Someone in one of my meetup groups passed away - a quick post.

 

 
The other day, someone from one of my meetup groups passed away.  The only reason I know this is a weekend meetup being held to celebrate this man's life.

- - - - - -

I always felt it strange that this fellow wanted his picture taken with me when we attended the same FTF meetup.  Was he interested in dating me?  Who knows?  If I were interested in dating men, he might have been on my radar, as I'm told that he was a sweet person.  Luckily, I met RQS at the beginning of last year, and I didn't have to tell him that I wasn't available to date, nor did I have to reveal to him that I am trans.

Although I would have liked to be able to find out how he died and to attend his memorial, I have a higher priority in my life - RQS.  Assuming that I'm able to attend a mid-week meetup with this group, I will ask the leader about how he died, and whether it was expected.  Until then, I will accept that there are some things I am not meant to know right now - and leave it at that.

Meetups

 

The above picture is from last year's FTF Prom Meetup.  It's a good group to hang out with, but one from which I am drifting away.  Lately, my weekends are filled with time spent with RQS.  And that's a good thing.  Unlike my previous relationship, RQS is comfortable with me as Marian, though she prefers to see Mario.  This is not a problem for me, as we are learning where each other's limits are in this and other areas of life.

Although I will still go to Yonkers game nights, my heart isn't in the games anymore.  Instead, my heart is into being with people who accept me for who and what I am.  Other meetup groups have mostly fallen by the wayside, as I don't have the interest in spending that much time in these groups, nor do I have the need to use meetups as a way of being with people.

- - - - - -

Tonight, I attended a small meetup at a local craft brewery which held a few games of bingo hosted by a drag queen.  It was interesting to hear the Queen mention an old, now closed, gay bar - "It's been a long while since I've seen you at the B Lounge."  That's one person who had me pegged.  But I had a good time, even though I still have to deal with issues related to buying a new car, getting all parts of Medicare insurance set up (A, B, D, & G), and getting my laundry done before RQS comes here for the weekend.  Will I go to tomorrow's food truck meetup?  Maybe.  But I need to have everything ready to go for laundry to make that happen....

One woman says I passed the test of femininity.

 

Somehow, I feel proud about what happened today.  I passed a test of femininity while presenting as a female. But first....

- - - - -

The other day, I was told that I've been given the authority to sign checks for my co-op.  However, it is a responsibility I didn't ask for, and almost blew off.  (I couldn't find the original email telling me who to ask for, and I had a case of the "fuck its" until I checked information in my online calendar.  At that point, I knew I wouldn't make it to have lunch with Vicki, and rescheduled our get together for a mid afternoon get together at Starbucks.  This was just as well, as the bank officer wasn't able to speak with me until 1:30, and I'd feel guilty telling Vicki that I screwed up after she left home.

At 1:30, I finally met with the bank officer, and we took care of the co-op account paperwork.  However, I had an issue of my own - I wanted to get the limit on one of my cards increased so that I could pay for my Hawaii cruise with a single charge on a single card.  Instead of shifting available credit balances from one card to another, he suggested that I open up a new account which more than doubled the credit available to me and gave me a $250 bonus for charging $500 to the new card within 3 months.  Of course, I expected to charge $9,000 on the card, so I would likely net almost $400 for opening up the account.  There is one potential issue - this may get in the way of me getting a good rate when I buy a car.  But more on that issue later.

Once done with the bank, I drove home and changed into Marian mode, wearing my new wig.  Vicki said that this wig looks better than my old wig as it better covers my chin bones.  She also apologized for going off on me at our last get together.  And I made a comment about FCP and XGFJ.  She agrees with me on how I interpret things, and said that I did the right thing by saying nothing.

After I left Vicki in Yorktown, it was off to the store to pick up a dessert for my meetup. With dessert in hand, I drove to Milford via the back roads - the turnpike was backed up (as usual). Like last time I was there, showers were in the forecast, and it drizzled a little throughout the party.  So, I sat down inside and read some email.  I found out that an auto dealer was willing to accept MSRP on a sedan, and $1500 over MSRP on the SUV.  So I now have a serious decision to make about buying a car.  While reading my emails, a woman came into the room and asked me if she minded if she changed her top into something warmer.  I shut the front door, and made sure no one came in while she was changing.  About the only thing I could see was her bra.  But she would not have let me see that if she thought I was a male.  RQS said that I passed the female test - women are now accepting me as a woman, albeit a tall, fat, and homely one. And that's fine with me.  I'd have gotten no excitement had she been braless and I had seen her breasts.  When presenting as Marian, I am reacting more and more like a cisgender women than I'd have thought years ago.

What would be going through your mind had you been in my position?

Brunch with the Fun Time Friends

 

 

There were two things on the docket for today: 

• Brunch with the FTF's in Connecticut
• Dinner and a Concert in Tarrytown with Vicki
  

Both of them would have me attending as Marian.  Yet, if I had my druthers on this dreary day, I'd have stayed at home and in bed.

- - - - - 

Although I was awake before the alarms rang, I still needed them to get moving.  In a rush, I ended up putting on my makeup outside my normal sequence. And this delayed my departure, as I had do triple check that my presentation was on target.  When one has a masculine body, one has to make sure that as many signs of masculinity have been disguised, and that as many signs of femininity are displayed. For the most part, I think I do tolerably well as presenting as a large size woman.

