A visit to the doctor and more

Today, I had only two planned things on my plate - a visit to the doctor, and a volunteer stint at the LGBT Center.  I had already postponed my stint at Arts Westchester to Tuesday, so that I could have enough energy for the LGBT Center, and thought that this would be the end of my day.  Instead, I ended up seeing GFJ for dinner and had a mixed ending to a good day.

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Yesterday, I called my cleaning lady and arranged for her to visit my apartment today.  After 6 weeks, things were getting in need of her magic - and she said she'd be visiting this afternoon.  So I was very lucky to have a 9:30 appointment with my doctor, giving me enough time to change from my masculine presentation to my feminine presentation for the rest of the day.

The doctor's visit was booked to be my yearly physical.  Instead, it ended up being a "follow up" visit from July, as my last yearly physical was in December, not November as I had remembered.  Of course, this made the visit a quick one, and I was back in the house before 11:00 - enough time for me to change into my female presentation before going out to volunteer.

Shortly before noon, I left my apartment and took the slow road to the LGBT Center.  On the way down, I returned WDJ's call from yesterday, and we chatted for about a half hour about things I won't mention here.  And then I arrived at the LGBT Center for my weekly stint.

Today's task was simple - verify all entries on the published event calendar on Meetup against that in the center's flyer.  Catching an error or two, I fixed them without doing too much thinking.  But then, two other people came in - and they disturbed my short train of thought.  One person was an older woman who needed to talk with someone - and I was that person.  Then the other person came in, a young man, and got involved in the conversation that I was really not in the mood to have at the moment.  By the time I was finished with the event calendar, two hours had passed - and it was time to leave.

On the way home, I received a call from GFJ.  She wanted to know if I wanted to have dinner tonight.  So it was off to my apartment, then to change, and then to drive to Newburgh.  Of course, I had to change back to a male presentation for dinner before going out again.  I made it to the Flaming Wok Buffet at 7:00.  As usual, GFJ was a little late.  And for the next hour, we chatted about unimportant stuff. (One of those topics was the shutdown of my old blog and my relationship with my former travel partner.) Then, it was time to discuss "the elephant in the room" - our relationship.  Neither of us are sure where it's headed, but I figure it best to give her the time she needs to be sure of what she wants.  (I have ideas, but won't taint her decision process by mentioning them before her decision is made.)  She's a good person to have in my life.  But I have the kind of love that knows that I may have to let her go to have the happiness I want for her to have.  Hopefully, that won't need to happen.

Then, it was time to go home.  I was more alert on the way home than I was on the way to Newburgh.  That was good fortune.  I'm not sure I'd have made it home had I been as tired as I was in the afternoon.  I have mixed feelings after tonight's dinner, and so does GFJ.  But I won't let them get in the way of doing what has to be done in my life.

I'm either getting forgetful, or my Pooka was getting bored.

Elwood P. Dowd and Harvey.  This is a picture of cinema's most endearing couple.  Yes, they are likely a "same sex" couple, but not a "same species" couple.  Never once was Elwood known to say anything bad about his favorite pooka.  This is better than most couples I have come into contact with over the years.

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When I woke up this morning, I was still sleep deprived from last night.  Yet, I had to get moving and out of the house a bit early, as my cleaning lady was likely to come today.  (It has been 6 weeks since her last visit, and I have gotten used to her missing a visit now and then.)  So, I got showered and dressed, did some last minute straightening up the clutter in my apartment, and went out the door to have lunch with Vicki #2.

It normally takes me about a little over a half hour to reach Hastings on Hudson. So I took it slow, and overshot the town a little on the way there.  Yet, I still made it to the place with time to spare.  Vicki sent me a message, asking if we were still on for today, and I messaged her to let her know where I was.  So she rushed from her place, and met me about 15 minutes later.

Wild Culture Waffles is a little shop set in the rear of Hastings' former movie theater.  It's a pleasant place to pick up a specialty waffle with a cup of coffee to wash it down.  It is not a place for a "real" lunch, and it is not a place likely to do well in the winter.  There are no tables inside the building where one can sit.  The only tables are outside, exposed to both cold and heat. This is why other coffee shop like places tended to fail before in this location, and why I expect this business to fail once the weather gets a little colder.

