Skipping out on a meetup and making new plans.

 

In the past, when in my "Pink Fog", I experimented with my gender presentation and went to meetups geared to women.  I was accepted, though most knew I was TG.  Yet, after a bad experience or two, I decided to skip out on a women's meetup. As much as I could be reacting out of fear, I also feel that I've been eating out way too often, and need to do something else other than meeting new acquaintances.  This means that I again had the option to go into NYC and see a play while RQS is away for the weekend.

Did I go to the play on Friday?  No. Although I woke up early enough to go out and take a 1 mile walk, I stayed inside much of the day, and went out only to buy some essentials at the local BJ's Wholesale Club.  That's where I found out that my reproduced card with my Marian picture didn't work.  (This was a planned test of the reproduction, as I had the good card with Mario's picture on me.)  Since I no longer have the card with my Marian image that works (it was stolen while I was in Chicago last year), I'll have to bite the bullet and announce that I am trans to get an official card with Marian's picture and name on it.

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Saturday came, and I took my time on getting up.  Although there are two full loads of laundry to be done, I've had no energy to do them.  Instead, I decided to migrate most of my full resolution photos to be backed up in Amazon Photos, so that I can make space on Google photos for new pictures.  This has been a very time consuming process, as I have to upload photo organization and information from my computer's hard drive to create albums in Amazon photos.  By midday, less than half of my photos were in organized Amazon photo folders.  At least, this is only a time consuming task that will take several days to complete.

Later in the day, I decided to go and see an Off Broadway play.  Instead of seeing "Celino v. Barnes" like I planned (the evening performance was sold out), I chose to see "Someone Spectacular" in its place.  (If I had thought more, I'd have gone to see Blue Man Group and saved "Someone Spectacular" for when RQS is back home.  But I digress....)  

I purchased my ticket online, then headed down to NYC with only a few minutes to spare.  The 4:52 pm train gave me 2 hours in which I could find something to eat, then make it to the theater.  Normally, I would have no problem leaving Grand Central at 7:00 pm, taking a crosstown bus to make an 8:00 pm performance.  So I went downstairs for a bite to eat, then listened to a busker perform "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" on his horn.  However, the bus I took was overcrowded and took almost 45 minutes to make it to 10th avenue from Grand Central (4th Avenue/Park Avenue).  For those not familiar with New York City, that's a speed of 1.33 miles per hour!  NYC should be ashamed for rushing the extension of the Flushing line (the #7 train) to Hudson Yards without having a 10th Avenue stop.  In the rush to get the job done "on time" for political purposes only, we lost a much needed stop on the West Side that would serve some Off Broadway theaters and get people onto faster subsurface transit.

Eventually, I found myself in front of the theater and picked up my ticket.  A few minutes later, and I was seated for the play.  Now, the opening 10 minutes has the cast fiddling around, moving chairs and things, killing time before their grief therapist is to arrive.  But the therapist never arrives, and here the real play truly begins.  If one has been to group therapy, especially Grief therapy, then the situations of each of the characters will seem very familiar.  So when the play starts having the characters start baring their souls, the play becomes both funny and serious at the same time.  I'm not going to spoil this play by giving out any more details.  But I highly recommend seeing this play if you are in the NYC area.

When I got out of the theater, I noticed that the crosstown buses were running every 15-20 minutes or so.  Instead of waiting and missing my train to Croton, I walked the 2 long blocks to 8th Avenue, where I made the big mistake of entering the subway system to walk the last block over to 7th Avenue where I could catch the shuttle to Grand Central.  I must have walked up and down stairs equivalent to that of a 4-5 story building while walking that last block.  (But I did get my workout for the day!)  Luckily, I made it to Grand Central with 15 minutes to catch my train.

On the way home, I had a texting conversation with RQS regarding the party she attended in Boston.  I won't go into too much, save that I am concerned about RQS being in a car when her friend is driving due to her questionable judgement.  Hopefully, RQS can find polite ways to tell this friend NOT to drive when she's partied for too long....

Often, being Transgender is very mundane.

 

There are many trans people who get lost in the pink fog, and rush into things needlessly.  Yes, they have new found freedom in being able to express their authentic selves.  But they often forget that the real world usually doesn't care whether a person is trans or not.  As a result, many things slip while a trans person explores her/his new place in the world.  Eventually, the trans person and reality have to get back in sync with each other, and the mundane things in life take over.  This is not a bad thing.  A successful transition will enable one to experience the mundane as one's authentic self.

As my loyal readers will note, many of the entries I've posted in this blog are not those where going out in the world is a novel experience, as they were in my previous blog.  Instead, my current entries are those which deal with the issues I face in life - either as a male or female.  Many of them have unusual twists, such as my travels while presenting as a female and carrying male ID.  Yet, I try to say things that might be of interest to the trans person just coming out.  It takes a lot of courage for many trans people to out themselves.  And for many, they are unable to be completely out because of their real life commitments.  For example, one trans woman I know is a doctor whose wife accepts her presenting as a female, as long as she doesn't go 24x7. (There are issues with both her career and her family that get in the way of being out to the world.)  Another trans woman I know outed herself, and lost contact with many in her family. Trans people often lose family, friends and careers in order to be their authentic selves, so I encourage trans people considering outing themselves to think things through and be careful when they do so.

At my stage of being trans, I exist in a happy medium.  Since I am not very gender dysphoric, I can live in either gender as needed.  But I must revert to being Marian for my sanity.  I am comfortable staying at this point in the transition process for romance, unlike many trans folk. And in this way, I am lucky, as I have someone who accepts me for who and what I am now.  Others are not so lucky.  Recently, I found out that one trans woman I know reverted to her male identity for romance,  and has recently returned to a female identity.  (Did romance influence either or both changes?)   

One thing I wish I could change more effectively is my voice - it is still picked up as being male on the phone.  And this is something that many M2F trans people have to deal with.  A trans acquaintance of mine had surgery to raise the pitch of her voice. But she is still perceived as a male over the phone, as her speech patterns still have a masculine imprint.  It takes a lot of work to develop female vocal mannerisms, but it doesn't get in the way for most of us in our lives.

So now, we end up dealing with the mundane.  I still have to pay my bills throughout the month.  I still have doctors' appointments for our ailments (as I will have a week from today for a GI Tract issue).  And I still need to take care of the everyday tasks of life, such as laundry.  Most of the time, a trans person's life will be mundane, as other than our gender dysphoria, we are living everyday lives.  Even when something "exciting" happens (such as having a wallet stolen in Chicago), I do what I would be doing as if I were simply a cisgender person, and am treated the same as if I were just a cisgender person.  The only difference is that I have to be on the watch out for people who hate trans people because we don't fit into their view of the world.  And that's a small price I pay for being my authentic self.....