After an hour and a quarter of driving in the rain, I made it to the meetup and had a nice brunch.  The seafood pot pie was large, and well worth the price that the restaurant charged.  However, I had two meals out scheduled for the day, and should have chosen the salad for the first meal.  But I didn't know this at the time.

When the meal was over, I drove home, talking to a new woman from OK Cupid.  She's a widow, and located on Long Island.  Given our mutual schedules, we probably won't be seeing each other until the second week of January.

- - - - - -

Around 5:30, Vicki came over, and we drove to Tarrytown for dinner, then went to the Music Hall (a theater) around the corner to see K.T.Turnstall and Martin Sexton perform.  When we got to the theater, we were directed to a pair of orchestra level seats that Vicki found unacceptable - she ordered a pair of seats on the aisle, not in the middle of the row. When people were directed to our seats, we knew we had a problem.  So we ended up (after a discussion) being told that our seats were on the balcony level.  And again, the seats were not what Vicki thought we were getting. So, again, it was a trek to find someone who could help us.  This time, our seats were exchanged for two seats in the orchestra section, closer to the stage than before. But we had the aisle seats that Vicki wanted.

We both enjoyed the concert.  Yet, we were both glad when it ended - it was a long day for both of us. So, I dropped her off at her car, and I did the most feminine thing I could think of - take off my bra, and get into something comfortable....

 

 

 

One step forward and two steps back.

 

Although my company has been around for a while, it became another corporate poker chip in the game of "business line poker."  The more they try to do good by the employees, the more they make mistakes in doing so.

- - - - - -

The first example of trying to do the right thing was a pre Thanksgiving pot luck lunch to help build team morale.  But asking people to spend time and money to help with this event was a big mistake.  Many of these low wage employees don't have any excess money to spend on this event, nor do they have the time to do the cooking in advance.  So after a few days, management started putting up signs saying that the pot luck lunch was cancelled.

Next came the mandatory attendance for the new 401k plan.  Although its provides for a better match for employee contributions (50% of an employee's contribution up to 3% of the employee's salary for the pay period), the company chosen to provide the funds is a high expense fund provider.  The old plan put money into Vanguard funds.  The new plan uses Fidelity.  Needless to say, when the only choices are Lifecycle Target Date plans, the fund management company effectively double dips into the load pool.  To make things worse, the company match isn't fully vested until one has been there for 3 years.  I plan to be retired by then.  So it makes more sense for me to open up a Roth IRA with Vanguard.

As I would describe things at the office - two steps forward and one step back.

- - - - - -

After I left the office, I went to a meetup of the FTF's in Fairfield, CT.  Although it took over an hour to drive there, it was worth the drive to be having dinner with friendly faces again.  No, it's not like the group I used to attend in the Hudson Valley - I'll take whatever camaraderie I can get these days.  But I can't help but think that I would have been in a better position 3 years ago in the Hudson Valley,  had I known to deal with issues with the ex-girlfriend and with my former cruise partner at that time.

But I'm not going to dwell upon the past.  I've talked about it more than enough, and I'm doing better than I should be doing after last year's disasters.  And that's something to be grateful for.

A night at the prom

 

 

 

As you can see, I stand out from average sized women.  But I'm accepted in my presentation.  It's a nice feeling to know that one can be accepted for who she is inside.  But this may also be a reflection of my personality as Marian, as Vicki has noted that I am much more at home as Marian than I am being Mario.

 

I'd love to have two people no longer in my life to see the above picture taken at the FTF meetup group's 2021 Prom.  Even better, I'd have loved for one of them to be at this meetup.  No, it's not to impose Marian on this person.  Instead, it's to show this person that there is nothing to be embarrassed about in being with me. 

 

You'll notice that I am in the back of this picture of the women from the FTF meetup group.  The caption on the website labels us the women of the prom, plus one photo bomber.  At one time later on, several of the women got me up and dancing.  Even more fun, one fellow took me to dance with him shortly after this picture was taken.  (No, my gender preference hasn't changed.  But it was fun to have a man treat me as a woman.)  

Although I didn't bother to correct this picture for the background light, you can easily see that my "friend" wanted another picture of me with him.  And I gladly complied.  There was one thought in the back of my mind that I made sure to not act on.  It would have been a fun picture to have taken with me kissing him by surprise.  But several bad things could have come of it, so I let this innocuous shot be taken.

It was a fun evening, and I hope to do this again next year.

Dinner with the Fun Time Friends

This is not the normal way I enjoy Sake.  However, when a Hibachi chef is squirting it into your mouth, why say "No?"  The Fun Time Friends meetup was in full force tonight, and it was Marian's time to shine.

- - - - - -

My original plans for the day were to go to work, drive home, take 15 minutes to change, then drive to the meetup.  I thought better of it when I remembered that I'd be driving during rush hour, and that a 60 minute drive in off hours would take 90+ minutes during rush hour.  So I started off from my office and was making great time until I reached Stamford - and then the problems began.  First, Google Maps routed me from the Merritt Parkway to I-95.  And then, when I reached the Sherwood Island connector, Maps routed me (and several other people) along some nice side roads to bypass the traffic jam.  Unfortunately, Maps had to put us back on I-95.  But I was a little lucky.  I was able to pull off into a rest area, and then make myself presentable for dinner.

Eventually, I arrived at the meetup, and most of the bunch were early.  At least, this time, I was able to sit with the group's organizer (when she was sitting down at the table).  The organizer doesn't know how good she looks.  Nor, does she know that Mario has seen her personal ad.  It would be a hoot if she swiped right, not knowing that she already has met me in Marian Mode, as had CMF.  A little bit later, the fellow who always wants a picture with me got his picture, and I was free to chat with the two ladies sitting next to me.

