  For example, one trans woman I know is a doctor whose wife accepts her presenting as a female, as long as she doesn't go 24x7. (There are issues with both her career and her family that get in the way of being out to the world.)  Another trans woman I know outed herself, and lost contact with many in her family. Trans people often lose family, friends and careers in order to be their authentic selves, so I encourage trans people considering outing themselves to think things through and be careful when they do so.

At my stage of being trans, I exist in a happy medium.  Since I am not very gender dysphoric, I can live in either gender as needed.  But I must revert to being Marian for my sanity.  I am comfortable staying at this point in the transition process for romance, unlike many trans folk. And in this way, I am lucky, as I have someone who accepts me for who and what I am now.  Others are not so lucky.  Recently, I found out that one trans woman I know reverted to her male identity for romance,  and has recently returned to a female identity.  (Did romance influence either or both changes?)   

One thing I wish I could change more effectively is my voice - it is still picked up as being male on the phone.  And this is something that many M2F trans people have to deal with.  A trans acquaintance of mine had surgery to raise the pitch of her voice. But she is still perceived as a male over the phone, as her speech patterns still have a masculine imprint.  It takes a lot of work to develop female vocal mannerisms, but it doesn't get in the way for most of us in our lives.

So now, we end up dealing with the mundane.  I still have to pay my bills throughout the month.  I still have doctors' appointments for our ailments (as I will have a week from today for a GI Tract issue).  And I still need to take care of the everyday tasks of life, such as laundry.  Most of the time, a trans person's life will be mundane, as other than our gender dysphoria, we are living everyday lives.  Even when something "exciting" happens (such as having a wallet stolen in Chicago), I do what I would be doing as if I were simply a cisgender person, and am treated the same as if I were just a cisgender person.  The only difference is that I have to be on the watch out for people who hate trans people because we don't fit into their view of the world.  And that's a small price I pay for being my authentic self.....