I woke up early with a strange thought about the recent past

 

I woke up earlier than I wanted, and was thinking of my recent past.  When I was married, I worried about a big argument that would cause the relationship to break up.  We never had that argument, and I don't think we had a solid marriage because the marriage never could be stress tested.

Why is my marriage of over 20 years ago important?  Well, the flaw in that relationship provides information about the flaws that cause my most recent relationship to fail.  Yes, being transgender was part of it. But never once did my ex decide to challenge me.  She tried to accommodate me instead of advocating for her needs.  We never argued until the relationship was over.  In one part of the argument, she asked: "Did you want me to be bitchy?"  Recently, as a result of a social skills seminar I attended, I realized that I wanted her to be more assertive in expressing her needs and wants.  She could have had the limits on my outings as Marian if she had asked, but never once did she think she could ask this of me.  She gave up on the relationship before even "fighting" for her needs in the relationship.  Hopefully, she'll be more assertive in her next relationship.

There is a difference in what is needed between a friendship and a romantic relationship.  In a friendship, one doesn't have to get as close as one does in a romantic relationship.  This means one can go for years without an argument and still have a strong friendship.  But in a romantic relationship, one has to be open enough to risk being hurt by one's love. Sometimes, that hurt will happen and both parties will need time to recover from the pain.  And then, after the ensuing arguments (if lucky and skilled) be able to come back to each other, knowing that the other person can be trusted to be there for support when needed.

Given the difference between the two types of relationships, my ex was far from ready for a romantic relationship when she knew me - she wasn't a good advocate for her position in the relationship when under stress.  She was ready for a friendship.  And that's what I'd want if we could rebuild some bridges. Hopefully, she will understand this and trust that I wouldn't betray the friendship.

- - - - - -

Now that I've started to digest some of what's in my subconsciousness, let me shift to affairs of the day....

My day at work passed quickly with only one incident - I forgot my lunch at home.  This meant that I had to spend an extra $20 to take care of delivery to the office.  Before I started my drive, I contacted the folks at the firm holding my dad's IRA to find out what the delay is with my paperwork.  Seems as if their office is closed due to Covid-19, and they are operating at half staff in remote mode.  AARGH!  I could use that extra money now.

As soon as I got home, I had to rush to have a bite to eat before the main part of our co-op board meeting started.  It is one of those nights where a lot of things were said, and little was done.  Too bad that I can't just bail and catch up on my social affairs.  So I was stuck in the meeting until the end - almost 5 hours later.  And that gave me just enough time to wind down before trying to get some shut eye....

 

 

 

 

 

I skipped out on one meetup to go to another, and found a friend.

 

First, I have to start out by mentioning that I was thinking of my ex girlfriend today.  My thought process brought me to think that everything about her and her dealings with me reflected an inner ambivalence that only she can resolve for herself.  My issue is that I should pay more attention to "The Dude", and less to people who have no clue about what has gone on in my life over the past couple of years.

- - - - - -

After work, I was supposed to drive out to Norwalk to meet with the Fun Time Friends.  Given that I'm a little bit low on cash, I figured that I'd bail out on this dinner.  Instead, I went home to join in a Zoom meetup geared to help a new firm sell its self improvement courses.

Before the zoom meetup started, I called YGM to say hello.  We hadn't chatted in a long while, and she's happy ensconced in Florida. However, I think she believes the governor's BS that people are flocking to that state because it never fully shut down for the pandemic.  There is an advantage in being young and healthy enough to consider catching the virus an acceptable medical risk.  As for me, I take the risk, but can't wait until I can get vaccinated.

There were about 50 of us in the meetup, and the skills covered in the session were valuable - especially if exercised early and often.  Most importantly, I may have found a new friend from Manhattan.  Like me, she was laid off after a long career - and we exchanged phone numbers.  Hopefully, the two of us ladies can get together soon and get to know each other better.

- - - - - -

I could talk about missing a phone call with TCL.  But the two of us will catch up on things tomorrow.  I could talk about tomorrow's co-op board meeting.  But I can't talk about any of the substance, so this would be boring.  And I could talk about Vicki and her being too busy to chat.  But we can catch up on things tomorrow.  About the only thing I will mention that my friend Vanessa's skin cancer was successfully removed, and that the plastic surgeon will be monitoring her care until the grafts on her foot have healed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate it when a good product leaves the shelves

 

This is the brand of makeup cleaning wipes I will soon be using.  It's not because I want to use their product.  Instead, it's because Walmart is no longer carrying their store brand equivalent to this product.