- - - - - -

Once dinner was done, I tried to call FH.  Her fax line came on.  About 20 minutes later, she called me - and we were chatting until the line cut out.  However, she got pissed at me because (1) I didn't call back right away, and (2) that she had to call me 20 minutes later.  Who knows what her mood will be when I see her this weekend....

Later on, when I got home, I took some pictures of my SoClean CPAP disinfecting unit.  Seems like a piece of plastic broke, and the lid won't stay shut.  (My workaround is to put a weight on top of the lid.  But I shouldn't have to do this.)  So I wrote to customer support, sending in pictures, and stating that a product shouldn't break after a year's use.  Hopefully, they will agree with me and work with me to get this problem resolved.

 

 

PS: It took several days for SoClean to get back to me.  They asked me for information to see if my unit was under warranty, and told me NOT to use the unit as it might leak ozone.  With a weight on top of the lid, there is no risk of an ozone leak.  And I thought that it would make some sense to use a Velcro strip to hold the lid down if I don't want to use a weight on top of the lid.

So I will continue using the unit AND pressure them for a replacement if I need to do so.  However, if I don't get a replacement unit, I will pester the CEO of the firm a little, so that s/he knows I am a very unhappy customer.

On Easter, some people must be blind

The above picture was taken on Easter, when I drove an hour to get together with the Fun Time Friends.  The fellow in the picture went out of his way to get another picture taken with me.  I wonder what he sees, and I wonder what's on his mind.  But, if he were to invite me out, I'll politely decline.  I'll make up some story about seeing some gentleman near me that I've known from childhood, and hope that he backs off.

- - - - - -

This is the first time that I've looked into a picture taken by someone else and started to see something resembling a feminine form.  The more I live a good deal of my life as a woman, the more that I'll experience both the good and bad sides of what cisgender women experience every day.  Sometimes, it can be something as simple as having to wait for a restroom stall to free up.  And at other times, it may be something as risky as having to be on a poorly lit street waiting for a bus to come by.  There are so many good and bad scenarios I can think of, that I won't even try to make a list of them here.

One thing I can say when I look at my face in the picture is that this is the face of a confident woman. In a sense, I can understand why the ex girlfriend broke up the relationship - she was afraid of what this path of life would do to me.  When given a choice between courage and fear, I chose courage while she chose fear.  But enough of her already, as I mention her only in passing.

Does the above picture of me show someone who can exude confidence?  I'm not sure, but it is the picture of a person who hasn't yet developed her own style.  Over the past 8 years, I know what I want to look like when I go out the door, and I know what I need to look like to blend in with other women.  Yes, I've made a hell of a lot of mistakes to get to where I am in life.  But, in certain ways, I feel better now than I did a decade ago.  (This is not true in all areas of my life.  It is my growth as Marian that is helping to give Mario reasons to have hope.)

As I like to say, when the Easter Bunny brings you some eggs, make sure that you ask:

Chicken Eggs or Cadbury Eggs?

And then act accordingly....

 

A day I could sleep late

 

 

 

This was a day where I had the option of getting up late, and I took advantage of it.  Originally, FH and I were supposed to out for a nice dinner at the Milleridge Inn on Long Island,but her stomach was feeling a little queasy, so we made other plans for the evening.  However, I'll be picking up dinner on the way down, as well as stopping at the pharmacy to pick up some meds for FH.

Every little thing conspired to add time to the front end of my day, and I took advantage of it by doing laundry shortly after I got up - around 11 am.  This frees up some time tomorrow, so that I can go to an Easter Dinner with the FTF Meetup group in Connecticut without worrying about having to do laundry when I get home.  

 

This is the second week in a row that FH has not been feeling well.  Last week, her GI Tract was forcing her to stay near a rest room all the time we were at Wegmans.  Today, she was getting over another problem which may have been related to food poisoning the night before.  Normally, I wouldn't think this an issue.  But TCL planted a tickler that hasn't yet gotten out of my mind.  Could she be looking for an opening to start looking for someone "better"?  If so, then I hope she drops the hammer sooner than later, as this will free up my Saturdays for other activities.

 

If FH weren't in the picture for this evening, I'd likely have gone for a walk on the Harlem Valley Rail Trail.  It would have been a perfect day to have gone out for a walk.  I wasn't going to drive 60+ miles North, then drive another 100+ miles South for an evening date.  Could I have done something local?  Yes, but I relished my sleep.  So, if the weather is good tomorrow morning, I might do something along the Putnam Rail Trail before showering, shaving, etc. to make myself look good for the FTF meetup to be held later that day.

One thing I know about tomorrow: Most of the day will be spent as Marian.  And that's a good thing.  I should be able to do my nails again before dinner, and look as pretty as possible when I see these people for the first time in months.

 

A question came to mind: Do I mind presenting as Mario?  The answer is no, but it's because I'm making a trade off when I do so.  I wouldn't give up being Marian part time.  But I'd retain the ability to be Mario part time if it meant I could have a healthy romantic life.  Last night, I had to strip off my nail polish for tonight's evening with FH.  And I didn't mind doing this to be with her.  I just wonder what's going on in her head....

A highlight of the week

It's been a while since I went to a meetup with the Fun Time Friends.  But this week, I finally was able to go.  And the headache of getting there was worth it....

