Thinking about a friend - a short post

 

I have a friend whose life has been quite a disaster.  The other day, he came to me asking for advice as he had hit a low in his life.  The question I had was: Do I tell him the unvarnished truth and risk the friendship?  Or, do I try to soften things up, and help him continue along the erroneous path he's been taking in his life?  I decided to risk the friendship and go for broke.

It took me a while to compose a reply to this friend's request for help.  And I let him have my opinion, as if it were a gun shooting its load from both barrels.  Surprisingly, he took things well.  Whether or not he really thinks hard about what I said is something I can't determine.  But I now know he took it in the spirit in which it was said, as he trusts my opinion and my ability to see things clearly.

- - - - - -

Why do I mention this?

One of the things I mentioned in a follow up message was that both he and his partner need to go to couples therapy.  If 50% of marriages break up because of money, a good deal of the other 50% break up because of bad communications skills.  His partner has supported him through thick and thin, throughout a period of life where his health deserted him.  Without this woman in his life, he would likely be homeless - and he knows it.

A skill that I learned from my former therapist was to identify underlying emotions before they erupt as anger.  With my friend, he still needs to learn a similar skill - how to hold back from casting his die before he understands the consequences of that cast.  (See: Alea iacta est.)  Sadly, he didn't trust his partner to do the communications for him during one hospital visit, and it caused him a lot of grief afterwards.  Even now, he still has a problem judging the potential consequences of his actions.

Hopefully, my most recent communications with this friend will trigger him to get some help.  Yet, I can't help but think: There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Hawaii Vacation - Day 03: Pearl Harbor

 

Sadly, this was as close as I was going to get to the USS Arizona this trip.  The wind was too gusty for the ferries to transport people to the memorial.  Yet, this was an enjoyable excursion.

But first....

Unlike yesterday, it was much harder to find something to eat.  Unless one remembered that there was a Mickey D's about a block away, the only dining options were a sit down "diner" and a coffee shop inside the hotel building.  This meant that I would go hungry and thirsty if the ABC store downstairs didn't open up before 7.  As was my luck, the store opened up at 6:30 am, and I was able to eat the egg sandwich on the bus to Pearl Harbor.

Ever since 9/11, the military insists that a "no bag" policy is observed, save for clear plastic "stadium bags".  I was lucky to know about this, as I bought such a bag before the trip.  Today, I packed much of the stuff I normally keep in my handbag into the stadium bag, and was ready for today's excursion.  First stop was at the visitors center where security "inspected" the bus for contraband before entering the base. And then, it was off to the USS Missouri.

The "Mighty Mo," as the battleship is called, has an interesting history.  It was built at the beginning of WW2, and the war ended with the Japanese government signing a peace treaty on its decks.  The ship was mothballed, only to be reactivated for the Iraq war. Now deactivated again, it has become a living museum.  It was nice to be able to see this ship in person, but felt a little sad that something like this now only serves historical use.

 
Next, it was off to the Pacific Aviation Museum to see all the old military aircraft.  This was interesting, but marred by one incident.  Stuff started spilling out of my stadium bag (I didn't zip it up right) and I dropped a water bottle on the floor.  I'm glad that it was only water!  So I got out of Dodge, and went to another area of the museum where restorations were going on.  And then, it was off to the USS Arizona. (Or, I should say, it was off to try and see the USS Arizona Memorial.)

The USS Arizona has an interesting history, but it is best known for being sunk on 12/07/41.  The Memorial was built above the ship, but not touching it.  The only way to reach the memorial is by ferry, and they weren't running because of gusty winds.  So, I decided to have lunch, then explore the USS Bowfin. 

 

The Bowfin is a typical WW2 submarine.  Having been in one before (in San Francisco), I knew that space would be tight - and it was.  Since I had 3 hours to kill, it made sense to explore the sub, then go back to the tour bus a little early.  This time, the bus was parked way off to the side, and I couldn't find it at first.  At least, I knew enough to ask questions.  I walked over to the bus and relaxed until it was time to leave.

Once back at the hotel, I decided to take a second shower for the day and make myself look pretty.  I was getting together with my late therapist's wife and son, and I wanted to make a good impression on them.  She came at 7 pm, and it was off to dinner.  The conversation could have gone on forever.  But this is typical of people who may never see each other again, but have a common thing or person to talk about. It was nice to find out things about my therapist that I didn't know, including the good and bad things that I would have found out had his demons not got to him when he left his New York support structure.   Also, it was nice to tell the son about his dad, sharing things that he may never have heard from someone who wasn't family.  Hopefully, the son will turn out to be as good a person as his dad was, without the issues his dad had. 

All too soon, it was time to go back to the hotel and pack for the next 7 days on board the cruise ship.  Hopefully, I won't have this much trouble when I have to pack to go home....

The last full day before starting my trip.

 

Today started with a lack of sleep from the night before.  And I had a 10 am appointment at Mavis.  AARGH!  So I stumbled into consciousness, got dressed, and went to Mickey D's before my car's appointment.  I had a feeling about what would be wrong with the car, and I am not sure if they got it right.  They claimed the problem was a TPMS sensor, and 2 hours + 100 dollars later, I was out of the place.  What a way to start the morning.