Unlike many people, I tend to buy my beauty supplies in batches large enough to last at least a couple of months or more.  In the case of my beard cover and contouring makeup, I tend to buy a year's supply from a theatrical supply house.  Given the pandemic, I should place a new order soon, now that I have a job.  They probably need the business.  But I digress.

One of the problems many TG's have with makeup is its removal.  Many of us still have to deal with beard stubble at the end of the day, and I am no exception.  Using baby wipes is a great option for cisgender women, as they have no stubble to deal with.  But that's not a great option for us, as these wipes tend to break down when they encounter the least amount of stubble.  However, the stronger material used in exfoliating wipes seems to do the trick for me, and I find that the extra cost involved in buying these wipes is made up for by using less wipes to get my face clean.

Recently, I decided to look up Walmart's store brand to see if these wipes were still available. And only one store had them in stock - behind a display counter that is normally locked. Since they were not on a convenient shelf display, people overlooked 6 packages of these (probably) discontinued wipes.  Guess who snapped them up on her way to see a friend?

I figure that each package has 60 wipes.  6 packages contain 360 wipes.  Used wisely, this is almost a full year's supply.  If Walmart resumes selling these wipes, I will buy them when they are on the shelves.  If not, I'll buy the Simple brand found at the top of the page - and pay twice as much as I've been paying for Walmart's wipes.  Or, I might just buy a few more cloth face cloths and use them with a good facial cleanser as I once did when first presenting as a female.

 

 

 

 

 

Struts!

 

I'm glad that I can still go to the auto shop in male mode.  Women still get talked down to when dealing with automobile issues, and I can't blame some men for doing so.  Women have been discouraged from taking an interest in mechanical things, and many get confused when the simplest of mechanical issues are explained to them.  As for me, I admit that I take care of male privilege when I can. But as long as I live on both sides of the gender line, I'll take advantage of this privilege as long as I can do so.

- - - - - -

Waking up at 6 am doesn't come easy to me most days. Yet, I've been waking up early for work when I'd rather be awakened by my alarm.  Today, when the alarm was set for 8 am, I was awake 2 hours earlier.  Yet, I still didn't get to Mavis until a smidgen after 11 for an oil change and tire rotation.  

Having asked the mechanic to look at my brakes while rotating the tires, I expected to get hit by a "big" bill.  I didn't expect that I would need to plan for two big bills.  Although my rotors are still good, they will likely need to be replaced when I next replace the brake pads.  The more important problem was the front struts. The struts were original equipment, and were starting to fail.  So I OK'd their replacement.  About 2 hours and $850 later, I was out the door and ready to go home for an hour's rest before driving to see FH.

- - - - - -

While at Mavis, I got to thinking: How much further along this road do I want to travel?  I've lost a girlfriend because of being TG, and she (directly or indirectly) got me blackballed from at least one social group in the region.  Could things get worse for me if I go any further?  Who knows?  All I know is that I lost someone I cared about because of her excessive  fears.  What could someone else's irrational or excessive fear do to me in the future?  I'm not sure if I want to find out.

Too tired to post much of anything

 

Getting up today at the sound of the alarm, I knew this was going to be a long day - and it was. Not only did I barely make it to work today, but being tired caught up with me.  If it weren't for a friendly face or two, I might have had more problems....

- - - - - -

Waking up, I normally read my emails, putz around a little bit, then get ready to go to work.  Well, all seemed to be going OK until I started out the door. Then I noticed that I was wearing my reading glasses, and not my "cosmetic" glasses.  (The latter are non correcting, and only serve to make my face look different enough for people not in the know not to connect Marian with Mario.)  So I went back upstairs and switched glasses.

Finally heading out the door for good, I managed to make it to the deli in time to pick up an egg sandwich on the way in to work. And I was still eating it when I encountered a traffic jam on Route 9a.  From what I heard, one lane of the stretch from Briarcliff Manor to Pleasantville was blocked due to an accident, causing a several mile traffic jam.  So I took side roads to the Taconic, and then missed my exit.  After doubling back to my exit, I barely made it into work on time - without having my needed cup of coffee to keep me awake.