Normally, I try to set a distance limit for meetups that I only drive an hour or so to get to a meetup.  However, once I reached Connecticut, traffic stopped moving. And what should have been a 70 minute trip became a 100 minute trip.  Since it was too late for me to cancel dinner with the group, I texted the hostess to let her know I was going to be late.  Although I was about 30 minutes late, this was not a problem, as people were still arriving for Milford's Restaurant Week dinners....

Unfortunately, I was not able to sit at the hostess's table.  But I can't complain, as I was able to sit with the great group of ladies in the picture above.  It was nice to feel acceptance as Marian again. People who do not know me treat me as an oversized lady.

- - - - - -

On the way home, I chatted with FL.  She's been dealing with a low grade bug for most of the week, and she had to cancel getting together on Saturday.  This is not a problem, as I am usually sleep deprived at the end of the week, and I need rest.

There's a part of me that can't wait for my census job to end.  As much as I can use the money from the job, I'm tired of this schedule. As much as I'm tired of the schedule, I'll both miss having a reason to get up in the morning AND having a place with good people who I meet on a regular basis.  When the census finally ends, I'll be able to do things with FL during the week - a benefit to having the census end.  My big question is - Is FL too good to be real?  She's making an effort to enjoy me in Marian mode, and liked the thought of going away with me in Marian mode.  Is she trying too hard to have a relationship?  If so, why?  It seems like there should be a red flag somewhere....

- - - - - -

Not much else to say.  More next time.

Opening the books on a new year

The new year came, and I'm glad that 2019 is now behind me. Having lost two of my best friends, I am now forced to rebuild a social network. I no longer have someone I can call at any time of day when I need someone to talk with.  This is the great loss I want to put behind me once and for all.

- - - - - -

Last night, I made a hard decision.  Do I go to the FTF meetup in New Fairfield?  Or, do I go to a special game night in Yonkers?  After some hemming and hawing, I chose game night. This was the wise decision.  Instead of being in an unfamiliar place where I didn't know anyone that well, I was in a familiar place where I was familiar with everyone. I was closer to my comfort zone, and was able to enjoy myself before driving home around 12:30 or so.

When I got home, I scheduled an email to be sent to GFJ sometime tonight.  The gist of the email is an apology and a goodbye.  I don't expect to hear from her again, so I'm letting her know that I have disconnected from her as well.  It's better that I take the time to process my grief than to dwell in past hopes that never could have been. 

- - - - - -

With the emotional maelstrom I've been dealing with for the past 3 months, I was annoyed to receive an angry email from my former cruise partner.  Thinking about things, there could be only one reason she sent it - she doesn't know how to stop feeding her anger.  After having someone like me to talk with for years, it must hurt to have no one close to confide in.  Couple this with me talking more about her than she really wanted me to talk about her in the old blog, and feelings of betrayal must make things hurt even more.

In the past, this woman told me that she was looking for a "Soul Mate".  I only looked for a "Life Partner".  There are big differences between soul mate and life partner.  Without that "someone" to fill the holes in her life, she will always feel incomplete.  Contrast this with GFJ and myself. Both of us felt reasonably complete in ourselves, wanted to share of ourselves, but didn't need each other to be whole in ourselves. Hopefully, my former cruise partner will discover something which helps her feel more whole in her life.  If so, she may be able to deal with her anger, let it drain away over time, and maybe find some true love in the process....

- - - - - -            - - - - - -            - - - - - -

I awoke on New Year's Day with nothing special to do, no one special to see.  All my New Year's greetings were exchanged the night before with nothing left over for today.  Although I could always drive down to see my dad, did I want to do so for 15-30 minutes worth of a visit?  Maybe next weekend.  Did I want to go see a movie?  Maybe.  I'd have to think about it.  But to start off my day, I chose to watch my morning TV show and to catch up on my blog reading.

It's gotten to the point where my default presentation for going out in the world is as Marian. Yet, I'm still comfortable going out as Mario. And I'd have stayed that way if GFJ had stayed in the picture.  If I'm doing anything requiring heavy activity, that requires me breaking a sweat, that will likely have me presenting as Mario.  Unless I looked more authentic as Marian, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing things like going on a hike, cleaning up the kitchen, etc. this way. I'll be stuck living life in both genders for now, unless I go for FFS surgery.  And I don't see this happening anytime soon.  (First, I'd want to find out about hair transplants to give me a more normal looking head.)  It'll be more important for me to develop my social network than to move further along this transition path.

- - - - - -

Politics is still the depressing it was last year.  Given how our president's policies have hurt the transgender community, I can only hope that a better person wins on Election Day.  Even if I wanted to work for one candidate this year, being with the census bureau will nip that in the bud.  The only political action I can participate in is to vote on Election Day.  And that's fine with me.  So don't expect me to say much here for the next few months, other than how I see issues framed.  Direct public support of any candidate will likely be against the rules for employees of the bureau.

Like many of us, I've begun to cringe whenever I hear our president speak.  It's hard to watch the news these days, because the underlying tone is much worse than I could have expected 4 years ago.  I'm not alone in thinking that 4 more years of this man in power will be a total disaster. When people other than myself are comparing this man's actions to those of a Central European Leader of the 1930's, it is easy to be frightened.  I fear the ultimate endpoint if we keep going down his path.

