It would have been my late wife's 70th birthday today

 

Above is a photo of my late wife.  She was a wonderful woman, but not without her flaws. She, like the building she was in, is long gone.  But why am I mentioning this here today?

- - - - - -

I've been widowed more than twice as long as I was married.  Little things such as the color of her eyes have become hard to remember.  Only other little things remain, such as she said the word "Nasty".  And yet, she has always remained a presence in my life - if only as a memory that connects me to being a young, immature adult.

My wife knew that I enjoyed wearing women's clothing.  But I never would dare going outside in such things.  She tolerated me more than anything else.  Yet, I wonder what she would think had she survived her cancer and lived to this day.  Would we have gotten divorced over this, or for other reasons.  (If so, it would likely be our lack of communications skills, and for resentments that built themselves up over time.)  Would she have embraced me, and encouraged me to become the trans woman I became?  (This is less likely, given that we would be Baby Boomers with all the prejudices absorbed during that era.)  Would I have been satisfied with her after another 10+ years?  Would the love still be there after all we would have gone through?  There are so many questions that can't be answered, as that time line never came to be.

Losing my wife at the age of 39 did one hell of a number on me.  It made me afraid of not having someone to cling to when times got rough.  Yet, I didn't have the emotional age to supply that support to others.  After she died, I ended up in a string of relationships over the next 25 years before finding my current partner.  Will we stand the test of time?  I don't know.  But we have gotten off to a good start.

- - - - - -

Being trans puts a crimp into finding romantic partners.  Aging puts a crimp into finding new friends. As an older trans person, I understand why many older trans people can get quite depressed - I've been a victim of depression myself.  Yet, I make the choice every day - do I get up and live, or do I give in to depression?  So far, I choose to live.

If my wife had lived, we'd likely have become poor parents.  Since she couldn't bear children, we'd have had to adopt a child.  But then, we'd have to move to a bigger place that we couldn't afford on my salary.  Could I have done better in my career and progressed further (with appropriate pay increases)? I'm not so sure, as I didn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a wide range of people.  So, I consider it lucky that we didn't have kids, as I don't think I'd have been able to raise them on my own.

- - - - - -

At this time of year, I often look backwards and examine where I have been and how I could have done better in life.  Recently, I realized something from childhood that I don't like - I used to look for the simple, brute force solution for problems.  It took me many years to look for subtle solutions to more complex problems.  Too bad that I didn't have this kind of insight earlier in life.

Yet, as I said in earlier posts, I now try to take life one day at a time.  I am concerned about the chaos our next president may bring.  But it is not triggering paralyzing fear, as it is now doing in many on the left.  There is a clarity I have now that I wouldn't have had a decade ago.  Is it because I've gained some wisdom?  Or, am I taking advantage of depression, and living life without a guarantee of a brighter tomorrow?  Who knows?  This doesn't mean that I can't get worked up when thinking about the possible chaos.  It only means that I'm choosing to maintain a healthy emotional distance from the potential chaos and not getting sucked into intense feelings when not needed.

As a trans person, I am concerned about what will happen over the next few years.  But, having lost a spouse, I have a better perspective on life.  She needed to be with someone with a cooler head than she had, and I now need to stay cool while chaos is all around.  And as long as I can, I'll try to keep posting here while I have something to say about the world we live in.

Thoughts about Gender Non-Conforming Travel

 

One of the things that a transgender person might like to do is travel.  However, when the name and image on one's legal identification does not match that expected for one's gender presentation, this can get a person into a lot of trouble.  There is still a lot of prejudice against us out there, and I have been a worry wart about going places where I might not be welcome.

- - - - - -

I live in a relatively liberal area of the United States.  Yet, there are many people who would hate me simply for being transgender.  The closer to coastal metropolitan areas one is in this country, the more likely it is that transgender people are accepted.  (This doesn't mean that we don't suffer due to societal prejudices.  It simply means that most people tend to respect our rights as human beings.)  The further away one gets, the less we are accepted and the more we are subject to discrimination (and worse). So, I have learned to be very careful about travel outside my region, as I could get killed if I am in the wrong region.

Now, I've been told that I would be relatively safe in the Dallas, TX area.  But I can't be sure of this.  So I will avoid seeing my friends in the Dallas area until I look more feminine than I currently do.  Yes, I'd love to meet my friend Stephanie again, but it will be much more difficult now that I have RQS in my life.  Kim (of Traveling Transgender) has had few problems with her interstate travel (from the Austin, TX area), flying across the country on her business trips.  Sadly for her, she doesn't travel as much anymore, and she no longer posts about her exploits.

When I had FCP as a cruise partner, I had the pleasure of beginning to cross national boundaries while in gender non-conforming presentation.  At first, I worried about how people would treat me on the cruise, and I found that there was nothing to worry about.  However, I didn't know how I'd be treated when I left the safety of the cruise ship and landed on foreign soil.  In Canada, I found that my rights were protected by law.  And on islands part of the EU (St. Martin), I had no problems as well.  Yet, I feared getting off the ship in places like St. Kitts, as they are hostile towards the LGBT community. So, I developed confidence in cruising, but realized that I had to do some research before getting off the ship at foreign ports.

Recently, I took a Hawaii cruise.  And this time, I heard the dreaded "S" word, instead of the welcomed "Ma'am".  This was not true in most cases.  But it was true where my ID came into use - such as at the airport.  Yet, people took my dress in stride, and treated me with respect.  Did this mean that my biological gender was not an issue?  Who knows?  But I had no problems with gender presentation on my last trip.

But what about future trips?

I am thinking of taking at least one of the following cruises next year:

1. Panama Canal, with stops in several Latin American countries, including Columbia.
2. Norway (and Iceland?), with routes within the EU and also Great Britain.

The stops on the first cruise concern me, as I need to do research before deciding to travel in Marian mode.  Are my rights protected in Mexico, Costa Rica, Guatemala, Panama, Columbia and other countries along the way?  Since Cartagena is a port that I want to visit, I need to know this as soon as possible.  Although I've reached out to Rhonda (of Rhonda's Escape), I've yet to hear from her about documentation she used in her travels.  Hopefully, I will be able to get more information from more sources regarding transgender travel to these ports, so that I can be safe when I make this trip.

In the future, I hope to do more and more of my travel as Marian - even if I have to preserve my Mario identity for purposes I've discussed elsewhere.  But to do so, I'll need more information, and I will document what I find out in this blog to make travel easier for the transgender people who follow me.