I still play hopscotch across gender lines

Unlike an acquaintance mentioned in a prior post, I have no intention of backsliding on my path to femininity.  Even though the AI generated picture above is only an aspirational goal, it is a good idea of what I'd look like after Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS).  And I want to look like this (as appropriate for my age) at some time in the future.

The big question will always be: How far can I go along my path and have RQS as my companion?  I'd rather stop at a point before she starts feeling uncomfortable than to go too far and lose her.  For me, having companionship at this stage of life is more important than being fully female.  The equipment between my legs is less important than how I present myself to the world.  Additionally, the ability to present myself to the world 24x7 as a female is not as important as having a partner at this stage of life.

So, where does this leave me right now?

Well, I am comfortable crossing gender lines as needed to get things done during the day.  For example, I have to do some tile shopping for repairs being done on my bathroom wall.  This is something best done while I'm in male mode.  Yet, I feel more comfortable in female mode overall.  

Yet, this can get a bit awkward when I need to be in Male mode part of the day, then Female mode for the rest of the day.  For example, I have electricians coming to my apartment several days next week. (I can't move all of the furniture out of the way to get all the needed work done on one visit.)  I'll need to be in male mode these days, then change into female mode after they have gone for the day.

For the most part, everyone in my apartment complex knows that I live a bi-gendered life.  But, I have to be careful which mode I use when I deal with the outside world.  If a mechanic sees me as a woman, they will either treat me as someone who doesn't know much about mechanical things - or worse....  Yet, presenting as a male can be just as awkward in female dominated spaces, such as makeup counters. 

Will this crossing of gender lines ever end?

I don't have a good answer to the above question.  If I didn't have to worry about RQS's feelings, I'd probably move much faster towards living 24x7 as a female.  Yet, I'd still want a relationship with my family, and that would likely mean that I would either have to out myself to the rest of the family or find ways to hide it....

This will be my last weekend with RQS before my cruise.

 

 
Both RQS and I have been packing for trips.  As reported here, I have two bags going with me to Hawaii. RQS has two small bags going with her as she travels South to see her cousin.  I'm not going to say much about her trip here, save that her preparation is getting in the way of our time together.  😞

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It is normal for two people to spend time apart from each other.  After this weekend, we will be apart for the better part of 3 weeks - and I will miss her.  But there will likely be another period coming up where the 2 of us will be apart for just as long - assuming that I take a Panama Canal cruise as an excuse to see my 90 y/o uncle in California.

My uncle and I are not close.  Yet, he is my uncle, and he once gave me a gift more valuable than money - security in a stressful time.   Almost 27 years ago now, my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I was busy with several projects at work, and one of them was visible to the CEO of the bank I then worked for.  Bush #41 had just signed a bill that protected people who needed family leave to take care of sick relatives, but didn't provide financial help for those people doing so.  Without knowing that my uncle's checkbook was open to my needs, I might not have been able to play political hardball and threaten to leave in the middle of a politically sensitive project.  As a result of my uncle's actions, I was able to force my management to give me the resources I needed to get the project done and be able to take care of my wife's needs as well.

In a way, I want my uncle to know that I'll be there for him if needed.  He is going through a stressful time, and he has no family nearby to count on.  (Yes, he has friends that are as close as family, but that's another story.)  So I want to check in on him in 2023, as my brother did in 2022.  Hopefully, he will appreciate the visit....

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am very grateful that I have almost made it through the pandemic in "good health."  Although there are things I've lost due to the pandemic, I am happy that my brother and his family got through the worst in good health. I am happy that my real friends made it through the pandemic safely.  And, most importantly, I am grateful not to have infected by the virus.

Unlike many people, I didn't have financial worries during the worst of things.  I appreciate this luxury that I had that many didn't have.  The only important worries I had were for the sake of others.  And most of those worries didn't turn into problems.  The friends and family that caught the virus recovered from it and are mostly OK.  (I can't say for sure if any have/do not have any long term symptoms.)  

Other than this, I don't have too much to say.  I'd rather focus on having a good dinner with people I care about....

Game night came a little early this month.

 

The above picture has nothing to do with the subject of this entry.  I just thought it nice enough to be posted, and a reminder of travels I once made before the pandemic changed everything.