As I'm writing this, none of us know what will happen with the presidential impeachment.  It has yet to be delivered to the Senate.  I have a strong feeling that it will never be delivered to the upper chamber.  Why should Pelosi bother giving Trump a chance to say that he has been exonerated?  It's better for her to let him say she's chicken.  The longer the impeachment is in stasis, the more likely it is for the House to find and expose evidence that will hurt the GOP in the next election. Unless the Senate trial allows specific witnesses to be called AND has a secret ballot, the conclusion is a forgone conclusion - the Senate would acquit the president.  Why should she make the Democrats look like fools for being forced into voting yes on articles of impeachment?

- - - - - -

Later this year, I plan to go to a financial planner for a financial checkup.  For the most part, I feel that I am doing reasonably well.  Yet, I could have done better had I had my current wisdom when I was young.  Neither my niece nor my nephew will do as well as I have done. Neither of them has been able to save any money yet, and it will only get worse when they are in a position to raise children.  If there is any advice that should be given to a 20-30 year old person, the advice would be simple - skimp on luxuries and save as much as possible for your future retirement.  The formulas show that if a person saves "X" dollars per year between ages 20 and 30 then stops contributions, that person will have more money than if that person started putting away the same "X" dollars per year from ages 30 to 65.  Sadly, I can't give my younger self this advice.  But I can still advise my niece and nephew to save as much as possible, and explain why to them.

Luckily, I'm in a better position than last year regarding taxes.  I'll have paid all the money I expect to owe the government, and I will have lower estimates for this year.  However, I don't know how much of an income bump I'll have this year due to the temporary job.  Nor do I know what that will force me to pay in estimated taxes one year later.  So I plan to save half the after tax money I make from the temporary job and reserve it for taxes.

- - - - - -

Given that I had nothing to do during the day, I decided to rest in bed.  I won't have this luxury much longer.  But while I do, I'm going to take advantage of it.  If I'm in the mood later on, I'll start tearing apart the corners of my room to figure out where I put things AND to find more stuff amidst all the clutter that I can throw out. 

A pre-holiday night out with the Fun Time Friends

As I write this, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I couldn't help but think that I should rework the opening to Clement Clark Moore's famous poem as follows:

'Twas the second night before Christmas,
And through the Ale House,
Many creatures were stirring,
Including a spouse (or two).

I'll bet that the poet would be aghast if he could see what I've done to the poem.  But it fits the main theme of the day - a pre-holiday visit to the Orange Ale House to share a few drinks with the FTF meetup group, and enjoy some free bar food.

- - - - - -

The day opened with me noticing something about a meetup I signed up for.  I had planned to get together with a new group (for me) and found out that GFJ had just signed up for the same wait list. Since GFJ and I had an agreement that I would not show up as Marian at a meetup she would be attending, I promptly took my name off the wait list.  Later on, I sent a message to GFJ about this, and didn't have the chance to talk about this because her kids were in for the holiday.  (The last thing she needs is for them to find about me being both Mario and Marian.)  So we will probably need to develop new guidelines for meetups that we are both interested in. 

Around 2:00, I started to get ready to go to the Fun Time Friends meetup in Orange, CT.  I had figured that I'd get there a little early, and then boogie over to Catherine's for some last minute pre-holiday browsing.  That was not to happen as planned.  I left Croton at 3:00, and it took the better part of 2 hours to make it to the meetup on time.  While driving, I chatted with GFJ.  But one of her sons was nearby, so I couldn't chat about the topic I wanted to talk about.  So we chatted about some meaningless pleasantries and I wished her the best for her next couple of days in Connecticut with her family.

When I arrived at the meetup, I was the first person there.  Luckily, I met another meetup member and we shared the far end of the table in the picture above.  It was too noisy to have a meaningful conversation. But we tried to do so as the regular meetup gang ambled in. Eventually, I got the chance to chat with the Meetup organizer for a minute or two.  Yet, the noise level in the place got to me.  So I decided to leave around 6:30 and go home.

The drive home was uneventful.  However, the two beers and the bar food started to induce a little drowsiness in me.  The last thing I wanted to do was have an accident.  So I stopped for a while to spike my energy level in order to make it home safely.  And once I made it home, I crashed on my bed for a few hours before starting this entry.

Today was to be my last day doing a volunteer stint

Over the past year or two, I've been an irregular volunteer for both of the places for which I help out.  My weekend schedule had gotten in the way of me attending many Arts Westchester events. And my declining interest got in the way of helping out at the LGBT Center.  I needed something to motivate me to get up and out on a daily basis, and that involved both a sense of purpose and a desire to earn money. 

Since it looks like I'll soon be working at the Census bureau, I doubt that I will have any free time to do any volunteering for a while.  And this is just as well - I needed a break from my old routine, as I was getting more and more inclined to stay indoors all day.  This is not a healthy thing to do, as evidenced by my dad's former home life before moving into the nursing home.

- - - - - -

By the time I got moving, it was late in the afternoon, and I didn't have the time to do a volunteer stint AND make it to the Fun Time Friends meetup in Wilton, CT.  So I sent an email to the LGBT Center's volunteer coordinator to tell him that I'd either be in tomorrow or on Monday.

When I finally made it out of the house, it was a bit late for me to make it on time.  There was no way that I was going to take Route 95 from here, as rush hour traffic would slow things to a crawl.  Instead, I took the roads to the venue and made it to dinner only a few minutes late. 