Vicki and I talked about many things.  But I dominated the chat today, talking about issues and events I've reported in this (and my previous) blog.  Thankfully, she didn't shut me down.  I needed someone not too close to me to tell me that I wasn't getting crazy myself - and she did just that.

Around 2:45, Vicki noticed the time, and said that we should get going.  I barely had enough time to get to Mercy for my weekly session.  Before I left her, she mentioned that she was usually free at this time of day, and that we could make this a regular occurrence when I am in her area.  And then, I was on the road.  I took a little bit of a chance driving to Dobbs Ferry, as I had to get around a bus (not a school bus) that I knew would have a very slow acceleration time.  Although nothing happened, it was a little too close for comfort if I had thought about things.  At least, I made it to Mercy on time.

Arriving at Mercy, I couldn't find the check I usually have in hand to pay for my session.  I spent some of the time I saved in driving there to find a missing check.  So I told the center that I'd make a two week payment the following week.  After 45 minutes, my session was over, and it was time to go home.  Little did I realize it then, I was in for the night, as I took a needed nap, waking up around 7:30.  At least, I found out that my pooka had played a mind trick on me.  I looked at my checkbook and found that I didn't write a check for this week's session.  And now, I was much more at ease....

A Job Interview as Marian

I think I look better now than when I first wore this dress, or its sister in teal.  And I wore it to a 11 am interview at a not-for-profit art gallery.  This is a dress that makes me feel good, even though I might not buy it today because of its hemline.

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Unfortunately, I couldn't get to sleep until the middle of the night.  When I awakened this morning, I knew that I would likely fall out before dinner time.  So I took a little time to get ready, making sure that everything was in the right place and put together well.  And it was off to Larchmont for the interview.

Arriving in Larchmont, I had to park my car in a 2 hour lot located on a side street off the main business corridor.  This allowed me to walk by the house of a former boss.  Looking at his driveway, I figured that all was probably well with him as he had a new looking car in his driveway. If you're thinking that this could be anyone's car, I'd beg to differ.  My ex boss (who retired about 20 years ago or so) had a habit of buying new Cadillac Coupe De Villes every few years, whether or not he needed to do so.  In fact, I'd bet that he had less than 20k miles on each 10 year old car that he may have traded in since his retirement.  (His former commute was about 5-10 miles per day, and all of his trade ins were very low mileage cars.) Hopefully, he's enjoying his retirement and is still very healthy.

When I arrived at the gallery, I was greeted by 4 people.  (Unfortunately, I can't remember their names, or I'd have sent them all thank you emails.)  I would be one of two paid employees of the gallery, responsible for keeping the center open Tuesday-Friday (my shift) and Saturday (the other shift).  This means that I would not have the freedom to schedule my vacations any longer, as they only close down in August.  That is not the time I like taking vacations, and it would crimp my style.  With this being said, I feel I was a strong candidate in office skills, but not in retail skills.  They need someone who can run a store by herself, and I doubt I am that candidate.

As I was getting up to leave, I had an experience that only women can appreciate - my hosiery failed, and a hole formed on my inner thigh.  There went my original plan to go straight from the interview to the LGBT Center to do my weekly volunteer stint.  Instead, I went straight home and got comfortable for a while.

Later on, I got a call from an old friend.  Joanie had free tickets to a play, and thought of me. So I cancelled my attendance at tonight's dinner meetup and drove back to lower county to catch a train into NYC.  I met Joanie in Times Square, then enjoyed the play - even though we were seated on opposite sides of the theater.  After the play, we went to Shake Shack to grab a burger, and gabbed until midnight. 