Later in the morning, I found out that I screwed up a box of work yesterday, as I was typing too quickly for the system to keep up.  In short, I made too many proofing errors because I was trying to save some time. Luckily, the person who trained me offered some help, and I was able to repair things before it got to the customer.

Once I finally had my cups of coffee, I was alert for most of the day.  And I was sure NOT to take the shortcuts that almost got me in trouble.  But I knew that I would have to go to sleep early, as I was not in shape to go another day without enough rest. So, when I finally made it home, I was greeted by a pleasant surprise - a package containing two tops I need for my everyday work.

- - - - - -

I only wonder what tomorrow will bring....

 

 

One day seems to blend into the next

 

Lately, it seems like only two things are going on in my life: (1) Work, and (2) Seeing People in Zoom Meetups.  Today was another one of those days.

- - - - - -

As usual, I went to sleep late, and woke up too early.  I needed my coffee to function at work, so I was sure to have 2 cups before I sat down at my desk.  When my boss came in, I told him that I don't know if the time clock recorded my exit yesterday.  (I probably forgot to swipe it, but that's another story.)  He said he'd take care of it, and I didn't think twice about it.  

Last week, the clock didn't record any of my hours.  So they had to enter them in by hand on Monday.  When I mentioned that I had a problem, they immediately thought something else was wrong, as other people had previous problems with their temporary cards. The local HR rep came for my card while I was eating lunch, and I was formally off the clock while the rep did her thing.  A couple of hours later, she noted that she forgot to add a "0" (zero) somewhere, and tested the card again.  Now it worked!  Hopefully, I won't have problems with the card in the future.

- - - - - -

Eventually, it was time to go home.  I needed to get more of my favorite makeup remover wipes, and went to Walmart to see if they were back in stock.  Well, it looks like the store may be discontinuing their line - and now, I have to look for exfoliating wipes strong enough to hold up against my remaining beard stubble.

Once home, I had dinner, then joined my twice weekly Zoom meetup with my Texas friends.  I could only imagine what one of these friends would say if she knew I was transgender....

The mess that is Covid-19 Vaccination.

 

This is a picture taken from inside the Covid vaccination site in Yonkers.  Although it just opened up for any qualified New York State resident to make a vaccination appointment, there are no slots open anymore. Now that we have the vaccines to stop the virus, we do not have a unified system in any state which allows qualified people to do efficient "one stop shopping" for a vaccination site.  This is inexcusable.  Each of the 50 states (plus DC and other US territories) could have hired Google, Microsoft or Amazon to design a site which would make the headache of getting a vaccination appointment as easy as the vaccination itself.

Most people had no problem with "essential workers" getting "first dibs" on vaccinations.  Doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals on the front line deserve to be first on line for the shots.  Hardly anyone had problems with infirm residents of nursing homes getting a high priority for their vaccinations.  But once it came to the general public, both seniors (65+) and people with comorbidities (Diabetes, Hypertension, COPD, etc.) things started getting screwed up.

In New York, we have a state run web site for mass vaccination centers run by the state. New York City has its own site.  And drug stores (and drug store chains) have their own appointment scheduling systems.  In some cases, people are calling health care facilities directly to find out if they are giving shots to specific classes of people.  Total confusion reigns here.  I know one person from a Northern NYC exurb who drove to the South Bronx for her shot - after being given a phone number to call.  It's partially what technology one has access to and who you know that determines when (or if) you will get vaccinated before Summer begins.  And we have it good in New York.  Many other states have it worse!

It could be much worse than to be in New York.  Florida's governor has used his powers to distribute the vaccine to take care of white suburban voters who are likely to vote for Republicans in the next election.  Texas is "reopening" way too early, and will likely trigger a new "super spreader" event once the last of the Covid restrictions are lifted. The "Red States" acted as if the virus wouldn't harm them, and they have some of the highest viral transmission rates in the nation, if not the world. It would make much more sense to vaccinate as large as possible a group of people before starting a slow reopening.  But then, these states largely voted for Trump - and they, like lemmings, will march off a cliff if led there by a foolish leader.

Right now, I have a vaccination appointment scheduled for next month.  If I can, I will try to get an earlier appointment, so I can can socialize in safety by the beginning of Summer.  Hopefully, all of my readers will be able to do the same.