Arriving at the venue, I sat down next to the organizer and we had a great time.  There was one woman there who could have been my sister, and she recognized me as well.  This is a very friendly bunch of people - possibly more so than the folks in Beacon.  (Just don't tell the Beacon folks that....)  While chatting with the organizer, I found that she had an interest in visiting Chinatown in the Spring.  So I suggested we do so when it's convenient for her - and we may do that when the weather gets warmer.  I could use as many friends as possible who know me as Marian, and not as Mario.  It would be nice to add a "sane" friend to my address book.

- - - - - -

Earlier in the day, GFJ called me on her way home from Baltimore.  While on the call, she had to hang up, telling me to call back when I was on the road to the meetup.  I did just that, and didn't get an answer.  Could the problem have been to a nationwide problem with Verizon Wireless?  Who knows?  When I tried to reach her on the way home from my meetup, there was also no answer for me.  Since Facebook Messenger shows her as inactive, all I can think is that she has a problem with her phone connecting to the outside world.  Hopefully, she made it to her meetup OK....

A quick stop at Arts Westchester, then off to a meetup in the rain

I feel that I photograph terribly.  No wonder why one of my ex girlfriends never wanted pictures taken of her.  Luckily, I have a couple of photos of her to remember the time we spent together.  However, I doubt that we'll ever bump into each other again.

- - - - - -

Just as I was about to leave for Arts Westchester, I heard two men working in the apartment downstairs from me.  From appearances, the two young people and child that occupied the apartment for 6 months did some damage to the place as they left, also leaving unwanted furniture behind.  Already in female presentation, I walked into the place and started to take pictures until I was asked to leave.  But there are some issues that will need to be taken care of before anyone moves into the apartment.

You'll note that the deck has rotted away.  We have a program to replace all failing wooden decks with more durable material.  However, with no one living in the apartment, there is no one who would complain about this safety hazard.  Therefore, I intend to report this to the co-op board for further action.

Here, you'll note that the glass has a crack, and the window will need to be replaced.  If we get extreme weather, it is possible that the window will fail, allowing outside elements to get into the apartment, causing damage to the building.

And finally, you'll note that the wires to the thermostat have been disconnected.  The light switch below it looks like an amateur installation, not being done by a licensed electrician.  Unfortunately, I did not get the chance to examine things further, as I was asked to leave after taking these pictures.

- - - - - -

I got to Arts Westchester just as the monthly meeting was ending.  Since my only reason to go there today was to drop off a review of the performance of the Westchester Collaborative Theater, I accomplished what I needed to take care of.  After a quick stop at Barnes and Noble for a cup of coffee, I decided to drive to Catherine's to see if I could pick up a second sweater. 

Driving along Route 95 wasn't too bad until I got to Stamford. And from there, it was one long traffic jam to the suburbs of New Haven.  I entered Catherine's while the two employees were taking their dinner break, telling them that they didn't have to stop their meal while I was in the store.  Looking around, I didn't find much that I was really interested in without discounts (I forgot my discount coupon at home - aargh!) other than the sweater I was looking for.  So I put the sweater on the counter and continued my browsing.  When I meandered over to the bras (there were two there that I should have bought while they were half off) the saleslady asked me if I wanted a bra fitting.  (I guess I passed well enough today to be taken as a cis female.)  I declined, but made sure to chat with her for a while before buying the sweater.

- - - - - -

Once done there, it was back to Norwalk for dinner.  While in transit, I stopped by a Mobil station for gas.  I mention the brand and the pit stop because I had problems paying for gas on the way to Catherine's.  When I selected "Pump 3", the phone app mistakenly opened up the pump on the other side of the highway and not my pump. (The location said Route 95 Southbound, where I was at a Northbound pump.) So I cancelled the transaction, and proceeded to drive to the store.  On the way back, I decided to buy gas at the Southbound pump - and everything worked correctly. 

Although I expected to be late for dinner, I was only a few minutes late.  Luckily, I saw the organizer of the meetup at the bar, and she told me where the group was sitting.  It was a smaller group today, but we were able to have better conversations.  All too soon, dinner had to end and I had to make the drive home. 

At least, I made it home safe, after driving on roads which I don't like driving on following heavy rains.

Stepping Stones

When I first tried to enter the workforce years ago, I encountered a problem common to many young people.  In order to get a job, I first needed to have a job.  Now that I'm an older person, I have that same problem again.  It would be much easier for me to find work if I were already employed.  Well, it looks like this problem may soon have a resolution. 

- - - - - -

My alarms woke me up at 8:30, and brought me to full consciousness by 9:00. My TV was turned to my usual channel, and my favorite courtroom drama was playing when I got another call from the Census Bureau.  This time, they were calling me about the IT position that I really was looking for when I filed paperwork with them.  So when my TV show ended, I returned the call and now I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, I'll get an offer before I'd have to start the other position mentioned in an earlier entry. 

Even though the Census positions are temporary, they would be stepping stones I could use to find work outside of government.  Of course, I'd want to socially transition while on the job, so that I could interview as Marian and leave Mario behind when looking for work. So, I won't get too far ahead of myself.  Instead, I'll hold off from scheduling my planned cruise and assume that 2020 will be a year without a vacation for me.

Once I was done with the Census Bureau, I looked at today's weather forecast.  There was no way that I was going to go to today's Arts Westchester meeting, and even much less of a chance that I'd go to today's Fun Time Friends meetup.  (Note: By mid morning, I received an email from Arts Westchester's volunteer coordinator that the meeting was rescheduled for next week.) This freed up my day, and allowed it to be a Jammie Day.  And then, I received a text from SWD saying that she couldn't make lunch today.  Well, the expected snow became a fortunate coincidence, as I had our lunch scheduled for Wednesday.  I'd have hated to have crossed signals with her.  So we rescheduled our lunch for 2 1/2 weeks from now.