Noticing the time, I said that I had to make a train. Knowing that the last trains leave Grand Central around 1:30, I still had a couple of trains I could still take home.  But I wanted to get out of town by 12:30, so that I could get home by 2:00.  While on the train, I had a quick message chat with GFJ.  (She had to get up early in the morning, otherwise we may have chatted more.)  And then, I was in Pelham.  Arriving at my car around 1:15, I got a message from Joanie.  She wanted to let me know that if I got stuck in the city, I could always stay in a spare room at her place.  That's always nice to know.  By 1:45, I was home in spite of the rain.  So I figured that I'd write this entry before collapsing for the evening - and did.

Seeing a friend for lunch

I'd love to open up today's entry with a musical phrase that had the sonic undertones of "I read the news today...."  But putting words on a video display can not properly capture how I felt when I woke up this morning.

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My alarms are usually set to wake me up around 8:30, 9:00, and 10:00 am.  The 8:30 am alarm wakes me up enough, so that if I want to watch TV at 9:00 am, I can do so.  9:00 comes 30 minutes later, and serves to being me to semi consciousness if I've fallen back to sleep. And 10:00 comes an hour later, and forces me to get up and moving if I haven't done so already.  Today, it was the latter alarm that woke me up, and I realized that I was going to be running late for lunch with SWD.  So I messaged her, and said that I'd be about a half hour late for lunch.

Once I was moving, I had to make a hard decision - what to wear for the day.  Until I started to dress as a woman does, I had no clue why many women day "I have nothing to wear" when they have a full closet.  Now, I suffer with the same problems.  So I chose a tunic length dress and a pair of leggings for appropriateness with today's dreary weather, got dressed and out the door 45 minutes later than planned.

On the way up to Beacon, I got stuck behind traffic. When I reached Garrison, WDJ called. There were things she wanted to talk about, as well as wanting to process feelings from a matter we discussed the week before.  I ended the call when I reached Beacon, and found a parking spot a short block away from the restaurant.

I arrived at the restaurant around 12:15 and saw SWD in the window.  So I went into the restaurant and sat down at her table.  We chatted about many things, most notably issues with our significant others and what is going on with our families.  This would be a shorter lunch than usual, as we were out the door within an hour or so.  But this was OK with me - I've been feeling down since Saturday, and still need time to process my feelings from that night.

When I got home, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day.  So I decided to take a nap.  By the time I got up, it was 8:00, and I realized I was in for the night.  (How many Freshly meals do I have left in my freezer?)

Chatting with my family.

I wish my real life family could have been like the Addams' Family.  They all were able to show love, manage their own lives, deal with adversity, and be their authentic selves.  Instead, we did not demonstrate love, were poor at managing our own lives, had a hard time dealing with adversity, and could not be our authentic selves.

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Today, I  spent the first half of the day doing nothing, then drove to Long Island to see my father.  This visit was much more rewarding than usual, as some family "secrets" were revealed that needed to be revealed.

I didn't get moving towards Long Island until 2:00 or so.  And my first stop was at Stew Leonard's to get lunch.  Normally, I'd pick up a fresh Lobster Roll and something to drink. But I thought the $3.99 Shrimp Roll special was good from Sunday through Wednesday, when it was only good on Tuesday this week. So I picked up a Pastrami wedge and finished it before continuing on my way. 

Normally, I'd have continued along Route 87 until I reached the Cross County Parkway, then headed South to either the Throggs Neck or Whitestone Bridge.  Instead, I made a major time-wasting decision - I decided to take the Triboro Bridge to Long Island, then the Grand Centrap Parkway to the Long Island Expressway to reach my dad's nursing home.  This more than doubled my time on the road, as I was stuck in traffic almost all the way to Roslyn.

When I got to my dad, we went downstairs to the lobby to chat for an hour. My dad gave me the heads up on what was happening in my brother's life.  Of course, I told him what was happening with me and GFJ.  Although there is no way that I'll tell my dad that I'm TG, I did say that some of the issues we're having have been there since the beginning of the relationship, and that others are communication related.  That was both true and protective of GFJ's privacy. Since my brother told me to call him when I was leaving my dad, I did so, and we agreed to meet at his office.  Originally, he thought we had enough time to get to Flushing for an Oriental dinner, but he had a 7:30 appointment he had to make.  So it was a quick dinner down the block from his office.