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Normally, game night is two weeks on, then two weeks off.  This month, the host made a minor mistake in scheduling, and we ended up getting together one week early.  That is more than OK with me, as I was there in time to play a game from the beginning AND play it until it came to a natural end.

The host and hostess of game night are good people, and I have signed some papers which should benefit their children if something bad were to happen to my family before I die.  Hopefully, this situation will never come to pass.  But it if does, I know of two people who will remember me even more fondly than they do now.  And this couple accepts me as Marian, not caring that my legal identity is still Mario....

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I've been going to game night for the better part of a decade now, and am considered one of the core group of people they will invite into their house to play games.  It's nice to be considered someone people wants to have around. 

Chatting with my family.

I wish my real life family could have been like the Addams' Family.  They all were able to show love, manage their own lives, deal with adversity, and be their authentic selves.  Instead, we did not demonstrate love, were poor at managing our own lives, had a hard time dealing with adversity, and could not be our authentic selves.

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Today, I  spent the first half of the day doing nothing, then drove to Long Island to see my father.  This visit was much more rewarding than usual, as some family "secrets" were revealed that needed to be revealed.

I didn't get moving towards Long Island until 2:00 or so.  And my first stop was at Stew Leonard's to get lunch.  Normally, I'd pick up a fresh Lobster Roll and something to drink. But I thought the $3.99 Shrimp Roll special was good from Sunday through Wednesday, when it was only good on Tuesday this week. So I picked up a Pastrami wedge and finished it before continuing on my way. 

Normally, I'd have continued along Route 87 until I reached the Cross County Parkway, then headed South to either the Throggs Neck or Whitestone Bridge.  Instead, I made a major time-wasting decision - I decided to take the Triboro Bridge to Long Island, then the Grand Centrap Parkway to the Long Island Expressway to reach my dad's nursing home.  This more than doubled my time on the road, as I was stuck in traffic almost all the way to Roslyn.

When I got to my dad, we went downstairs to the lobby to chat for an hour. My dad gave me the heads up on what was happening in my brother's life.  Of course, I told him what was happening with me and GFJ.  Although there is no way that I'll tell my dad that I'm TG, I did say that some of the issues we're having have been there since the beginning of the relationship, and that others are communication related.  That was both true and protective of GFJ's privacy. Since my brother told me to call him when I was leaving my dad, I did so, and we agreed to meet at his office.  Originally, he thought we had enough time to get to Flushing for an Oriental dinner, but he had a 7:30 appointment he had to make.  So it was a quick dinner down the block from his office.

The first thing my brother did when we sat down to eat was to show me a video of a burning house.  Last night, around 1 am, his fire company rushed to a nearby house on fire and extinguished the fire before it burnt down the house.  He explained that the fire was in the basement, and if it was able to find a form of "chimney" for its burning gases to escape, the house would have had no chance of surviving.  Luckily, the firefighters were able to get in the house and drown the fire with (as he put it) less than a minute of margin.  Any later, and the fire would have escaped the basement and totalled the house.  Next, the two of us started talking about events in our lives.  My brother has family problems related to issues from two codependent addicts.  It is not pretty.  But it has allowed him to get to know his only daughter even better AND to enjoy the time he has left with her before she gets married and starts living in Europe.  All too early, dinner had to end, and I was back home in roughly 60 minutes.

Ending the week on an off note

I only had a visit to Arts Westchester on the docket for today,  Last week, I said that I'd be making a return visit - and my contact at AW forgot that I was coming.  So she wasn't prepared for me when I arrived.  Yet, there was work that I could do that involved miscellaneous office chores . And I did that work for a couple of hours, until there was no more work to do. On the way home, I got a call from WDJ telling me about the first meeting of her new meetup group.  It didn't go as expected, but what first gatherings go as planned?  I wish her a lot of success with the group, and then remembered to sign up for it when I got home.

As you can guess, there wasn't much to occupy my day.  Since I was very tired when I got home, I stripped off my clothes and took a nap.  GFJ would likely not be coming down tonight, as she wasn't feeling that good.  Hopefully, she'll feel good enough to go for her hike tomorrow (with dinner afterwards).  If not, I'd better start looking for a meetup to go to on Sunday.  Or, I should prepare to drive to Long Island (in male presentation) to see my family. No matter what happens tonight, I still have no idea about what I'll be doing come Sunday....