- - - - - -

Around 1:00 pm, the weather forecast predicted that 6" to 12" of snow would fall in my area. There was no way that I'd go out in this weather.  Instead, I decided to stay in and take care of things that I could take care of indoors - and prepare to get up early tomorrow to clean off my car AND to go to the interview that I scheduled before paying attention to the weather report.

I don't know how I woke up without the alarm, but it was worth the effort to get out early.

It's always hard to get an oil change at Mavis these days.  The place is usually very busy, and that means business like mine gets pushed to the side to accommodate more profitable efforts, such as selling tires.  But if you get to the shop early enough, you can usually get in and out of the place before 10 am.  Instead of a trip for minor service costing me $500 at the dealership, my car can get what it needs for under $200.  And when one is living on a fixed income, the $300 is better in my pocket than in the dealership's till.

- - - - - -

Last night, I knew that I had to wake up early the following morning.  So I went to bed around 1 am, started the "white noise" maker, put on my CPAP mask, and readied myself for a few hours of sleep.  While I was semiconscious, my phone rang.  Seems that RO accidentally dialed me, and killed the call as soon as she started it.  But that didn't keep me alert for long, as I passed out again shortly afterwards.

When I got up, it was a couple of minutes before 7.  So I turned off all my alarms, took my shower, and went out the door as Mario.  I arrived at Mavis at 8, and asked them to look at my front end when they did the oil change and rotated the tires.  I was right, when I hit the curb last Thursday, I knocked the front end a little out of alignment.  So I was glad I got this taken care of before I ruined my tires by uneven tread wear. About $160 later, my car was ready, and I was ready to drive home.  So back to Croton I drove, and back to bed I went for a little while to try and catch up on a few Z's I missed the night before.

- - - - - -

Of course, with the coffee I consumed earlier, I didn't have a chance to catch those Z's.  Instead, I took care of a couple of little things around the house and took it easy for a while. But then, I realized that I may have an interesting set of schedule conflicts.  Either I will need to cancel my attendance at a FTF Meetup dinner or cancel my attendance at a Beacon Meetup dinner due to a dinner engagement with RO.  It'll be nice to be able to see her again this year, as she had some good news to share - her daughter is finally getting married!  YAY!

But I digress a little....

Around 5:00, I started to get ready for tonight's meetup by changing into my female presentation.  It took a little longer than expected for me to get out the door, and I barely made it in time to the Meetup's restaurant.  The usual gang was there, but I couldn't sit at the table I wanted to be at - the last 3 seats had already been taken, so I ended up at another table with other people I don't get the chance to speak with that often.

Originally, I figured that I would order a small dish and get out of the place for $25 or so.  Instead, I ordered the prix fixe 3 course dinner, and ended up spending roughly $50.  (I was glad I took a $50 bill with me, as it made it possible for me to leave a nice tip without going overboard.)  Of course, I fluttered between our 3 tables, chatting with people I wanted to chat with.  However, I didn't chat with all the people I wanted to chat with - the appetizers and main course came while in the middle of chats with friends.  (At least, I'll get to chat with these people the week after Thanksgiving.)

All too soon, the evening had to end.  So it was on with my coat, and back down to Croton and home. Although I can't keep up spending money at this rate without cracking open my 401k, I'm roughly where I expected to be today.  Hopefully, one of the jobs I'm applying for will come though, and I'll be able to stop the short term drain on my savings account.

A rainy day, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out again.

I decided to try and get an oil change, but to no avail.  The cars were double parked inside of Mavis's parking lot.  If I really want to get the tire rotation and oil change I need at a reasonable price, I'll have to go very early tomorrow morning.

- - - - - -

Last night, I didn't start trying to go to sleep until 2 am or so.  And it seemed to take forever for me to fall out.  But when I finally woke up, I had blown through 2 alarms, only waking up for a 10 am alarm I had set.  This meant that it was going to take some time for me to get moving, and I stayed in the comfort of a warm blanket as long as possible. Eventually, I was up and out of the house around 1 pm, and saw that there was no chance for me to get the oil change I need.  So I ended up picking up lunch at the local Mickey D's, then drove home for a while.

Around 4 pm, I looked out the window, and saw that it was raining.  Did I really want to drive to Connecticut?  I wasn't sure.  But I still had a couple of things to take care of.  First, I had received a "Canvas Letter" from NYS asking me to express my interest in a position across the river from me.  So I ran off a copy of my resume, and enclosed it with a signed copy of the letter, and returned it to Albany to be considered for the position.  Then, I found that my printer had run out of ink.  So, in addition to the Dermablend foundation I needed to buy, I also needed to buy a new ink cartridge for the printer.

I left my apartment around 5:30, which should have given me enough time to make it to the meetup in Norwalk.  Luckily, I allocated the extra 15 minutes, as there was a major backup on Route 95 that I was able to avoid by taking the Merritt.  And I got to the restaurant at the same time that the hostess was arriving.  Instead of sitting down at our table, we realized that "Happy Hour" ended at 7, and that we could still get a discounted drink at the bar.  So we placed our drink orders, had the bartender take the picture above, and then brought our drinks to the table.  From there, most of us partook of Monday's $6 burger night.  YUM!