Next, it was back home to organize what I packed in my luggage.  And I was able to make some space in my luggage, so I could close both bags without effort.  Unfortunately, I will need to unpack/pack at least 3 more times, and I will not be looking forward to this part of my trip.  There are still so many things I need to do for the trip, and I know I will be under prepared in many ways.  As long as I have my clothes, my makeup, my wig, my CPAP machine and some money, all will be OK.

Since this trip will be made in female presentation, I'll be sure to have a full makeup kit with me However, I won't have a chance to do any touch up for at least 13 hours - and I may be showing some stubble by then.  Thankfully, I'll be able to hide this by wearing a face mask until I get to the hotel. And then, the fun begins....

I'm hoping to meet the widow of my late therapist.  She will likely be surprised to see me as a female. But I will explain that I never felt comfortable discussing this with her late husband.  And I hope that we will continue our chat in the way we expected when I last exchanged emails with her.

Sadly, my time in Honolulu will be too short.  But then, this is a problem in any visit to the Hawaiian islands.  There is never enough time to explore all of the islands, and never enough money to do the explorations right.

Packing for a trip is such a pain in the ass.

 

Over the past few days, I've been packing and unpacking then repacking for my upcoming cruise.  I have to be careful of what to take with me in my carry on bag, as well as worry about the weight limits for my checked bag.  Additionally, I have to be a little creative in what I consider to be my "personal item", as I will want to carry more than the airline would want me to carry into the cabin.

- - - - - -

The other day, I got an email regarding my in-flight snack/meal purchases, and I didn't respond quick enough.  As a result, I got locked out of buying what I wanted, as my favorite selections were already  sold out.  So, I'll have to pick up a bite to eat at the airport while waiting for my first flight, then hope that the snacks I bought will be enough for me as I fly from California to Hawaii.

It's been over a decade since I've flown.  And though I'm told that I shouldn't worry about things, I can't help but worry.  Will I get into trouble due to an issue with my ID?  Will I get hassled because I am gender non-conforming?  Who knows?  As they say, "in for a penny, in for a pound."  Most likely, I'm worried about too many little things.  But then, I am simply trying to be careful because this trip is expensive, and one I won't be able to do again.

Once I'm out in Hawaii, I have a decision to make.  A while back, my former therapist passed away. When I wrote to him, his (ex) wife answered my letter and said I should look her up when I get to Hawaii.  I think I will send her an email in the morning, saying that I should be out there in a few days, and mention when I will likely be available for dinner.

One thing I know, the posts I'll be making in regard to this trip should have some very interesting photos.  I expect that the recent volcano eruptions will provide for some great pictures....

A story of 3 couples.

 

Recently, a conversation with a person triggered some thoughts about personalities, and Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" came to mind.  So I figured I'd start off by noting the chorus to the song and see if it fits:

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you

You're so vain (you're so vain)
I bet you think this song is about you
Don't you don't you?

 

- - - - - -

Today, I got to thinking about general personality types for divorcees and widows, and I realized that much of the problems we have in choosing second (third, etc.) partners are related to how we filter our memories.  Widow(er)s will often put the late spouse on a pedestal, filtering out the bad memories.  Divorcees will often put their ex spouse in the demonic light of hellfire, filtering out the good memories. Not often enough will people see their absent/former partner in a balanced light.  The truth is usually in the middle of the extremes.

So I'll start off by relating three stories of relationships that ended and see what you think:

1. Several years ago, after breaking up with Ex-GF-M, I placed personal ads on OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish.  One of the women I talked with was a pleasant looking Brunette wearing glasses.  But from the beginning I knew that this person would be wrong for me.  She was going through her second divorce, with her to be ex husband sharing a house with her.  All she could do was vent about him and her first ex, and I realized that I didn't want to be the third ex in waiting.
   
   
2. When I was an active member of the AOL Widow/Widower chat room, I befriended a couple that were widowed before they met.  They married, but broke up (in part) because the husband put his late wife on too much of a pedestal.  That's not the loss I'd want to experience if I were to remarry.
   
   
3. One of my friends (who has passed away) stayed on good terms with her ex, and she (with current husband) and her ex (with current wife) would go on vacation together.  I never heard her say a bad word about her ex, but never did she go out of her way to praise him either.  He was a decent man, but someone she couldn't live with.
   

What I see is that in the case of the nasty divorce, one partner has no empathy for anyone but herself.  In the second relationship, the husband put too much of himself into his relationship with the late spouse, and didn't have enough left for his current spouse.  And in the third case, everyone found a happy medium.  Although the third couple must have had some nasty spats, they didn't label the other partner as evil or backstabbing.  They simply agreed that their relationship didn't work out and moved on from there.

- - - - - -

Friendships can end in the same way as couples #1 and 3.  For me, I'd rather be like the 3rd couple, than either of the other 2.  Sadly, this is often not the case.

Just before the pandemic hit last year, I received an email from the ex-wife of my former therapist.  Although she was divorced from her ex, she still loved him.  She just couldn't live with his demons.  She had nothing bad to say about him.  And, having met me in New York, she invited me for lunch at her ex's favorite restaurant.  Too bad that this place is in Hawaii - I'll have to make an extra effort to take her up on her offer....