The first thing my brother did when we sat down to eat was to show me a video of a burning house.  Last night, around 1 am, his fire company rushed to a nearby house on fire and extinguished the fire before it burnt down the house.  He explained that the fire was in the basement, and if it was able to find a form of "chimney" for its burning gases to escape, the house would have had no chance of surviving.  Luckily, the firefighters were able to get in the house and drown the fire with (as he put it) less than a minute of margin.  Any later, and the fire would have escaped the basement and totalled the house.  Next, the two of us started talking about events in our lives.  My brother has family problems related to issues from two codependent addicts.  It is not pretty.  But it has allowed him to get to know his only daughter even better AND to enjoy the time he has left with her before she gets married and starts living in Europe.  All too early, dinner had to end, and I was back home in roughly 60 minutes.

Last night, something came out of the blue

Last night, GFJ came over after hiking with her friends.  Neither of us were hungry, so we sat down and watched some movies on TV.  By the time we were most of the way through the last film, she wanted to have a serious conversation.  I always feared something like this could come, as she isn't comfortable with the Marian side of me.  Although I'd like to be Marian 24x7, there are some things I value much more than this, and being in a relationship with a loving woman like GFJ is one of them.  Hopefully, she will understand this, as I would be heartbroken if she were to leave me.

By the time I hit the pillow, I knew that my sleep wouldn't be restful.  Since I lost my cruising partner, I now had no one close that I could talk with about this. From having a couple of people I could confide in to none in less than a month, I was hurting inside. And the last thing I wanted to do would be to anesthetize myself with food, alcohol, or other things that dull my feelings.  Grief is a bitch.  But avoiding it would be worse.

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But enough of that for now....

Sunday came along with torrential rains.  Even though I woke up at 7 and could have gone to church, I was not in the mood to do so.  The combination of everything I've been going through over the past few weeks put me in a funk. I was not in the mood to do anything (including eating), so I hung out in the apartment and watched old movies.  By the time I was ready to eat anything, it was about 5, and I scarfed down some chicken from a can. This was not the time for me to get showered and dressed, as I know I'd overeat if I went out to eat.

Will I be talking with GFJ again soon?  Maybe.  The one time we separated, she made the first move to reestablish contact.  I'm hoping she does so again.  But I won't push her - she needs time to think, and it wasn't easy for her to start last night's conversation.

I woke up late today and decided to take it easy

Normally, I would get up and out of the bed by 10 am on a typical day.  This was not the case with today.  By the time I realized the sun was out, I was not in the mood to do much of anything but watch TV.

As I noted in yesterday's posting, GFJ didn't come down last night.  After I wrote the entry, we chatted, and she said she'd be going on her nearby hike, go out for dinner with the group, and finally come to my place.  I may have had the freedom to go out as Marian, but I didn't have the emotional energy to do so. There are things I need to take care of at the apartment before GFJ arrives, and I plan to take care of some of them.  Doing some laundry is a must, as well as straightening up the bedroom.  And this will not take up much energy - it will take up time.

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Watching TV shouldn't use any emotional energy.  But if one watches the news, it's hard not to spend any energy if one is concerned about national affairs.  We live in stressful times. Our nation is polarized.  One faction is concerned about law and order, and the other is concerned about the feeling of law and order.  These are two different things, easy to see when watching news coverage on the networks.

I don't want to make this a political posting, so I won't go into the differences between the networks and how they use their "dog whistles" to manipulate their viewers.  But I feel sad that we don't agree on any objective criteria that can be used to have honest discussions.  So a simple discussion of politics becomes unnecessarily charged and will often become an energy suck.  No wonder why many people (including my former cruise partner) simply tune out.  They have only so much emotional energy to use in a day, and they don't want to waste that energy on things over which they have no control or influence.

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It is very important to save one's energy for the people and things we care about most. I figure that it is important for me to have some energy left when GFJ comes over tonight. This relationship is important to me, and I want her to always feel glad to see me when she comes to visit.