All too soon, it was time to depart.  The drive home was less of a headache than the drive to the meetup - there was no rush hour start and stops.  However, the rain did get in the way of enjoying the drive, as I had to be much more alert than I usually would be. So I was very glad that I didn't take full advantage of Happy Hour....

Sometimes, I even go to church.

It's hard to believe, but this was the second week in a row that I've attended a church service.  No, I don't expect to become a weekly participant in services.  Instead, I intend to use this opportunity to become part of a larger community as Marian.

Some would say that getting out and about as Marian took a lot courage to overcome my fears of being seen as a "Man in a Dress".  To me, it's more of my need to present as my authentic self overcoming the resistance that prevented me from being authentic.  Yet, I sometimes feel as if I'm an impostor.  But with more and more time spent out in the world as Marian, with more and more time perfecting my feminine presentation, the more natural and comfortable I am when presenting as Marian.

- - - - - -

After church, I might have gone to a local diner for breakfast.  Since I've been running lower than usual on folding money, I decided to go home to have something to eat.  For the first time in a while, I cooked something on my stove top -  a couple of eggs with some corned beef hash.  This time, I made sure that the hash lost enough moisture that it had a little bit of a char - yum!  And then I took it easy for a while.

Later on, as I was preparing an update to this website to add a page where people could download some voice samples I've recorded over the years, I got messaged by one Trans woman I wouldn't mind meeting again.  We chatted for well over an hour, and this took away time that I had planned spending on searches for voice recordings.  However, before I was to leave for my 5:00 Meetup, I was able to get showered, dressed,and out the door as Marian to be early for a Fun Time Friends meetup in Ridgefield, CT.

We had a room to ourselves at the restaurant we were meeting at, and  yet, not enough seats at the table.  Luckily, enough people were no-shoes, and we had enough stools for us to sit on and enjoy a non-pretentious BBQ dinner.  Yum!   The conversations were good, and I'd gladly go back to the restaurant again - but this time, at a normal table.

- - - - - -

Just before dinner ended, I got a call from Maria.  She was totally discombobulated - her daughter is having trouble with her life, her husband is finally home from the hospital, and her computer's hard drive had crashed, leaving her without important photos and documents she had neglected to backup over the past couple of years.  So I walked her through things, telling her what to do, and giving her a game plan of how to deal with the loss of her computer.

When I was done with Maria's call, I was too tired to bother to shop for supplies that my cleaning lady needed. So I called GFJ to chat on the way home.  We agreed to meet at 6:15 at a Hudson Valley Restaurant Week establishment for dinner.  It'll be nice to have a nice meal with her before she goes away to Florida for a vacation. 

Another meetup with the Fun Time Friends

I had two things on my docket for today, and I almost forgot the one I wanted to take care of the most....

- - - - - -

When I got up this morning, I didn't feel fully rested.  Instead, I felt like a battery that was charged to 90% of capacity, but needed a little more juice to bring myself to full alertness.  For a change, I awakened before 7:00, and was out of the bed for the day before 8:00.  If my 7 hours of sleep could be counted from the time I put my CPAP mask on, I'd have had a full night's sleep.  But I didn't start falling out until 1:30 or so, and that was reflected in how I felt.

Taking it easy all day, I didn't start to get ready to do a volunteer stint at the LGBT center until 2:00.  This meant that I'd get to the center around 3:30 for my shift.  And today, my tasks were a little more interesting than usual (but not much).  First, I had to do a Powerpoint slide, a flyer and a couple of calendar updates for an LGBT related movie to be shown next month at a community theater.  Once done with that, I checked all of the LGBT Center's resource website links, making sure that their site contains only validated links.  This took up the better part of my 2 hours there. And then the alarm pop-up came on my phone - I had a meetup scheduled in Southport, Ct. for dinner - OOPS!  I almost forgot that!!!.  So I walked over to my car, started to play some tunes, and off to dinner I went.

When traffic is running smoothly, driving from White Plains to Southport takes about 35 minutes.  However, if one is dealing with rush hour traffic, the drive can take 3 times as long. Tonight's drive took only twice as long - and I got to the restaurant shortly after 7:00.  I remembered this restaurant's location from years ago.  It is the former site of the Southport Brewing Company, a brewpub that an ex-girlfriend and I used to frequent a few years ago.

Parking my car and entering the restaurant, I noticed that there were no seats available at the table in the background of the above picture (where the meetup's hostess was sitting). So I sat down with the ladies at the table in the above picture.  It was a pleasure being treated as one of the ladies, and even more of a pleasure when the hostess came over and greeted me very warmly.  (If I were presenting as a male, I'd interpret this woman's physically warm greeting very differently.  But I digress.)  She makes me feel that it is worth the effort to come to this group's meetings, as I know she remembers how long it's been since I've been around to one of the group's meetups.

Service at the restaurant was very slow.  We didn't have our orders taken until 8:00, and didn't even have food until 8:45 or so.  For a busy night (this was Fairfield County Restaurant Week), they didn't staff the place well.  And by the time we were finished with dinner and paying our checks, it was coming on 9:45.  Even our hostess was unimpressed with the place, and will likely never schedule another dinner there in the future.

Leaving the restaurant at 10:00, I called GFJ for the ride home, and we chatted for the next hour.  As much as neither of us had a lot to say, it was good to know that there was someone on the other end of the line who cares for me, someone to keep me company on a boring drive home.  She is the reason why I said in one email: "There are some things I want more than transition." Hopefully, GFJ knows that our relationship is that important to me....