Above is a photo of my late wife. She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone. But why am I mentioning this here today?
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I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married. Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember. Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty". And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.
My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. But I never would dare going outside in such things. She tolerated me more than anything else. Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day. Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons. (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.) Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became? (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.) Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years? Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through? There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.
Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me. It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough. Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others. After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner. Will we stand the test of time? I don't know. But we have gotten off to a good start.
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Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners. Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself. Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression? So far, I choose to live.
If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents. Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child. But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary. Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people. So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.
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At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life. Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems. It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems. Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.
Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time. I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring. But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left. There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago. Is it because I've gained some wisdom? Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow? Who knows? This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos. It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.
As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years. But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life. She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around. And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.
